Starting to freak out, marriage, kids, money, house etc.

[Fudgie]

"She does love me, and I love her,..."

- Will overcome all over cooked fears.

 

------

"...but I don't know if we are doomed for disaster, I guess that is one of my biggest fears. "

- I see and work with this everyday. Hyper-cautious parents/culture/society the cause?

 

Maybe, but let me say..., you are already doomed and a fool to think you have a tomorrow.

There you have it, now you're free to live today!

 

If you are compatible, (compatible enough), with her [believe], relax and start enjoying the ride.

 

I guess I just don't see the point in yolking yourself to a person with loads of debt, materialistic thoughts, and baby-fever when you yourself are ambivalent and unsure. I'm not saying rule out marriage/kids if that's what OP wants...but WHY her? Why this one woman? Why just blindly jump to the altar? Does he feel like he can't do better? Not everyone is overweight, with 30k in debt, and a spoiled attitude. This lady has all of these things!

 

I mean, yes, everyone has imperfections - everyone, and that's okay. But it sounds like this lady has a LOT and OP is getting freaked out.

 

I don't know about you but that doesn't sound like an enjoyable ride for me. Sounds like a descent into hell.

[Believeland]

I know I have to make a decision soon. I almost feel like she can tell I'm on the fence, well with having a ring and not giving it to her yet is prob an obvious sign. I want to get through the holidays then make a decision.

Some of the red flags I noticed

 

We had sex on the first date, I spent the night.

She told me that shopping is like therapy for her sometimes, and that no matter what she likes to shop. She got divorced in 08, married for 8 years. She has a teddy bear that I think sometimes she sleeps with, I've never seen her but the bear is right next to her bed, sometimes on the bed.

Is the spoiled one.

Comes off as stuck up sometimes.

Idolizes her mother, to the point it bugs me sometimes. Kind of feel she needs to cut the cord.

Baby-talks alot, bugs me as well, it's cute once in a while but sometimes gets on my nerves.

I know She used to party alot.

We have different personalities.

Within the first month of dating she was going to north Carolina for a week with family and wanted me to go along.

Has baby, house, marriage fever, picked up signs pretty quick.

Other little things but rhats the gist.

Don't get me wrong she has some strong qualities too. Very caring and friendly, honest, smart, has a bachelors, she knows what she wants, a lot of close friends, seems dedicated to our relationship, has a decent job related to her bachelors degree, very family oriented.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here lol. Maybe this is helping me look at the big picture.

[abitbroken]

I know I have to make a decision soon. I almost feel like she can tell I'm on the fence, well with having a ring and not giving it to her yet is prob an obvious sign. I want to get through the holidays then make a decision.

Some of the red flags I noticed

 

We had sex on the first date, I spent the night.

She told me that shopping is like therapy for her sometimes, and that no matter what she likes to shop. She got divorced in 08, married for 8 years. She has a teddy bear that I think sometimes she sleeps with, I've never seen her but the bear is right next to her bed, sometimes on the bed.

Is the spoiled one.

Comes off as stuck up sometimes.

Idolizes her mother, to the point it bugs me sometimes. Kind of feel she needs to cut the cord.

Baby-talks alot, bugs me as well, it's cute once in a while but sometimes gets on my nerves.

I know She used to party alot.

We have different personalities.

Within the first month of dating she was going to north Carolina for a week with family and wanted me to go along.

Has baby, house, marriage fever, picked up signs pretty quick.

Other little things but rhats the gist.

Don't get me wrong she has some strong qualities too. Very caring and friendly, honest, smart, has a bachelors, she knows what she wants, a lot of close friends, seems dedicated to our relationship, has a decent job related to her bachelors degree, very family oriented.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud here lol. Maybe this is helping me look at the big picture.

 

Why did you move in with her? Let's put the baby stuff aside. If she irritates you, you think she is immature and you can list the bad instead of coming up with a list of good first - do you respect her? If you were afraid of commitment, why did you move in to give her some sense of it instead of taking it slow?

 

I don't think that wanting a baby at 39 is a bad thing! I don't think wanting to feel like you are settled/secure and in a house versus a trailer is bad either (tornadoes, etc). Its a worthy goal. The other stuff is what is more troubling - that you moved in so fast, that you are not on the same page, etc.

[Believeland]

We moved in partly for convenience, we lived almost an hour away, I also got a new job this summer and it's a lot closer to her. I know that's not a good reason, but it was one of the reasons. she is the one who initiated that convo, and I agreed that it would be a good idea. I can't say that I didn't know this will be a major point in a relationship, but it's not like we got married. I feel maybe I gave in some and should have said wait till marriage. I don't know. I moved in 4 months ago, and we have known each other for little over a year.

[Wiseman2]

Do you think you are getting cold feet/pressured so growing a laundry list of what ifs and deal breakers? You've been together a while and know all this.

 

Really, this is a deal breaker?

She has a teddy bear that I think sometimes she sleeps with, I've never seen her but the bear is right next to her bed, sometimes on the bed.

