He doesn't want kids-thinking of ending it

I recently had a discussion with my partner where it emerged that he doesn't want kids, ever. We've been together a couple of years but the topic has not come up in a serious manner because we are both postgrad students and not in a position to even think about it. I always knew that if I had children I would be an older parent due to my chosen career path.

When he outright said it, I was like okay this is something that might need to be addressed. I don't want to get to nearly 40 and have to start my life over with someone else, I would rather us go our separate ways now cos that is quite a big incompatibility. He then said "well, never say never, I just know I don't want them now". I really don't think that's fair. He has mentioned kids before in passing, but he also makes a lot of jokes like when I take my pill he'll say "maybe take two just in case".

I feel conflicted, cos he says different things at different times. I know if I keep mentioning kids that'll push him away, but if I could see into the future and no kids were there, I don't want to be with him. For the first time ever, I am considering leaving him which won't be easy cos in every other way (his mother aside..!) he is perfect.

Thoughts?

Coming from someone who doesn't want kids ever, it sounds like to me that he doesn't really want kids. I myself have said things wishy-washy and less than truthful not to partners but to people in passing who ask me about children because I just don't want to get into it and people are less likely to judge you.

Sounds like he doesn't want to jeopardize the relationship so he keeps stalling and giving you conflicting/non-answers. It's not right of him if he truly knows he doesn't want kids and he's just wasting your time.

I think if you are to bring a child into the world, you should have a partner who really wants a child too. It will be better for your union and the child. Never try to "convince" someone to have a child. Your partner should be wanting parenthood right along with you.

That's just my take. I understand your concern in not wanting to wait until 40 to try and find someone else. If having children biologically is important to you, I would say get out now and find someone who wants to be a parent. Not sure if your age but it sounds like you have good time to find someone else, build a good relationship, and then have a family.

well if you guys have sat down and had a serious conversation about it and you both feel strongly about opposite sides of this matter then maybe it is time to end it. Him saying he doesn't want them now is different than saying he doesn't ever want them. If this is something he has repeatedly expressed he wants no interest in and you are ready for that type of life commitment .....maybe it is time to move on.

Yes I think I know in my heart this won't last without wanting the same thing. It's just how to actually break up with him because right now we are happy together, I don't want kids myself just yet. I also know I'm going to be asking myself, what if he changes his mind and wants kids one day, or what if I accidentally got pregnant and he was happy. There's too many what-ifs and I know ending it will be right, but hard.

I had to make the tough call early last year to end a relationship with someone I was with because we had one heavy convo where he said he wasn't sure he wanted kids. I drew the conclusion from that conversation that 1) even if he was just having a freak out about it, I would never feel confident in his wanting kids and if we ever had them I would feel insecure about that and 2) if I decided not to have a kids as a result of that conversation, I would definitely feel some resentment. I wasn't entirely 100% sure if I wanted kids, but I knew I needed to be able to have that option. It made no sense to pursue the relationship further and I never looked back on that decision. There were other factors for why we broke it off but that was the biggest deal breaker without doubt.

Honestly, I think you need to end it. More than likely he's betting on being able to put it off indefinitely or you forgetting that you want them. this isn't really something that you can compromise on - children need parents who want them. Anything less is selling them short.

Unfortunately, different major life goals like this are deal breakers. I know how frustrating it is to find someone who possesses everything you want in a man, with the exception of one key area. If he agrees to this in order not to lose you, he willl end up blaming you when the stresses of parenthood come into play. I think you've now learned that for future relationships, you'll need to discuss these issues when you become exclusive before moving on with someone. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I would end it but have one final, serious (fully clothed and sober) conversation and tell him exactly what you think about the future -when would you like to start trying to conceive? Marriage first? If so how long married before trying? I didn't start trying until I was almost 41 because that is when I was with the right guy. It all worked out beautifully except that it was an extra stressful pregnancy - you are high risk over age 35 and I found it emotionally stressful to keep getting tested/evaluated, etc. I have several friends in their late 30s/40s who had a lot of trouble conceiving. It took us awhile but without intervention -extremely lucky. I would end things now if you are sure you want kids and I would start trying for children before age 35 if at all possible (or freeze your eggs).

You do need to have a brief, clear, direct conversation - no more joking around or evasive stuff or huge back stories - and if he's not 110% enthusiastic about being a dad in the next whatever years (you choose) and if he's not on board with intervention to achieve it (since you say you want to delay) I'd end it that day.

I think if he is saying he doesn't want kids but "never say never" then you should just assume he will never change his mind. My husband (2nd husband now) and I both do not want kids but he says this, he doesn't want them but "never say never," I really doubt his feelings will change. My first husband did want children and that was when I realized I didn't want them but I kept it to myself. And I remember I said eventually.

Nobody knows what they'll want for sure down the road but if he's telling you right now that he doesn't want kids and that's a big thing for you, you could move on and be with someone who does. And what if he has kids later with someone else? Well that shouldn't matter. It could be an accident or he could have changed his mind, who knows. Because today he is saying he doesn't and that response may not likely change. You could convince him or it could happen by accident and it could be the strain that breaks you up in the end.

Over all just be sure he is giving you that honest answer and not changing it just to avoid conflict. I hope this helps

Mick Jagger fathered his 8th child at 72. Can you afford to wait that long?

When people use trite sayings to avoid honesty it should give you reason to pause and reflect about your time, energy and investments. You may also want to reconsider another's sincerity and respect for your concerns when non-answers like this are used..

I went from vehemently against to "on the fence, but really... not too interested in it" to absolutely wanting them. I agree with the poster who thinks the guy simply is saying "never say never." I also agree with the same poster that you should treat it as though he won't ever change his mind. He may or may not, but whether on this topic or any other, if your compatibility with someone is contingent on someone changing who they are or what they believe, it's a pretty sure sign to usher yourself out the door.

Unfortunately, it sounds like you know you need to end it. The advice already given here is spot on.