How do you get over someone that wasn't real?

[laelithia]

Well, I just got another dose of humble pie today. I should have, as you all suggested, blocked him but I didn't. Anyway, he sent me a message saying that he didn't think he could be my date to a wedding we were going to go to next month (no sh*t, Sherlock) because he was on a date last night and he really liked this girl.

 

I don't really care about this person anymore, I don't think he's a good match for me. But at the same time, I have that nagging insecure voice saying "you messed up, you couldn't make it work with him, but this girl can meaning somehow she's better than you". I know enough about negative thoughts like this and what they can do to your mood and self esteem, but I still can't seem to shake it with him, and with my exes in the past who are now in relationships.

[laelithia]

Update:

 

I think I really should feel better about this whole thing than I do. Last week (against all recommendations!) I spoke to him on the phone. I know myself, and I simply just could not let this go without some sort of explanation from him. So, after the last few weeks of sneakingly "befriending" him with LC, I asked him to call me when he was free one night.

 

Long story short, he did, and was perhaps too honest with me. He admitted at the beggining of the call that he had smoked some weed and had some beers, and that he felt comfortable being honest with me. In that chilling conversation (which I kept upbeat and nonjudemental, solely so I could gain more information), he admitted a darker side of himself. He told me how since he was 14 he has been using the internet to "sexualize" and flirt with girls. He told me it's not even about the sex, that he's happy to take care of himself as long as he's able to flirt with girls online. He told me how he's been to sex addicts anonymous and therapy, how he learned that this habit is a coping mechanism for which he "feels bad about and is trying to fix". He told me that in between his break up and meeting me (2 weeks) he had done this to 2 other women, and since me (2.5 weeks ago) there has been 2 other women, and he's "working on the third". He told me this new woman is exotic too, and that she's been "so good" by not having sex with him early and that he really wants to take things slow and not mess it up with her. I even asked what was special about her over me (I know, I know, but I've already gone this far down the rabbit hole...) and he said "nothing, she's just different. And I seem to always go from girl to girl". He told me how the girl right after me accused him of being a con artist, and how he didn't say it to her, but she was right. He said he was certain he'd be classified as a "predator", that he was a "master manipulator", and when I asked if he was a pathological liar, he said he was. At this point, all I could do was laugh at the absurdity of what he was saying and admitting to. He seemed to show some remorse, saying he had hurt so many people and in doing so, he has also hurt himself. He said his behaviour was "sick, like borderline sicko". He said he's done this so long, so many times, he knows what to say to get what he wants. I never asked him if this is what he did to me, I'm sure the answer is clear, but now I wish I had. Instead, earlier in the call I asked him what happened that he changed his mind with me, and all he could say was that after spending a few weekends together, he realized that a relationship with me wasn't what he wanted. But he could not say why, only that "we're different, with all we have going on and all the complexities". This again was a week or so after he was saying I was the woman of his dreams and texting/calling all day long. The scariest part of the phone call was him actually saying he truly wants to find "the one", and that he's certain once he does, he'll stop all this. But in the meantime he's content to do what he's doing, because at least he knows now "when to pull the plug" (i.e. Before having sex) to minimize how much he hurts someone. There's more he said in this call, but I was so disturbed I could hardly focus. He sounded so different on the phone than he had so many times before, it was heartbreaking to hear him say these things to me, to admit to being with so many women since me, to hear in his voice that he holds no affection to me. I simply could not believe this was the same human I was talking to all those weeks before.

 

I know this is all insane. I KNOW I should count my lucky stars it's over with him, but there is a side of me that despite this logic, cannot seem to let go. I'm consumed by this, constantly playing the past in my head, trying to understand. I don't think I actually want this person back, he actually scares me now after what he admitted to me. It's like I'm fighting with reality or something, like somehow I can make things go back, before he did all this, before he was all this. I truly feel like part of me is losing my mind. I can't think of ever being as attracted to anyone as I was to him, and that in itself is a terrifying thought because if what he told me is true, I'm attracted to monsters. I'm plagued with the obsession of wanting to see him, or wanting to see with my two eyes who he really is, of proving to myself that he isn't who I thought he was.

 

To be honest, at the point, I don't even understand my own feelings. I just know I have this intense yearning and emptiness inside, almost like he stole a piece of me that I want to take back. I have never fallen for someone that intensely, that vulnerably before, and to have this happen after it all, I feel I can't even trust myself, relationships, or men at all. I really feel wrecked over an ordeal that truly never should have happened.

