B/F's bad temper, pushed me

We are both in our mid 30s and have been dating for 1yr, 3mos. I'm female, him male.

I have never met anyone like him, he has never met anyone like me. We are so spiritually and emotionally connected that it is just unbelievable. I truly feel that he cares about me because up until this point he has done nothing but good things to and for me. When I tell you that we have the perfect relationship, I mean that we really do. He is extremely communicative and supportive of me in so many ways, and I am the same for him. You know the deal.

A few times over the past year he has mentioned to me that he used to have a bad temper;

When he was younger he was that guy who threw things and smashed things and "accidentally" pushed his mother down the stairs when he was 18. He's been in many fights, apparently, as well. Over the past year and three months I have seen him lose his temper a few times, but never to the extent to which he had fit the description of how he used to be. According to what he's said, although he does have anger issues, it's nowhere near what it used to be like and he has grown to have much control over himself.

Well, this past Friday we went out to the pub. We weren't even drunk. We each had one drink and then left because I said something that made him angry. (If you must know, he told me that one of his female friends, who is actually a friend of the family, is excited to meet me. I responded with sarcasm like, "oh goody," and then went on to tell him that if the situation was reversed he would never trust me having a guy friend, even if he was a family friend. I do trust my boyfriend. I was just giving him "the business," so to speak, because I was feeling as if the same rules don't apply, according to him, and he would never trust me with a situation like that.)

Anyway, since he got angry at me, he left the pub and I followed him out and we walked back to my apartment. He basically yelled at me and told me that he didn't need any of this BS in his life and that he wanted to break up with me. This was really shocking to me because we generally don't have problems in our relationship. Nothing big or bad enough to warrant a break up. I could understand if a series of events led up to this but everything had been fine. He grabbed his things and made his way for the door to leave my apartment and I stood in front of him and told him that I didn't want him to go. He told me to get out of his way and I didn't so he pushed me. Didn't fall over but almost did. I got angry at him and I kicked him in the... Yeah. You know where I kicked him.

So he left my apartment and I followed him downstairs outside where his truck was parked. He got in his truck and I got in the passenger side and was trying to talk to him but he kept telling me to get out and I didn't. Then he got out of his truck and came around to the other side where I was sitting in the passenger seat, and I was trying to talk to him and he was just standing there just telling me that it was over. He was actually saying it loudly and firmly. At that point he closed his truck door on the sides of my legs. It didn't hurt me but nonetheless he shut the door on my legs. He walked up the block and get that point I followed him and he finally agreed to come back into my apartment to talk about things.

He told me to just shut up and not say anything until he's ready to talk. So I just basically waited around for him for 15 minutes until he felt like talking. And at that point when he did start talking it's like he snapped out of his zone and he started telling me how hard it was for him to control himself before and that he wanted so badly to just wreck things. He apologized to me for pushing me. Told me that he loves me.

and apparently he didn't even remember closing the truck door on my legs. Told me that he didn't want to break up with me and he thanked me for getting him to stay and not letting him leave. He took full responsibility at this point and again admitted that he has a really bad temper and anger problems. He even mentioned that he is controlling. And sometimes I do think he is controlling but at other times I don't because it's not really obvious and I've never felt that it's caused me many problems before.

The next day he was thanking me for being so understanding and for loving him for who he is. For taking the good with the bad. Obviously I didn't and still don't condone his behavior. However, over the weekend (he stayed at my apartment until Monday morning), I didn't point my finger at him or make him feel horrible about it. I didn't pat him on the back and support him either. I just listened to what he had to say.

And well yes, I guess I told him that I love him too. So on Saturday and Sunday things were fine between us.

And now today that I am not with him, I am home alone right now and I have time to really process all of this and think about it... I'm getting more upset over it. I feel like I am being one of those girls who think that there's nothing to worry about. But deep down, I know that I should take what happened last Friday as a warning sign. A big red flag. I know I shouldn't take anything lightly. But a huge part of me wants to dismiss this because I don't think that I want to believe that he could really be dangerous to me and truly hurt me one day. I feel like I am in denial, but I'm not because I am aware of how a situation like this can escalate.

I feel like a fool because from an outside point of view, it seems as if he got physical with me, and because I handled the whole situation better than he thought I would, he rewarded me by apologizing to me and doing a few things for me over the weekend that really helped me out a lot.

I'm really not sure why I posted this. I don't feel comfortable talking to my family or friends about this. One part of me knows that no one is perfect and that because he is so open and communicative about the way he is, then that should mean something right? At least he was aware of how he is and takes responsibility for it and is working to improve it and has improved it over the years. However, the other part of me is saying, "Wake up you idiot. Physical violence only escalates each successive time it occurs. What happened this weekend is a huge red flag and you need to get out of this situation now because one day down the road it will most likely just get worse."

