Can't call me his girlfriend

Basically.... the relationship I'm in is great. It is one of the happiest and healthiest I've been in for years. We get along great, we are respectful of each others' needs, we talk every day and see each other on weekends and sometimes during the week depending on schedule. We care about one another, have similar interests and laugh a lot.

I've known him for years and we reconnected several months back and began the relationship we are in now, so there is a history with us and a comfort level which is higher.

The trouble is... no matter how long we have been seeing each other/involved - he refuses to call me his girlfriend. He openly admits to having issues with commitment... but that doesn't at all mean that he is a "player" or wants to be with many women. Quite the opposite - he does best with monogamy and we are exclusive and in action he actually makes a wonderful "boyfriend" as I've already described. He just can't get his mind around the title.... it freaks him out.

He is caring, affectionate, he contacts me - all on his own. I never nag him. But mention the girlfriend word and he flips.

I don't know what to do or think. When we last talked about it (which has really only been a couple times), he got so worked up, basically telling me he "vehemently opposed" the idea of "having a girlfriend" or "being in a relationship" that I just had to relent and tell him I would try to understand his view. And then it was fine.... back to normal.

I just don't understand I guess. How can you be in a relationship without being in a relationship? My friends know about us. His family knows about us.. and so on. To anyone else we are obviously a couple, yet he can't allow himself to think that way even though he can act it.

What do I do? Do I continue to try to ignore this quirk? It is just a title after all.... and as I say... this is the best relationship I've had in years and he is a fantastic person who means a lot to me and he makes it clear that he cares for me as well.

Or do I give up and leave because he is telling me that even though he is acting fully invested NOW, I'm not/the nature of our relationship is not even worth his full acknowledgment?

He can probably only help himself; whether it's the past relationship that caused this disconnect or he lost deep trust in someone he looked up look (like his parents). I'm not sure if there's really anything you can do when you're dating someone who's a commitment phobe.

Whether the "relationship" feels great or not doesn't matter. The absence of a title IS an issue because it means he can up and leave at any time for any reason and not feel too bad about it. That's why people do this - it's a kind of insurance policy in the event of a future change of heart, and a way of managing your expectations downwards and limiting their own accountability should circumstances change down the road. So effectively you have one person wanting to give their all and the other person wanting to give what they feel like, when they feel like, conditional on them. Which is a lopsided relationship.

Commitment phobes are very hard to figure out. I will be honest and say, i not sure there is anything you can do. Does he do all the 'right' things? Yes? Then i guess in the end, it does not matter if he cannot identify with the title. Maybe give the word girlfriend a different name? Babe? Other half? Matching pair? Someone that follows you around? LOL!

Maybe it will disappear with time, maybe not. Im afraid i dont have any answers for you as this is one area i have no clue about.

I disagree with Rabbits in that he has obviously jumped into the relationship head first. So my guess would be he is just afraid of the title. Why that is, only he would know. Why do people think there are rules for everything in life? Who knows.

Its a safety thing. Has nothing to do with you. When people are afraid of being hurt they don't like having the title. It gives them a sense of comfort and self defense. I wouldn't worry if things are great like you said, eventually hell turn around... I've seen it happe, my brother was like that.

Its a safety thing. Has nothing to do with you. When people are afraid of being hurt they don't like having the title. It gives them a sense of comfort and self defense. I wouldn't worry if things are great like you said, eventually hell turn around... I've seen it happe, my brother was like that.

Really? Did he end up getting well?

I wouldn't try to convince yourself, that bc, x, y, and z, is happening, you should do away with something that matters to YOU. Clearly you want to call him your bf and you place a value in that title(as you should!). It doesn't matter who you have met, how many times he is calling you, and who else (outside of your relatinship) may feel he'll come around......the fact is you want the title, bc the title symbolizes your place in his heart and life. The fact he is that adamant about not being in a relationship and behaves like: "freaked out"; "got so worked up"; "vehemently opposed", are not good imo, and I would question his commitment and longetivity in the psuedo-relationship.

