Boyfriend can't tell me why he loves me.

I see a problem with this. He wants to get married within the next couple of months and it bothers me that he doesn't really seem to know exactly why he loves me. He says because I make him happy, to which I inquire why I make him happy and he says, "because you make me happy." BUT WHY!? And what does he finally tell me? "Because you're sweet and funny." To me this isn't a substantial reason. I can safely assume I'm not the only sweet and funny person he's ever known. So what the heck is so spectacular about that? I already know that a lot of you might say that he loves me and I don't need to know why. But I feel that I should. Because if he can't tell me what it is about me that made him love me, then maybe he doesn't really love me at all. Am I crazy?

I could give him a list of a hundred reasons why I love him and all he can give me is "You're sweet and funny?" It makes me feel worthless and makes me question whether or not I've really had an impact on him at all. He may just think he loves me. Am I wrong? I need some perspective here.

Thanks for listening.

By the way, we've been dating for 2 years in October but were acquaintances for 7 years prior.

Do you want to break up this relationship? Why are you focussed on something that is not so important?

Why is it important that he says that? He doesn't know how to articulate how he feels. Does that make his love any lesser?

Do you want to break up this relationship? Why are you focussed on something that is not so important?

 

Why is it important that he says that? He doesn't know how to articulate how he feels. Does that make his love any lesser?

But it's important to me. It just is. I don't know why. It is what it is and if I could change it I would. And no, I do not want to end this relationship.

He may not be able to put it into words...he may love just the essence of you, your spirit, your aura...I wouldn't worry, he must love you if he wants to marry you! x

I was thinking the same, maybe he doesn't know how to put his feelings in words.

I think part of loving involves a feeling that you can't really explain. It's not rational. Maybe ask him what he likes about you is more concrete? Why does that make you feel worthless? Doesn't he make you FEEL loved because of this?

It's impossible for anyone else to tell you whether or not he loves you, only you can really know that, but from a practical perspective maybe you could change your approach to finding out.

I can imagine how frustrating it is from your perspective that he can't articulate the way he feels about you. But what kind of person is he? Does he talk about his feelings a lot in other aspects of life? Does he tell you how he feels when he's had a bad day, or does he just say "I've had a bad day", or something along those lines? Saying something like that is only really stating a fact and not really telling you how he feels. Some people, especially us blokes, are just not very good at talking about feelings.

However! I don't think it's fair to say to you, "just live with it", because it's obviously really bothering you, you wouldn't be here otherwise. I think your approach to asking might have something to do with it. If he feels like he's being badgered about it, especially if you've brought this up several times, then maybe he's clamming up because he's subconsciously scared of 'getting it wrong'. Maybe when you put him on the spot like that he starts desperately clawing for an answer that he thinks you want to hear, rather than what he really feels. He might want to say, "because you're hot", "you've got a nice arse", or stuff like that, but he knows that's not an answer that would make you swell with affection. Perhaps rightly so, but if he isn't a touchy-feely kind of guy then he probably struggles to put into words the reasons for his affection for you. For blokes, finding someone that is sweet, funny and attractive are pretty much the ideals!

As someone else said, if he wants to marry you, then that is an extremely good indication that he loves you. Blokes are generally not inclined toward domestication unless they are really into the person they are marrying (I know that's a generalisation). You're not fabulously weathly are you? If so, I'll marry you and give you a million reasons why.

Joking aside, how about trying something different. First of all, explain why it is important to you that he tells you the reasons he loves you. Instead of immediately jumping into the question, calmly explain to him that it hurts you not to know the reasons he loves you, because it's important to you. You could maybe be a bit more light hearted about it and ask him to tell you one reason every day for the next week, and you do the same for him. Most of all though, don't chastise him for reasons that don't necessarily fit with your romantic ideals, it will only discourage him from being more open in future. So if he does tell you that you've got a great backside, enjoy the compliment, laugh it off, and jokingly tell him you want a better reason tomorrow!

I believe this is more about your own insecurities and self esteem than about his inabilty to articulate.

I'd personally be happy with a man that loved me and wanted to marry me. Full stop. Actions speak louder than words anyway.

Kids generally love their parents, even though their parents are just like most other adults in the world. Can you imagine asking a kid, "why don't you love Billy's mom instead? She's just as sweet and funny as your mom." While adult pairings involve more choice, ultimately they're still about the same sort of imprinting.