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[Dominique]

A good thing for you to do would be to take some time off from worrying about finding someone.

 

Also keep in mind that you really don't know someone until you have seen them through seasons. Spend a year with a person before you commit your heart and time and trust. You can have a relationship without betting "this is the one" in the first several months.

 

A person shows you who they are in adversity ... Until you see a person when they have a struggle hit, you don't know what they are truly made of.

 

Of course you are having a hard time. You cared for this person and took them at their word. That takes time to let go of.

 

I'm glad you had this talk. You have "seen it with your own eyes" despite your feelings of wanting more. You don't need it. He was lucid enough for one hour to share with you the brutal truth. Believe him.

 

Now go forward and address your feelings so you can process all this without Him. And most of all, don't blame yourself for being such a sweet person that you trusted another person and gave them a chance. That's a good quality. Just hold it longer next time.... And wait. Wait. Wait.

 

Wait until you deal with these issues and these needs on your own. Find the love in yourself. Don't look outside.

 

Sending you so much love and light it will be blinding ❤️ Take care, my friend.

[laelithia]

A good thing for you to do would be to take some time off from worrying about finding someone.

 

Also keep in mind that you really don't know someone until you have seen them through seasons. Spend a year with a person before you commit your heart and time and trust. You can have a relationship without betting "this is the one" in the first several months.

 

A person shows you who they are in adversity ... Until you see a person when they have a struggle hit, you don't know what they are truly made of.

 

Of course you are having a hard time. You cared for this person and took them at their word. That takes time to let go of.

 

I'm glad you had this talk. You have "seen it with your own eyes" despite your feelings of wanting more. You don't need it. He was lucid enough for one hour to share with you the brutal truth. Believe him.

 

Now go forward and address your feelings so you can process all this without Him. And most of all, don't blame yourself for being such a sweet person that you trusted another person and gave them a chance. That's a good quality. Just hold it longer next time.... And wait. Wait. Wait.

 

Wait until you deal with these issues and these needs on your own. Find the love in yourself. Don't look outside.

 

Sending you so much love and light it will be blinding ❤️ Take care, my friend.

 

Thank you for your sweet message! It really helps. I think you're absolutely right about taking time to really get to know someone. It seems he could only pretend to be this person with me for a short time, but then I wonder how he's managed to have relationships last over a year? Maybe he was just better at hiding who he really was before, I don't know.

 

That's definitely what I'm going to focus on now, really trying to care for myself better and to take my time getting to know someone new, in any capacity. Again, thank you so much for your kind words ❤️

[Wiseman2]

He's a walking museum of pathology.

[Dominique]

Thank you for your sweet message! It really helps. I think you're absolutely right about taking time to really get to know someone. It seems he could only pretend to be this person with me for a short time, but then I wonder how he's managed to have relationships last over a year? Maybe he was just better at hiding who he really was before, I don't know.

 

That's definitely what I'm going to focus on now, really trying to care for myself better and to take my time getting to know someone new, in any capacity. Again, thank you so much for your kind words ❤️

 

Take your time and guard your heart. It is worth protecting. 💙

[laelithia]

Take your time and guard your heart. It is worth protecting. 💙

 

I really will! I'm wondering now if he fooled himself at the beginning into thinking he had these feelings for me, and then realized they weren't real, or was he lying and deceiving me the entire time?

 

I think I'm struggling with this part so much because when we were together, when he looked me in the eyes and told me he didn't want to ever be with anyone else, it honestly felt real, sincere. Every time he messaged me, every time he called me, it felt that way. I just want to know if he was telling the truth then, that he honestly thought he felt that way, or was all lies and manipulation from the beginning?

[LordRorek]

My ex wasn't real either and that was after 6 1/2 years.