Think about it. You deserve to be with someone who would be PROUD to claim as HIS girlfriend................don't settle.

I wouldn't settle for it, no matter how nice he is. I'm sure he's also kind to animals.

This is tough. While it's best to steer clear of commitment-phobes (if you're seeking a committed relationship), you don't realize that your partner's a GENUINE commitment-phobe until you've already invested a bunch of time into the relationship. You'll start to rationalize: well, even if he won't give it a title, he's still acting like a good boyfriend, so what's the big deal?

It IS a big deal. He's acting like a teenager and he refuses to take responsibility for the relationship he's in. He's setting you up for a "what did you expect; you knew this going in" type of break-up. What you can do is tell him that this is very important to you, that he commit himself to you exclusively and declare it. If he's unable to see that, and to make this compromise, which is really a very simple compromise to make - so much so that it shouldn't even be termed a "compromise," more like a "goddamn obvious thing to do" - then that says a lot about his consideration for your feelings.

^ Unfortunately I agree with everyone else up above.

If I'm afraid to get in a relationship it's because I'm worried about something. I think something isn't right, no matter how awesome things are. Maybe there's someone else on his mind, so he feels like committing isn't right cause he's not 100% in it with you. Maybe he is 100% with only you and no one else... but something between the two of you doesn't feel right to him. I guess in my opinion that's the bottom line... if he's a nice guy then he's going to want to commit 100% to a relationship. The fact that he isn't doing that now would worry me that right now he's not 100% committed to you. Maybe, most likely, he's MOSTLY committed to you but not enough to take that jump.

I agree with everyone else I'm afraid. I couldn't say it any better but will add - it's not can't it's won't. He has a choice in that and is choosing not to. It's not a great sign.

I would be curious what he would call you if the two of you were married. Would he be willing to call you his wife? Ask him.

Hmmm...lots of great replies, thanks everyone.

FreedomRing, I see what you are saying (as well as others who posted similarly) about not settling and understanding what a title means to me, and I guess that is what I have been struggling with. The truth is that I still haven't figured that part out though. I'm really not one of those girls that NEEDS to have a boyfriend, that actively seeks commitment, or anything like that. I could never imagine myself saying to him, "well if YOU won't be my 'boyfriend' then I'll go find someone who will!" because to be honest, even I have had my times of shakiness and fear. I've been pressured by guys I was seeing to commit too fast and it felt awful. Of course, this definitely isn't too fast and his fear goes way deeper (will explain more further down), but I try my best to be understanding. So no... I don't want to settle for less, but at the same time... I'm not sure what the title means to me really - I'm truly undecided. I'm not even sure if I ever want to get married even... and if I did, I would likely elope. I'm a very laid back girl. The whole argument only has come up with us because for one... I do feel he is very special to me, and I want to recognize that somehow, and it feels only natural and fitting to call him my boyfriend. And for two, it is the easiest way to refer to him when talking to my friends. However simply knowing how much it bothers him somehow bothers me.

As for him and more background info - he says he hasn't called anyone a "girlfriend" in over 5 years, even though he has dated girls, at least one for a significant period of time that I know of. His last relationship was very painful and frustrating for him and I feel like after it ended something in him just snapped and he decided he didn't want to do it anymore. So... it isn't just me. Every other girl who attempts to get close to him has also gotten the "no girlfriend" treatment he says. But... he also says that though he can be cold (which I know), they usually leave... not him. So it isn't really that he is setting anyone up for a break up or anything like that... I think more than likely he is just protecting himself from feeling like things have to advance or change since he feels emotionally unready for that. All he seems to feel capable of is exactly what we have now. And oddly, exactly what we have now is pretty much great. So... I'm not really sure what he thinks I'm going to demand of him... but... he is just convinced that if he makes a title commitment that things will change/get worse/blow up or something. So... no title means things stay as they are now. And I can't convince him otherwise that it is "safe".

