Starting to freak out, marriage, kids, money, house etc.

Hi, pretty new here. Ok, so girlfriend and I have been dating for little over year and a half, living together at her trailer she owns for last four months. I'm 41 she's 39 neither of us have kids. Both have decent jobs, she has bachelor's in childhood education manages a daycare center, I drive truck for large supwrmarket, union job pretty good benefits. She wants the whole nine yards right now, house, kids, wedding etc. I am stressing about all of it, it seems like a ton of weight. We talk about it, but honestly I have been flaky about really getting deep into it. I do want a house, I think I want kids, and a wedding I honestly could do without, due to getting in more debt. Would rather just elope at city hall. I have not really expressed my feelings, that is a big problem for me, I guess I am avoiding conflict. Putting it off by just kind of buying time. We are taking small steps into looking for a house, got preapproved. The thing I worry most about is

1. We are different, she is an extroverted type, I'm an introverted type. I honestly have very few friends, she has a bunch of friends, which I get along with for the most part, except one. She seems to be the spoiled one in her family, they do pretty well except her dad, who was divorced from mom and actually owes like 500,000 to the irs, but her mom owned a business and did pretty well for herself. Her aunts uncles and grandparents have been local franchisees of a popular fast food chain. She idolizes her mother. She wants a lot of things, and it seems that money is not a first thought. She's not good with money. She also is overweight, which kind of bothers me but I try not to push it, although I'm gonna talk to her about it, 39 and overweight may be a problem for pregnancy. Can be impulsive.

2. Debt. We have two car payments right now, She owns trailer where we live, it is getting smaller by the day. She wants a house, I do too, but we disagree on price range. Wants a wedding, but would put us in more debt. She has a school loan that just started, about 30,000. I have a small loan I owe about a grand on. I plan on sitting down with her, our time is kind of hard to manage because of my job, so sometimes we won't see each other for days.

3. I feel like I have some commitment issues, I've had a rough growing up, no siblings, dad died when I was 2, mom was bipolar, now has paranoia among some delusions. I've been diagnosed with depression in the past, saw therapist for a couple years, on meds for a while. Was told depression runs in family. I have a large family I kind of grew up with which helped, but still lived with my mom the whole time.

Between all this it has me freaking out. I am in process of making an appt with a counselor, through my job I can get first 6 visits free. Some input and opinions are welcome. I know I need to talk to her how I feel, and I'm planning on this weekend or th he next time we have time. Thanks

Also, I feel like I'm trapped. If I were to leave, I think i will be her last chance at children. I think I drug my feet for too long. She does love me, and I love her, but I don't know if we are doomed for disaster, I guess that is one of my biggest fears.

Hi,

Its good you are discussing things with her this weekend. It sounds like you both are on different pages with her wanting to take on things you both can't afford it sounds like. I think the age is why her biological clock is ticking and getting the marriage itch. You are being reasonable not to get married right now. What worries me though is you saying you have commitment issues. I think you need to address that more before you settle down with anybody. Because no matter if it's her or somebody else it wouldn't be fair to that person.

Best of luck this weekend,

Lisa

I feel like I have some commitment issues,

I feel, this is one of your main issue's.

And maybe.. she is just 'wanting' a little too much at this time in your relationship.

Should NEVER have to feel rushed into anything.. only when you actually feel ready.

As for her weight.. may not be a huge issue re: pregnancy ( is it an issue to you?). I know many larger people who've been pregnant. All is fine.

Therapy.. good idea! You dont want to fall deeper into dispair with your life

Ok it's not that bad. It may take some compromise. It seems you are on board with a bigger home, trying for kids and getting married. Just nix the big wedding thing and suggest a small romantic eloping type thing, then a small affordable family party.

Can she live with 3 out of 4 of her dreams come true? It doesn't have to happen in 2 days. One thing at a time. Get married, save for a home while you try for kids and see what happens.

She wants the whole nine yards right now, house, kids, wedding etc. I do want a house, I think I want kids, and a wedding I honestly could do without, due to getting in more debt. Would rather just elope at city hall.

Thanks I agree I need to work on that, oone of the reasons I'm seeking a counselor or therapist. Her clock is ticking very loudly lol. She has been married once for 8 years but for some reason never had kids. Ex cheated on her, but I don't know the whole story. I do feel like I'm really stressing her out, she has panicked once when we were talking about babies. I guess I hinted that I was unsure of having babies. I told her it is a 50 50 choice because I felt like I'm being pushed to give her kids.

Ok it's not that bad. It may take some compromise. It seems you are on board with a bigger home, trying for kids and getting married. Just nix the big wedding thing and suggest a small romantic eloping type thing, then a small affordable family party. Can she live with 3 out of 4 of her dreams come true?

Also I have bought an engagement ring, she knows I have it had it about a month now. I think that is causing stress because I haven't put it on her finger yet.

Start with that she'll be thrilled and more open to some of the compromises.

Also I have bought an engagement ring, she knows I have it had it about a month now. I think that is causing stress because I haven't put it on her finger yet.

