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Thread: Oh man, I snooped, now I feel nauseous at what I found

  1. #441
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    I dunno, I'm in the same situation right now, sorta, but taking the opposite approach.

    So I got back with Ella, the girl who screwed me over in the spring, and honestly it's pretty great. She's changed massively, clearly really wants to make this work, and so far I have no reason not to doubt her. She's so happy and flirty and adoring and focused on the relationship, it's just a joy to be around. So, cool. But last summer (2011) before I met her, I was dating Anna, a friend/housemate/coworker (all the same person) all summer, and broke it off when I realized she made a bad girlfriend but better friend, and started dating Ella.

    Now, Anna still tried to get me back despite me making it clear that it was over, and I had to stop her because I was seeing Ella, who she'd met previously and hated. We stopped being friends after that, which was understandable, but I still missed her as she'd been a great friend before we got together.

    Fast forward to April 2012, I've just started a new full-time job at the same place I interned last summer, and so is Anna. Ella and I have split up. So Anna and I rarely talk -- she clearly finds it awkward around me, which is understandable, but we get a coffee a few times and eventually we get to be friends again. In the meantime Ella and I work our crap out and get back together. And I'm a little concerned because Anna is friends with all my friends, and yet I'm with Ella, so clearly at some point I'm going to get invited out in a group that Anna's included in, and I'm going to want to bring Ella, and it's gonna be pretty awkward.

    Solution? Turns out it's always the same one: honesty.

    Last weekend I'm spending the weekend with Ella and a friend invites me out into a group that Anna's in. I tell Ella "ha-ha, we could do that but I don't want it to be awkward so let's not". Guess the reaction. Of course: annoyance. Ella didn't get why, if Anna and I are now "just friends", there was any awkwardness. I tried to explain that the awkwardness was more around Anna seeing me with Ella again, but then realized she was right, it shouldn't matter.

    In two weeks my two roommates and I are having a ton of people over for our new place's housewarming, and Anna and Ella would both be there. So Monday I sat down with Anna on a break over coffee, and said hey, we never had this talk and I want to just be fast, but two things: 1) you need to know that you're one of my favorite people in the world, and I so hope we can stay being good friends, and 2) I'm seeing Ella again and hope that's not an issue.

    She reacted so well I was ashamed I ever thought she'd have an issue. "Of course I'm okay with it! Is it good? I'm just really happy for you." She said she was excited about the party and asked what to bring. I told Ella about the conversation and she was happy it was all good as well.

    Moral of the story: tell them both everything. Tell your ex that you really hope you can be friends, but you're excited about New Girl and hope she's okay with it. Likewise, tell New Girl about ex, and how you were thinking about avoiding the party but realized that would be stupid as nothing's going on with her, and really want to take her.

    You avoid bad situations or lie to anyone, you're going to maybe screw up a good thing. Be honest with both and then be a man and make New Girl happy.

  2. #442
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    Alright, another month down since the last update.

    So the party thrown by a co-worker turned out to be not a problem because I got sick and was forced to miss it. My ex called me anyway to see if I was going, but I told her I was sick, and she eventually decided not to go after all. She called to check up on me a couple times to see how I was doing, which was nice of her....I think.

    So I'm still seeing the eharmony girl. We've got a nice routine down where we spend our weekends together, and usually spend a weeknight together as well. We've done a hell of a lot together over the last few months, and shared many fun adventures. So things are pretty good on that front. The one thing that's kind of weird is that we've been "together" for almost 3 months, but we have yet to tell each other that we love one another. I think she's waiting for me to be the one to say it. But for some reason I'm reluctant to say it. I think I just want to avoid becoming too attached or something.

    My ex and I still play words with friends and even talk on the phone once a week or every other week. It's a little weird because we generally don't talk about our relationships, and I haven't told her about my new girlfriend, and I don't want to hear about her relationships. She sort of acts like she's not seeing anyone, but I assume she is and don't inquire about it. There's the occasional reminiscing about what we did when we were together, but I try to not dwell on that for long.

    My new girlfriend knows that I came out of a relationship where I broke up with my ex because I thought she cheated on me, but doesn't know that we still talk on the phone on occasion, and I feel a little guilty for keeping that from her.

