Feeling guilty for doing what I want at age of 35.

Well my family is pretty close...I have 2 sisters and my mom. My mom and my younger sister live about 30 mins away from me. My sisters are married and I'm single (with a boyfriend). My boyfriend just came back from overseas and I just want to be with him, we are sorta getting "reintroduced" we have been a part a lot and we are working on our relationship. I am getting a guilt trip and a cold shoulder from mom...my sister just had a baby and I looovveee her she's so cute but they feel like I need to be around the baby now. I was there all the pregnancy listening to my sister plan her baby shower talk about her pregnancy and then on top of that my older sister wants to get pregnant and so I hear about that too. My family plans these dinners on the weekend and they sit around and talk and eat all day basically and I just don't really feel like going. Does that warrant me to get the cold shoulder? I mean...I'm 35 and kinda just want to live my life a little bit. I feel overwhelmed right now. I'm trying to work hard at work too and I'm hoping to move this summer if things work out at my job...then when I go home I just want to do what I want to do. Is this wrong?

You should not feel guilty at all, you are 35, you can do what you like, when you like, with whom you like. God I can go weeks without speaking to my family and have even turned down invites to events due to having my own life. It doesn't mean that you don't like/love them it just means "Hey I have other things on that have my time taken up".

well that depends-- are they there for you when you need them? if so, yeah suck it up. it's just the weekend meals, that doesn't sound too much. if they get too long, it's okay to only stay an hour and a half or so.

or is your boyfriend only available on weekends? could you still spare an hour for them? if not, have an alternative plan, like thursday lunch is to catch p with sisters, then back to work.

it's not worth resentment. make an appearance, ask about the babies, but don't be there all evening.

how much involvement is too much for you? cut it in half. give them half. ya keep your life ya keep your sisters.

i have a tendency to feel drained by people quickly, so keeping in touch regularly has been a problem for me until i learned to titrate it. the older i get the more i believe social exchange needs to be periodic, fluent, and the amount doesn't matter so much. whatever amount of time and energy that feels sustainable to you over long periods of time- that's the appropriate level of involvement.

Perfectly natural to want to make your own decisions at age 35. However, there are clearly consequences. Is compromise possible? Show up for dinner towards the end of the day or just go every other week? Bring your bf with you?

I think some healthy and balanced boundaries would really help you. Totally understand wanting to spend all your time with your bf, but family is important, too.

I don't necessarily feel they are there for me because I don't really have anything to be there for? I was there for the birth of my sisters baby....everyone else went home and to work and I was sitting there with her like ummm okaayyyy lol. Not that I didn't want to be there but sometimes it feels like "oh she has no life so she can do it". Oh well I guess I will just keep "sucking it up" forever.

Your family will always be your family, boyfriends will come and go, you will have only 1 chance to see this baby growing up.

Surely though there is a compromise here?

I had a similar issue a few years ago, my gf at the time in the end hated me spending a day out with my family. I don't regret it, I got to spend time I wouldn't change for the world with my little brother.

But yes, compromise.

is a couple of months away from family really all that bad? It hasn't been a couple of months its been about 3 weeks...I don't see why I need to see them so often....some people go without seeing family until around the holidays but 3 weeks is punishable. Sometimes I think I was born into the wrong family..I am just not that interested to be around so much.

Your family will always be your family, boyfriends will come and go, you will have only 1 chance to see this baby growing up.

 

Surely though there is a compromise here?

 

I had a similar issue a few years ago, my gf at the time in the end hated me spending a day out with my family. I don't regret it, I got to spend time I wouldn't change for the world with my little brother.

 

But yes, compromise.

I'm not going to say it gets old but I have 5 nieces. I have spend a lot of my life watching kids grow up and its not really that exciting to me anymore I'm 35 years old now..I want to start my life and do my own thing.

Yes you do need to establish boundaries with your family that you won't grow to resent. Probably should have done that years ago, but honestly, it's never too late for it. You need to live your life and personally, I think visiting fam every single weekend is total overkill. Why on earth should you be spending more time with the baby? You are not his/her mother and you really shouldn't get pulled into becoming a free babysitter....because you are that sister who doesn't have a life....right? More time with baby is kind of a slippery slope into that.

People will treat you how you allow it. Your mother giving you a cold should is a bit manipulative, but you know what? Let her. Ignore her tantrums and act like all is good and normal. Don't let fam bully you around like that. Go live your life, do what you need to do. Be available on your terms and guess what? They'll get used to it and learn to respect it. Also, with over involved fam, distance does wonders for your relationship. They can't whine too much when you don't live within driving distance.

