Big fight and we can't see eye to eye

I am dating a man who is 13 years older than me. When we first began dating I did not want children. However i ended up getting pregnant but i had a miscarriage. After that experience i changed my mind and decided I want a child. He has known about my desire to have a child for a while now. Our relationship hasn't been very smooth in the past. Whenever we got into arguments they were intense and I tended to walk away from the argument (in a not so nice manner) to take some space. There have been some times when that ended up in a breakup between us. Therefore he is sensitive to me leaving which I do understand. Him and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways but we have been working hard to create a more peaceful and loving relationship and things have been going great for awhile now. The other night I decided to have a discussion with him about having children. It did not go well as he is not fond of the idea. It was a difficult conversation but we got through it. We didn't necessarily come to any conclusions. The following day we had sex and he told me in the middle of sex that he wanted to cum inside of me. He has said this before as a turn-on but in light of our discussions I thought for a moment that he was serious. He even started acting like he was going to come inside of me and I thought he did. I asked him if he had cum inside of me and he said no. I asked him if he was going to cum inside me and he said no. It played with my emotions rather than turn me on and I couldn't help but become overwhelmed and i started crying. He finished and then I went to the bathroom to finish crying and put on some clothes. When I came out he was mad at me and I did not know why. Whenever I have become emotional in the past he has had a tendency to become upset with me. I was having a hard time containing my emotions and he was not being emotionally supportive so I decided I should leave. Before I left I gave him a kiss and I told him I was not breaking up with him. I just needed time alone. I later explained to him that the way he reacted was very upsetting to me. Then over the course of the next two days we continued to fight over the situation. It has gotten pretty intense. At first he didn't own up to being a jerk. Then he eventually did own up to it and apologized but he kept shifting blame back to me for leaving. Of course i was very upset about his bad reaction in the first place, but now I am most upset about his apology since it seems insincere to shift the blame over me leaving. I left because he was being a jerk in reaction to me becoming emotional. Because of this I do not trust him with my emotions. We do not see eye-to-eye on this at all. He is standing his ground and so am I. I don't know what to do about this. I am still very upset over the fact that I cannot rely on his emotional support that I really need that at this time. Any thoughts on this argument would be appreciated.

Why in the world would you bring an innocent child into this situation? You two are not compatible!!!!

If he does not want to have kids and you do you are wasting your time and energy. Find someone who wants kids. Forcing him to have a child will cause major resentment. It won't make him stay.

Find someone who wants children. Far greater chance of you being happy.

I don't necessarily want to know thoughts on whether I should have a child with him. As I said we have been working on our relationship and it has been going great for some time now. I'm more concerned about the argument at hand. We have had our discussion about having a child and that is something else entirely.

It DOES come down to not wanting kids. He wants to make you happy but not feel trapped. Ultimately he chose not to

be trapped.

Like I said, it's not about having a child. In the midst of our arguments over all of this he threw it out there that he wants to have a child afterall. We haven't had much of a follow-up conversation on that since we are in the midst of this argument. I'm just trying to get some advice on this argument.

He didn't cum inside you. Big deal. Yeah, I'd be annoyed too if you took that as a license to go to the bathroom to bawl. Wouldn't yell or anything, but it would definitely be a very prolonged eye roll. I'd say he did you both a favor by realizing after he mentioned it that it's probably not the best idea to let his penis serve as the guide in whether to bust a nut inside of you and potentially impregnate you on the spur of the moment.

Is this the kind of trivial stuff you usually get emotional about and get upset he's not supportive with?

I don't necessarily want to know thoughts on whether I should have a child with him. As I said we have been working on our relationship and it has been going great for some time now. I'm more concerned about the argument at hand. We have had our discussion about having a child and that is something else entirely.

This is not about one argument, but the big picture. You are not compatible. I am only going on what YOU provided.

If you need someone to talk to. Message me!

Like I said, it's not about having a child. In the midst of our arguments over all of this he threw it out there that he wants to have a child afterall. We haven't had much of a follow-up conversation on that since we are in the midst of this argument. I'm just trying to get some advice on this argument.

Well, you very much need to.

