Can't stand it anymore

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.

I've discovered in the winter of 2015 that he had cheated on me with two different woman. Both women contacted me separately and were able to give me full details which made me completely believe them. One of them described my house to me to a tee, she had sex with him on our couch while I was at work. The second woman had claimed she was in a relationship with my husband, considered him her boyfriend, that they were working on "building something together". To make matters worse, my husband and I have struggled with infertility for the last 5 years. Last July I discovered I was finally pregnant after an IUI procedure. Shortly after discovering we were pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby. The day we found out that I was losing the baby, my husband didnt even stay with me. He claimed he "had something to do" he left at 3pm and didnt come home till 1:30am. I found out that he was with this other woman. This has just broken my heart completely.

I've of course confronted him and he hasn't denied sleeping with these woman, and claims he was with the other woman the night I found out I was losing the baby because he couldn't bare seeing me in so much pain?!?!? I dont understand how that validates what he did.

When I found this all out, I decided to give him a second change. But its been hell. He will say things like "I dont love you" "I was forced to marry you" "i hate being here" "I dont think I should be married" but then turn around and say he didnt mean to say those things he was just heated while arguing and said them. We will fight about the fact that he is never home, I eat dinner alone, go to bed alone, I hardly ever see him, he chooses everything else over me, he keeps wavering back and fourth on continuing with fertility treatments, he will tell me that we will try again then when it comes time he comes up with some excuse or claims that we dont have any money....Its taking a massive toll on me. He blames me for everything.

its so pathetic that Monday night he asked me to come home right after work tuesday because he wanted to do something together. I came home, and not 30 minutes later he was leaving because he had to go to soccer practice and laughed at how upset I had gotten. Now he isn't talking to me. He plays these horrible mind games and its just so unfair.

I can't stand it but I'm so devoted to my vows that I feel like a failure if I just give up.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place there is just so much I'm trying to say at once....

He is the failure. Failure at being a decent man. Vows take two people. If you insist on staying, go to counselling by yourself to sort through all this.

I can't stand it but I'm so devoted to my vows that I feel like a failure if I just give up

Vows to don't include putting up with mental cruelty or cheating. You would NOT be giving up. You would be getting rid of a mentally abusive cheater. Please. Value YOURSELF .

How can you be devoted to your vows when your "husband" clearly isnt?? It takes 2 to make a marriage work and he has clearly checked out.

Please leave him, take time to heal & find your self esteem again. No one should treat you this way, you deserve so much more than this loser is giving you.

If you decide to stay, please don't have a baby with him. It's cruel to bring a child into this farce.

Please sweetheart, go to therapy. You really need some self-love.

Its like I want to believe that the sweetheart I married is still somewhere in there. I can't believe that he would do all the things he promised me he would never do. He said he would never hurt me. He blames me for his cheating, blames me for all of it. I can't understand how you live with someone for 5 years and they change so drastically. I'm just exhausted.

I'm sorry you are going through this. The others are right, vows consist of two people and he didn't uphold his bargain of the vows by cheating and being cruel.

I think you need to divorce him and definitely not bring a child into this world with him.

Stay strong! You got this!

Lisa

As painful as it was to lose my baby I couldn't imagine being a new mom and having to discover my husband was cheating on me. It happened for a reason. And to be honest I dont even bring up trying to have a baby he is the one bringing it up all the time, I know that a baby doesn't deserve this life, I have to put that first and not my desire to be a mom.

yes, a reason, i was thinking that too...maybe it's magical thinking but -some higher power is smart not letting you get pregnant with this guy.

his slu!ts are more important to him not only than you, but his own kid already: please don't tell me you believed he was cheating on you while you were heartbroken over your baby because poor him couldn't take the pain? cheating on you because he is so sympathising with you- that's a new one!

what child needs a mean cheating pr*ck for a father, and to learn that adults who should love their family are the same adults who put them through misery? your kids will not know love from mistreatment.

what child needs to see their mum model self-sacrifice as loyalty? it will teach them they are worthless if they are not suffering for someone.

i feel horrible for you. he is absolutely sick and mean. i hope you leave him.

A marriage takes TWO people, VOWS take TWO people. He has abandoned both and made everything nul and void. Please visit a divorce attorney in the morning.

I was married for 17yrs when my ex cheated.

It was about him & his ego, wanting a much younger woman.

I threw him out & raised my 2 young children alone.

It was heartbreaking & the hardest thing I have ever done, but I have come out the other end stronger & a far better person.

You need to stop looking for good in your husband, Im sorry but there is none. He will never be the guy you thought you married.

He did say he hated seeing me in pain and sought out other people to deal with that. I can't find the connect either. Its the worst excuse and in essence blaming me for him cheating, once again. Its so manipulative.

He did say he hated seeing me in pain and sought out other people to deal with that. I can't find the connect either. Its the worst excuse and in essence blaming me for him cheating, once again. Its so manipulative.

Him saying that is BS. Get a good lawyer.

The thing about vows....when he shattered every bit of his vows he released you from yours......

Also, he is intentionally, deliberately beating you up because he is too big of a coward to file for the divorce he wants himself. So he is pushing you and punishing you and abusing you every which way he can hoping to provoke you into taking action.

Please stop the nightmare. Do not try to get pregnant. Serve him his divorce papers and get clear of this horrible creature. Please don't cling to what he might have been long ago, because this nasty lying cheating abusive creep is who he is today. It doesn't matter if he was good and turned bad or if he has always been evil and just hid it really well early on. What matters is that this is your reality today and the only way forward is by showing him the door and slamming it shut on him for good.

He did say he hated seeing me in pain and sought out other people to deal with that. I can't find the connect either. Its the worst excuse and in essence blaming me for him cheating, once again. Its so manipulative.

it is abusive. to blame you for his misconduct.

those who hit also blame the woman. it's her fault. she made them so angry.

