Girlfriend sleeping in same bed as ex

Hi all, I'm new here and have stumbled upon this website by chance when looking for advice using Google. All the users seem to be very helpful, and I'm hoping that even if just one person can help, or has been through something similar could offer me some advice, because I don't know what to do or really how to even think about a situation I'm in.

It is a rather long back-story to get to the point, so I am sorry for the length of this post from the start.

My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for close to a year, we got together when her relationship fell apart with her pervious partner, who she was engaged to. We have been friends for a long while prior to this, and are each other's best friend. Their relationship fell apart when she was pregnant with his child, the pregnancy essentially pushed them apart.

She has never wanted to let her ex that we are together, and still hides it from him which makes normality difficult.

Obviously they remain in constant contact, with twice daily Skype sessions so that daddy can see daughter and vice versa, she speaks to him on the phone many times a day, and they text regularly. All of which is hard for me to deal with, but exactly what I would want if I were in his shoes, so can completely understand. The real issues I have are that when she does Skype/text/talk to him she asks that I leave the room, as she doesn't want him to know that we are together. Likewise, when she is with him for visits she can't answer the phone to me, or really reply to my texts.

Let me explain at this point that I do trust this woman with my life, and love her more than I ever thought possible.

We do tell each other everything, good or bad, nasty or nice. I have no reason to distrust her. I don't think that I'm insecure, or particularly distrusting.

She has recently been on holiday (with ex, and daughter) to see ex's parents in foreign country for 8 nights. Whilst there, the parents flat is very small .. And had to share a bedroom ... And bed. I was not particularly ok with this, and expressed that to her... But I can obviously understand why they had to. She has assured me that there was "absolutely nothing to worry about", and that even if their legs accidentally touched in the night she would tell me.

Several weeks later, the ex then came to stay at her flat for a 3 day visit (they live 300 miles apart). And because her flat mate was home, again there was nowhere to stay, so had to stay in the same bed again. I had a bigger issue with this, because she could have arranged something, anything else in advance. This caused us to have our first ever argument, and nearly led to us breaking up.

As I said the daughter is soon to turn 1, and my gf has travelled up to his place to spend the birthday week there. The ex's parents are flying in from abroad for the week.... Which means, you guessed it, they are sleeping in the same bed as each other for the next week too.

I have no reason to distrust her, but the fact that she tries so hard to hide the fact that she's in a relationship, now coupled with them sleeping in the same bed ... Regularly. Is starting to make me worry.

I don't know whether many people will have been in a similar situation, but any insight, or advice would be really appreciated, because I don't want to seem jealous or insecure (because I don't think I am). However, this is really playing on my mind, and at night I'm struggling to sleep because it's constantly on my mind.

I have broad shoulders, so feel free to tell me that I'm being naive, that I'm being stupid, or that I'm overreacting. Any feedback, at this point, is better than none.

I'm so sorry for the long intro, but I wanted to tell the fully story rather than just tell the end part.

If nothing has happened between them in the same bed, it will, this is a loaded gun. Either way, she is straight up disrespecting you. Screw coming off as insecure, stand up for yourself. She is acting totally inappropriately

You are like a mite relegated to some dusty corner. You say you want people to tell you that you are being naive if that's how we see it, but are you going to do anything about it if that is the consensus?

My opinion is that you are on the losing end of a bad bet - girl with a baby, who she will put first for the next 18 years, who has an ex (father of that daughter) with whom she is still so close that she visits his family with him and stays in his bed, Skypes with him regularly, and won't admit that you exist.

I'm always baffled by how these kinds of situations sound appealing to anyone and what dynamics are at work for a good guy like you to stay, because you really do sound like a decent sort. Why don't you stand up for yourself and get the hell out? - this sounds like a pretty crappy future if you ask me.

Thanks for replying and giving me your thoughts. I really do appreciate it, and I totally accept what you're saying.

