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Thread: Is there a name for this guy's behavior? And why is he doing it?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'll add that in 4 short months of honeymoon period and now this pulling away and blaming you and gaslighting is a red flag that your gut is warning you about. He's showing you early who he is and his push/pull will just get worse. I suspect the next thing he will be doing is accusing you of flirting with other men at work since you were the one that initiated contact with him so he'll put two and two together and his imagination will run away with him. Just speculating of course but that is often the pattern of people with these kinds of issues.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Good lord, woman. This guy is a mess. Get away from him before you are totally addicted to him and trying to rescue him from himself and his issues. You may "know" that a woman can't change a man but you are not actually believing that and, you don't have the clear and healthy boundaries to understand that you staying with him is just enabling him to continue being the emotionally immature boy that you have described him to be.

    You cannot "stop him from hurting you." That is where he needs a professional. Just like an abused woman/man can't stop their partner from inflicting the abuse. He clearly needs a professional. You can't help him. You have zero control over him and the only person you can change is you so have the strength to leave him now before you become embroiled in trying to rescue and caretake which is the dysfunctional opposite of caregive.
    Yeah, I think you're right, although I dont believe I have no control over him, I believe I can influence him and inspire him (he often says I inspire him to change his life for the better), I mean without someone in your corner, it's hard to be motivated. He has a serious issue with motivation. I know he's depressed but he won't admit it. He hasn't cleaned his apartment properly in like a year I don't think, he wouldn't even invite me over in the beginning, and still sometimes now he says he doesn't want me to come over because his place is a mess.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I'll add that in 4 short months of honeymoon period and now this pulling away and blaming you and gaslighting is a red flag that your gut is warning you about. He's showing you early who he is and his push/pull will just get worse. I suspect the next thing he will be doing is accusing you of flirting with other men at work since you were the one that initiated contact with him so he'll put two and two together and his imagination will run away with him. Just speculating of course but that is often the pattern of people with these kinds of issues.
    We'll see if that happens, lol So far he has been really good with that, he told me once he doesn't get jealous, and he told me he loves that I don't get jealous either. He is very open about that, telling me every interaction he has with a woman and then saying he is glad I don't get jealous. And so far he has shown no signs of being jealous when I talk to other men either. Sometimes I feel like that means he doesn't care, but I know jealousy is an unhealthy thing so I should be grateful he doesn't show that too, lol

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Wow, YES! Exactly, everything you just said is exactly what my intuition has been telling me (and what HE has told me too)...this is why I am not so quick to give up on him. I mean I know guys like this need to change themselves, a woman can't change him, and I learned that hard lesson now, but at the same time, he has no one who cares for him, his mother killed herself on Mothers Day after he got into an argument with her when he was young, his father beat him, his ex girlfriend rarely lets him see his 8 year old daughter, he said all his ex girlfriends have hurt him (I know at least 2 of them cheated on him), he told me a few weeks ago during a conversation about something "everyone stops caring eventually" and I said I won't. I am such a caring person that it's hard for me to turn my back on someone who obviously needs love. Love is the answer to everything. I know that also means loving myself (not letting anyone hurt me)...so it's a tough thing to deal with, how exactly do I stop him from hurting me yet be there for him when he clearly needs someone to be?
    That's a tough situation!! I don't really know the answer. I agree with ThatwasThen that you can't fix him, nor should you have to. He has very deep issues due to his past (how awful about his mom, my goodness), and therapy probably is in order. I'm like you and tend to believe that love is the answer to everything, but so far, that's gotten me nowhere good in life/relationships! Some things are too complicated for love to fix. I can just see this turning into a situation where you feel constantly pushed away and unwanted, and that is confusing and it hurts, even if you know where it's coming from. The longer you stay with him, the deeper you'll get, and the more it's going to hurt and the harder it's going to be to walk away. Maybe losing you will give him the wake-up call he needs to get help. I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Yeah, I think you're right, although I dont believe I have no control over him, I believe I can influence him and inspire him (he often says I inspire him to change his life for the better),
    and yet here you are telling us that the behaviour is escalating and he's treating you like he is indifferent a whole lot. It's only been four months. This behaviour is just starting. Don't wait around to see just how bad it will get. If you inspire him so much to change his life then inspire him to go to therapy and work on these ingrained issues he's been carrying around since childhood.