He did say he hated seeing me in pain and sought out other people to deal with that. I can't find the connect either. Its the worst excuse and in essence blaming me for him cheating, once again. Its so manipulative.

So he couldnt go & see his parents or a mate?? He had to play "hide the sausage" with a woman?? Awesome way to cope with stressful situations NOT !!

I can't stand it but I'm so devoted to my vows that I feel like a failure if I just give up.

I understand taking your vows seriously, but your vows were to a partner in marriage, and it sounds like he's not participating as a partner. If vows are one-sidede, it's not a marriage. You wouldn't stand alone at the alter and make marriage vows with someone who doesn't show up, someone who is not also joining the partnership. The way he is treating you now brings that picture to mind. As others have said, a marriage takes 2. He's showing a pattern of not being in the marriage, despite giving some mixed messages.

You may have heard the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" when my ex cheated on me I naively thought that wasn't true. I had two young children, I'd given 17 years to that marriage but in my hopes to save our marriage and keep our family together I forgave him, I believed he could change... he always blamed me for his cheating. I wasn't this enough for him I wasn't that enough for him, I didn't do such and such for him. I tried to change myself, I fought for 5 years to keep him happy and take care of my children and you know what he did he cheated again in an even more spectacular way than he had before.

Don't waste your next 5,7, 10 years on a man who can't change, who couldn't even sit and hold you when you were losing his child. Sure everyone deals with loss differently but running off to a mistress at that critical time just shows you how much he doesn't give a toss.

I'm really sorry to say this all so bluntly but I've been there! He keeps talking about having a baby or he doesn't want to hurt you but then he goes and does the opposite. A lot of cheaters are cowards and dont want to end the relationship themselves because then that would make them the bad guy he wants you to end it so he can play victim. Get out now and and get away from his abuse.. You will find someone else who will care for you and value you and bring a child into the world with that kind of father.

What happened in my case? I finally kicked my ex out sadly he rarely sees his beautiful children, he doesn't pay child support because that's the kind of people cheaters are... self centred and irresponsible. But you know what it was the best thing I every did.. There is life after divorced I'm now remarried to an awesome man, they are out there and you deserve to find someone who will treat you with respect you deserve.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years.

 

I've discovered in the winter of 2015 that he had cheated on me with two different woman. Both women contacted me separately and were able to give me full details which made me completely believe them. One of them described my house to me to a tee, she had sex with him on our couch while I was at work. The second woman had claimed she was in a relationship with my husband, considered him her boyfriend, that they were working on "building something together". To make matters worse, my husband and I have struggled with infertility for the last 5 years. Last July I discovered I was finally pregnant after an IUI procedure. Shortly after discovering we were pregnant, I found out I was losing the baby. The day we found out that I was losing the baby, my husband didnt even stay with me. He claimed he "had something to do" he left at 3pm and didnt come home till 1:30am. I found out that he was with this other woman. This has just broken my heart completely.

 

I've of course confronted him and he hasn't denied sleeping with these woman, and claims he was with the other woman the night I found out I was losing the baby because he couldn't bare seeing me in so much pain?!?!? I dont understand how that validates what he did.

 

When I found this all out, I decided to give him a second change. But its been hell. He will say things like "I dont love you" "I was forced to marry you" "i hate being here" "I dont think I should be married" but then turn around and say he didnt mean to say those things he was just heated while arguing and said them. We will fight about the fact that he is never home, I eat dinner alone, go to bed alone, I hardly ever see him, he chooses everything else over me, he keeps wavering back and fourth on continuing with fertility treatments, he will tell me that we will try again then when it comes time he comes up with some excuse or claims that we dont have any money....Its taking a massive toll on me. He blames me for everything.

 

its so pathetic that Monday night he asked me to come home right after work tuesday because he wanted to do something together. I came home, and not 30 minutes later he was leaving because he had to go to soccer practice and laughed at how upset I had gotten. Now he isn't talking to me. He plays these horrible mind games and its just so unfair.

 

I can't stand it but I'm so devoted to my vows that I feel like a failure if I just give up.

 

I'm sorry if this is all over the place there is just so much I'm trying to say at once....

Leave him - yesterday. He is an and he's emotionally and most likely mentally abusing you. Once a cheater always a cheater. He has proven he doesn't care about you. Cut your losses NOW and get out.

Are either of you super religious or is divorce a sin or not condoned in your culture? Is this an arranged marriage you feel forced to stay in for family or financial reasons?

I can't understand how you live with someone for 5 years and they change so drastically.

Are either of you super religious or is divorce a sin or not condoned in your culture? Is this an arranged marriage you feel forced to stay in for family or financial reasons?

i am wondering how and why you married too. he blamed you that he was forced into this marriage? who is he saying forced him?

i sense a feeling of guilt in the statement about not wanting to break your wows and am wondering if it is religious guilt, moral, personal?

and am worried that if you don't dispute it you will sentence yourself to a lifetime of this.

You need to leave. You have nothing here. Don't invest any more time and be glad you have no children. I'm sorry for your pain. You cannot extract love where there is none. You can cry, scream, blame or shame...still none will exist. Take care of yourself. Accept the truth. ((Hugs))

This is emotional abuse and I know it because I'm in it. Your vow is to yourself and you need to love yourself enough to know that this is not a situation you deserve to be in. Nor is it a situation you want your future child to be in ( which you will have I promise you ) keep your head up

I'm not judging you. You have the be there for you. If you're not there for you nobody is going to be. (((Hugs))))

Him saying that is BS. Get a good lawyer.

Disagree. Just file for a quick divorce yourself - don't even get a lawyer. Those a-holes will suck out every penny from your bank account and leave you in poverty. Trust me when I tell you.