I know that her daughter will always come first, and not only do I accept it, I encourage it. Her daughter is always at the forefront of my mind too, I've essentially raised her with my gf for the last year. I've dedicated all my time, energy, love and even money (as daddy doesn't give a great deal of any of those things) to making sure she has everything she needs for the best start to life.

You ask what's appealing about this situation, I guess the only answer I have is that you cannot help who you fall in love with, and I am head-over-heels in love with her. Small sacrifices are always required to make any relationship work I guess, I just wonder whether I'm sacrificing too much.

Sophie, thank you for replying. It really means a lot to get other people's perception.

oh snap out of it for crike's sake they never actually broke up.

aaarrrhgh. you'll be okay with being hidden, that you come after this guy, that she regularly sleeps with him, that she needs to talk to him as if she weren't in a relationship with you several times a day and that they visit his effing parents...raising his dang child and paying for her while she's treating you like you're the kleenex this jerk wipes his nose with...jeezus effing crist man!!!

there must be a wobbly truck with a large crack driving around dropping turnips all over the place...seriously.

gah! i really want to slap the sucker outta you. please tell us you're trolling.

That's something only you can decide Ladders. But I think you were focusing a teeny part of what has been advised thus far (the length of commitment with the baby).

Putting myself in your place as a woman - for me, it would not be a small sacrifice to hear the guy I was in love with was sleeping in the same bed with his ex-gf and the mother of his baby and going away with her for 8 days to visit her parents and sleep together in the same bed. That is a deal-breaker. Add to that that he is skyping her all the time and kicking me out of the room when she calls, and he admits he has never told her about me in a year - since the time the baby was born. The words sacrifice doesn't even apply. This is just a bad situation.

Rainy, thanks for replying. I like your honesty.

I kind of wish I was trolling, because when I read it myself, it sounds bad.

I don't really understand the comment about the truck though.

Hey ladders, sorry to say this but you are really getting the end of the stick here. The ex seems to be getting all the benefits and you are the back up plan. The fact is, she is basically using you. Like you said, you put all your time and energy and money into this relationship and how do you get repaid? By getting kicked out of a room when she and her daughter gets talks to the ex. If she is over her ex, she wouldn't care about telling him that she is in a relationship with you. I don't understand why she needs to keep it a secret. It's been over a year now and she still can't grow the balls to say aomething to this guy? Just doesn't seem right.

DON'T BE A DOORMAT! This girl is walking all over you. She doesn't respect the boundries of a relationship and the fact that you guys akmost broke up because she wasn't willing to see you point of view only states that she is not ready to let him go. You need to step up and take charge of the situation and if that means you have to leave, then so be it. Its easier said that done but after reading everything that you wrote about the relationship, here is nothing that benefits you. Only here. The ex can stay somewherw else. He does not have to stay at her flat. She chooses to allow him to stay there. She makes a conscious choice to allow him ti stay in her bed when really he can stay at a hotel or on the couch at least.

I don't know man. I've never been in your situation butthe future doesn't look good. Sorry

Sophie, I've been thinking that more and more myself. I have told her that I just can't make myself see this as being acceptable. I genuinely don't want to break up with her, because in every other aspect, we are great together, it's like we were made for each other. However, this feels like a bridge too far for me, and although I could accept it the first time (because the circumstances made it difficult to do anything else) this now feels all too much like she's become ok with it.

Fantom, thanks for taking time to reply. I'm not going to lie, the words sting a little bit, but I suppose that's what I came on here for ... To hear the truth from other people's unbiased opinion.

What you've said, about staying on the couch or staying at a hotel /b&b were things that I said to her, and are the main reasons I have a problem with it. If the circumstances meant that there was no other option, I could understand. However, there are other options. As I said to her, I would rather sleep outside during an electrical storm, wrapped in tinfoil than sleep in the same bed as any other woman while I'm with her.

