Boyfriend saw me with another guy & is mad at me.

[Rabican]

this thread is just too long... 11 pages so Im just going to reply based on the original post.

 

Id be mad too. You went out with a guy, and didnt tell him about it. He saw you in a semi compromising situation arm and arm with said guy... at the same time that you thought he was out of town. Then you lied about it twice!

 

So to him it looks like this:

 

I go out of town, my girl hooks up with another guy, and is shocked to see me home early. She lies to my face about it, which further proves she cheated... if it was innocent she would have told me everything up front.

 

So the only thing you (or anyone else in this situation) can do is to try and explain what happened. Either he buys it or he doesnt. Next time be honest, and if you are going out on a 'date' with a guy friend make sure your guy knows about it so he doesnt jump to conclusions.

[tiredofvampires]

I haven't read all the posts yet, and I think you are well served by those who are in the majority opinion here. I am the Black Sheep on this issue, so what it's worth, hun, here is my feeling about it. This is entirely based on my own personal value system, and many do not share it:

 

Your mistake was one and only one thing: lying. I understand why you did it. I made similar mistakes with my ex, because I was afraid of losing him. I didn't lie, EVER -- but I kept a couple of things about male friends of mine from him because he was very insecure and I planned on telling him about them (JUST friends) when there was more trust in the relationship. I have searched my soul and believe that I had a right to these friends since they were nothing more. I never would have cheated on him, he was the love of my life and just wanted him to make me feel trustworthy, since I WAS trustworthy. Since he couldn't deal, I started to try to censor some of the things I told him, which was not about my dishonesty, but his lack of confidence in us, which was irrational. I have a pretty sterling integrity compared to some and I thought he would understand and appreciate that.

 

So there it is, you lied and so created suspcion. This is something you should learn from this situation: when you are confronted to tell the truth, TELL THE TRUTH because later the lie is very likely to backfire and make it even worse. You lose all the ground of trust you were trying to build.

 

I see this as, you have to come clean by telling him you were just afraid, so you lied and you will not do that again, you will be upfront with him.

 

However, from there on, I depart with the others here. I believe you have a right to have dinner with a friend, even a friend he doesn't like. It's YOUR friend. People here have told me I'm selfish to say this, but I would give my bf the right to hang with some woman I don't like, so long as she is not going in with an "agenda" and wanting to seduce him away from me. There ARE ways to tell this sort of things, from your partner's way of talking about the person, to the way you feel with your partner in his devotion to YOU. I want him to be able to make his own choices and have freewill, and to be given the same, until proven there is guilt.

 

So you should be able to go out to dinner with this guy (knowing you don't like him as more than a friend), have an impulse to grab his arm, and then be able to tell your bf in the broad daylight about the whole incident, and he would be happy you had a nice dinner but sorry you had to endure a creep on the street. That is the kind of guy I'd want, anyway. No lies needed, no fear injected, no having to cover up. Just the simple, clean, pure truth with nothing to hide.

 

Now it is very suspect to be on the arm on another man. This is a very unfortunate set of coincidences, assuming you've told the whole story honestly to us. But since it was just a bunch of misunderstandings, let him cool off and explain it all, and reinforce just how much you feel your lies were wrong but that they stemmed from knowing he doesn't like this guy and you were just scared of what he'd think.

 

I, too, felt wrongly accused at the end my my relationship (not that yours is ending). I knew in my heart that I was INNOCENT, LOYAL and DEVOTED. It was all his perception after that which I couldn't change. He then told me to stop hanging with this guy who I knew was no threat to our relationship. I wanted my bf so badly, but he put me up to an ultimatum. I knew I would not respect myself to just give up this valuable friendship for him. So I guess you could say, I sacrificed my bf for my principles. Though I have been grieving now for 1 year after he cut me off.

 

I think if you want your bf more than this friend or simply the idea that you should not be scared to have friends, then by all means, you should give the friend up as a sacrifice. And bless you for your choice. He will come around if you are honest and give up the friend, don't worry. Take care, it will be okay.

[annie24]

hey tired - actually, I agree with you. I don't think you should let go of your opposite sex friends when you enter a new relationship. absolutely not, and she should be able to go out to dinner with a friend. And I agree with not lying. If you aren't doing anything wrong, then there is no reason to lie.

 

however, read the thread. this guy just "happened" to come into town early to "surprise her", but then just "happens" to see her walking down the street in little India, an uncommon part of town where non-indians typically do not go, and he just "happens" to be walking by at that time? I think she was being stalked.

[Kimber038]

I have been lied to and know it hurts and especially would hurt more if I saw my guy with another girl, so ask yourself this question, If you saw your b/f with another woman arm to arm going into a resturant, what would you think and how would you react?

[tiredofvampires]

however, read the thread. this guy just "happened" to come into town early to "surprise her", but then just "happens" to see her walking down the street in little India, an uncommon part of town where non-indians typically do not go, and he just "happens" to be walking by at that time? I think she was being stalked.

 

Yeah, that is pretty weird, I did read about this "surprise" (I would think he'd make a bee-line for her instead of going out to little India with some other guy [friend?]). If he is stalking her, then I actually think that is SUCH a red flag, then she needs to get the heck out of this relationship no matter what white lies she told and how upset he is. Stalking is psycho, and being psycho is a beyond red flag. But she'd have to first be absolutely sure this was a case of stalking, and not some HUGE, WEIRD coincidence. Such strange things do happen.

[tiredofvampires]

I've just caught up a little in the thread --

 

Is this the same guy from the Balkans you were with a few months back? Or a different guy?

 

If this guy has been spying on you AT ALL, it's a kind of sicko thing and I repeat what I said above, but more firmly. That's creepy and has nothing to do with love.

[annie24]

I've just caught up a little in the thread --

 

Is this the same guy from the Balkans you were with a few months back? Or a different guy?

 

If this guy has been spying on you AT ALL, it's a kind of sicko thing and I repeat what I said above, but more firmly. That's creepy and has nothing to do with love.

 

it's a dfferent guy, new guy.

[JadedStar]

they have met in person many times. He lives in singapore, as does she.

 

Thank you Annie. I was not sure and didn't want to read thru all 12 pages or so to see...

 

that is a relief. If she had never met this guy (a couple responses suggested this might be the case) that would really be bad.

 

But even tho she has it is not sounding that much better.

 

Rebecca, even if you two patch this up, I fear he is following you and has a creepy bent to his personality. Just be careful. Okay?