I don't really know what to do. I really do understand where he is coming from and what it feels like to be hurt and scared. I had an ex pressure me very hard to commit to the girlfriend title before I was ready just over a year ago when I was feeling very hurt and under a lot of stress (my current guy is also under a lot of stress in his life at the moment) and I caved, however I resented it and it killed my feelings fast. In my own case I was holding out because I knew I wasn't ready - not because I didn't care for the guy or because he didn't have potential or I didn't enjoy being with him.... I just felt very scared and needed baby steps. So... I do understand. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings now that I'm on the other end.

Really? Did he end up getting well?

They remained together. And have the title today... they are moving into an apartment together next month.

The situation may be a little different because my brother was with her for many years then she broke his heart and he didn't talk to her for 3 years. They slowly got back together because she realized how much she loved him and screwed up. But he wouldn't cal her his gf for like 6 months for his own security. Eventally he trusted her and came around.

And the girl I've been with for over 2 years is living in florida, she just moved... we don't have a title. She is also protecting herself from being hurt by me (so she says). You'd have to read my post "is she being cruel, or am I insane". I still love her, she still loves me. And we plan on being "together" in the future, forever.

They remained together. And have the title today... they are moving into an apartment together next month.

 

The situation may be a little different because my brother was with her for many years then she broke his heart and he didn't talk to her for 3 years. They slowly got back together because she realized how much she loved him and screwed up. But he wouldn't cal her his gf for like 6 months for his own security. Eventally he trusted her and came around.

I feel like trust has been a key issue with my guy and me... which I have steadily been trying to build up between us, as he has problems trusting just about EVERYONE, and I think it is a huge issue with him not wanting a relationship in general. I feel there has been progress, however the recent fight over the title thing has put the wall up again I fear...

And the girl I've been with for over 2 years is living in florida, she just moved... we don't have a title. She is also protecting herself from being hurt by me (so she says). You'd have to read my post "is she being cruel, or am I insane". I still love her, she still loves me. And we plan on being "together" in the future, forever.

Thanks for this and your replies curious... gives me a little hope and a look at another similar scenario at least. I did read your story and I see a lot of similarities. My guy and I, though we spent a good amount of time estranged, we do have a romantic past and have known each other for about 3+ years, so I also feel more deeply in this and there is definite love here for me. And not flowery honeymoon love... deep respect type love. I feel often that he feels the same. Even that he leans on me a bit as his closest friend, however when it comes to connecting he just has to keep his walls up. Like you describe your girl in your thread, he also gets very agitated and angry at his living situation and other situations in his life and instead of drawing closer and crying on my shoulder he may vent a bit and then become cold and distant and then shut down. He opens up to let steam out... but not to let ME in or to make himself more vulnerable - he always works hard to protect himself. And similarly, he gets frustrated and short if I am ever in a more emotional state or even show a bit of neediness (and I'm not a very needy/clingy person at all, which often makes me feel misjudged).

For as long as I've known him he seems to have had a mental block about relationships, and maybe to a certain extent about women even, as I don't think he has ever had a good relationship with a girl who has treated him well and my entire sorta-relationship with him has been an uphill battle to try and prove to him that a woman CAN treat him right. There have been plenty of times he has been pleasantly surprised too... yet I fear the moments that we argue (mostly regarding the title thing or him being cold and depressive) just reaffirm his fears. Confirmation bias.

For as long as I've known him he seems to have had a mental block about relationships, and maybe to a certain extent about women even, as I don't think he has ever had a good relationship with a girl who has treated him well and my entire sorta-relationship with him has been an uphill battle to try and prove to him that a woman CAN treat him right. There have been plenty of times he has been pleasantly surprised too... yet I fear the moments that we argue (mostly regarding the title thing or him being cold and depressive) just reaffirm his fears. Confirmation bias.

I think you knowhe is not emotionally available.

I think you knowhe is not emotionally available.

I do.

But if it were as simple as "oh, well... this guy is 'emotionally unavailable'... don't date him" and "this guy is ready to commit! date him!" then we'd all be happy.

