catfeeder

Okay, so how would you like us to help you? I mean, if you don't even care, then what's left? One thing I'd consider is that often spouses who aren't heard tend to, at some point, find someone who will listen. That's usually a lover or a lawyer. Good luck.

I'd switch out the word "cannot" with "will not," for accuracy. Do you believe that it's only this warped dynamic that keeps you together, or do you sense that your partner would prefer equality in a relationship, and to be respectfully heard?

I don't understand where you see a dilemma. Why not just say, "Yeah, I guess my timing sucks, but for the record, if you find yourself free and clear of current dates, I hope you'll feel welcome to let me know. I'd love to take you out."

We are not the ones who are familiar with where you live, but you have the whole Internet at your fingertips to learn of upcoming events, classes, clubs, meetup.org groups, etc. You could also go to pubs and ask people what else they do to socialize. Maybe they'll invite you to their things. I'm not clear about your higher education system, but lots of kids here who don't get into their first choice schools study locally to earn the credits that they'll later transfer to a better school the next year or the one afterward. So it doesn't need to be a matter of wasting school years until you can get in, and you can form friendships with other kids who are attending the closer school.

This is the kind of $#*& that's sick. Who breaks up with someone then switches over to using that person as as an emotional outlet for talking about the one they're leapfrogging over to play with? And still contacts and cuddles that person they've just dumped? Don't you see how deranged that is? This woman knows how to contact you long after you raise the boundary that you're walking way to heal your own head while she deals with her old business. If you want to keep your door open to being her second-choice safety net if things don't work out with her ex, you can do that, but hopefully, you'll gain enough clarity through distance to recognize the resentment and lack of trust you'd likely grapple with in that event. Speaking only for myself, all it would take for me to walk away cleanly is for someone to have told me that the chemistry between us is less than I imagined. Period. Regardless of whether an ex was back in the picture--that's not even something I'd need to know. Because I deserve better. And unfortunately, you don't want to comprehend that YOU deserve better, and so you're hovering around this woman as though that will buy you more than demonstrating self respect by walking away and telling her to keep her drama.

Yay, Kim! Thanks for the update, and glad to hear that you're both enjoying one another.

And how does he respond when you raise this issue with him? Even the most successful couples fight sometimes. I wonder if you don't share the kind of intimacy that could rock-the-boat? You've been tip-toeing around this issue for a year, and you only see one another twice a week--none of this sounds very open, invested and intimate to me.

There is something seriously wrong with this guy.

It's only been 6 months, and you've already got enough drama to post about him twice. This doesn't sound like a great match for you, OP. It's not adding loving generosity of spirit to your life, just the opposite. Speaking for myself, I'd consider the guy to be too much stress for me on top of an already stressful life. I'd dump him, heal, and go find someone who brings me joy, not tears.

On a first date, I wouldn't head straight to a venue where you can't have good conversation. I'd ask her out for a lunch or dinner first, and then if all goes well and you're a good match, you can invest in some tickets to something musical. I wouldn't pin a make-or-break date onto something with my family.

My heart goes out to you. I'd be more angry than sad, because this isn't some unfortunate circumstance that has created a barrier for you--it was deception. And it was deliberate. I'd allow anger to carry me forward with determination that I can't be derailed from my quest for a good match. Set up a bunch of new quick-meets and go enjoy meeting people for coffee. It might be helpful to get clear about natural odds. Most people are NOT our match. This is true for everyone, so don't sabotage yourself mentally. The goal of dating is to screen out bad matches until you strike simpatico with the RIGHT person. A liar is not him. Consider every disappointment along the way as moving you forward toward finding your person. It only takes one.

Sorry, I just don't confuse being open minded with putting up with being lied to. He's a grown man, yet he's disingenuous enough to feign ignorance about lying being wrong. It's like a jerky kid saying, "Wul, you didn't say that I can't lie, so I did it..." That's not a man who would interested me--and it's not even about him. It's about me and my valuable time that I can't get back because I've been punked. I be less hurt than furious, but I wouldn't show that to him because he wouldn't deserve that amount of energy from me. Buh-bye.

I would fly in to stay with family, not a total stranger. Then you can just set up a first meet with him for while you're there. This way, if you determine that you're not a good match together, you can skip making another date, visit with your family and friends, and then go back to Ireland on a planned round-trip ticket. The guy already sounds a bit pushy about your time. I can only speak for myself, but that would be a turn-off for me, and I would not cater to it.

Yes, it's working, and this relates to your other thread about the questions. That 'vision of romance' thing sounds like the kind of stuff these scammers would ask. It gives them a template to morph into one's perfect fantasy.

Hi TL! I get the anxiety. It's hard to be drawn to someone's flame despite knowing you'll probably get hurt. You simply know this because he's hurt you before, and his excuse was lame and not even something that says, "I really am sorry, and I'll make it up to you." He's a guy who always has stuff going on, and he's shelved you (twice?) in favor of going in another direction. So yes, he's fun to be around, and you want to see more of him, but you also know that you're setting yourself up for anxiety. That's okay, most of us have done that. Enjoy what you can, and if it gets too much, run and hide! 🙂