I feel so lost..Single at 41, any hope of getting out of this rut?

I am a 41 yr old woman who has been divorced for last 13 yrs. Having been through a very painful divorce, I am very empathetic and caring towards others. I have no family in the US and few frens who are busy in their own lives. I have intentionally never hurt anyone. Broke up with a guy 2 months back. He lives in London and long distance also created issues. I visited him for a week and after coming back things just turned sour. We are still FB frens but he has completely cut contact. None of us post a lot of updates on FB so our contact is nil. I am hurting like crazy...Sometimes, I feel very angry and sometimes helpless. My frens suggested I go out and date other guys in order to heal faster. I see nothing but jerks around. Men looking for a quick lay or older men with kids contacting me on the net. I am feeling very frustrated. I had a car accident last week, my brain is spinning out of control. I pray, exercise and try to be calm but I am so broken inside. So many men have told me to my face, or on the phone that 41 yr old childless woman is unwanted goods. I wonder why they even bother to contact me. Men have it easy in life..Devoid of any emotions and can go pick women anytime they want. Has anybody found love at a late age in life? Where are the good people? In today's age tinder and Match make it very easy for people to shirk responsibility and chase the next hottie. For years, I have been told that goodness always trumps but all I encounter are flaky, unemotional men!!! I don't know how to change my life, it feels so lonely and hard...

I will be honest about the kid thing - if a man wants kids, he won't be looking to date a 41 year old women most likely.

I think that you should invest in things that involve meeting new people = like meetup groups, etc, and not focus so much on dating sites - make more friends in the more natural way and you will eventually meet someone.

Also, if you are not open to meeting a guy who has children - you might want to eventually consider going on a casual,proper date with a guy with kids. A date is just a date. Honestly, men in their 40s who have never been married/no children is a smaller pool. Would you consider dating a guy in his mid 40s who has kids in college, so you wouldn't raise babies?

I think that i would take a break from online dating. Tinder is extremely superficial and if you don't look 21, you will have a harder time on there.

The problem is not that you are meeting emotionless men - its that you are investing too much emotion in every contact with a man. Once you can look at dating as fun - a chance to meet new people - the more at ease you will be and will date more successfully.

Men dont have it easy in life. Im 39...divorced...custody of 3....basically no life outside of work and kids.

I dated last year...ended when I thought it was going well. So im on the opposite end of the spectrum....afraid my kids are too much for a woman.

What kind of man are you looking for, have you asked yourself that. Figure that out and focus on where those kind of men are. We aren't all emotionless and looking for casual sex ill tell you that.

Men have it easy in life..Devoid of any emotions and can go pick women anytime they want.

Geez, where you getting this nonsense? I'm a 26 year old successful guy. I DON'T have it easy, I'm NOT, devoid of any emotions and I certainly can't pick women up anytime I want! It's hard finding ANYONE, I bust my but to go on a single date to the point that it feels like this part of my life isn't worth pursuing.

I'm not in the greatest train of mind to be talking about this subject right now, and you are older than me, but I have a few things to say to you... for one, I think you are becoming a bit critical towards men. I know perfectly good men OLDER than you that are looking for a nice woman. Not all men are horrible, and it certainly sounds like you've dated some awful jerks, especially if they have told you on the phone no one wants you because your 41 and childless. Guess what? Life happens. People get passed their prime, and not every man cares about kids. Y ouwant to know something about me? I am fairly neutral minded towards children. I would love to have kids, but I also, believe it or not, wouldn't care to NOT have any. Because they are a huge responsibility. I'm a "lazy" guy in some aspects, laid back, I like having my own time, money, and focusing on myself. I don't know if I would ever want to care for a child. And I have worked with kids many years, teaching karate.

The point I am making; not every guy cares about kids, wanting kids, or if you already have any. And not every guy is flaky, unemotional trash. One reason men get unemotional at times is because we get hurt feelings from women easy, so you have to take time to get to know some guys too. You need to drop the negative attitude towards guys, we aren't all that way. Your post also reeks of desperation. You need to relax a little and quit worrying about finding someone so badly. No one wants someone that is "desperate", regardless of their age.

So many men have told me to my face, or on the phone that 41 yr old childless woman is unwanted goods.

First of all any person who tells you this is an idiot and you should consider that a comment such as this says a great deal more about the person who said it than it does about you.

