People change?

Can someone change after they've hurt you?

My relationship was very up and down.. But when it was down each time it chipped away a piece of me till I basically have nothing left and having to build myself back up. He would get angry and say stupid things and tell people I'm a lying cheating scum( I've never cheated) and his paranoia and insecurity ran wild.

I've finally plucked up the courage to leave and all he's been doing is crying to everything and everyone. I came home to flowers outside my door and he is promising he'll change and it'll never be that bad again.

My real question is , can anyone change? It shouldn't take a break up for him to realise however I don't even know if I'm risking my heart yet again if I ever considered anything

I highly doubt he'll change his ways - what you see is what you get. Thankfully you got the courage to leave. Whatever you do, do NOT go back to him. Ever. Show him you enough self-respect to walk away from his abuse and name-calling. You dodged a bullet. Good for you!

people don't change. this is just a normal reaction to rejection. considering the way he has treated you, it sounds like he needs to grow up and learn how to be a man who is responsible for what he says and does. you cannot teach him how to be a man, he has to learn on his own.

He can't change without major therapy that would have to be ongoing for some time (months at the least)...but for the most part, people don't change, and if they do..it is years and years...not overnight.

He won't change without a lot of therapy and a lot of hard work on his own part so don't go back. This is his work to do not yours. Block him in every way possible and heal and build yourself back up.

Most abusers do stuff exactly like this. Did he ever change as promised? No. Educate yourself on abusive relationship dynamics and cycles. Get into counseling. Cut your losses and stop being strung along and manipulated. Go no contact, block him from everywhere. Get a restraining order so he won't show up at your house.

I've finally plucked up the courage to leave and all he's been doing is crying to everything and everyone. I came home to flowers outside my door and he is promising he'll change and it'll never be that bad again.

A therapist in a book I'm reading encourages breakups (or disconnects or "a brush of death") as she calls it to make people wake up and to create change. To answer your question, yes, I do believe some people change. For your situation, he needs professional help. And as Wiseman said, it's good to educate yourself too on his issues.

Not from the kind of toxicity you describe without serious loads of therapy, a near-death or total rock bottom "I am sleeping under a bridge, because no one wants anything to do with me" kind of live-changing event. What he has changed, maybe, is the ability to lie better manipulate you by crying louder about how "he has changed" coupled with your hunger to have the fantasy version of him in your head be a reality.

That fantasy version doesn't exist and never did. And I worked for 16 years in a women's shelter, they all cry and swear they've changed.

And yeah, those tears are real, you just mistake what those tears are over. They aren't over the person realizing they've been abusive and wrong, they're usually over the fact you've left and taken the high they get from being abusive to you away. They've lost control, with to most abusers is terrifying. No one else may agree with me, but if you put a chronically abusive person next to a heroin junkie I didn't see much difference, just an abusive person's drug of choice is anger and violence whether it's emotional or physical and the junkie's is heroin.

Consider he's going through withdrawals right now, that's what that is. But change just because you left? Nope. It'll be the cycle of abuse yes, but chances are better than not that sooner or later he's gonna need that high. And typically abusers escalate the more you go back them, the more power you hand to them.

My advice is to break all contact, get yourself into therapy, at least pick up the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft to educate yourself on abusers, look up "Cycle of Abuse" and realize if you go back to him you will find yourself in far worse straits than you just left. Because he has only "said" and "cried" he's changed, he hasn't "done" anything to "really change" now has he.

No addict I've ever met was simply able to talk themselves out of an addiction.

Relationships should not be hard. They require maintenance and work, but they should not, themselves, be hard.

This was. It's time to let it go.

In my view.. yeah sure people can change. But as one said it can take years to do this or a life changing event.

In your case all the guy is doing is 'adapting' he is not going to change because if you take him back you have given him no incentive to change. If you take him back now, everything is goign to be great for about 3 weeks then the abuse will start again. Being abusive to you does not change over night or in a week. If he did change then he might have to show you by dating another girl and seeing how he treats her. Let her be the one to get the abuse. There are plenty of guys out there who are willing to treat you right without the need to change.

To hell with this negativity, People can change. But only if they chose to. I'm currently in the process of fixing all of issues and I'm goong to start therapy soon.

My ex hasn't led me on at all, but I know she's worth trying for. I want a healthy fulfilling relationship. I'm willing to put my heart back out there, I refuse to play games.

You have to ask yourself if he has really changed, but it will take time for true change to take root. I have moments where I still fall into routines of weakness/clinginess, but my awareness and resolve are helping shake them off.

Only you can decide if he's really changed.