Boyfriend saw me with another guy & is mad at me.

Hey guys, just wanted some perception on this problem I'm currently facing.

My boyfriend told me that he'll land in Singapore on the 20th of July, which is this Friday. On Monday night, I went to meet my friend (a guy) for dinner. We were in this place called Little India & there were loads of Indians there... not to be racist or anything, but they were staring me up and down like crazy. I got scared when one of them came up to me and asked if he could take a photo of me - so I held onto my friend's arm for protection throughout the way to get dinner.

And guess who I walked past? My boyfriend & his friend. I swear I didn't see him, I just glanced but I didn't take much notice of him 'cos I'm used to people staring at me, I thought he was just some guy staring at me. Little did I know that he's my boyfriend. I just don't look/notice guys when I'm out... especially since 'cos I've a boyfriend. I just don't bother looking twice at guys.

Then my boyfriend messaged me asking me where am I, did I go out with this guy he saw me with. I said no... (stupid, I know) because I was afraid he'd get mad at me or leave me. I lied. He asked twice, I lied twice until the third time I finally told him yes, I did go out with this guy. He is now mad at me 'cos I went out with this guy, I was holding onto his arm & because I walked off and didn't come up to him.

1) I went out with this guy as friends, nothing more. I didn't cheat on my boyfriend, I didn't even kiss this guy.

2) I was holding onto his arm for protection, especially after that Indian guy asked for a photo to be taken, I just got too scared. I'd hold onto any friend regardless of gender.

3) I walked off and didn't go up to him because I didn't know that he saw me & I didn't see him!

He told me he came back to Singapore earlier just to see me and surprise me. But now he is mad at me... and refuses to meet me & call me. He don't have a cell yet & he refuses to give me his address.... so I've no way of meeting him. He does message me online daily still... but he's still mad. He told me he'd be at Clarke Quay last night, I went to look for him but couldn't find him 'cos he went home before I reached Clarke Quay. His brother tells me I should give him sometime... & I should not repeat my mistake.

What'd I do now? I've been worrying about this since Monday night & didn't sleep on Monday. Thinking about this on Tuesday and today.... wishing & hoping he'd call me & meet me... but no avail. He's just too mad at me....

Someone advice me please? Any advice will be appreciated. I hate sleeping on my problems/arguments... I hate arguing.

It sounds like in general he doesn't trust you which is not a basis for a healthy relationship, and since you lied it only reinforces his general lack of mistrust. It sounds completely reasonable that you would grab someone's - anyone's arm - for protection but since you lied to him it is also reasonable that he'd doubt the rest of your explanation. On top of all of that, however, since he assumes you are romantically "with" someone just because you're holding his arm I doubt he has any foundation of trust in you and I would view that as a red flag particularly since you've only known him in person a very short time.

The problem is that you unintentionally implicated yourself in a cheating situation. That isn't an accusation, and you know you were innocent, but you were conducting yourself in a way that LOOKED like cheating, and you compounded it by lying. As was just said, your boyfriend KNEW you were lying, and now he is wondering what else you are lying about.

Your story sounds believable, but also a bit far fetched. I'm not sure whether he had due reason to already mistrust you, but this unfortunate incident doesn't help matters.

I can imagine he is especially hurt if he flew in early to spend more time with you, and by arriving early, he thinks he caught you with your hand in the cookie jar. If he runs with this, he may think you have guys on the side who you are with right up until the moment he was due to arrive, and he probably wonders what else happened.

I don't know if there is a lot you can do besides do your best to wait it out. The only thing you can do in the future is not lie.

On top of all of that, however, since he assumes you are romantically "with" someone just because you're holding his arm I doubt he has any foundation of trust in you and I would view that as a red flag particularly since you've only known him in person a very short time.

Batya,

I don't really understand how is this *his* problem now. She is out with another guy, holding his hand and lying to her bf about it? Come on...I understand for some girls is lying the same as saying "hi" but guy has every right to be mad. For God sake, she lied twice.