    Anyway, that's the state of things at the moment....

  3. #443
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    My new girlfriend knows that I came out of a relationship where I broke up with my ex because I thought she cheated on me, but doesn't know that we still talk on the phone on occasion, and I feel a little guilty for keeping that from her.
    I think that if you want things to work out with the new girl, you should be very honest about other women, because that's what you expect from her.

  4. #444
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    Goodness there was a lot more to this thread than I thought when I first replied.

  5.  

  6. #445

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    Originally Posted by becomingkate
    I think that if you want things to work out with the new girl, you should be very honest about other women, because that's what you expect from her.
    Agreed. You're just doing to the new girl what that trainwreck did to you. Don't let your experience with her drag you down and turn you into someone like her.

  7. #446
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    Hi, long time no update (last update prior to this one was in Oct 11, 2012, and here we are in March of 2013, wow). Things have been good. I'm still with my "new" girlfriend, the eharmony girl, going on 6 months now, actually almost 7. We've done so much together, it's really kind of crazy. Not too long after my previous update, I told her I love her (and I do), and she replied in kind. Now we regularly tell each other that, probably multiple times a day.

    Last time I talked with my ex was probably just after Christmas. She called me every couple of weeks through November, and I finally told her I have a new girlfriend during one of those calls. She was actually kind of snooty when the call started, giving me a little attitude for never being the one to call her, but once I told her about my new girlfiend, her attitude kind of changed and she said she was happy for me. The calls became a little less frequent after that. And the last time she called me after Christmas was to ask if I could pick her up from the airport cause her ride bailed on her. She had just lost her job a week or two before and seemed in a emotional state and on the verge of tears. However, I had already made plans to go over to my girlfriend's house, so told her I could make it. Since then we exchanged a couple of texts in January, mostly her asking me to help fix her computer, and me telling her I was too busy (I really was very busy, but I also just didn't want to see her). We stopped playing our scrabble games back in January, so there's been absolutely no contact at all since January, and I'm glad for it.

    Like I said, things have been great with my new girlfriend. Almost too great really...at the risk of over-analyzing things, we have yet to have a fight or argument. That seems strange to me considering it's been 6, almost 7, months, and we usually spend about 4 or 5 days per week together. We've also gone on trips where we spent every moment together for 4-5 days, yet still no arguments. We're both pretty mellow people though, and do our best to adapt to whatever situation comes up. There's been a couple of times where it seemed like an argument was brewing, but it never reached that level.

    So there you go, that's the update.

  8. #447
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    OP, glad to hear things are going well with your new girlfriend!

    For your sake, I hope she doesn't snoop and discover this thread. She may be hurt to read you thought she was too much of "goody good" for not smoking/drinking and that you didn't think you had much in common. I'm assuming as its 7 months later, you discovered you two clicked after all. That's good that you were able to move on.

    As for the Ex, leave her in the past. I would not advise reaching out her again (even for Words With Friends or Scrabble). If she contacts you either ignore or send a curt reply. That's it. No open ended questions or catching up. No going to get coffee or drinks. You mentioned your current girlfriend didn't know you talked to your Ex for so long. Don't give her any reason to worry with inviting the Ex back in.

    Best wishes going forward!

  9. #448
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    Originally Posted by Iggles
    For your sake, I hope she doesn't snoop and discover this thread. She may be hurt to read you thought she was too much of "goody good" for not smoking/drinking and that you didn't think you had much in common. I'm assuming as its 7 months later, you discovered you two clicked after all. That's good that you were able to move on.
    Huh? Oh wait, that was the first girl I saw from eHarmony. My girlfriend was the 3rd. She's not a goody-goody, and we drink a couple times a week and smoke-out occasionally, but nothing too crazy.

    Originally Posted by Iggles
    As for the Ex, leave her in the past. I would not advise reaching out her again (even for Words With Friends or Scrabble). If she contacts you either ignore or send a curt reply. That's it. No open ended questions or catching up. No going to get coffee or drinks. You mentioned your current girlfriend didn't know you talked to your Ex for so long. Don't give her any reason to worry with inviting the Ex back in.
    Absolutely agree!

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