Online dating is terribly challenging at any age, it requires a tough skin, patience, and a very healthy sense of humour at the best of times. If you are feeling "broken" than I would strongly suggest that online dating may not be the place for you at the moment. Perhaps take some time to focus on you and work away at fixing what feels broken.

You need to drop the negative attitude towards guys, we aren't all that way. Your post also reeks of desperation. You need to relax a little and quit worrying about finding someone so badly. No one wants someone that is "desperate", regardless of their age.

I am open to someone who has a kid but more than 1 kid is a lot of work...Most guys have kids that are too small and that is never easy. I have been single for almost 14 yrs. If I was that desperate I would pick anybody that would come my way. I feel lonely and long for companionship. That is a very natural phenomenon.

So many men have told me to my face, or on the phone that 41 yr old childless woman is unwanted goods.

 

First of all any person who tells you this is an idiot and you should consider that a comment such as this says a great deal more about the person who said it than it does about you.

 

Online dating is terribly challenging at any age, it requires a tough skin, patience, and a very healthy sense of humour at the best of times. If you are feeling "broken" than I would strongly suggest that online dating may not be the place for you at the moment. Perhaps take some time to focus on you and work away at fixing what feels broken.

Thank you, I think you are right. I am broken inside and am feeling quite low at this stage. How do I fix what's broken?

What kind of man are you looking for, have you asked yourself that. Figure that out and focus on where those kind of men are. We aren't all emotionless and looking for casual sex ill tell you that.

I want someone humble, caring and sweet who I am attracted to. Seems it is too much to ask for in today's day and age. I don't know where those men are..certainly not on Match or Tinder. Your reply did make me think though..So all men are not looking for casual sex? Wow! I haven't been lucky so far...I hope God changes that

I think that i would take a break from online dating. Tinder is extremely superficial and if you don't look 21, you will have a harder time on there.

 

The problem is not that you are meeting emotionless men - its that you are investing too much emotion in every contact with a man. Once you can look at dating as fun - a chance to meet new people - the more at ease you will be and will date more successfully.

I wrote in my post that I went to meet someone in London. We had been talking for months. We connected through a matrimonial site and have the same ethnic background. My emotions would be invested in someone I knew for months. For once I thought I made a wise decision. It was based on intelligence, humility and not physical attraction. I grew to like hima nd appreciate his sweet self. Today I realize it was a mask. He has turned into a cold brick wall ever since I came back. He refuses to communicate and wants out. Don't know if he was only looking for physical intimacy and once that happened, chase was over

Lol....thanks. As a woman you confirmed for me that my situation is too much work for most women and that I shouldn't bother dating...for at least 10 years....which would put me at 49.

See...I can play this game too.

Lol....thanks. As a woman you confirmed for me that my situation is too much work for most women and that I shouldn't bother dating...for at least 10 years....which would put me at 49.

 

See...I can play this game too.

See if a woman already has kids, she is far more patient and experienced. I have no kids so am not very patient around screaming kids. Having said that, I have not met anyone that I have liked enough to be able to put in that extra effort. I hope you find love..My idea was not to bring you down

Thank you, I think you are right. I am broken inside and am feeling quite low at this stage. How do I fix what's broken?

Whenever I have felt broken, I turn to a trusted friend, or if things are really serious and you can't seem to turn things around, perhaps a visit to your family doctor is in order and you can discuss some counseling options.

Didnt bring me down. Hope you find what you're looking for.

I am broken inside and am feeling quite low at this stage. How do I fix what's broken?

What's been your experience with therapy? I can understand recognizing when you feel low, but carrying around a view of yourself as broken isn't going to buy you anything positive.

You make a lot of assumptions in your post. Carrying those around isn't helpful either.

Start with identifying what, exactly, you want to change about your life. Make a list. From there we can encourage you in specific ways to change those things, but when you glom everything together into a giant abstraction, nobody can 'fix' one of those.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

I want someone humble, caring and sweet who I am attracted to. Seems it is too much to ask for in today's day and age. I don't know where those men are..certainly not on Match or Tinder. Your reply did make me think though..So all men are not looking for casual sex? Wow! I haven't been lucky so far...I hope God changes that

God can't change it if you are not attracted to many people. If you are picky, your choices may be limited.