I think you just gotta be real with her. $30,000 in student loans, plus two car payments, and she wants to take out a mortgage and have a kid while you'd be the only source of income for at 3 - 4 years (assuming she gets back into the workplace after the kid starts school)? God forbid her or the baby have any health issues or if the baby is born with a disability and you need to shell out even more cash to make sure s/he's properly cared for. 39 does carry higher risks (though certainly doable) and, depending how diplomatic you're being with "overweight," yes, she's compounding yet another risk to a pregnancy.

It's really hard to say if it's commitment issues or you simply seeing the pie in the sky for what it is.

I'm sorry to say, but a house and children are something you should plan for. Unfortunately for her, she can't reroll the dice. I'd suggest some form of couples counseling, but only a year and a half in, it looks like you're simply glancing straight down the barrel of a woman who's got vastly different plans than you do. Hopefully you can make some headway this weekend, but I can't see this is a relationship worth digging your heels too far in over.

I think you just gotta be real with her. $30,000 in student loans, plus two car payments, and she wants to take out a mortgage and have a kid while you'd be the only source of income for at 3 - 4 years (assuming she gets back into the workplace after the kid starts school)? God forbid her or the baby have any health issues or if the baby is born with a disability and you need to shell out even more cash to make sure s/he's properly cared for. 39 does carry higher risks (though certainly doable) and, depending how diplomatic you're being with "overweight," yes, she's compounding yet another risk to a pregnancy.

 

It's really hard to say if it's commitment issues or you simply seeing the pie in the sky for what it is.

 

I'm sorry to say, but a house and children are something you should plan for. Unfortunately for her, she can't reroll the dice. I'd suggest some form of couples counseling, but only a year and a half in, it looks like you're simply glancing straight down the barrel of a woman who's got vastly different plans than you do. Hopefully you can make some headway this weekend, but I can't see this is a situation worth digging in your heels too far in over.

Also, I feel like I'm trapped.

This is all I had to read. I would definitely see the counselor, yes, but it sounds like a bit more than cold feet to me. I think you're seeing red flags. Do you feel like your gut is screaming?

You both have a lot of debt, she's bad with money, shes spoiled/material,.... why would you yolk yourself to this situation?

I think that you moved too quickly. You are already living together in just a year. Honestly, at this stage you should have just been dating - going on dates, spending time with eachother at eachother's places, etc, but not full time living. I don't know if you realized moving in with her would cause her to speculate about the next step.

The problem is not really her - its the fact that you feel bowled over because you never spoke up about what you wanted - but behaved as if you were on the same page - moving in, etc. So its not like she is railroading you - she perceives that you are taking the steps closer as well.

About the kids things - well - for her, its now or never. She will either have kids in the immediate next few years or she will not unless she adopts. Or it will be very difficult.

It does not matter if you had a rough childhood or not. You are an adult male of a certain age and its time to make decisions for yourself regardless of your upbringing. Do you want a child (even if not this moment)? Do you want to be with her? If you don't love her and she is not the woman for you, the other stuff should not follow and you need to speak up AND act - don't just park at her place out of convenience.

If she IS a woman you love and want to commit to - then I suggest you ALSO start to speak up.

If you do not want any of this - then you need to be fair and honest to her and exit. If you are worried about a child inheriting depressive tendencies, then maybe you need to speak with a genetic counselor and find out what is inherited. Or anaylize whether depression was a product of the treatment you received from family vs a chemical issue. And if that is the reason you don't want kids, be honest with her.

Also, get rid of your guilt by thinking you're her "last chance" for kids. She's a big girl, she can make her own choices. She can find someone else and get pregnant in a couple years if you two were to split. If she really wanted children earlier, she could have made that happen earlier but that's not what happened. Don't let yourself be a martyr here.

I think that you moved too quickly. You are already living together in just a year. Honestly, at this stage you should have just been dating - going on dates, spending time with eachother at eachother's places, etc, but not full time living. I don't know if you realized moving in with her would cause her to speculate about the next step.

 

The problem is not really her - its the fact that you feel bowled over because you never spoke up about what you wanted - but behaved as if you were on the same page - moving in, etc. So its not like she is railroading you - she perceives that you are taking the steps closer as well.

 

About the kids things - well - for her, its now or never. She will either have kids in the immediate next few years or she will not unless she adopts. Or it will be very difficult.

 

It does not matter if you had a rough childhood or not. You are an adult male of a certain age and its time to make decisions for yourself regardless of your upbringing. Do you want a child (even if not this moment)? Do you want to be with her? If you don't love her and she is not the woman for you, the other stuff should not follow and you need to speak up AND act - don't just park at her place out of convenience.

 

If she IS a woman you love and want to commit to - then I suggest you ALSO start to speak up.

 

If you do not want any of this - then you need to be fair and honest to her and exit. If you are worried about a child inheriting depressive tendencies, then maybe you need to speak with a genetic counselor and find out what is inherited. Or anaylize whether depression was a product of the treatment you received from family vs a chemical issue. And if that is the reason you don't want kids, be honest with her.

I understand that. That is part of my problem I believe.

