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catfeeder last won the day on July 31

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  1. Do you want to get back with her, or do you want out? If you want her, stop being nasty when she contacts you and ask her if she wants to work things out. If she says no, then say nothing, end the contact. If you do NOT want her back, then just stop contacting her and stop responding to her contact.
  2. Leaving your own apartment to let her have at it with him isn't going to win her back. If you want your stuff or you want your home, lay down your ground rules, and get them. She'll respect you more for THAT than for acting like a doormat.
  3. Porn, schmorn. I wouldn't care 'why' someone would expect to keep me in a sexless relationship--it just wouldn't happen. Why jump though hoops because someone won't give you what you want and deserve in a loving relationship, when you can just tell him when you expect him out of there?
  4. Do you want to be in your marriage, or do you want to be out of your marriage? If you want out, just get out. If you want to stay married, look for another job, and get rid of the jerk who makes you feel lousy.
  5. When your name is on the lease and you're paying rent, nobody can tell you that you're not 'allowed' to be there. Two options: Tell her you intend to pay the fee to cut the lease short unless she gives you untroubled access to the place whenever you want to go there--for as long as you wish, even to sleep there. Otherwise, set up a date to get your stuff, and tell her that you'd prefer to do this without a police escort, but if she gives you any trouble, that's what she's facing, because it's your lease. Trying to be a 'nice' guy isn't going to get her back. Stand up for yourself, and if you want to keep the place, tell her a date by which she needs to be out of there. Period.
  6. Good observation. I think you're right. Even during GOOD times it's natural to feel a bit out of one's element when surrounded by strangers who are all connected to one another with shared history and inside jokes. One of the most helpful things I've learned to relieve 'spotlight' pressure from myself, even with close friends and family, was my decision to make every outing about them-not-ME. This not only relaxes me, but it moves me out of my own way. I understand that this can sound counter-intuitive and passive, but the opposite is true. Active listening is a skill, and while it may not impress people with all kinds of fabulous information about you, it impresses them with how they FEEL being heard and valued by you. That's the stuff that will, ultimately, help you to feel valued as well. People will be receptive to what you have to say whenever you DO want to speak of yourself, because you've set a precedent for the kind of intimacy that has no need to compete to be heard. Head high, you are not alone.
  7. When someone demonstrates their capacity for disloyalty, believe what you see--not what you want to hear. I'd leave new guy to deal with her and focus on someone else.
  8. There's a difference between using conflicts to negotiate better outcomes versus turning a spouse (or his family) into adversaries. I would have asked husband, "If you want to allow your Mom to set the timeline, are you willing to get the baby ready while I catch up?" Cleaning up the house to impress MIL when your hostile attitude toward her and husband overrides any other impression isn't helpful. I would have left the place a bombshell to demo the help that I need. Then whoever tried to rush me would have been assigned a job to help out.
  9. Good! This was smart. That's all I'd say about it. Then I'd give him a kiss and offer him a plate. If he didn't want the plate, I'd return it to the cupboard, fill my own plate, offer him a glass of wine or whatever he drinks. Whether he accepts that or not, I'd move my own plate to the table and start eating. Not everything 'must' be a power struggle.
  10. Holing up to watch gore won't help you to like people any better--just the opposite. And when you hate people, they sense this and avoid you, so you'll only end up hating more. Why not try breaking this cycle by exploring other interests and learning whether you can find some common ground to like about someone else?
  11. Speaking only for myself, I'd want to mention it early to get it off my shoulders and relax. If someone wouldn't want to date me because of it, I'd want to screen that person out early--not after I'm already invested.
  12. This is exactly why I wouldn't even bother telling him anything. I'd just stop contacting him or responding to his self-interested breadcrumbs. Who wants to settle for crumbs? Moving on isn't going to position you to 'lose' anything. He's not giving you anything to lose. If he suddenly has some kind of eureka! moment, believe me, he'll have no problem letting you know this. Sticking around to remind him that you're invested doesn't help the situation--it's hovering, and it's not attractive. (Sorry.)
  13. I dunno, I tend to enjoy attending weddings alone. If being at a wedding together with BF is important to you, then make his friends wedding your place to do that. Meanwhile, enjOy your friend's wedding with all of YOUR friends... Uhm--unless THAT is the really the issue. Maybe you're a bit jealous that he has a closer bond with his group than you have with yours? I wouldn't harm my own relationship over this, but that's just me.
  14. When I love someone and value our relationship more than being right, I tend to sense when my best intentions are making someone angry. From there, I stop doing that thing. So my best takeaway from this would be to keep loving girlfriend AND respect her limits. That means allowing her to learn her own stuff in her own time, and let her evolve from that as she so chooses. Stop. Picking. That.
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