You walking out was not smart. What would you do if you had an argument as a married couple with children, for example? You can't exactly take off when you get upset but there are kids counting on you. I know you were emotional, but OP, you need to find a more mature and effective way to handle your feelings. Fleeing the scene - and it sounds like this is a pattern for you - is not helpful. I can see why he's upset with your reaction. I agree with you that he should just be honest if he's avoiding ejaculating inside you, it's not something to joke about for the sake of getting off. But you both need better communication skills, it appears.

The issue about the child is that it represents deeper incompatibly problems between you two. He can't just "throw it out there" that he wants a kid. That is not sufficient. You two need to have a very open, honest conversation about the seemingly unstable nature of your relationship and whether there's really a future here anymore. It sounds to me like you're drifting in two very different directions.

How long have you been together?

You can't force anyone to have a child and that's what the problem is here. You want a child, he does not. That being said, you need to find someone else who also wants a child, don't force it on him.

If you do force it on him, he will end up resenting you and resenting the child and the child will also suffer....just don't.

If you want a baby that bad, end things with him and find someone who wants what you want.

if it's not about having a child how come he knows mere mention of sperm inside you gets you aroused, and why are you so upset if the sperm lands elsewhere?

your post is a repeated pattern of "he said yes but then didn't do" : "he said he would ejaculate inside, and now i'm angry that he tricked me", "he says he doesn't want kids, then finally agrees he does, then ejaculates outside". but god forbid responders tell you you can't milk a child out of a man. it's about a fight. well, the same applies to this fight. you can't emotionally manipulate his sperm out of him.

i'm frankly shocked at the number of ppl who think it's okay to sneakily "collect" someone's sperm to create a life the other doesn't want to create.

but men and the government and the church and whoever better "stay out of my uterus".

yeah. maybe we should all procreate at our will, decision and initiative.

he doesn't have to come inside you, just like a woman does not have to allow getting pregnant. and extorting an "okay okay" out of someone who is just trying to get you to stop arguing does not translate to their firm decision to actually have a child.

I'm trying to understand what kind of advice you want since it's not about having children. I can not understand after reading your posts over again. All I got out of it is, you want to have kids, he's kind of agreeing but since he teased you by saying he will cum inside you but didn't, you got upset and left?

I agree with everyone else, the big picture is you want to have a child but he doesn't. It's upsetting you but your fighting style is intense. I think it's intense because you are trying to force him to have a child and you are not getting what you want.

I think maybe the miscarriage might have taken an emotional toll on you. More than you realized. Have you considered therapy? You are clearly not on the same page and you realized it. Whether it's about having a child or not, you two are not compatible. Why continue with the relationship? If you feel he's not supportive of you? It's just going to end up with intense fights and nothing ever get's resolved because you walk away or you walk out.

I don't know but a healthy relationships requires compromises and communications. Yes there will be arguments but intense fights? In an argument with a significant other, it doesn't always have to end with someone storming out. It's just that, a disagreement. Sums down to incompatibility.

If the pregnancy was an accident why are you continuing to have unprotected sex and using an ineffectual method like withdrawal? He doesn't want kids, he taunts you, you broke up several times and you argue chronically and don't get along.

The height of climax is not the time to decide if you want a family with this guy, no?

What is your end goal? A family with a man who loves you in a stable relationship? If so then cut your losses and find that because this man is now showing you this.

When we first began dating I did not want children. However i ended up getting pregnant. The following day we had sex and he told me in the middle of sex that he wanted to cum inside of me. I asked him if he was going to cum inside me and he said no.