First of all you're not 'single at 41', you're divorced, so you've had long term serious relationships and know men are not "only after that". You need to put "divorced" in your profile, not single. Secondly, you mention God and praying quite a bit and seem disgusted at the Tinder and Match culture but haven't tried Christian Mingle?

Thirdly without being open to men who are divorced with kids you are limiting yourself even more. Fourth, chasing guys in Europe is an exercise in futility as far as developing a realistic relationship.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are not fully recovered from your divorce. People of all ages and in all situations find love all the time.

So all men are not looking for casual sex? I hope God changes that

First of all you're not 'single at 41', you're divorced, so you've had long term serious relationships and know men are not "only after that". You need to put "divorced" in your profile, not single. Secondly, you mention God and praying quite a bit and seem disgusted at the Tinder and Match culture but haven't tried Christian Mingle?

Fourth, chasing guys in Europe is an exercise in futility as far as developing a realistic relationship.

 

I put divorced in my profile always but I an single. You are confusing never been married to divorced. I am not Christian, I am Sikh. This Man in Europe has the the same ethnic background as me, we connected very well and he was visiting the US for a conference so I ended up liking him. It's not like I have been chasing several men in Europe.

 

You are right that my ex hubby was a decent man which is why I married him. That breed is very rare now, in this age bracket I have mostly encountered emotionally unavailable men or players. I am burnt out hence generalizing. I know I am venting right now coz I am hurting a lot...I need to meditate and become strong again

So many men have told me to my face, or on the phone that 41 yr old childless woman is unwanted goods.

 

In today's age tinder and Match make it very easy for people to shirk responsibility and chase the next hottie. For years, I have been told that goodness always trumps but all I encounter are flaky, unemotional men!!! I don't know how to change my life, it feels so lonely and hard...

The bit about being unwanted at 41 is absolute rubbish. Total and utter rubbish. It can be safely discarded; while finding a new partner is more difficult when you're in your 40's than in your teens, 41 ISN'T a late age in life. I recall a friend's family gathering, where his grandfather was late because he'd had to make a detour to pick up his new girlfriend. Those two were 85 if they were a day!

However, I'll just make a suggestion... suppose you were deliberately looking for flaky, unemotional men, where would you go? Yep, Tinder and free dating sites, that's where! They're the online equivalent of pickup joints.

I'd also suggest that it would be good for you to meet people who just like you for yourself, without any intention of romance. Forget about dating for now. What are your interests? Do you have experience which would suit you for voluntary work? Do you live in a town where there are Meetups? While you're living without the constraints of a relationship, and being child-free, now is a very good time to start living life to the full. Unfortunately, if you set out feeling negative, you're likely only to notice the negative things around you, and the first step to climbing out of the rut is to have a more balanced perspective on the world around you.

Sorry to hear about the car accident; this may well be behind feeling broken, and don't underestimate how traumatic even minor accidents can be. Just be nice to yourself!

(((HUGS)))

I wrote in my post that I went to meet someone in London. We had been talking for months. We connected through a matrimonial site and have the same ethnic background. My emotions would be invested in someone I knew for months. For once I thought I made a wise decision. It was based on intelligence, humility and not physical attraction. I grew to like hima nd appreciate his sweet self. Today I realize it was a mask. He has turned into a cold brick wall ever since I came back. He refuses to communicate and wants out. Don't know if he was only looking for physical intimacy and once that happened, chase was over

 

Two things - you didn't really know him if you were just communicating online or by phone and weren't actually dating during that time. When you go on a matrimonial site - its very reasonable for someone after meeting or getting to know you more decides that you are not what he is looking for in a wife. It may be better for you to just go on proper dates with no marriage website to gain your confidence back.

 

I am open to someone who has a kid but more than 1 kid is a lot of work...Most guys have kids that are too small and that is never easy. I have been single for almost 14 yrs. If I was that desperate I would pick anybody that would come my way. I feel lonely and long for companionship. That is a very natural phenomenon.

 

The best thing to do if you are lonely is to not date per se. Make new friends - particularly female friends - and also join groups that are mixed - both men and women - that share your interest. Potential dates smell loneliness a mile away. When you are not lonely because you have good friends and even do something that fulfills you - like volunteering for a cause you appreciate - working with kids, homeless women, pets - whatever. When you are happy in your own skin, etc - you will attract new friends and even dating opportunities. Lots of people still meet people the old fashioned way. It is okay to think that it would be nice to have a boyfriend - but people that are lonely usually meet people that take advantage of that. If you are not lonely, you will be less likely to settle for someone rude, appear to be a limited time offer and attract more positive behavior.