Rebecca,

If I was your boyfriend, it would be "goodbye" from me for always. Let him cool down and process the situation. If he comes back, it's ok, but if he does not, at least you will learn what lies do to relationships.

Well, honestly..he has every mad to be mad, How would you feel if you saw your boyfriend out and some girl was holding on to his arm? ..and then he denied it.

And the fact you lied about hanging out with this friend, makes it seem as if you are hiding something. I would just give it a few days and let him cool off, and try to explain yourself. But I doubt he will believe you. You really should have been honest to begin with, but you can't change that.

good luck

Batya,

 

I don't really understand how is this *his* problem now. She is out with another guy, holding his hand and lying to her bf about it? Come on...I understand for some girls is lying the same as saying "hi" but guy has every right to be mad. For God sake, she lied twice.

 

Rebecca,

 

If I was your boyfriend, it would be "goodbye" from me for always. Let him cool down and process the situation. If he comes back, it's ok, but if he does not, at least you will learn what lies do to relationships.

I have to agree with Pegasus. The odds stacked up to she must be cheating with this guy or she would not have lied, twice.

If that were me in his shoes, I'd feel the same way given the circumstance. If my guy lied about being out with another girl, twice, and i saw him with my own eyes out iwth her and holding onto her arm, i'd be so mad I couldn't see straight.

In this case, the visuals corraberate the cheating her b/f thinks she is doing.

Thanks for all the replies.

The reason why I lied twice is because he really, really hates this guy for some apparent reason & thinks that he likes me vice versa. We're friends & nothing more I don't get why my boyfriend can't see that. I'll never leave my boyfriend for anyone & he knows that.... he knows that I lied 'cos I'm afraid of losing him.

Now he's torturing me by making me wait and not meeting me. I just can't stand sleeping on problems but have done so for the past two nights. Its really hard thinking & thinking about it all night & day. He thinks that I cheated on him. I didn't! That is just wrong, to assume that I cheated based on this incident. I don't know what else to do.... his brother says to let him simmer down & give it sometime. I can't stand this though... I know its my fault.

several separate issues...

first, holding onto a guy's arm is not about protection... he can better defend you if you aren't hanging onto him, so if there is a real threat involved, don't do that again. also, if you are so fearful about situations on the street, then you need to take a self defense course and learn how to protect yourself.

next, what are the odds your boyfriend was actually in the same place at the same time to see this? wouldn't have have also seen the guys approaching you and believe your story? i think more likely he had you followed because he was suspicious, by someone else who witnessed this, someone you didn't know and didn't recognize.

third, you hardly know this guy... you went in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with him after only 2 weeks... so he has reason not to explicitly trust you, and you him. And you looked right at him and didn't recognize him? that means you don't know him well enough to be his girlfriend, if it was indeed him and not someone he had following you.

fourth, why is your first response to an 'innocent' dinner to lie? if you have to lie to him about an innocent dinner, you don't have a real relationship with any trust, or maybe the dinner is not as innocent as you claim, to yourself or him...

so i think this episode just shows that (a) you depend too much on guys, so get some self defense training, (b) you and your boyfriend don't trust each other enough to be in a relationship, © you and your boyfriend don't really know each other enough to be in a relationship.

so i think if you've fully explained yourself to him and it's the truth, and he doesn't want to talk to you, then you might just want to let him go. then learn to protect yourself and not be so timid that you 'need' a man and have to hang onto one to feel better, and also spend more time getting to know men before declaring them your boyfriend. a relationship is built on time and trust, not just declaring someone your boyfriend. get too involved too soon, and these kinds of things happen...

hi rebecca - how would you feel if you were in his shoes? say you were driving in a car one day, and you saw him and another girl walking around holding hands/arms. and then you asked him what he did last night, and he said, nothing he was at home the whole night. i think you would be pretty furious. I remember with branko, you accused him of cheating, with far less evidence than your current boyfriend has seen.

