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Thread: JJ's Diary of Dating

  1. #1111
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by John John
    This may seem like such a basic question and I probably should know it already - but what exactly is "chemistry?"
    I think it's pretty simple. It's that thing with someone that you don't really need to think about because it's just there, so potent that it makes whatever spins your heady self is prone to indulge in kind of beside the point, if not downright moot. The basic ingredients are pretty obvious—attraction across a mental, spiritual, and physical plane—but the mystery is that it's there with some, not with others. "Friendship caught on fire," is a pretty great definition.

    When you're stuck in your head? Well, I'd say you can sit around and analyze that like an MIT professor or chalk it up to a sign that the chemistry just ain't there. That's the case with most people we meet, be it on a romantic or platonic axis. If it were easy to find, life would be much less interesting.

  2. #1112
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I think it's pretty simple. It's that thing with someone that you don't really need to think about because it's just there, so potent that it makes whatever spins your heady self is prone to indulge in kind of beside the point, if not downright moot. The basic ingredients are pretty obvious—attraction across a mental, spiritual, and physical plane—but the mystery is that it's there with some, not with others. "Friendship caught on fire," is a pretty great definition.

    When you're stuck in your head? Well, I'd say you can sit around and analyze that like an MIT professor or chalk it up to a sign that the chemistry just ain't there. That's the case with most people we meet, be it on a romantic or platonic axis. If it were easy to find, life would be much less interesting.

    Not sure if you're saying that I'm "heady"/always in my head...I mean it's partially true, for sure. But I'm much less in my head than I used to be. I really have been trying to live in the here and now and not focus so much on the future or "end goals." I think this diary is just a place for me to vent my innermost thoughts occasionally. Like a sounding board, and also to get ideas from you guys of course.

    I understand what you guys are saying about chemistry and can't say I disagree. To me, it's certainly intangible, and I know when it's there/not there. I feel like within 2-3 dates (for me, usually 2), I should know if there's any real potential or not.

  3. #1113
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Have a drink for me in your new pool!!
    That's so exciting about your new home!
    I've always wanted a house with a pool. One of my first rentals had an Olympic sized indoor pool and I was in there almost every day. It was technically a seniors building so there was rarely anyone else using it.
    Anyways, enjoy!

  4. #1114
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by John John
    Not sure if you're saying that I'm "heady"/always in my head...
    Oh, I meant "your" as in "one's." As in: all of us humans have a "heady self," that lovely part of us that questions everything, sometimes making a mountain out of a molehill, other times making a molehill out of a mountain. But on the subject of chemistry? You put it quite well: it's an intangible, though something we certainly know is there, or not, much the way we know that we enjoy something (a certain dish at dinner, a pool in a backyard) or not.

    Like you, I believe chemistry is something we discover pretty quickly. An early simmer doesn't always reach a boil, of course, but it's a pretty critical x factor in seeing if the proverbial pasta can be cooked, together.

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  6. #1115
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    I used to give it 4 dates to have the desire to kiss someone or to enjoy kissing the person if I otherwise liked the person.

  7. #1116
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    Finally moving into my house this week! Closing took forever due to Covid and also due to the fact that the seller's new house wasn't ready yet. So they dragged it out for as long as they could. I refuse to close my pool until mid October hehe I'm determined to enjoy it.

    I'm sort of embarrassed by this, but I've been in my current neighborhood my whole life. It just sort of worked out that way, as I was always working and/or going to school in the city. My apartment has been rent controlled and having roommates really enabled me to save a ton of money and be in a really good position to afford this house on my own. I'm a bit nervous, but it's a good nervous.

    My sister just got engaged this weekend. I am thrilled for her, and I really like her fiancé (and I'm hard to impress). I've seen her struggle with dating (dating in NY sucks sooooo bad), and I'm glad she seems to have found her happy ending. I've tried dating during this pandemic, but have sort of been half assing it. I don't think about my recent ex in the sense that I still want to be with her (I knew months before we broke up that it wasn't going to work), but I sort of mourn the idea of even being with anyone now. It just seems so...out of reach/foreign now. Granted, I've only been single for 4 months, but I never allowed myself to really fall in love with my recent ex because I knew her limitations going in (with mental illness and not necessarily wanting the same things in life). She was/is a wonderful person, and I really miss her. If only it weren't for those things I just said, we would have been a match, no question.