    I mean without someone in your corner, it's hard to be motivated.
    Where do you get this stuff? You could be in his corner and support him while he gets his therapy and works on his issues. That is much healthier then you thinking you can control outcomes and fix what's happened to him with your sheer will and devotion.

    He has a serious issue with motivation. I know he's depressed but he won't admit it. He hasn't cleaned his apartment properly in like a year I don't think, he wouldn't even invite me over in the beginning, and still sometimes now he says he doesn't want me to come over because his place is a mess.
    What is missing in YOU that you want to continue with this man? (an answer you should give yourself. No need to share here unless you want to) He is the furthest thing from being a good LIFE mate as their could be so I have to ask you what has (your) love for him have to do with anything? Love is never enough reason to stay with someone that can't be a good mate to you in the majority of the time. He treats you with indifference and petulance and at the four month mark, anyone with good, healthy personal boundaries in place and love of self would run away from him... Most have by the looks of things.

    You know, borderline personality disorder comes to mind when I read how he is and what happened when he was a child and his mother left him through suicide. If he's never had therapy as a kid then it's no wonder he's so screwed up.

    Don't let him bring you down to his emotional level. You know the psychiatric world says that we tend to attract people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental and emotional health. Not to be cruel, just pointing the fact out however: What is that saying about you, then?

    *Added to first paragraph.*

  7. #26
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.
    That is due to issues of codependency, as you've learned LL.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by lostlove76
    That's a tough situation!! I don't really know the answer. I agree with ThatwasThen that you can't fix him, nor should you have to. He has very deep issues due to his past (how awful about his mom, my goodness), and therapy probably is in order. I'm like you and tend to believe that love is the answer to everything, but so far, that's gotten me nowhere good in life/relationships! Some things are too complicated for love to fix. I can just see this turning into a situation where you feel constantly pushed away and unwanted, and that is confusing and it hurts, even if you know where it's coming from. The longer you stay with him, the deeper you'll get, and the more it's going to hurt and the harder it's going to be to walk away. Maybe losing you will give him the wake-up call he needs to get help. I wouldn't at all judge you if you want to stay, though, because I probably would too. Hugs.
    Thanks! Yeah I know love doesn't fix things like it should, I think the only reason it doesn't is because the love isn't being accepted by that person. You can give it away but you can't make someone accept it. I think, too, that breaking up with him might spur him to fix himself, but if it doesn't work, at least I tried. I can't do more than my best. I am sure I will be ending things, it's just a matter of figuring out how and when to do it. Now that I know how he is, it's making me feel less depressed about the whole thing and more smart, like up til now I was beating myself up about it thinking he just didn't like me anymore, but after analyzing everything and talking to people about it and realizing what's going on is truly all about him, not me, it makes me feel better, at least.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    That is due to issues of codependency, as you've learned LL.
    Yep!!

    Originally Posted by Rockchick26
    Thanks! Yeah I know love doesn't fix things like it should, I think the only reason it doesn't is because the love isn't being accepted by that person. You can give it away but you can't make someone accept it. I think, too, that breaking up with him might spur him to fix himself, but if it doesn't work, at least I tried. I can't do more than my best. I am sure I will be ending things, it's just a matter of figuring out how and when to do it. Now that I know how he is, it's making me feel less depressed about the whole thing and more smart, like up til now I was beating myself up about it thinking he just didn't like me anymore, but after analyzing everything and talking to people about it and realizing what's going on is truly all about him, not me, it makes me feel better, at least.
    Yeah, this has nothing at all to do with him not being into you. I know exactly how you feel. I'm still struggling terribly trying to get over a two-year on/off relationship with a guy who has a lot of self-worth issues, among other things. He's pushed me away countless times, then comes back as loving as can be, then pushes me away again. There's way more to it than that, and waaaaay more than I will get into here. But I'll just say that I tried everything I could possibly try, I spent probably thousands of hours researching and googling and reading books and asking for advice. I deeply love this person, and it's been sheer torture trying to break away. I don't want you to end up in that same situation down the road. Your guy and my guy have a lot of differences, but the push/pull is the same, and I see myself in you.

