My mom sides with my brother's wife over me

[may00]

I don't even know where to begin.

 

And she doesn't have to side... I don't know what else to title it. It wold be nice for her to not tell me I'm wrong for what I see in plain sight of the way someone is treating me.

 

My brother married a girl who I liked very much- until I got to know her. It turns out this nice girl is very mean (and possibly a bit of a narcissist? I see traits I'm familiar with- not the in love with herself narcissism, but the other narcissism, I don't know much how to describe it... but she fits a lot of the description).

 

She is very rude to me. When I've confronted her, she just niced me out of believing she was being unkind or cruel. "Oh you just misunderstood me!"

I don't want to go to my brother. I feel like she's probably got him so brainwashed into thinking I'm a rotten person that if I told him anything she's done that he'd say "well, she feels you're _____". She is catty, insecure, immature, can't stop talking about others, has a mean nasty comment about so many things. She's the type of person who just stares at a part of you with a questioning/jealous look on her face instead of saying hello back to you. When I turn around and do something that requires reaching or bending I have caught her making mean faces at me with her eyebrows furrowed.

 

Nasty faces, snide comments about me, or acting like I don't call enough or go to things enough (I never have been this type of person! Yet now I am pressured into doing it, or else I don't like her) I've gone out of my way, this girl doesn't care. I keep to myself now like I normally would. I remember a time my brother invited me to something and she just said I won't go. Excuse me? It's like she wants him to hate me.

 

I decide to talk to my mom about it since she is more a middle person. I'm not saying I want my mom to do anything about it, and at the same time I realize I'm a fool to even consider she should agree with me that I should be hurt, but talking to her about it opened up a big can of worms making me feel like I've got to prove that I'm not wrong and that I don't dislike my SIL for no good reason. I dislike mean people. I dislike people who are rude and nasty to me... I always liked her. I even used to say that I loved when she was around. When I've said what she does, my mother just says "well you don't like her!" Which came first? Her nasty attitude... not me not liking her.

 

I feel like my brother is slowly acting different, very slowly... like upset with me for things he'd not normally care about. Like he's got a worm in his ear.

My mom even wants to just keep us all separate. She thinks this whole time that telling me I'm wrong for how I feel that it will keep the family together, but really it's making me want to distance myself.

So many times I call or text them as if I'm some social butterfly, or go to things I wouldn't normally do (like with her family) because my mom nags and nags me that I'm a horrible person not to. I'm in my 30s and married by the way... and my husband doesn't understand why things are this way, but he is also not close to his family like I am.

 

I know that when they married, our families merged, and that is a wonderful thing. She has a very nice family. Sometimes I feel like my mom is worried about what they think. And her own family has fallen apart. I feel like she puts too much pressure on me, and my own anxieties are blowing it up. But when she hears a disappointment from my brother about oh I didn't call and ask how so and so is (which is probably just a disappointment planted from my SIL), this is a problem... I have never been the type to call people and chat. And I'm called horrible for not seeing why it's so bad.

 

I don't run to tell her everything, but when I confided in her I felt like the world was against me. This girl makes a mean nasty face to me (something you can SEE with your eyes, and not misinterpret)... I confided in my mother, and she just said "maybe that's just how her face looks?" And on top of it, my mother is telling me how to behave, when to call, etc. My mother's mother is a narcissist. Is this type of blatant disregard for the facts a symptom? Does she like that my SIL dislikes me?

 

There's so much I'm leaving out, to the point where I feel I'm not even saying what she even did wrong. I would like to talk about it and see if I can get to the bottom of some thoughts and figure out a way to deal with this and move forward.

[DanZee]

You know, when you deal with family, you put a smile on your face, you be polite, and you ignore any insults or bad remarks. No matter how your SIL is treating you, you're going to look like the crazy one. You need to calm down and take the higher road. It's going to look like you're jealous that your brother has a wife and she's taking him away from you.

 

You might want to seek professional help to talk about your feelings and get help developing a thicker skin so you can ignore and repel any critical remarks made about you. That's the best way for others to see what your SIL is really like, not by drawing attention to yourself.

[RedDress]

Acceptance.

 

You are who you are. She is who she is. You are not going to be able to make her any less catty/snobby/eye-furrowy any more than she is going to be able to turn you into a social butterfly.

 

You really don’t have to be besties. You don’t even have to like her. You just have to be able to sit in a room with her, smile and make small talk.

 

Unfortunately, the more you fight it and try to make others see what you see, the worse YOU will look. Your brother doesn’t want to hear it. That’s his wife. Your mom doesn’t want to hear it. She WANTS to like her (for the sake of family unity).

 

My advice to you would be to stop trying to please everyone and just be you. If you don’t want to call someone - don’t. Let them complain about it. If you don’t want to go somewhere - don’t. Let them get all bothered by it. Just keep being you and if someone confronts you on it, I would just say “well, you know me - that’s just not my thing”. But not in a passive-aggressive way. And just try to be nice. It’s really hard for someone to keep being mean to you (over time) if you are nothing but nice to them.