Yes you do need to establish boundaries with your family that you won't grow to resent. Probably should have done that years ago, but honestly, it's never too late for it. You need to live your life and personally, I think visiting fam every single weekend is total overkill. Why on earth should you be spending more time with the baby? You are not his/her mother and you really shouldn't get pulled into becoming a free babysitter....because you are that sister who doesn't have a life....right? More time with baby is kind of a slippery slope into that.

 

People will treat you how you allow it. Your mother giving you a cold should is a bit manipulative, but you know what? Let her. Ignore her tantrums and act like all is good and normal. Don't let fam bully you around like that. Go live your life, do what you need to do. Be available on your terms and guess what? They'll get used to it and learn to respect it. Also, with over involved fam, distance does wonders for your relationship. They can't whine too much when you don't live within driving distance.

I do love my family...sometimes I just feel like I'm in a box..trapped and expected to be something or a certain way. I have health issues and feel like I haven't been supported much and its fine with everyone but when someone else in my family is pregnant or sick then it warrants so much attention and help. My mom does try to help me but she can only do so much and I understand that but I think I need to start moving forward with being strong on my own. It got to the point to where if I didn't answer my phone I would get voicemails from family stating " I know you are available ANSWER THE PHONE. YOU CAN ANSWER THE PHONE" ever since that happened I started thinking okay, I'm a grown woman I don't need to answer my phone if I don't want to. I think thats kinda what kicked all of these feelings off...not just my boyfriend coming home because he couldnt care less if I go visit them..I just feel like I want them to leave me alone sometimes. I didn't go over to see them yesterday and I got a bunch of facetime calls that I ignored. I seriously was just like OMG LEAVE ME ALONE. I also work full time so you can also see why time doing my own thing would be important. IDK I just feel overwhelmed. There were so many nights of driving home late alone on the road while everyone else was driving back home with their husbands after the dinner..it made me feel like..why do I keep doing this?

wow thanks for letting me vent. LOL

sometimes it feels like "oh she has no life so she can do it". Oh well I guess I will just keep "sucking it up" forever.

just say you have one hour and then you need to go. i'm sorry but i really have to go. i will see you this time next week. and then you will also have one hour. repeat as necessary. teach them this now, before the two new kids are just the right age to be dumped into your lap for babysitting too. you can be a good aunt without being there 20 hours of week. some people work less than that lol.

yes some people go long without seeing their family, but usually not when family lives just around the corner. so far, they automatically took this availability that ensued from physical proximity and your giving them a lot of your time to mean you don't mind and they got used to you being so involved.

now, turn the tables. why should proximity and your willingness to see them mean you have to be there for hours each time? why couldn't it mean that because you're so close and flexible, it makes sense for you to drop by for shorter visits? you're so close, not like you will leave them starved for your company, you'll be back for another hour next sunday, right. you won't even look bad, you'll look like a woman who isn't dumping her family but rather still taking the time to see them every week despite her life having gotten busy.

you may not have needed them yet, but there are times when you're really screwed without a support system. pregnancy and early motherhood are times of intense preoccupation with the baby and motherhood for most women. they can't contain themselves, they're all over social media, littering the office with talk of meconium, can't leave the house to go to the supermarket without a shirt that tells the world they are "momma bird"...it's natural. it's annoying as heck to the rest of s but it's natural and you win some major bonus sis points for being happy for them and with them. you'll want to cash in those points at some time too, for sure. not that family is trade, but if you're reliable, chances are they will want to be as well.

do your own thing. you don't need permission. what are you comfortable with? one hour for sunday dinners? or cancel those and have two coffee dates a week with them instead? do you know how much family appreciate that? i knew people above 90 saying "every saturday morning. she came for coffee every saturday morning after the vegetable market". it doesn't have to mean you give them hours on end. but that you are reliable, regular, they can count on you. then they are less greedy for the hours, because you will be back soon anyway.

i have a few extra vulnerable clients that require more guidance than others and can give me compassion fatigue. my close friend has aids and no one in his life. i would be burned out if i was there for them in large chunks. i tried giving them several hours once a week and it started to feel like a burden, i would dread that day. i don't want my friends and clients to feel like a burden to me, that's just wrong and i felt guilty. so i decided that i can give most of them short coffee dates throughout the week. that doesn't wear me out, and they know i'm always there. it has really helped me to give a little often, rather than exhaust myself on the dreaded day, like your weekend dinner.

.....no kidding you need to vent....