 

Also, as far as the kid - you won't necessarily be raising kids. The ex-wife may have primary physical custody - or even if he has shared custody, the man you are dating and the mother of the children will be doing the parenting. If you were to marry down the road - of course, you would get to know them and be their stepmom and you would be sharing your home part of the time with them, but there are some duties that you would not be doing at all. And you may just find you like spending time with them and they are interesting little people.

 

I think for your sake, you should go on coffee dates, etc with a variety of men as long as their lifestyle isn't in left field for you - its just coffee and its about getting to know people. If you do see a variety of men before pairing off with one, you will learn more about what you like and don't like and not have such high expectations over time. its not easy to talk for months and have that all built up and then meet and it fizzles. If you have coffee or ice cream or lunch early on in communicating with them and decide for yourself whether you want to go out with him again or keep accepting more coffee dates, you will feel more in control.

First of all you're not 'single at 41', you're divorced, so you've had long term serious relationships and know men are not "only after that". You need to put "divorced" in your profile, not single. Secondly, you mention God and praying quite a bit and seem disgusted at the Tinder and Match culture but haven't tried Christian Mingle?

 

Thirdly without being open to men who are divorced with kids you are limiting yourself even more. Fourth, chasing guys in Europe is an exercise in futility as far as developing a realistic relationship.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like you are not fully recovered from your divorce. People of all ages and in all situations find love all the time.

Yes, you have to be honest with people about that you are divorced. There are men that would not even meet me because I was divorced. I was in an abusive marriage - and I messaged one guy who didn't want to date divorced women with a brief explanation and he was not interested still. But you will meet men who are okay with it (unless the marriage ended because you cheated). But he needs to know so he can decide. Some men like dating divorced women because it proves they are capable of committing. Or they just find the person interesting and as long as they are not still married, they are game to finding out more about them.

Agree online dating can burn anyone out. What about through your place of worship or other cultural organisations in your area were you could meet men with the same values and ethnic background, since you mention that this is important?

Are you open to dating men of different religions or cultures? What is the age range you are looking for?

I am Sikh. in this age bracket I have mostly encountered emotionally unavailable men or players. I am burnt out.

I am open to someone who has a kid but more than 1 kid is a lot of work...Most guys have kids that are too small and that is never easy. I have been single for almost 14 yrs. If I was that desperate I would pick anybody that would come my way. I feel lonely and long for companionship. That is a very natural phenomenon.

Well...the truth is, most guys your age -- and younger -- are going to have kids, and many of those kids are going to be young. Perhaps you need to specifically search for men with no kids, or men who are clear about not wanting them. You may need to look at older men who either have no plans for kids OR have older or grown up kids.

Men don't have it easier than women, as evidenced by a lot of men I know AND men who post on this site. We all have it hard in some ways, and dating is hard for everyone, at every age, nowadays. Online dating, from what I've heard (never tried it myself) is particularly difficult, I think, because there are SO many people on dating sites, and there are too many options right in front of people. There are a lot of dishonest people people on those sites, too, and a lot of players and cheaters and otherwise shady types. Of course, those are all over the place offline as well. The key is good boundaries, good judgement, a healthy self-respect and the ability to weed out the bad ones right away. And, patience, which is hard for most people, I know.

Lol....thanks. As a woman you confirmed for me that my situation is too much work for most women and that I shouldn't bother dating...for at least 10 years....which would put me at 49.

 

See...I can play this game too.

Nope -- you don't need to wait 10 years. I promise. When I met my boyfriend (last year), he was 38, divorced for several years, two kids (12 and 9 and the time). I was 44, never married, no kids, and while I had SOME reservations (mainly about ME -- due to my lack of experience as a parent), I had no problem dating a man with kids. It has all turned out fine, thus far, and it's been almost 18 months. I love kids -- I just never wanted to have my own -- and I feel like it's a good fit. You definitely don't need to wait 10 years. If you're OK dating a woman who has never had kids (but likes them!) OR a woman who has kids of her own already (which might be a little trickier due to trying to "blend" two families together), you WILL find someone. Just be selective. It may take time, but it'll happen.