This place is so judgy. I never said I was trying to force him to have children with me against his will. I want children and if he does not then obviously I need to have a conversation with him so we can understand the paths that we each want to take in our own lives. I am not the only person in this world who is had to have this difficult conversation with their partner. I don't know why he said he wanted to cum inside of me. I don't know why that turns him on but it does evidently. I didn't bawl my eyes out like a drama queen. I was choking back tears unsuccessfully because his comment played with my mind/emotions over this topic that we had just discussed. It was not a very tactful comment on his part. I didn't even get mad at him for his comment and I told him that. But I did get emotional. He got mad me for becoming emotional. This has been problematic with him in the past. For instance when I had the miscarriage he got upset at me for being emotional about it. I don't think emotions over such things sound all that crazy. He didn't even realize I was welling up until after he had finished. He put his hand on my back which seems like some sort of consolation and then he quickly fell asleep. That's when I went to the restroom to dry my eyes and put clothes on. When I walked out of the bathroom he was mad for who-knows-what reason. It was confusing and I was having a hard time handling his bad reaction to the whole thing so I thought I was best for me to leave and go home. Yes I understand that walking out on argument is not a good thing and as I said we have been working on our relationship and things have been going very well which is why I thought it might not be a bad idea to talk about the future and the possibility of having a child before all of this happened. He is also the king of relentlessly debating his point into the ground. It can turn into maddening all nighters with him. All in all it has been a problem for me to ever express emotions on anything without him becoming mad at me. That is somehow the reaction that he has when a person becomes emotional no matter how legitimate it is. So because of his emotional backlash I feel like I cannot trust him with my emotions. This is why I left to go home. And again before I left I kissed him and told him I was not leaving him in the Break-Up sense. I just needed to emotional space since he was upset about me expressing emotions. And I was even trying to be discreet about those emotions by trying to hold back the tears and going to the restroom. The whole thing spiraled with him denying responsibility for his bas reaction to a somewhat understandable set of tears as well as him pushing blame onto me for going home. Like I said he did finally own up to it but when he did in the same breath he would push blame back on to me. So without any more judgy comments here can anyone give me some heartfelt input about the argument. Do you think it spells insincerity to own up to it while simultaneously pushing the blame back on to me. Obviously trying to work this out with him which is why I'm here in the first place.

When we accidentally got pregnant in the first place he was all out coming inside me because I was supposedly infertile. Yes we are using the pull out method and if you do research it can actually be a fairly well effective method if done correctly. We both know that there are always risks for pregnancy with any form of birth control. We decided to use the pull out method because he has a hard time keeping an erection and condoms make that more difficult for him. We also don't know to what extent I can actually become pregnant and carry out of viable pregnancy. We have not gotten pregnant again. So once again can we stop talking about all of these other little details that me and him have already made our own personal decisions on. Such as using the pull out method. Can we stay on topic about the argument. I gave you the backup story about the pregnancy and wanting to have a child so that you understand why there were even emotions involved here in the first place.

When we accidentally got pregnant in the first place he was all out coming inside me because I was supposedly infertile. Yes we are using the pull out method and if you do research it can actually be a fairly well effective method if done correctly.

No. No it is not. You need to do more research. The people that say it works probably have children now.

Please educate yourself. This is a ticking time bomb.

Okay nevermind. This forum is not very helpful. I am not asking for advice on birth control. Given my fertility problems I will have to see a fertility specialist to pursue a pregnancy...and with his difficulties with erections the pull out method for us is what we chose. Again that is our personal decision and that has nothing to do with what I'm getting at here

Okay, for effective communication you can't try to escape communicating . Find a time where you are both calm and not distracted by something else . Do not make any kind of accusations . Use I statements such as I feel this .....when....

Actually effectively listen to each other . Usually if there's bad communication it's because people are being poor listeners and on average most people are .

However I don't see this forum as " judgy ". For the most part people here are very kind and it is a very long-lived forum Of almost 20 years . People just want to see you happy in a relationship that suits you . And sometimes people very independent of your situation can see a lot more than those struggling in the situation .