    I'm a bit nervous about dating in the suburbs. My town seems to be relatively young, and my neighbors seem awesome. They are a few years older with young kids, but seem really cool. I hope I can meet women out there. I don't understand why it's so hard to find a woman that is attractive (to me!) and who has her sh*t together and wants the same things I do in life. At the risk of sounded stuck up, I think I'm a solid catch - I have a good career, am a homeowner, I'm good looking/in-shape, I'm genuinely kind and care about/take an interest in people, my mental health is generally in a very good place these days (after years of working on myself)...dont know what else I have to do lol. So tired of the online dating bullsh*t and just in general with dating...sometimes I feel hopeless. I much better about not allowing myself to stay in the headspace for long, and I will wake up totally fine tomorrow. It's just really hard seeing everyone else around seemingly find/keep love so easily. I think I bring a lot to the table and just want someone who offers the same and is on the same wavelength as me. I really feel like I'm looking for unicorn sometimes, but I honest to God don't think I'm looking for anything that I don't already bring to the table myself (not that dating is a barter system, I know it's not).

  8. #1117
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    I would just go with those feelings right now -let them be, let them settle, ease into your new home, celebrate being a homeowner since that sound extremely important to you, and slow down a bit as you ease in. I dated for 24 years in a city much like NY and it was so very hard -like a part time job at times - unicorn feelings and all. I had to become the right person to find the right person. I already had a very successful career, was financially independent, healthy in every way, fit, etc. 25 years ago in July my husband and I had our first ever lunch date. But even though we dated seriously and got engaged I wasn't the right person yet and he wasn't yet the right person for me. 8 years later we both were right for each other. That was 15 years ago this August. Life is strange that way. way. I had the mindset you did of what I brought to the table and for the same reasons as you. But when I became the right person to find the right person it really wasn't about that. Yes my husband and I are on the same wavelength and share very similar values and religion, etc. And that includes career/work ethic/ambition -even though I haven't worked full time outside the home since 2009 (part time now) those values, that wavelength -helps so much given how busy and driven and ambitious my type B husband is (yes a unicorn, usually people like him are type A like me!

    Anyway sorry to ramble. I get it and what I wrote at first is what I suggest, FWIW.

  9. #1118
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    Haha I didn't think you were rambling Batya! I appreciate your response and just the fact that you said you understood my feelings. Thank you. I will just try to "go with" the feelings right now, and focus on the excitement of my new home and enjoy it. It is indeed very important to me, as I've always wanted a house and have always wanted to be a homeowner. I sacrificed a lot to get here. Lived with roommates (when I really didn't need to) for almost a decade in my late 20s and much of my 30s (after having gotten out of a long-term serious realtionship - the one that got me on eNotalone in the first place!) to save money. I wanted to not only be able to afford a house, but be able to do so on my own and as comfortably as possible (with a large emergency fund and money on top of that for renovations and what not).

  10. #1119
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    Originally Posted by John John
    Haha I didn't think you were rambling Batya! I appreciate your response and just the fact that you said you understood my feelings. Thank you. I will just try to "go with" the feelings right now, and focus on the excitement of my new home and enjoy it. It is indeed very important to me, as I've always wanted a house and have always wanted to be a homeowner. I sacrificed a lot to get here. Lived with roommates (when I really didn't need to) for almost a decade in my late 20s and much of my 30s (after having gotten out of a long-term serious realtionship - the one that got me on eNotalone in the first place!) to save money. I wanted to not only be able to afford a house, but be able to do so on my own and as comfortably as possible (with a large emergency fund and money on top of that for renovations and what not).
    That's great! I cannot relate at all to that sort of goal but I know what it's like to achieve a long time goal for sure -enjoy!

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