My question to you is "why did you lie?" my guess is that you didn't tell him that you'd be out to dinner with a friend because you thought that it would upset him. but i think that the lying has upset him more. i think the fact that you hid this outing with your friend from him is very telling.

so, what to do now? I think all you can do is explain yourself, and promise to be more transparent in the future.

i agree completely! yes, I don't see that you were really being "threatened" by the indians at the restaurant. and don't see why you need to be hanging onto his arm. I would also suggest a self-defense course, or carrying around pepper spray or whatever is legal in your country if you come accross a bad situation.

And yeah, i was thinking about what were the odds that he would have flown in early and seen her walking on the street - in Singapore!!! I've never been there, but it seems like a very busy place. I think it's more likely he had you followed.

I didn't looked right at him, I didn't even really see him. Just at the corner of my eye & for one second. I only know - there are two white guys standing there. Didn't even see his face. & no... he was not following me, he does not know where I was intending to go on that night.

What'd you mean I only know him 2 weeks? I know him longer than that. & we've been together for 2 months now. I don't understand that point.

i agree completely! yes, I don't see that you were really being "threatened" by the indians at the restaurant. and don't see why you need to be hanging onto his arm. I would also suggest a self-defense course, or carrying around pepper spray or whatever is legal in your country if you come accross a bad situation.

 

And yeah, i was thinking about what were the odds that he would have flown in early and seen her walking on the street - in Singapore!!! I've never been there, but it seems like a very busy place. I think it's more likely he had you followed.

Nono! We weren't at a restuarant when I was holding his arm. We were walking down a street.

He didn't follow me.... it was pure coincidence as the two white guys walked out of a store just as i walked past. He wasn't behind me or anything.

Thanks for all the replies.

 

The reason why I lied twice is because he really, really hates this guy for some apparent reason & thinks that he likes me vice versa. We're friends & nothing more I don't get why my boyfriend can't see that.

Just my opinion....If I knew that my boyfriend didn't like, hated, a guy friend of mine, I wouldn't got to dinner with that guy friend out of respect for my boyfriend. And I would expect the same from him.

Yes, lying only made it worse. I understand you didn't want to make him mad, but still.

Apologize, tell him the absolute truth, then be done with it. He'll either let it go or he won't.

Good luck sweetie!

amtjrtcet - Okay... I won't go out with this guy anymore then. He was truly just a friend. He said he'll never leave me.... so its just the waiting it out that sucks. Thanks hun.

amtjrtcet - Okay... I won't go out with this guy anymore then. He was truly just a friend. He said he'll never leave me.... so its just the waiting it out that sucks. Thanks hun.

 

When my ex and I would fight he'd give me the silent treatment. Nothing worse! The first few yrs I'd cry, beg him to talk to me, call him constantly.....then I realized a couple things.

 

1) He honestly needed the time to cool off before we could talk. Sometimes it would be a few days, sometimes a few hours.

 

2) He knew it drove me crazy, which made him do it even more.

 

So I gave him his space, and when he was ready...we'd talk.

 

It'll be ok hun, just give him a few days.

amtjrtcet - Yeah... its driving me crazy right now. I know he needs time to cool down but thing is, I've not seen him for 40++ days!! Since 31st May.... its driving me crazy 'cos I can't see him when he's in Singapore right now cos of a stupid argument & its different from waiting for him when he's in USA. Its been 2 days now.... & it sucks.

xoxo

While I agree with Pegasus, Batya has a point also. It's likely that the boyfriend isn't too secure in the first place... but that's understandable when you go out with a girl that attracts a lot of attention.

Anyhow, I think Rebecca realises that she messed up

That's quite... an unfortunate string of events Rebecca. But what to do now...

Well, waiting could be beneficial. Since, really, you haven't got many choices at the moment anyway.

... Personally, if it were me, and the person was very important to me, I'd be trying very very hard to contact them through any means possible. If I did manage to get some time alone with them, I'd try VERY hard to rectify this whole mess with utmost sincerity. Emphasis on that last part. I'd make sure they knew that I was in the wrong entirely, but that it was really not what it seemed like.