This place is so judgy. I never said I was trying to force him to have children with me against his will. I want children and if he does not then obviously I need to have a conversation with him so we can understand the paths that we each want to take in our own lives. I am not the only person in this world who is had to have this difficult conversation with their partner. I don't know why he said he wanted to cum inside of me. I don't know why that turns him on but it does evidently. I didn't bawl my eyes out like a drama queen. I was choking back tears unsuccessfully because his comment played with my mind/emotions over this topic that we had just discussed. It was not a very tactful comment on his part. I didn't even get mad at him for his comment and I told him that. But I did get emotional. He got mad me for becoming emotional. This has been problematic with him in the past. For instance when I had the miscarriage he got upset at me for being emotional about it. I don't think emotions over such things sound all that crazy. He didn't even realize I was welling up until after he had finished. He put his hand on my back which seems like some sort of consolation and then he quickly fell asleep. That's when I went to the restroom to dry my eyes and put clothes on. When I walked out of the bathroom he was mad for who-knows-what reason. It was confusing and I was having a hard time handling his bad reaction to the whole thing so I thought I was best for me to leave and go home. Yes I understand that walking out on argument is not a good thing and as I said we have been working on our relationship and things have been going very well which is why I thought it might not be a bad idea to talk about the future and the possibility of having a child before all of this happened. He is also the king of relentlessly debating his point into the ground. It can turn into maddening all nighters with him. All in all it has been a problem for me to ever express emotions on anything without him becoming mad at me. That is somehow the reaction that he has when a person becomes emotional no matter how legitimate it is. So because of his emotional backlash I feel like I cannot trust him with my emotions. This is why I left to go home. And again before I left I kissed him and told him I was not leaving him in the Break-Up sense. I just needed to emotional space since he was upset about me expressing emotions. And I was even trying to be discreet about those emotions by trying to hold back the tears and going to the restroom. The whole thing spiraled with him denying responsibility for his bas reaction to a somewhat understandable set of tears as well as him pushing blame onto me for going home. Like I said he did finally own up to it but when he did in the same breath he would push blame back on to me. So without any more judgy comments here can anyone give me some heartfelt input about the argument. Do you think it spells insincerity to own up to it while simultaneously pushing the blame back on to me. Obviously trying to work this out with him which is why I'm here in the first place.

You clearly pointed out, once again, that you are not compatible!

When we accidentally got pregnant in the first place he was all out coming inside me because I was supposedly infertile. Yes we are using the pull out method and if you do research it can actually be a fairly well effective method if done correctly. We both know that there are always risks for pregnancy with any form of birth control. We decided to use the pull out method because he has a hard time keeping an erection and condoms make that more difficult for him. We also don't know to what extent I can actually become pregnant and carry out of viable pregnancy. We have not gotten pregnant again. So once again can we stop talking about all of these other little details that me and him have already made our own personal decisions on. Such as using the pull out method. Can we stay on topic about the argument. I gave you the backup story about the pregnancy and wanting to have a child so that you understand why there were even emotions involved here in the first place.

The pull-out method is foolish!

Do you think it spells insincerity to own up to it while simultaneously pushing the blame back on to me. Obviously trying to work this out with him which is why I'm here in the first place.

either let this go, or see a couples communication counselor. walking out, arguing all night and insisting someone "take the blame" are poor conflict resolution skills.

and it's all for where the sperm landed.

i'd say have a conversation about acceptable sex talk, but i fer it'll go like it usually goes with you two if you don't have a third party there to mediate the heck out of it.

for a blob of sperm.

i don't get it.

if sperm talk triggers a painful experience, then talk about that with a professional too.

I will say though if he got mad at you for being emotional about a miscarriage you might do best to rethink that relationship with that kind of person .

I am sorry about your loss . ( I have had 4 miscarriages myself)

Sometimes the argument doesn't make sense - but it's a symptom of something larger.

In your case, your end goals do not match up and no matter how much you try to ignore it, it spills over in other ways.

You want advice to handle an argument that makes no sense. You need to drill down to what exactly the underlining issue is.

You need to have a respectful conversation with this man about what you both want.

It's ok to not want the same things. It isn't about right or wrong, it's just two good people who want different things.

You two can come to a compassionate agreement of some sort and stop fighting about all the other nonsensical stuff.

It may mean you need to go your separate ways though.

You can do this maturely and with love, if you choose to.

Him not being empathetic is also not a good sign. You don't have a lot of good things to say about him.

When you consider your differences, I can't help but wonder why you are in this relationship?

I will say though if he got mad at you for being emotional about a miscarriage you might do best to rethink that relationship with that kind of person .

 

I am sorry about your loss . ( I have had 4 miscarriages myself)

i think that's actually the crux of it. every emotional reaction he is cold about now, even if within reason, it will be resented as a replica of the miscarriage thing.

i wouldn't be able to get pass the miscarriage thing either. but then you either need help getting over it together or separately, or decide you can't be with someone like that.