Thanks for your honesty.

all this talk of options...clearly, she has planty of those...but she chooses the ones that are pleasing to him and her an detrimental to you. she certainly makes herself available to him in all possible ways- seeing as she's not obliged to do that, she does it because she wants to.

for all intents and purposes, she is his little hohoho and you're her atm machine.

how is it her only option to skype him all day and hide the fact she's in a relationship? how was it not an option to say "i have no room nor do i share a bed with men other than my partner so you're free to book a hotel or not come at all"?

You are one really nice and caring guy, that is just being ran over. Listen to me, if they haven't had sex yet, they deffo will soon. Sparks always appear, especially sharing a bed and similar. She is straight up disrespectful and you are as someone above said a doormat. Tell her how things are, see her reaction and decide based on that what you will do. I wish you all the best, hopefully things go your way.

I agree with fantom. It isn't about whether she and the ex are sexual, it's about the position she's put you in and the way the ex is inside her boundaries to the exclusion of you.

Stepping back a million steps, envision a relationship wherein you are not judging, directing, or policing your gfs behavior. Wherein you accept that she does what works for her, and you do what works for you. You both have the power to leave at any time.

She wouldn't do this bed thing because you wouldn't bother to try to rationalize it. And you wouldn't stay, because it would be obvious that her choices indicate that she isn't a good match for you. (At least right now, and right now is all you have.)

Where is your power? Use it. Not to gauge whether her behavior is acceptable, but only to gauge whether this is working for you.

"Small sacrifices"????

I shudder to think what it is you'd consider big sacrifices.

That's something only you can decide Ladders. But I think you were focusing a teeny part of what has been advised thus far (the length of commitment with the baby).

 

Putting myself in your place as a woman - for me, it would not be a small sacrifice to hear the guy I was in love with was sleeping in the same bed with his ex-gf and the mother of his baby and going away with her for 8 days to visit her parents and sleep together in the same bed. That is a deal-breaker. Add to that that he is skyping her all the time and kicking me out of the room when she calls, and he admits he has never told her about me in a year - since the time the baby was born. The words sacrifice doesn't even apply. This is just a bad situation.

Exactly.

We can tolerate so much. I get that. But why would you? Stop whining when you answer that and just let this go. Please.

To me, it doesn't sound at all like he is an ex. What it does sound like is that for work reasons they have to live apart from each other, and she is using you because she doesn't want to be alone. I bet you anything that he has no idea they are broken up. Think about it: she is hiding you from him, she keeps in touch with him constantly, she spends time with him and they go visit her in-laws, sleep together, celebrate his b-day together... come on, if this is not a married couple, I don't know what is. Broken up couples just don't do that, at most they are civil with each other for the sake of the child, but that's it.

She is cheating, and deep inside you know it - you just can't find it in your heart to believe and accept it yet.

If I were you, I would dig deeper into this and try to find the truth. Why waste your time thinking you are in a relationship, when the reality is that you are just a married woman's filler, in her husband's absence? She's taken you for a ride and it's time to disembark and disengage. You sound nice, you deserve better.

Greta is right, the only one being taken for a ride is you. They're still together, maybe not conventionally, but they're still sleeping together when together and visiting his family together. You need to extricate yourself from this situation before you fall even further. You're being used. Kids or no kids, EXES do not act this way.

In my opinion, sleeping in the same bed is not the biggest problem here; it's the fact that your relationship is a secret. Why can't he know about it?

I find it strange that you were okay with being kept a secret but sleeping together put you over the edge.

Her daughter will be talking coherently soon. How long does she think this can remain a secret?

Your relationship is a secret.

She sleeps with him consistently.

She spends holidays with him.

She has never heard of hotel reservations.

You aren't a boyfriend .....you are a placeholder.

You aren't the child's father figure...she has a father. You are a placeholder.

Grab some self respect and walk away.

If she didn't want the ex to know WHO she was dating, I have no problem if she didn't reveal the identity of the person she was dating, but at least said she WAS dating until time went on and it looked like a commitment was imminent or you would be more in the child's life. Then he had a right to know who you are.