]

[Believeland]

Yes I do respect her. And I didn't say wanting a baby at 39 is a bad thing. I totally agree about the same page thing. I feel like there is a glimmer of hope, but then other times it feels too overwhelming. That's why I'm trying to make an appt with a counselor. I have issues as well, I am aware of it.

[Believeland]

Ok, 39 and sleeps with a teddy bear, it's kind of raises a red flag. Its not a dealbreaker, just seems to be a common theme.

[Believeland]

Do you think you are getting cold feet/pressured so growing a laundry list of what ifs and deal breakers? You've been together a while and know all this.

 

Really, this is a deal breaker?

]

I think you may be right, it was never a big issue. So may be I am nit picking and have cold feet.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok, 39 and sleeps with a teddy bear, it's kind of raises a red flag. Its not a dealbreaker, just seems to be a common theme.

 

To me a red flag is a dealbreaker. That particular thing is just something you probably think is weird.

[notalady]

To me, at 39, one and half year dating is sufficient to know someone well enough and to know if they are the right one and proceed with marriage and children given that at this age, it will probably take a while for children to happen.

 

If you're both in your 20s, I'll say what's the hurry, take your time get to know each other more. But at her age, I don't think a year and half is too quick at all.

 

I think as you said, your inability to speak up is part of the problem. I don't know if she knew the reason you moved in with her is due to convenience, because I'm sure it means a serious step towards marriage for her.

 

Also I see nothing wrong on her part for wanting a wedding, to buy a house and start trying for children, especially when you never objected or discussed your thoughts with her. If you never tried to negotiate any of these things, how do you know that she won't compromise? Wouldn't it make you feel less pressure and perhaps happy to proceed with marriage if she shows herself to be negotiable / sensible? And if she is unreasonable and insist on getting her way, well that may have just helped you make your decision to leave.

[MissCanuck]

I don't think you see a future with her, honestly.

 

There are a lot of things you don't like about her and see as red flags. Your gut is trying to tell you something.

[Believeland]

Well I don't know if it's red flags or maybe i have cold feet or trying to find reasons to say it won't work. I actually have an appt this Thursday with a counselor, so hopefully we can work through some things. She is being patient but at the same time there is tension in the air. She brings up wedding or a house everyday. Yes I have something in my gut that makes me want to second guess getting married, house kids etc. She wanted to stop at open houses yesterday at two places, but I said they are more than we could afford and why would we just go look if we can't afford them in the first place? She ended up being sad about it. I'm hoping to make a decision at the end of the month about everything.

[Lester]

"I actually have an appt this Thursday with a counselor,..."

- Good luck finding a cure for your doubts, hangups and second-guessing with some counselor!

 

Before you start, ask the counselor if they have ever been divorced?

Ask them about their perfect wife/husband, kids and life.

 

 

He who hesitates is not only lost, but can never understand the true meaning of love.

You keep going the way you are going, in a few years, you be imagining teddy bears laughing at you.

 

Love is not something to trifle with!

 

If you love her, marry her! If you don't, stop looking for answers to pointless questions and dump her.

[Believeland]

Made some valid points. As long as we can both be on the same page I want to

[Lester]

Trust me when I say this about wives.

They want a husband they can follow.

 

Yes, you will still collaborate, listen and be thoughtful. But there will come times when she wants your opinion.

At that time, you will give it, (preferably in a sentence or less), and go back to listening.

 

If you are a wise man, who based his marriage on love and understanding his wife... SHE WILL NEVER FORGET IT, AND YOU WILL INSTANTLY KNOW HER PRIDE IN YOU!

 

 

btw, and sadly, if you based your handling of your wife on whims, reactions, hearsay, silly advice, etc., she won't forget that either.

 

Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

But that's what couples do when they are already living together, talking marriage, etc. You bought a ring? Ok so it's what you want too, no? You do realize if you don't get married she'll kick you out of her house and end it right?

 

It sounds like your major concern is money/finances and how to swing this? You both work right? And she owns her house right? She sounds financially responsible, but now wants to do all that couple and nesting type stuff.

She is being patient but at the same time there is tension in the air. She brings up wedding or a house everyday.

[Believeland]

We have been supportive of each other when personal situations come up, like my mother, her finishing school when she had a meltdown, and a couple other things. I do like that about us. I think she realizes that too. As far as money goes, she is not that good with money. Her mom bought her that trailer when she got divorced, so she didn't actually buy it herself. She did tell me her ex used to do all the finances himself, so she never really saw what was going on. Don't know if that's because he was controlling or because he didn't trust her with the money. Its also strange that her brother is still friends with her ex. They invite him over occassionally, I thought that was odd.

She really wants to get out of the trailer wether it's with someone or not, but doubt she could by herself. I do too. She lived paycheck to paycheck pretty much. I realize I will be the one trying to set the tone financially. I do understand that wife looks at a husband as someone where there are times that husband needs to take charge and the wife looks to the husband for that. I'm not good at that, I'm not an aggressive person, I'm working on that. Not that I'm a complete pushover or anything but I definitely have some room for improvement.