Help.

Just break up when the relationship dissolves into violence you know it's over. You were both violent. This will 100% get worse. He is showing you who he really is. You should not have struck back either. My mother's best friend is in the cemetery today because of an abusive relationship.

Anyone who will shove their mother down a flight of stairs will do anything to anybody. Just remember that.

In my opinion you acted just as badly, if not worse than he did. Yes he pushed you, which I don't agree with but you were standing in his way refusing to let him leave. You were then violent in return. Then you continued to follow him and hound him into talking to you when he was clearly angry and wanting to leave. In all fairness, given his abusive past, I think he handled the whole thing fairly well. People with anger issues usually try to prevent such behavior by removing themselves from the situation. This is exactly what he tried to do but you wouldn't allow him to.

Thanks Victoria. As much as I don't want to hear it, I know that I need to. I'm sorry about your mom's friend.

You're definitely right in that I shouldn't have gone back at him. God only knows what he would've done to me if it pissed him off enough. And look at me I guess I stooped to his level.

In my opinion you acted just as badly, if not worse than he did. Yes he pushed you, which I don't agree with but you were standing in his way refusing to let him leave. You were then violent in return. Then you continued to follow him and hound him into talking to you when he was clearly angry and wanting to leave. In all fairness, given his abusive past, I think he handled the whole thing fairly well. People with anger issues usually try to prevent such behavior by removing themselves from the situation. This is exactly what he tried to do but you wouldn't allow him to.

I couldn't agree more. You were the one who started the whole argument as well as assaulted him! Kicking him in the testes was way out of line and not letting him leave and forcing him to do what you wanted him to do is being controlling. I think you are in denial about your own controlling behaviour.

Thanks Victoria. As much as I don't want to hear it, I know that I need to. I'm sorry about your mom's friend.

 

You're definitely right in that I shouldn't have gone back at him. God only knows what he would've done to me if it pissed him off enough. And look at me I guess I stooped to his level.

Stooped to his level??? I'm sorry, if you had stooped to his level you should have let him leave! You kicked him in the nuts!! You don't think you pissed him off enough?? I'd say it doesn't get much worse then that so you have nothing to worry about but I think he has plenty to worry about.

In my opinion you acted just as badly, if not worse than he did. Yes he pushed you, which I don't agree with but you were standing in his way refusing to let him leave. You were then violent in return. Then you continued to follow him and hound him into talking to you when he was clearly angry and wanting to leave. In all fairness, given his abusive past, I think he handled the whole thing fairly well. People with anger issues usually try to prevent such behavior by removing themselves from the situation. This is exactly what he tried to do but you wouldn't allow him to.

Thanks for your perspective. At the time this was all happening I was in such shock and I was feeling so hurt, that the last thing I could do was think about the fact that maybe he was trying to leave in order to prevent a bad situation from occurring. And it's funny that I didn't even think of it today.

Thanks.

I agree he was leaving so it would not get worse however for him to go insane and want to break up over a comment is very telling.

Still you are lucky he did not call the police.

Just leave each other alone from now on.

Stooped to his level??? I'm sorry, if you had stooped to his level you should have let him leave! You kicked him in the nuts!! You don't think you pissed him off enough?? I'd say it doesn't get much worse then that so you have nothing to worry about but I think he has plenty to worry about.

Apparently if he touches me the wrong way then he does have something to worry about.

Even though you were both wrong, you decided to fight fire with fire with someone who has a history of abuse. Either way, I think you need to put an end to this relationship, sooner rather than later.

Do not stop anyone if they want to leave . Then it will not escalate.

Thanks for your perspective. At the time this was all happening I was in such shock and I was feeling so hurt, that the last thing I could do was think about the fact that maybe he was trying to leave in order to prevent a bad situation from occurring. And it's funny that I didn't even think of it today.

 

Thanks.

I can understand how it must be scary to be with someone who has had these kinds of issues in the past. It seems that up until now you have pretty much avoided any violence occurring in the relationship. Maybe it would help to see it as him being a recovering alcoholic of sorts. If he were you would avoid being around alcohol, maybe in this case you can avoid things escalating to violence by both of you making a decision to walk away from a situation and take some space when an argument starts. It does sound like he has made some positive changes from how he used to be. It is also a good sign that he has admitted that he has a problem and it can't have been easy to talk about the things he did in the past. I think there are things that you can both do to help this situation.

Not saying it's cool that he pushed you and all, but to be fair, you were blocking his way when he was trying to leave, and he pushed you out of the way. I probably would have pushed you out of the way also. I actually think he handled the situation fairly well. He asked you to move, and get out of his car several times, and you refused. It's not like he flew into some violent rage and beat on you.

