Boyfriend saw me with another guy & is mad at me.

[Siriana]

In that case Rebecca you need to ask yourself a simple question:

If you two continue to have such huge trust issues (I hope you agree these are trust issues) for how long are you capable of tolerating that and can you be in such relationship forever?

[RebeccaChow]

I agree with Jadedstar. Sounds like the advice is characterized as "shooting down" when it's something she does not want to hear. I believe the OP that she was afraid and grabbed this person's arm, but given the discrepancies in her other posts about how long she has known this person and the discrepancies in this post -- pointed out by others, not by me -- as to what she told this man, what she didn't, etc. my advice remains that she needs to work on the way she communicates because if the way she portrays facts on this board is anything like the way she communicates with her bf or any friend I can see where there might be trust issues. That's not shooting her down, that's giving feedback and advice based on observations.

 

I did not categorize shooting down when it is something I do not want to hear. I categorize asking questions constantly saying that I'm lying, something is missing, telling me that he shouldn't be my bf, this and that as shooting down.

[RebeccaChow]

In that case Rebecca you need to ask yourself a simple question:

If you two continue to have such huge trust issues (I hope you agree these are trust issues) for how long are you capable of tolerating that and can you be in such relationship forever?

 

Yes, I wish to continue despite the trust issues. I know there is... it is because of something that I've done during our relationship thus making him not trust me much. I'm trying to straighten it out right now since he is in Singapore, it was hard to straighten it out when he was in the US.

[p_fred]

Just be honest to your boyfriend next time you see him. Tell him the same thing you are telling us.

 

1) You are sorry for lying to him on the phone

 

2) Your friend invited you out to dinner and you were hungry

 

3) You do not have any romantic interests in your friend

 

That is all he need to know. Re-enforce these points and forget about the rest, no excuses just the truth. Excuses are just that... excuses

 

Keep it simple.

 

Then give him a big kiss and grab his butt next time you see him... lol

[RebeccaChow]

Just be honest to your boyfriend next time you see him. Tell him the same thing you are telling us.

 

1) You are sorry for lying to him on the phone

 

2) Your friend invited you out to dinner and you were hungry

 

3) You do not have any romantic interests in your friend

 

That is all he need to know. Re-enforce these points and forget about the rest, no excuses just the truth. Excuses are just that... excuses

 

I've been telling him constantly that I'm sorry, I think more than 50 times now. Thanks for the advice.

 

Then give him a big kiss and grab his butt next time you see him... lol

 

Classic. Lol.

[Batya33]

I did not categorize shooting down when it is something I do not want to hear. I categorize asking questions constantly saying that I'm lying, something is missing, telling me that he shouldn't be my bf, this and that as shooting down.

 

Yes, but that is taken out of context. Input about the discrepancies in your posts and past posts might help you evaluate whether your communication to this man is increasing his mistrust of you.

[TheFoglifter]

... really should visit Little India, I'll applaud you if you're not scared"

 

This must have been one hell of a restaurant, because you have clearly explained that you chose it knowing that your personal safety may have been in danger. If its so dangerous though, one dude is not going to be much help.

 

... asking questions constantly saying that I'm lying"

 

Your boyfriend knew you were lying, and after he asked you enough times, the truth came out. The thing about being caught in a lie is that the victim thinks "well if she is lying about this, what ELSE is she lying about". Perhaps some of us here believe that if we press you enough, the "truth" will come out.

 

I'm not saying that is the case, but if you TRULY understand your bf's feelings as you claim, then you can't dispute the logic behind the behavior of people here.

 

... don't think you were giving me any advice, you're only questioning me and shooting at me all the time instead of hearing me out or advicing me."

 

To summarize the advice you have been given:

 

- Don't lie, it only breeds mistrust.

- Give your boyfriend space to cool down.

- Don't implicate yourself in cheating situations.

 

There, now you can stop saying "I'm not getting advice", because you are.

 

... me that he shouldn't be my bf"

 

I wasn't a part of the other thread, but I think some people are getting upset because they tried to help you see the signs that something like this would happen, and you didn't take the advice, and now you are in the situation again. Perhaps some of us here take this advising role too personally, and really feel for the people we try to help.

 

But on the other hand, its frustrating to keep telling someone "he's bad for you, he's bad for you, he's bad for you, he's bad for you" and then have that person constantly crying to you about how bad he is. Its like "we KNOW, so leave him already!"

 

Perhaps at this point though, if you've told him literally 50 times that you are sorry, its time to stop telling and start SHOWING.

[RebeccaChow]

No, Little India is a place, not a restuarant.

 

What I meant by lying is, lying about my story, saying I'm not telling the truth about the story. Not that I'm lying to my boyfriend, DUH!

 

I'm getting advice, but more of questions really.

 

No, I'm not going on and on about how bad he is, I'm just stating this problem we currently are facing. I didn't even say he's a bad person! When did I? I can't show if he refuses to contact me, I can't contact him 'cos he has a new number & isn't giving it to me 'cos he's mad at me.