Also, get rid of your guilt by thinking you're her "last chance" for kids. She's a big girl, she can make her own choices. She can find someone else and get pregnant in a couple years if you two were to split. If she really wanted children earlier, she could have made that happen earlier but that's not what happened. Don't let yourself be a martyr here.

Quite a few opinions thanks

I understand that too. And she understands that she had plenty of time to have kids earlier, but for whatever reason she didn't. I know I should not feel guilty but I do.

To reiterate what Fudgie said - you've been dating a year and a half, that's not a binding promise to have kids with her or even marry her. You've come upon some major issues in the relationship that you guys need to resolve before you move forward with the kids. I know her clock is ticking, but at the same time, rushing to get pregnant and then having the marriage collapse under the weight of the issues isn't good. Plus, there are sperm banks if she really really does want to have a baby now.

I'm all for city hall over an expensive wedding. It's the spirit and intent and love that counts, not the money or hoopla. But if you are feeling trapped, look deeper into that. It might be that you just don't know yet how compatible you are and that doesn't necessarily mean commitment issues. Work on communicating with her, though. She needs to hear from you. Your opinions matter.

Also, get rid of your guilt by thinking you're her "last chance" for kids. She's a big girl, she can make her own choices. She can find someone else and get pregnant in a couple years if you two were to split. If she really wanted children earlier, she could have made that happen earlier but that's not what happened. Don't let yourself be a martyr here.

As the 40 year old woman that I am, I will say Thats not always the case. I was an abusive marriage and there is NO WAY I would have brought a child into that no matter how much I wanted kids. And for most people they place a priority on finding a spouse before they have kids. Some people who want to be married don't find the right person immediately. There are people who also do not have kids as a top priority until they meet someone and when things fall into place = they want kids as a result of the marriage - not just having a kid because they want a kid. Some people caretake their parents or some people don't really 'grow up' and stop the party until later.

I can say that I have finally met the right person. If kids were a priority, we should have started a few years ago with plans. However, you get to my age and say "wow, where did all that time go." because i don't feel 40. I feel like I am maybe 30, but mentally a lot wiser than I was then. My age surprises me at times.

I do agree he should not think of himself as her last chance - but that being said, it gives him a responsibility to be honest and to exit stage left if she really wants kids and he absolutely does not. He would be wrong for hanging on silently and on purpose having a back ache on her fertile days and declining sex, or kicking marriage down the road just to kick it down the road. No "maybe i'll see how i feel in a few years".

I don't get the sense that she's the right girl for you. For example, you mentioned her weight (which is ok for you to be concerned with.) But if her head is in the baby making space, I don't know if she'll be on the same page as you about weight loss.

And the financial flags are flying - lots of debt, not a lot of income, materialistic.

I'd throw this one back to be honest.

As the 40 year old woman that I am, I will say Thats not always the case. I was an abusive marriage and there is NO WAY I would have brought a child into that no matter how much I wanted kids. And for most people they place a priority on finding a spouse before they have kids. Some people who want to be married don't find the right person immediately. There are people who also do not have kids as a top priority until they meet someone and when things fall into place = they want kids as a result of the marriage - not just having a kid because they want a kid. Some people caretake their parents or some people don't really 'grow up' and stop the party until later.

 

I can say that I have finally met the right person. If kids were a priority, we should have started a few years ago with plans. However, you get to my age and say "wow, where did all that time go." because i don't feel 40. I feel like I am maybe 30, but mentally a lot wiser than I was then. My age surprises me at times.

 

I do agree he should not think of himself as her last chance - but that being said, it gives him a responsibility to be honest and to exit stage left if she really wants kids and he absolutely does not. He would be wrong for hanging on silently and on purpose having a back ache on her fertile days and declining sex, or kicking marriage down the road just to kick it down the road. No "maybe i'll see how i feel in a few years".

Oh I agree with you, definitely. Sometimes life happens. And yes, I do think it's his responsibility to make a choice and to tell her so if the relationship is going to end, she has some time to go out, find someone else, and have the family she wants.

My point is that he should not feel "guilted" into having kids with her because he feels like he's her "last chance". He's not. As you said, he needs to make a choice and tell her ASAP so she can move on.

Ah yes, you can have the perfect stress free life!

Tons of money, job security, beautiful/flawless wife, envious house/stuff, and perfect millionaire kids!

Look, it's waiting for you, just around the next corner!

You just can't have it today.

Believe, don't buy into that way of thinking.

It's faith, challenges, and the bumps in the road that make a great, well-lived life.

Marry her, buy a house, have kids and send the negatives and their green-grass thinking packing

Marry her, buy a house, have kids and send the negatives and there green grass thinking packing

What about the red flags?

What about the red flags?

"She does love me, and I love her,..."

- Will overcome all over cooked fears.

------

"...but I don't know if we are doomed for disaster, I guess that is one of my biggest fears. "

- I see and work with this everyday. Hyper-cautious parents/culture/society the cause?

Maybe, but let me say..., you are already doomed and a fool to think you have a tomorrow.

There you have it, now you're free to live today!

If you are compatible, (compatible enough), with her [believe], relax and start enjoying the ride.