The whole fight was ridiculous. Why would you be so insecure that he is not allowed to have a female friend, that is a friend of the family, and excited to meet you? Pretty sure if there was something going on there, he wouldn't be eager for you to meet her, and she wouldn't be too thrilled to meet you. I think you need to work on some jealousy and insecurity issues.

You stooped to his level? You initiated the argument,pursued him when he wanted to be alone, kept antagonizing and kicked him in the groin... Somehow he even took all of the blame when you were equally if not more responsible, honestly you sound like the abuser and I would advise him to leave you.

Stooped to his level??? I'm sorry, if you had stooped to his level you should have let him leave! You kicked him in the nuts!! You don't think you pissed him off enough?? I'd say it doesn't get much worse then that so you have nothing to worry about but I think he has plenty to worry about.

I'm not sure it matters who started the argument; I guess like Victoria said it's a bit telling that he blew up that badly over my comment. He overreacted with his anger and how he left the pub and was ready to break up with me. So it's ok for him to overreact to a comment I made, but when he pushes me it's not ok for me to overreact. Again I guess the same rules don't apply for him and I.

You tried to block him from leaving by placing yourself in the doorway. He asked you to move and you refused. He tried to get by you, you wouldn't move so he pushed you. You didn't fall down. You then kicked him in the testes. There is a big difference between what he did and what you did.

I trust him wholeheartedly. Re-read my post. I only commented on his female friend because he doesnt trust me to the point that I am not allowed to have Male friends. All because he was cheated on eight years ago by his ex. He has to work on his jealousy and insecurity issues. I was simply trying to make a point to him.

Thank you everyone by the way for your comments and opinions. Even though I'm not enjoying reading all of them lol.

It's really interesting to hear your perspectives on this issue.

They BOTH made mistakes. It is not ok EITHER of them used hands on each other. It was not ok to shove her either but yes she was wrong too.

Really just break up because this relationship is not worth the hassle.

nd "accidentally" pushed his mother down the stairs when he was 18

There's your first huge screaming red flag. One doesn't "accidentally" push one's mother down the stairs. He could have killed her or maimed her for life and the fact that he claims it was "accidental" tells me he hasn't really taken responsibility for his actions. Also closing the door on your legs is not an accident either. Granted you were pushing him verbally and emotionally, but hello if you don't have bruises there and it doesn't hurt like heck I'd be really surprised. Nonetheless you need to take some serious steps back and look hard and long at the future. It's one thing to have a temper when you're younger, heck I had one too when I was younger. For me that meant I might yell at the guy who shouts out an expletive as me as he rides by in his truck or that I'd scream at a guy I was dating. At no time did my bad temper actually involve breaking things or physically hurting people and certainly not those I love.

I'd say get out now, because things will only get worse. And if he gets angry at you what does he do when he has a child who's throwing a tantrum or crying? No, sorry. When physical violence from one or both partners ensues it's time to call it a day and pack it in--you physically hurt him and he physically hurt you. Your initial fight also shows that there is something dark already going on in that you feel he has a double standard and you hint he's got jealousy issues in that he doesn't want you to have guy friends, but is totally find with having female friends--if I read that correctly. If he's jealous, has hurt people in the past, comments that he had a bad temper and anger then those are all clear warning signs that this is someone who will turn increasingly violent and abusive. It's time to walk as much for yourself as him since you also shouldn't have to get into a fight that pushes you to become violent either.

He has jealousy issues and you both can be pushed to physical altercations.

It sounds like it's really best for you to not be together.

I'm not sure it matters who started the argument; I guess like Victoria said it's a bit telling that he blew up that badly over my comment. He overreacted with his anger and how he left the pub and was ready to break up with me. So it's ok for him to overreact to a comment I made, but when he pushes me it's not ok for me to overreact. Again I guess the same rules don't apply for him and I.

It does matter because the comment you made was intentionally designed to have a go at him and ruin the introduction of the family friend. Who knows, he might be so sick of these comments that he had had enough. You say it was an over reaction to break up with you but it was his choice to do so.

I don't think just breaking up is always the answer, it's usually not what people want and it's also easier said than done. On the whole it sounds like you have a pretty decent relationship.

There are two main issues I can see here, one being the violence, and the other the jealousy. Both of which need work, but the jealousy I think is the harder of the two and I think very hard to change. Have you talked to him about this? If he can't or is unwilling to change, then you have a decision to make.

It does matter because the comment you made was intentionally designed to have a go at him and ruin the introduction of the family friend. Who knows, he might be so sick of these comments that he had had enough. You say it was an over reaction to break up with you but it was his choice to do so.

I bet she is sick of him too as HE is allowed to have opposite sex friends and she is not.

Bottom line - you two are like oil and water. He has anger issues and you like to confront and escalate. This will not end well.