[Mavis VDSande]

... really should visit Little India, I'll applaud you if you're not scared"

 

This must have been one hell of a restaurant, because you have clearly explained that you chose it knowing that your personal safety may have been in danger. If its so dangerous though, one dude is not going to be much help.

 

I have to agree here - sorry. I have family in S'pore, and I have visited Little India many times, on my own, at night. It's not the Indians that try and grope you, I think it's just the type of men that happen to be there. I am quite upset that you think that this area breeds this kind of unpleasantness. I actually really like this part of town. If you don't like it your friend should have chosen a different place altogether.

 

You shouldn't be scared of making your own decisions and directing your future with your friends and your bf. Just because they are men, it doesn't mean they are looking out for you, or that they are right all the time. You need to have faith in your own strength too, and not feel that posters here are having a go at you.

 

Everyone is giving you advice here, it may be upsetting to read that people are speaking of your past posts, and your past threads - but that's because you are like family on eNA, you have history here and people are very concerned for you!!

 

You have lots to think about, everyone's made valid points - I know you don't intend on ending things with your bf, but what happened was generally an easy mistake - misunderstanding.

 

There is no point in trying to gloss the situation anymore (i.e. saying Little India is super-scary), your bf was just mistaken, and you made matters worse even though you had the best of intentions.

 

Give it time and understand that it is your bf's decision to make now, and you must show him that you can be trusted from now on.

[RebeccaChow]

I have to agree here - sorry. I have family in S'pore, and I have visited Little India many times, on my own, at night. It's not the Indians that try and grope you, I think it's just the type of men that happen to be there. I am quite upset that you think that this area breeds this kind of unpleasantness. I actually really like this part of town. If you don't like it your friend should have chosen a different place altogether.

Precisely, the men there are really weird up. Indians, Bangladeshis... & I don't know what other race but they're all weird. One tried taking a photo of me, he even asked me! I didn't choose this place to eat, my friend wanted to go to the famous Indian restuarant that was situated there & we were close by that area.

 

You shouldn't be scared of making your own decisions and directing your future with your friends and your bf. Just because they are men, it doesn't mean they are looking out for you, or that they are right all the time. You need to have faith in your own strength too, and not feel that posters here are having a go at you.

I'm not saying they're right all the time. Okay... but some of them are, really!

 

Everyone is giving you advice here, it may be upsetting to read that people are speaking of your past posts, and your past threads - but that's because you are like family on eNA, you have history here and people are very concerned for you!!

Some are, some aren't. I know everyone is concerned and I appreciate the many replies despite the short time I've posted it up. But I really don't like talking about my ex & my past... just don't like digging up on the past.

 

You have lots to think about, everyone's made valid points - I know you don't intend on ending things with your bf, but what happened was generally an easy mistake - misunderstanding.

 

There is no point in trying to gloss the situation anymore (i.e. saying Little India is super-scary), your bf was just mistaken, and you made matters worse even though you had the best of intentions.

 

Give it time and understand that it is your bf's decision to make now, and you must show him that you can be trusted from now on.

 

Okay... I will try my best. Thank you.

[TheFoglifter]

... Little India is a place, not a restuarant."

 

I'm fully aware of the difference. What you said was "but we really wanted to go to this restaurant". What I said very clearly was that restaurant must have been something special for you to venture into an area you knew was unsafe.

 

... I meant by lying is, lying about my story, saying I'm not telling the truth about the story. Not that I'm lying to my boyfriend, DUH!"

 

Your immaturity is summed up perfectly in this statement. "But honey, I only lied about going out with the guy, everything else is the truth!" Well how does he know?

 

That is how lies work! They are intended by the liar to be believed as truth. But once one of them is unraveled, the rest of them become subject to the same scrutiny. Duh!

 

... I'm not going on and on about how bad he is, I'm just stating this problem we currently are facing. I didn't even say he's a bad person!"

 

The point is that people who are getting frustrated with you are frustrated because they warned you about these issues, you went ahead anyway, and now are having to deal with these issues. Perhaps some of them feel that if you didn't follow their advice the first time, you won't follow it the second time.

 

The only option I see at this point is to wait it out. I'm sure you have a revision for how you can tell him you are sorry 50 times if he refuses to contact you (I think you mentioned IM) but then you DO have a way to contact him, at least when he is online, which he must be, because you told him sorry 50 times.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think it's wrong to go out with another man and behave that way if you in a serious relationship. But you are just 18 and have only recently started dating your boyfriend.

 

If you two decide to have a true relationship, you really have to learn to behave differently. And you cannot have a good relationship if you lie to your partner. That is always wrong.

 

I think you were in the wrong and your boyfriend has every right to mistrust you now. I would expect this to go downhill.

[Mavis VDSande]

OK I think I know which Indian restaurant you mean!!

 

Just remember how easily the situation can be read from all different perspectives and if you want to let things work with your bf, actively ask him what kind of behaviour upsets him - whether it was not telling him you were meeting your friend, or just seeing you holding a guys arm (cos that could just be friendly).

 

Ultimately you both need to see eye to eye on these issues. There is really no point in continuing if you don't.

[Mavis VDSande]

But I really don't like talking about my ex & my past... just don't like digging up on the past.