If he was an abusive ex and she didn't want him in her business, its okay to not tell him she is dating until the relationship progressed, so long as you were not interacting with the child (once you are seeing the child, he has to know) BUT that would come with her offering her ex to stay at her parents' house while he visited, arranging to stay at a friends herself, etc, and otherwise acting like she is in a relationship.

I think that there are 100 other arrangements about the ex staying there - her sleeping on an air mattress in the daughter's room while the ex took her bed, ex sleeps at a relative's and the daughter stays there too during his visit so he can have one on one time, he gets a hotel or takes the daughter to an attraction of some sort, she drives daughter halfway and they meet in the middle and he takes her home, to him getting a hotel. OR if she knows he is coming, arrange with the flatmate a month ahead of time if she could stay elsewhere while your girlfriend stays in the flatmates' bed. there could be a man who the girlfriend knows as a neighbor who could offer.

I would not put up with the same bed thing. I would not believe her. even if they did not have sex - it is so inappropriate I can't even begin to say.

I agree with the others - that would be it for me. Even if the dad is destitute - a sleeping bag can be had from a thrift store. I even heard of a non custodial parent staying at a local hostel if they didn't have a place. She must allow him to see their daughter. There is no rule about having to put him up. He has to figure that part out.

nd he admits he has never told her about me in a year - since the time the baby was born. The words sacrifice doesn't even apply. This is just a bad situation.

WHAT??? I missed this. I doubt they were divorced during the pregnancy. It would take severe abuse for a couple not to try to patch things together a little longer and wait for the baby. Unless the baby was the result of an affair. And even if they had broken up, why the heck would you start a relationship with a new mom, who just had her baby. She should be focused on her baby and not a new man. That is just dysfunctional on all sides. Why are you attracted to train wrecks. I bet any money that she is married and husband works long distance, or they are separated but not divorced. The husband could be around more often than she lets on. She wouldn't skype him everday if he was an ex. the daughter is not old enough to skype dad every day.

"My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for close to a year, we got together when her relationship fell apart with her pervious partner, who she was engaged to. We have been friends for a long while prior to this, and are each other's best friend. Their relationship fell apart when she was pregnant with his child, the pregnancy essentially pushed them apart.

She has never wanted to let her ex that we are together, and still hides it from him which makes normality difficult.

Obviously they remain in constant contact, with twice daily Skype sessions so that daddy can see daughter and vice versa, she speaks to him on the phone many times a day, and they text regularly. All of which is hard for me to deal with, but exactly what I would want if I were in his shoes, so can completely understand. The real issues I have are that when she does Skype/text/talk to him she asks that I leave the room, as she doesn't want him to know that we are together. Likewise, when she is with him for visits she can't answer the phone to me, or really reply to my texts."

- Wow! And you're still around??

1) You two got involved right away after their break up, if I'm correct. Not good. (she isn't over him/the relationship).

2) They skype regularly... they speak on the phone..etc. Not good! Constant interaction is NOT necessary.

3) She will NOT admit that she is involved with someone now... Not good!

No, this is NOT completely Understandable!

I have 2 Ex's and 4 kids. When we split up they'd see the kids at a certain time.

We did NOT constantly talk, skype, text, etc. I would inform them ONLY when necessary regarding their children.

When I went to visit family, they did NOT come with me.

the relationship was done.. we were done, that's it! We both had to learn to manage, on our own.

The situation you are in is NOT normal.

She should have admitted that she is now involved, by now.

She should not be spending that much time talking with the baby daddy.

She should not be in the same bed as the baby daddy.. nor be around him.

she is just feeding YOU excuses.. and will continue as long as you let her.

I do not seeing this ending well for you two. She has kept you a 'secret' and seems to have no 'borders'.. all wrong.

I suggest YOU speak up, put your foot down and either things change really fast, or walk.

She's most likely still with him.

The skyping is unnecessary. The bed sharing is soo inappropriate. Hiding ur existence...

Sigh. She's cheating or has cheated. All this is just really wrong.

Never be anyone else's secret.