I hear you and hugs.... I am totally taken aback by their attitude and tone with you. Like really? I know you are not doing anything so answer the phone? No wonder you are upset....and you should be. It's just not right and I can totally see how you are needing some space from them. It doesn't mean you don't love your family or they don't love you, it's just that the family dynamic as it is needs some correcting for the sake of your well being and theirs and your overall relationship with them.

Consider also that you can use electronics to your advantage. Like when you want space, you can set your phone to auto text them things like "in a meeting" "busy" "on another call" and so on. Maybe that will clue them in that you are not available at their beck and call?

It got to the point to where if I didn't answer my phone I would get voicemails from family stating " I know you are available ANSWER THE PHONE. YOU CAN ANSWER THE PHONE"

Why do you feel guilty?

It's more that you have to train yourself to be invincible to guilt trips. Takes some practice, but you can do it. What drives the guilt for you?

oh hell no! wow, i didn't see that part, sorry! yeah, train them to live with less. as little as needed. do not answer the phone when you're not comfortable. just--wow. i totally get why you want to be away for weeks lol!

The real kicker is that I received this voicemail while I was at the hospital with my sister while she was having her baby....so I'm basically where "I need to be" and I'm still getting phone calls about how I'm not answering the phone. That really rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe I'm being too sensitive but that was sorta the nail in the coffin.... I took the full day off of work for that and then my mom ran back to work and said I should stay to be with my sister. Thats fine but wth my other sister didn't even stay..she came by and went back home and then I get a call that I need to be answering the phone. Why do they treat me like this? Makes no sense.

Why do you feel guilty?

 

It's more that you have to train yourself to be invincible to guilt trips. Takes some practice, but you can do it. What drives the guilt for you?

Well I guess its because of what most people stated in this thread...that they are family and that they are the only people that will be there for you, so you just need to make the time and see them whether you really feel like it or not. I guess I feel like I'm abandoning them or something.

I ask because usually guilt is when we have a belief of our own that we have done something unacceptable. What have you done that is unacceptable to your own sense of self? It sounds like you are a lovely daughter, sister, aunt. ?

Do you logically think it would be abandoning them to create some boundaries for your own self? I think it would make for an even healthier, better shoebaby brought to the table for them.

Sure, they'll kick up a bit of a tantrum when you do it. But they'll get over it.

Do you logically think it would be abandoning them to create some boundaries for your own self?

shoebaby, it's like if you don't give them everything, you're selfish? change that to they currently expect too much.

you will give what feels comfortable (not depleting), and if they are unhappy with that, it isn't because you are bad, but because their expectations are unfair/unrealistic.

when they scream, shrug and say maybe next time.

Oh wow, can I relate to this thread, OP!

I think the secret is expressing your boundaries to family, and them understanding and respecting that you need to have a life for yourself. Yes, family is important, but making a life for yourself and being happy is extremely important.

It's one thing if you're being selfish and not investing any time in your family, but the thing is, it sounds like you are investing time in them and making time for them. You can only do so much and you can't be there for everyone ALL of the time. Your family has to understand and respect this. If they don't, too bad. You cannot live your life for other people. Been there, done that...and it doesn't get you anywhere. It just makes you unhappy, which then rubs off on the people around you.

Express yourself in a nice way to your family. Establish boundaries. Let them know that you would like them to respect the fact that you need a life for yourself. Plus, you have to be happy with your own lot before you can give/invest in other people.

It wasn't until a few years ago that I went through this myself, and my family's still adjusting to it. I've reached a point where I've explained myself until I've been blue in the face. I think they finally understand that I can't automatically drop my life because it's convenient for someone else. Although my family is still getting used to it, as I sense some growing pains, I know it's for the best. I'm not living for anyone else. If I did, I'd be extremely depressed.

Some families are close knit some are over-enmeshed. The culture of some families is that invitations are like subpoenas. Everyone must be joined at the hip and stick together.

Some families have a lot of autonomy and boundaries and are very close and loving. Be kind don't fight them about it or bother explaining but gently say you're busy. Telling them you're not as entrenched in the fold will be hurtful to families who think like this.

Well I guess its because of what most people stated in this thread...that they are family and that they are the only people that will be there for you, so you just need to make the time and see them whether you really feel like it or not. I guess I feel like I'm abandoning them or something.

My first nephew was born right before I started college and my mother made my life hell because I was not "spending enough time with him" as I only saw him about twice a month. On and on and on. Frankly, I was busy and fed up. Thirty-two years later we have a very nice relationship and he and his wife and my husband and I all go out together when I am in town. I really didn't need other people telling me how to make a relationship. And as all my nieces and nephews got older they gravitated a little more towards me because I treated them like adults and didn't feel the need to control everything they did (or do).