 

Even though it's painful we sometimes have to review our past in order to understand our actions & behaviour in the present.

[MadlyDeeply]

Precisely, the men there are really weird up. Indians, Bangladeshis... & I don't know what other race but they're all weird. .

 

 

As an Indian man (a professional, and very educated), I find this to be offensive and racist. Good God, her immaturity level is sad. I think with each comment she makes, she digs herself a little deeper.

[RebeccaChow]

As an Indian man (a professional, and very educated), I find this to be offensive and racist. Good God, her immaturity level is sad. I think with each comment she makes, she digs herself a little deeper.

 

I'm talking about the Indians lurking in Little India. No offence, like I said, I'm not being racist.

[99gagt]

I am not going to read through all 10 pages, but your a liar, you lied, I would tell you to pound sand if I was this guy (he may have since the OP) I don't give skirts another chance when it comes to lying, especially when it comes out your a cheat... because thats what it looks like to me.

 

I'm blunt, but it's the truth... you need to look at yourself before you get into another relationship.

[TheFoglifter]

... talking about the Indians lurking in Little India. No offence, like I said, I'm not being racist."

 

You're only referring to the ones who AREN'T here to defend themselves.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think you are just making excuses to yourself about the reason for hanging onto a guy like this. Probably not a good thing to do. Part of growing up is learning to accept that you have done wrong. You have to admit it to yourself. I mean, seriously, what good did clinging all over this man do? Not a bit. It wasn't necessary.

[beauty21]

I think you were wrong for going out with someone that your boyfriend dislikes, and it's wrong because you know that this guy has feelings for you. Your boyfriend has every right to be upset with you. Why didn't you run after him, after you noticed that was him that walked past you? To him, he felt humiliated. You are supposed to be his girlfriend, but you see him on the street while you are out with a guy friend and act like you don't know him. I'm still wondering why your bf didn't say anything to you. Any chance he may be scared of this guy?

 

Anyway, now you know that lying is never the solution. Especially, when he actually saw you with his own two eyes. You set yourself up for failure on that one. Just be cool though. Wait for him to cool off, and see what he wants to do from here. But in the future, just be honest cause people respect you alot more when you tell the truth.

[RebeccaChow]

I am not going to read through all 10 pages, but your a liar, you lied, I would tell you to pound sand if I was this guy (he may have since the OP) I don't give skirts another chance when it comes to lying, especially when it comes out your a cheat... because thats what it looks like to me.

 

I'm blunt, but it's the truth... you need to look at yourself before you get into another relationship.

 

Er? I'm sorry but I didn't cheat. Get your facts straight before posting something.

[RebeccaChow]

TheFoglifter - You know what? I don't give a hoot because they tried to grope me. I am not gonna say anything else but I don't like the way they looked at me at Little India. That's all I've to say. I'm not being racist but it has happened on several occasions. I'm not saying, I'm saying those who tried groping me and looked at me in a weird way - like I was naked.

 

Miss Firecracker - I'm not gonna explain anymore about why I held onto my friend's arm. I don't think it was wrong & that's that. I'll leave it as it is. I didn't cling all over him, I merely held his ARM. I've friends who put their arm over my shoulder, we're just FRIENDS. Perhaps its the way you've been brought up - to think that holding a person's arm is being clingly all over him.

 

beauty21 - I didn't see him, if not I would have gone after him. He didn't say anything 'cos he was waiting for me to come up to him. Okay... thanks.

[TheFoglifter]

... - You know what? I don't give a hoot because they tried to grope me. I am not gonna say anything else but I don't like the way they looked at me at Little India."

 

I don't care if you are racist. You could have said "shouldn't you be manning your call centers" for all I care. But if you ARE going to assert a view, come on out and say it. There is a parallel between this, and your communication problems with your boyfriend.

 

Out of curiosity, were you dressed in a way that attracted attention? I know you feel like its a violation even if you weren't, but there is some merit to the fact that if a cute 18 year old girl walks through an area populated by older men, she is probably at least going to get eye-humped. Its not right, but its just whats going to happen.

 

Kind of like how if a guy sees his girlfriend walking arm in arm with a guy he doesn't like, and then she lies about it later, he is going to suspect foul play.

 

... it has happened on several occasions. I'm not saying, I'm saying those who tried groping me and looked at me in a weird way - like I was naked."

 

Apparently these several occasions were not enough of a reason to stay away from the area. Its just something to consider, I'm sure you went because you wanted to make your friend happy.

[RebeccaChow]

Okay look, I do appreciate your advice. But seriously.... if you were me you'd be pissed with the guys at Little India for looking at you this way. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt as a matter of fact. I don't see how this is appealing to them.

 

Several occasions, at different places. Not just Little India. I hardly go there except for that one time, to get food at this famous restuarant.

[TheFoglifter]

... don't see how this is appealing to them."

 

You are an 18 year old cute Asian girl.

 

I can understand how it feels invasive to be looked at that way. But from a guy's perspective, you are a young female and are found attractive. While some guys are downright jerks the way they do it, its just one of those things that is going to happen. There is no getting around it.