It just isn't. Despite his unavailability in that sense, it almost seems to be his catch phrase to say, "I try".. because he does. It isn't that he flat out doesn't want me around, because he does. He isn't using me, and having the freak out over titles can make him feel on edge and cool off a little worried that he will be in a panicky place, yet he still never expresses that he wants me gone. Quite the opposite - he expresses hurt over people leaving him and never being able to understand his issues and slow pace.

But yes.... it absolutely sucks to feel in limbo and not know if or when things will improve for him emotionally. If I walk away, I prove him right that "everyone leaves", and I break my own heart. Thus far I have tried to balance things out by being sufficiently independent and focused on myself, which is generally never a problem for me - as I said before I really am not a needy partner at all. It has just gotten odd to me to be this far into a "relationship" where we can talk so much, do so much, see each other so much and yet he is "unavailable".

It's a cheap-shot technicality that most guys use when they want to get out of a situation with a woman. By refusing to sign on the dotted line and accept things as a title, they can eventually say things like, "Well, it wasn't like we were dating. I told you I didn't want a girlfriend." Because again, techincally you're not dating if there's no mutual agreement that things are exclusive between you two and women fall for this trick everytime. Sounds like the case in your scenario.

It depends on the situation... only you know what's right. Like I said with me and my girl, we arnt a title, to protect eachother... to lift the weight off her shoulders during her tough time. I respect that now. Took me a while to let the anger subside and stop the "poor me" "you don't love me" crap.

How long have you guys been dating, er, uh, seeing each other?

Have you ever talked about monogamy? Is he okay with that concept?

It does sound encouraging that you guys can have an argument and he doesn't flee. You must have worked your way past his wall a little bit.

Nixee, I have seen you post long enough around here to respect your opinions and know that you have incredible insight. I don't say comments flippantly, I promise you.

Sometimes, the most difficult answers are the easiest ones.

It sounds to me that he expects others to give to him what he needs and not to give what another person needs. It hurts him when others leave him. How has he hurt others? I worry for you because I know that there is a line.

I have a friend who seems like an eternal bachelor. He's 30, handsome, he has been a nomad - moving a lot in the past 10 years, and he's not married or in a relationship. But he has had relationships before - and long-term ones at that. IF a man at his age hasn't had one, has run from them, I say it's because there is something he has been unwilling to give up.

In not giving up a title, the commitment to not advertise himself as single, according to my male friends - the guy doesn't want to give up his shot to trade up. Crass. Simple. True.

Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. AND it doesn't mean he can't get to that point in the future. I'll go back to my friend. My friend's past long-term girlfriends had to wait a while (6 months, a year) before he committed.

The question for you to answer is to think about how long you are willing to wait.

I'm extremely commitment-phobic, and I have to say that I have experienced it as three stages.

1. Unawareness of my commitment-phobia.

2. Awareness of my commitment-phobia and getting counseling.

3. Moving past my commitment-phobia and into a relationship.

I'm at number 3, and I'm still experiencing significant psychological discomfort related to making a serious commitment. It doesn't mean I don't love my GF, and it certainly doesn't mean that I don't want to have a durable, long-term relationship with her.

You're clearly very intelligent and well stocked inside. Stop rationalising his commitment-phobia and stop comparing your previous commitment-phobia with his. Simply accept that you are in a relationship with a man who is commitment-phobic at the moment, and drop all the analysis. Acceptance the only thing that works. You might want to fight it, and you might want to help him fight it, but you can't.

So what do you do?

Commitment-phobia has several common factors, and as a regular participant on this forum, I'm sure you're well aware of the literature on commitment-phobia. I'm going to refer back to my three stage example, which could help you understand where your boyfriend's head is at the moment.

1. Unawareness. Is your boyfriend aware that he has commitment-phobia? For years I was unaware of my issues because it's so easy to rationalise. ("Oh, she wasn't right for me." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Yet, I kept trying to have a relationship.) After a string of painful failures, I realised that I was the problem.