Even if it is the truth, it does sound like it could simply be an elaborate tale. If you two come out of this, the trust here may be permanently damaged.

Like the other fellas said, if I had this happen to myself/my girlfriend, there would be no second chances... ouch

For what it's worth, I hope things work out for you somehow Rebecca

amtjrtcet - Yeah... its driving me crazy right now. I know he needs time to cool down but thing is, I've not seen him for 40++ days!! Since 31st May.... its driving me crazy 'cos I can't see him when he's in Singapore right now cos of a stupid argument & its different from waiting for him when he's in USA. Its been 2 days now.... & it sucks.

 

xoxo

Well...he haven't seen you for the same amount of time and wanted to supprise you but he got supprised. You said it was a "stupid argument" which just shows that you don't really understand what you did. On another note, you're 18 so you do have a lot of growing to do to learn that lieing is a big deal.

Well...he haven't seen you for the same amount of time and wanted to supprise you but he got supprised. You said it was a "stupid argument" which just shows that you don't really understand what you did. On another note, you're 18 so you do have a lot of growing to do to learn that lieing is a big deal.

I think she understands what she did, but she also knows she didn't have any bad intentions. Her boyfriend's not so sure about that. So to her its silly. To him, its a big deal.

Slagar - Yes, I realized that I messed up big time. Believe me, I tried my utmost best to get his address.... I even asked one of my friends who work at the same base as he is to get his address but it needs a password so I can't get it. His number and address is not disclosed. That's why I tried looking for him at Clarke Quay (a place)... but I can't find him.

Thanks..

I think she understands what she did, but she also knows she didn't have any bad intentions. Her boyfriend's not so sure about that. So to her its silly. To him, its a big deal.

Ever heard of 'The road to hell is paved with good intentions.'? I still am not sure anything good can ever come out of lieing.

I think she understands what she did, but she also knows she didn't have any bad intentions. Her boyfriend's not so sure about that. So to her its silly. To him, its a big deal.

Yes... its silly because I didn't cheat on him or do anything major. & its silly 'cos I've not seen him for a long time & to not meet me its driving me crazy. YES he thinks its a big deal.... & still is mad at me.

Yes... its silly because I didn't cheat on him or do anything major. & its silly 'cos I've not seen him for a long time & to not meet me its driving me crazy. YES he thinks its a big deal.... & still is mad at me.

to be fair, he DID see you holding another man's arm walking down the street, and you denied it. you accused branko of cheating, and the only evidence you had was gossip from his scummy friend.

annie24 - I denied going out with the guy. I didn't deny holding his arm. He asked if I went out with him, that's all he asked. I didn't deny anything else except that... & I told him the truth after.

I do agree with BeStrong though, I have visited S'pore many times, and being oriental myself, I've had stares in Little India - but nothing to make me need protection!! Maybe you felt intimidated because the men were looking at you in a "certain way". But be strong next time - you don't need a man to support you all the time! Esp when S'pore is quite a legally strong place.

Anyway, I think your best bet is to wait it out until he calms down, and then try and contact him as best as you can and explain the situation, and perhaps let him know that you were wrong to see it as a small deal, or to lie to him, and that you realise that it came off bad. Won't happen again.

I also think you need to let him know that because you knew he didn't like your friend you didn't tell him about your meet-up, with wrong intentions. After all you had every right to meet your friend, but when you didn't tell your bf about him, you were protecting him from being upset, but it all went pear-shaped when he saw you in the street.

A few questions worth thinking about:

- Do you value your bf's opinions re: your male friend?

- Does your male friend like you? How do you feel about his feelings towards you, regardless of how you feel?

- Why didn't your bf call you if he saw you on the street? Is he trying to make you feel bad? If I saw my bf walking arm in arm with a girl, I'd naturally call out to him.

- If your bf knows you and knows that you are a genuine person, who's made a bit of a fluff-up, it would be a bad sign for him to rehash the guilt and carry on blanking you for longer than necessary.