[catfeeder]

You can pick a war over petty stuff, but you'll lose.

 

I practice the art of 'stupid and cheerful' when in the company of people I don't like. The 'stupid' just means that I'm either too dense or too preoccupied with celebratory things to notice insult, and ~poof!~ it goes away. How about that! Magic.

[itsallgrand]

Just for me, life is too short to accomodate this level of stupidity. I'd tell mom ' sorry for bringing it up at all. I shouldn't have done that. Now I don't want to hear any more bit//g about what you think I should be doing or what bro is complaining to you about. If you don't like what he says, tell him to stop telling you about it. We are adults, we will work it out amongst ourselves."

Then I'd go to bro and tell him " I love you and I don't want our relationship deteriorating. I'm sorry to have commented on your wife. It's true, I'm not a fan. Doesn't matter, it doesn't have to get between you and me. I'll behave and not speak poorly of her. You do the same about me. Good?!"

 

If you all can agree to have better boundaries with each other, you are free to feel how you feel and won't need the validation from them that you aren't nuts. And you aren't - she sounds atrocious.

[may00]

Thank you for the replies. I've not said anything to my brother, only to my mother. Expecting her to just say well, try to forget what she does, but instead her acting like I'm crazy is like twisting a knife and then every time I don't do x, y, z like calling them over something she accuses me of being that way on purpose because I don't like my SIL... I'm just being me. I've actually had "inlaws" like this in a past relationship. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I didn't smile enough, I didn't talk to them enough, I didn't eat enough of their food, etc. Stupid things, and I see it happening again with this type of person because her personality is the exact same. I worry about my brother adopting this. He has already become critical of people since being with her, but not in the same way, more like a joking way.

 

I understand now I shouldn't even engage this type of convo anymore with my mother.

The infuriating thing is judging by the type of person my SIL is, she is the type that would make my brother feel something is wrong with me, or that I'm wrong to not act like she does with calling or texting or doing who knows what, which goes to what RedDress mentions Ive just got to keep being me.

I worry too about when they have kids. Will I not be seeing them enough, asking enough, etc? It's a "never enough" type of girl. This is the type of girl who sits on her phone going down the list of people on her facebook picking them apart...

 

I never had a problem with my brother, until his wife came into the picture. I don't know that he has any issue with me necessarily, but according to my mother she has me feeling like I'm just doing everything wrong based on her conversations with my brother. I imagine the future conflicts. I'm going to just remain consistent. I think if I were to try to be everything, I'll just always fall short somewhere. I know my mom worries and wants to keep the family together. She has even said these things break families apart. I think the more I say absolutely nothing else about her the better, you all are right.

[Wiseman2]

You need some boundaries and distance from your mother. This is not about your brother or his wife.

 

Therapy would help you to develop those boundaries and unpack some of this resentment as well as getting some better coping tips when it comes to over enmeshed family dysfunction..

I understand now I shouldn't even engage this type of convo anymore with my mother. according to my mother she has me feeling like I'm just doing everything wrong based on her conversations with my brother.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for the replies. I've not said anything to my brother, only to my mother. Expecting her to just say well, try to forget what she does, but instead her acting like I'm crazy is like twisting a knife and then every time I don't do x, y, z like calling them over something she accuses me of being that way on purpose because I don't like my SIL... I'm just being me. I've actually had "inlaws" like this in a past relationship. No matter what I did, it wasn't enough. I didn't smile enough, I didn't talk to them enough, I didn't eat enough of their food, etc. Stupid things, and I see it happening again with this type of person because her personality is the exact same. I worry about my brother adopting this. He has already become critical of people since being with her, but not in the same way, more like a joking way.

 

I understand now I shouldn't even engage this type of convo anymore with my mother.

The infuriating thing is judging by the type of person my SIL is, she is the type that would make my brother feel something is wrong with me, or that I'm wrong to not act like she does with calling or texting or doing who knows what, which goes to what RedDress mentions Ive just got to keep being me.

I worry too about when they have kids. Will I not be seeing them enough, asking enough, etc? It's a "never enough" type of girl. This is the type of girl who sits on her phone going down the list of people on her facebook picking them apart...

 

I never had a problem with my brother, until his wife came into the picture. I don't know that he has any issue with me necessarily, but according to my mother she has me feeling like I'm just doing everything wrong based on her conversations with my brother. I imagine the future conflicts. I'm going to just remain consistent. I think if I were to try to be everything, I'll just always fall short somewhere. I know my mom worries and wants to keep the family together. She has even said these things break families apart. I think the more I say absolutely nothing else about her the better, you all are right.

 

What, exactly, is the outcome you want from complaining about SIL?