[laelithia]

I spoke with him on the phone today. I simply could not resist myself, and since it has now been 1 month after this all ended, I figured I might as well get some closure. I’m not sure really what I got from it. He was at the gym, with the newest girl. I asked him if it was the same one as last time we spoke, but no, she was new. That means this is his fourth girl since me. He told me he matched with her tinder while he was up north for work, and now that he has time off, she is staying with him for the week. I laughed at this point, not maliciously, just more at the absurdity of his pattern of behaviour. I stayed with him for 5 days the last time we met, too. He said "don't judge me!" jokingly, but I told him I wasn't, just thought his MO was kind of funny. He told me she lives up north (4 hours away), but that he really likes her, that they have so much in common, that it’s possible she’s “the one”. He told me at the time when he said those things to me, he believed them at the time. I actually do believe him, but not in a good way. He strikes me now as very emotionally immature, almost stunted, in that he doesn't know what he wants, is fickle, and confuses himself by his own behaviour. He seems more idiotic/ignorant than malicious to me now. Which really, isn't any better.

 

The more I think about, the more ridiculous I see his behaviours. Yet I still seem to be at best interested in what he’s up to, and at worst, obsessed with it. The strangest part of the phone call was how I felt about it. I was a bit jealous I suppose in that he was spending time with a new person and that he seems to be so into her and has now rejected me (I have very clear issues with handling rejection), but I don’t think I felt sad/devastated/depressed about it. If i'm truly honest, what I miss out of the relationship seems to be centered around physical appearance and chemistry. I’m starting to feel like this really has nothing to do with him at all (as some of you have pointed out), but something to do with myself and my patterns of behaviour. That somehow focusing on him and how I can’t be with him (or more accurately who he pretended to be), my “dream guy”, is some sort of distraction from myself, and deeper issues I have.

 

Specifically, I’m starting to worry that I actually like these doomed relationships, that a healthy, committed relationship seems “boring” to me. I’m not sure when this started to happen, but I think it’s been a long time. I was in a healthy relationship between the ages of 18-25, we had a house together and 2 dogs, yet I didn’t seem happy. At the end of our relationship, I began pursuing an online/LDR with an older man whom I had known since I was 17. Somehow that seemed more attractive/exciting that my current “boring” life, even though it was also doomed to fail. I wonder how I can go about changing this internal dialogue, that I can start to see healthy relationships with healthy boundaries and true love and respect as wonderful and exciting in themselves, rather than these toxic, hot/cold relationships I’m accustomed to.

[Dominique]

Focus on maturity. Focus on growing up emotionally. Therapy can help. Journaling can help. Also focus on something larger that will change your focus in the world. Give some time to a homeless shelter or food kitchen or domestic violence hotline. Run for a disease and fund raise....find a real world problem that you care about and dedicate some time to it (cancer, abused children, leukemia, a sick neighbor, foster kids, etc.) so that your focus has time to mature and get away from the self "centered" focus of the thrill of the moment.

(I don't mean self centered to sound judgmental ....not saying your selfish. I mean LITERALLY focused on things that have to do with "self".)

 

My nana used to say "you can kill anything you don't feed."

[laelithia]

Focus on maturity. Focus on growing up emotionally. Therapy can help. Journaling can help. Also focus on something larger that will change your focus in the world. Give some time to a homeless shelter or food kitchen or domestic violence hotline. Run for a disease and fund raise....find a real world problem that you care about and dedicate some time to it (cancer, abused children, leukemia, a sick neighbor, foster kids, etc.) so that your focus has time to mature and get away from the self "centered" focus of the thrill of the moment.

(I don't mean self centered to sound judgmental ....not saying your selfish. I mean LITERALLY focused on things that have to do with "self".)

 

My nana used to say "you can kill anything you don't feed."

 

I currently work for a nonprofit agency, and have volunteered in the past at a crisis phone line. Sometimes I wonder if working in this field impacts my own mental health negatively in that I seem to get stuck in similar mindsets to my clients when I feel burnt out.

 

That's definitely a good quote, words to live by for sure. I'm going to think about it more and how I need to stop "feeding" these negative obsessions.

[Dominique]

I currently work for a nonprofit agency, and have volunteered in the past at a crisis phone line. Sometimes I wonder if working in this field impacts my own mental health negatively in that I seem to get stuck in similar mindsets to my clients when I feel burnt out.

 

That's definitely a good quote, words to live by for sure. I'm going to think about it more and how I need to stop "feeding" these negative obsessions.

 

Your career can definitely be burning you out. Consider something restorative like yoga or reiki to help you get your inner energy back. You can't give from an empty place. When you do the kind of work you do, there is constant giving. But if you don't replenish, you have nothing to give. You become depleted and drained.

 

Try doing things to help you restore.