Suppose your boyfriend had been far more articulate and detailed in what he likes about you. No matter how many things he put on the list, there would still be thousands, perhaps millions of women in the world who would share all those traits. "One in a million" doesn't mean unique when there are billions of people on the planet. Yet even so, we don't expect our spouses to run off with a stranger merely because they fit everything on the laundry list.

From what you said, he's the one pushing for marriage. Unless he's cold otherwise, odds are you know perfectly well that he loves you. This isn't about him not loving you, this is about you having doubts that you want to marry him.

I'm speaking from experience. My ex-wife pulled this one on me when she started having her affair.

I was dating a guy 10 years ago and i suspected he wasn't all that into me. I asked why he was dating me, he said because i made him happy, because i made him feel handsome, etc... none of those reasons were about me!!! eventually we broke up when i found out he was in love with his best female friend but was too chicken to ask her out.

anyways, don't know what to tell you! could be he's not good at putting things into words. have you told him why you love him?

But it's important to me. It just is. I don't know why. It is what it is and if I could change it I would. And no, I do not want to end this relationship.

But you do know why, or you cannot simply form the words to exactly say why you do. Just like he cannot form the words exactly to explain why he loves you.

He could say a million reasons why he loves you and you could easily say "There's a million girls out there that have the same attributes".

He loves you, he just does!

"Why do you love me?" is a rather awkward and broad question. Maybe just accept that he loves you and ask him what are the traits he _likes_ about you. It may just sound like a semantic difference but I think it takes some of the pressure off.

However the general line of inquiry does sound like it stems from insecurities, as DN suggested.

If you have doubts about the viability of the relationship, you might want to consider premarital counseling (many pastors/rabbis etc offer for free) or at least going over a standard list of issues to discuss before marriage. I don't have a link offhand (writing from my cell phone) but I've seen these lists before and they generally seem very reasonable/important.

So one thing you DON'T love about your guy is that he's not verbally creative enough to be convincing.

Does this weigh more than all the things you do love about him?

Nobody here can answer that for you, and there is no 'wrong' answer.

If the answer is "Yes, being articulate and convincing are the most important qualities to me--and he doesn't have those,' then that's your answer. The only thing you need to do it to stop torturing yourself by hiding your own answer from your Self.

Either accept BF for all you love about him, or let him go so you can find yourself a guy who stimulates you with his speaking ability.

What else can you expect anyone else here to suggest?

This doesn't mean it's not love. Some men can't express their feelings well. Some people can't really explain it. I love my fiancé, but honestly I have a hard time explaining way. I feel like no words I use give justice to how much I really love him. It's about how he feels, not what he can express.

With my ex-bf's, I've asked the same things.. why do you love me? what is so special about me? And however they would answer, I found myself thinking the way you are - it's not good enough or that's not who I really am. I've realized that it doesn't matter what someone sees in you because you will never see it in yourself. You will either disagree with them or think it's not enough. But it's not your job to decide whether a reason someone gives you is good enough or not. I asked the current guy I'm seeing why he was still with me, and he said "It doesn't matter why I'm still with you. What matters is that I am." Those words could not ring more true in my mind. It doesn't matter what sets him apart from others or what I love about him. What matters is that I love him. Period. He will never see himself the way I see him and vice versa. It's not my place to think he doesn't know me well enough or he doesn't have a good enough reason. He wants to know me, I want to know him, and we have the rest of our lives to explore each other.

Am I crazy?

Yes, a little. He's told you that you're sweet and funny. When you are secure, this is good enough. When you are not secure, you need a laundry list.

If you could tell him the reasons you love him, then do. Tell him all of them. Write them down. I bet you if you did this, and asked him to share some things that he might love about you, he'll use some of the same words for you. Basically, I just don't think he has the words. But if you present him with a ton of options, he can pick out the words that he feels apply to you. If you really love him, you won't pressure him but just offer him another way to express himself to you.

But it's important to me. It just is. I don't know why. It is what it is and if I could change it I would. And no, I do not want to end this relationship.

If you don't want it to end, you need to change your perception. This is only as important as you make it. Quit being dramatic and be happy that someone loves you and wants to marry you. And respect the fact that not everyone can express themselves they way that you want them to.