    ThatwasThen has been helping me and is full of wise advice, so listen to her

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    and yet here you are telling us that the behaviour is escalating and he's treating you like he is indifferent a whole lot.
    What I meant was, yeah it's true we can't fix anyone, but it is also true people don't fix themselves without wanting to change, and people DO make other people want to change. Stuff is happening right now that I feel needs to happen, he is acting exactly how someone would who doesn't think they deserve love and who is given it, they are skeptical and their mind will create the reality they fear. I'm dragging this out, but basically i'm agreeing with what you and LostLove have said.

    Where do you get this stuff? You could be in his corner and support him while he gets his therapy and works on his issues. That is much healthier then you thinking you can control outcomes and fix what's happened to him with your sheer will and devotion.
    I know he needs therapy but I can't make him get it, and I know he needs love but I CAN give him that. It's all I can do, so I have to try.

    What is missing in YOU that you want to continue with this man. He is the furthest thing from being a good LIFE mate as their could be so I have to ask you what has (your) love for him have to do with anything. Love is never enough reason to stay with someone that can't be a good mate to you in the majority of the time. He treats you with indifference and petulance and at the four month mark, anyone with good, healthy personal boundaries in place and love of self would run away from him... Most have by the looks of things.
    What is making me want to continue is a lot of things, I think the last 4 months have been 4 of the best months of my entire life. He gave me some of the best memories I have ever made with a man. I know it sounds silly because of how he's acting now, but I wouldn't have stayed if things weren't mostly good. In fact they were all good. I don't consider his little tests to be bad experiences, I do enjoy when he says stuff like that, it makes me feel good to know he wants attention, lol I know that sounds bad...let me put it this way; most men I have dated were too independent and didn't need me in their lives, so this guy finally comes along who can't seem to live without me (well, up til 2 weeks ago, anyway), it was exactly what I'd been missing from the other men I dated. I have dated guys who wouldn't even call me for a few weeks at a time, I have dated guys who accused me of having feelings for my best male friend, I have dated guys who were so selfish they only talked about themselves, I have dated guys who pretended to be into me just to get sex, I have fallen in love with guys who said they would marry me someday only to find out they were gay. Compared to all of those guys, this one is a gem. Nobody is perfect. Like Bob Marley said, "Everyone will hurt you, you just have to find the one worth suffering for."

    Don't let him bring you down to his emotional level. You know the psychiatric world says that we tend to attract people that are slightly above or slightly below our own mental and emotional health. Not to be cruel, just pointing the act out however: What is that saying about you, then?
    I guess my flaw is that I like when guys need me, like I just explained above, guys only have used me in the past and/or been too independent to want to be with me. This is only the 2nd official boyfriend I've had, because most of the other guys didn't want a relationship. This guy from before we even dated told me he believes in monogamous relationships not casual sex and that's when I started to think 'wow this guy is different'.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I'll leave you with one more bit of advise then because you're going to stay and be unhappy and you're going to complain while you stay which is the hallmark of a codependent relationship. You are losing yourself in trying to fix him but that's your choice. While you try to fix I suggest you read everything you can on codependent relationships so that you are actually aware of what you're in. Hopefully you'll at least learn that to accept your lot without complaint... which is to be happy with him in the way he treats you. Is him making you feel important by being dysfunctional going to be enough to keep you happy for a lifetime? Not too many can endure the bad that follows the good and actually be able to accept the lot they've chosen.

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