Can't call me his girlfriend

[helpseeker22]

OMG I am going through the exact thing! only my guy doesn't flip out he just gently reaffirms his position so I don't think his views have changed. I never bring the matter up it's always him when someone implies we make a great couple or calls me his GF. That's when he gets uncomfortable then gives me the talk that I find upsetting! I then think who the F is he and want to tell him to stuff it but I can't because he's so loving, kind and caring.

[helpseeker22]

Whether the "relationship" feels great or not doesn't matter. The absence of a title IS an issue because it means he can up and leave at any time for any reason and not feel too bad about it. That's why people do this - it's a kind of insurance policy in the event of a future change of heart, and a way of managing your expectations downwards and limiting their own accountability should circumstances change down the road. So effectively you have one person wanting to give their all and the other person wanting to give what they feel like, when they feel like, conditional on them. Which is a lopsided relationship.

this makes sense! my guy has said he has had this talk with many girls before because in the past when he's ended it they have acted shocked. and ofcourse he then tells them, "but I told you I didn't want a GF". When I told him don't worry I won't be shocked he said, "that's what they said". lol I laugh but I'm still with him why???

[helpseeker22]

Whether the "relationship" feels great or not doesn't matter. The absence of a title IS an issue because it means he can up and leave at any time for any reason and not feel too bad about it. That's why people do this - it's a kind of insurance policy in the event of a future change of heart, and a way of managing your expectations downwards and limiting their own accountability should circumstances change down the road. So effectively you have one person wanting to give their all and the other person wanting to give what they feel like, when they feel like, conditional on them. Which is a lopsided relationship.

 

I'm extremely commitment-phobic, and I have to say that I have experienced it as three stages.

 

1. Unawareness of my commitment-phobia.

2. Awareness of my commitment-phobia and getting counseling.

3. Moving past my commitment-phobia and into a relationship.

 

I'm at number 3, and I'm still experiencing significant psychological discomfort related to making a serious commitment. It doesn't mean I don't love my GF, and it certainly doesn't mean that I don't want to have a durable, long-term relationship with her.

 

You're clearly very intelligent and well stocked inside. Stop rationalising his commitment-phobia and stop comparing your previous commitment-phobia with his. Simply accept that you are in a relationship with a man who is commitment-phobic at the moment, and drop all the analysis. Acceptance the only thing that works. You might want to fight it, and you might want to help him fight it, but you can't.

 

So what do you do?

 

Commitment-phobia has several common factors, and as a regular participant on this forum, I'm sure you're well aware of the literature on commitment-phobia. I'm going to refer back to my three stage example, which could help you understand where your boyfriend's head is at the moment.

 

1. Unawareness. Is your boyfriend aware that he has commitment-phobia? For years I was unaware of my issues because it's so easy to rationalise. ("Oh, she wasn't right for me." or "I'm not ready for a relationship." Yet, I kept trying to have a relationship.) After a string of painful failures, I realised that I was the problem.

 

2. Awareness. I became completely aware of my commitment-phobia after seeing a counselor. The process was neither fun nor easy, but I was finally able to accept that I had commitment-phobia when my counselor was able to help me uncover the multi-layered defence mechanisms that were, in retrospect, painfully obvious.

 

3. Treatment. The first part of my treatment involved learning to stop comparing actual women to my fantasies about women. My fantasies aren't real, and my fantasies aren't an actual woman. Yet, despite the obvious logic of this statement, at no point in my life had I ever stopped to think that constantly comparing a human being to a fantasy could be destructive to my happiness. Who measures up to a fantasy? The answer is, of course, no one.

 

I didn't want to accept this about myself. Was I really comparing women to a series of non-existent fantasies? Was it destructive to do so? Yes, and yes. With more counseling, I was able to accept that I was allowing my fantasies to control my actual life. Only then was I able to stop.

 

For the last few months, I've been attending two therapy sessions each week, and with some help from people on ENA, I was able to achieve a real breakthrough this week. Over the last year, I've viewed my commitment-phobia as fear-based. Afraid of getting hurt, afraid of intimacy, all the typical stuff associated with commitment-phobia. But the truth is, I can live with all those realities.

 

What really gets to me is the pressure brought on by commitment. Even if I'm not pressured by my girlfriend (and I'm not), I still have to deal with my own internal pressures. After a lengthy therapy session yesterday afternoon, I was able to realise that I don't deal with the internal pressure because I lack the coping skills. My constant discomfort is made worse by the fact that I am very short on coping skills, and the discomfort (sometimes it's serious) is not much incentive to stay in a relationship.

 

So, without the necessary skills, I simply can't cope with the internal pressure that arise from being in a relationship. The pressures associated with a relationship never go away, and in my first series of posts here on ENA, I asked "how do I get comfortable?". In reality, this question was asked from the perspective of "how do I make these feelings go away?". Making the feelings "go away" is putting the cart before the horse, because the first thing I need to learn is how to cope with them so I don't go out of my mind. Once I can cope with these feelings, I will be able to address them.

 

Finally, you sound like a wonderful girlfriend, and I think you're doing most everything right. I sincerely hope that, if nothing else, this post gives you some peace of mind.

 

This is really insightful! I really believe this fits my guy. I believe he is using the fantasy as you described. He treats me with so much love, care and respect has to be with me, takes me everywhere, to his moms which he says he never does. yet he says me and all the past women he's dated are, "not what he's looking for". from what you say this seems to be his excuse and he actually believes it. when i asked him what he's looking for? well I don't think that woman has been created! lol he's in his 40's now very handsome with a beautiful personality a catch for many women. His last date was a 25yr old model and she wasn't what he was looking for either! I believe he's a commitment phobe.

[His Woman]

When I first started dating my then-committment-phobic "boyfriend," it was the same story. He never called me his "girlfriend," but always called me his "woman." So I never made an issue of it. One year later now, and he still doesn't refer to me as his "girlfriend," I'm still his "woman," yet he talks about moving in together next Sept. when his lease is up, and even about how I've changed his plans for his future; he wants to marry me.

 

Yes, he was hurt in the past. No, I never pressured him for more, never pressured him to move faster, never pressured him for a title. I took a chance on a committment-phobe and laid back throughout our relationship, and focused on enjoying it. We connect on so many levels, always did, and it's really amazing. I wasn't about to give that up. Which is why I took the risk and remained patient.

 

Granted, not all people are the same. I realize I'm lucky to have witnessed a man do a complete 180!

 

My advice would be that you look past this. Cherish and enjoy the time you have with him, and the beautiful relationship you have. No use crying over a title. The relationship IS what it IS, and he knows it's special, all labels aside.

 

Good luck.

[Heather Dawn]

Nixie, you do realize that by refusing to call you his girlfriend or acknowledge that this is a relationship, he's left himself an easy out should he meet someone else. After all, you can't get mad at him if he never agreed that you were an actual couple...

 

This is a terrible, terrible idea. I'd get out and move on to find someone who isn't afraid to be with you in every way.