2. Awareness. I became completely aware of my commitment-phobia after seeing a counselor. The process was neither fun nor easy, but I was finally able to accept that I had commitment-phobia when my counselor was able to help me uncover the multi-layered defence mechanisms that were, in retrospect, painfully obvious.

3. Treatment. The first part of my treatment involved learning to stop comparing actual women to my fantasies about women. My fantasies aren't real, and my fantasies aren't an actual woman. Yet, despite the obvious logic of this statement, at no point in my life had I ever stopped to think that constantly comparing a human being to a fantasy could be destructive to my happiness. Who measures up to a fantasy? The answer is, of course, no one.

I didn't want to accept this about myself. Was I really comparing women to a series of non-existent fantasies? Was it destructive to do so? Yes, and yes. With more counseling, I was able to accept that I was allowing my fantasies to control my actual life. Only then was I able to stop.

For the last few months, I've been attending two therapy sessions each week, and with some help from people on ENA, I was able to achieve a real breakthrough this week. Over the last year, I've viewed my commitment-phobia as fear-based. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of intimacy, all the typical stuff associated with commitment-phobia. But the truth is, I can live with all those realities.

What really gets to me is the pressure brought on by commitment. Even if I'm not pressured by my girlfriend (and I'm not), I still have to deal with my own internal pressures. After a lengthy therapy session yesterday afternoon, I was able to realise that I don't deal with the internal pressure because I lack the coping skills. My constant discomfort is made worse by the fact that I am very short on coping skills, and the discomfort (sometimes it's serious) is not much incentive to stay in a relationship.

So, without the necessary skills, I simply can't cope with the internal pressure that arise from being in a relationship. The pressures associated with a relationship never go away, and in my first series of posts here on ENA, I asked "how do I get comfortable?". In reality, this question was asked from the perspective of "how do I make these feelings go away?". Making the feelings "go away" is putting the cart before the horse, because the first thing I need to learn is how to cope with them so I don't go out of my mind. Once I can cope with these feelings, I will be able to address them.

Finally, you sound like a wonderful girlfriend, and I think you're doing most everything right. I sincerely hope that, if nothing else, this post gives you some peace of mind.

So... I'm not really sure what he thinks I'm going to demand of him... but... he is just convinced that if he makes a title commitment that things will change/get worse/blow up or something. So... no title means things stay as they are now. And I can't convince him otherwise that it is "safe".

Although certainly unintentional on your part, when adopt this position, you're invalidating his feelings. He believes that things WILL change once you become the "girlfriend" because things WILL change inside his head. Therefore, you can't tell him that "things won't change" because it's simply not true (for him).

You can't convince him otherwise because his fear of commitment is NOT ABOUT YOU.

Also, please don't make the mistake of equating emotional availability with commitment-phobia. They're not the same thing at all.

I don't really know what to do. I really do understand where he is coming from and what it feels like to be hurt and scared. So... I do understand. I just don't know how to deal with my own feelings now that I'm on the other end.

Here's what you can do: stay focused on yourself and don't push. He can't give you something that he doesn't have inside him.

Commitment-phobia isn't always driven by fear. It is also very often driven by *psychological discomfort*, which may or may not involve fear. If a commitment-phobe experiences constant psychological discomfort (after making a commitment) then there is almost no way they're going to be able to stay in the relationship. The discomfort has causes, but (as I outline above) the first step is learning to cope with the discomfort. Part of this involves adopting a realistic attitude, learning how to avoid catastrophising, and learning how to be psychologically tough.

The old BS about commitment-phobes being "afraid of love" and "afraid of getting hurt" is often simple BS. Lots of people are afraid of love, and many people are afraid of getting hurt. Commitment-phobes associate commitment (not just relationships) with significant psychological discomfort. As a result, we develop a set of strategies and tactics that help us manage the expectations that people and circumstances place upon us. This helps us avoid situations that will generate feelings with which we cannot cope.

Shark, good post. More so because you sound almost exactly like my girlfriend. All of what you said could have come straight from her mouth..."internal pressure," "coping skills."