vortex

I appreciate that this topic might have been covered before, but this is all new to me. So, any help or advice would be welcome. I have a friend who is anorexic. I've only known her for a about 6 months and we've never met in person. Anyway, when I met her she did tell me that she was anorexic/boulimic. She's 20 and says she's suffered from anorexia since she was 16. I think at the time and for a long time I didn't quite understand what that involved. I knew that it was an eating disorder, but to what extent it could affect someone I didn't realise, and that's partly why I'm here. We became very close. She couldn't understand why anyone would have any interest or even like her (let alone love her). Inititally she tried to push me away, saying that eventually I would end up getting hurt. I wasn't there to be a hero or save her from anything, I was there 'cause I genuinely liked her - she's an intelligent, interesting, sensitive young lady. Anyway, she went away for three months on a work placement for university. Shortly after she came back, suddenly, for no apparent reason, she just pushed me away completely, totally, brutally. She was someone else, someone I didn't recognise. During her placement we were still in touch, still very close. She refuses to talk about her experience there, but from what I gather, the anorexia got worse and she's actually suffering the physical/psycological consequences of that. She kept saying that she doesn't want to use me and that's why she had to push me away. She insisted that she didn't need my help, refusing to understand that as a friend, I care for her and I simply want to be there if she needs me. So possibly, she didn't want to "need" me. I did fight back, each time she pushed me away, I kept coming back. Ultimately (as she predicted at the very beginning of our frienship), I was hurt. So I kept my distance, if thats what she needs right now I have to respect that. Every now and then we would exchange a few words. But I feel there's like two sides of her: the one I knew before her trip and the one she is forcing herself to be. I know for a fact that she is suffering a lot, physically and psychologically, but I have to stay here silently and this kills me. I know that this is all due to the anorexia, but I don't know WHAT to do. Those who have loved ones who are anorexic, please share your experience. How can we cope with this? How can we help without making things worse for them?

HoneyBunch Really sorry to hear about what your sister, your family and yourself are going through. That was a loud cry for help there, but the good thing is that your sister DOESN'T want to die. She wants and she needs help. For her there seems like there was no way out, she's tried every avenue in her power (and we aren't very powerful when we are depressed). Like everyone else have already said, she needs you guys around, she needs your support and love (don't overdo it though, she'll feel it straight away). She definitely needs counselling, talking is one of the best therapy. She's obviously depressed, so I don't know if anti-depressant might be an option (not that I recommend it, I'm no doctor). As for her studies, she'll need extra help to organise herself, she'll need someone to "take her by the hand" and help her step by step to plan things and get back on track. As a family you should consider the options available, if she decided to take a break from school now and go back next year perhaps. I'm not saying that that's what she should do, but maybe she needs a break, only her can tell how she feels. Also, I know you mentioned that your parents don't want anyone else to know. But perhaps your parents should discuss this with her tutors at school and see what they could do to help her to catch up with her studies. I know this is tough for you and I know how hopeless things must appear to your sister right now - I've been in her shoes once (suicide attempt during final yr exam). Just be there for her and do everything to boost her self-confidence. Self-confidence is the road to recovery. All the best.

If you're not over her, then : NO CONTACT. Do not open pandora's box!

No I don't regret staying. It's been tough, really tough. I used to miss the other woman like hell for the first few months. But now the withdrawal phase is over and I feel so much better. Lust and obsession can so easily be confused with love. Then again, what is love? I realised the above afterwards. An affair is unhealthy and can only cause pain and confusion. Of course, there's the excitement part of it, but hell, its not worth all the mess. My relationship with my partner is recovering, slowly but surely. For the first time in a long time, my heart beats when I think of her and I truly desire her. This whole affair has, in some way, forced us to put our feelings into perspective and to reconsider our life as a couple. NO, I DON'T REGRET STAYING. My only regret is the pain and hurt that I caused both women during my "confusion" phase.

I do not wish to generalise things, I appreciate that everybody is different and situation differs. However, Shadow Light, I can totally relate to what you said. thereforeeee, I wouldn't be so surprised that the same thing might be true of Lotus Flower's lover. Lotus Flower, I appreciate that this isn't an easy issue to deal with. I wish you all the best. Hope you find the strength to fight this emotional and mental dilemma. Take care

After an affair, it's usually hard for the cheater to forget about the other woman, after he's gone back to his wife/partner and kids. Theses aren't the kind of things that you just forget with the flcik of a thumb. Unfortunately, you are also struggling to forget and thats totally understandable, totally normal. However, he seems to be making an effort and invest in your relationship again. So, although you've already been through so much, you'll have to give him time and give yourself time to heal. It's good that you're getting counselling, that will definitely help you to deal with the pain and to focus on your relationship rather than the past. It should also help you to be in touch with your feelings and not to hide in any emotions. It's important that you are happy and that you know exactly what you want. You should definitely share your fellings with your husbands, this will help him to understand what you are going through. Your husband has his own demons to fight, but as long as you two are strong, with time I hope that things will get better and that the pain gradually will go.

My situation was that I was cheating on my partner with this woman. And your situation is similar in some way to the “other” woman. She was expecting me to leave my partner and she ended up giving me an ultimatum. But I couldn’t leave my partner, because despite my feelings for that woman, I still cared and probably still loved my partner. I felt that I owed something to my partner. We’d recently moved, she’d gone back to college and I felt that I needed to be here for her. I needed to support her financially, emotionally. I couldn’t just leave her. The other woman wouldn’t hear any of that. She didn’t want a long distance relationship either. So it was an infinite game of – yes, no, yes, no etc But unlike you, she decided to move on. I still miss her, but I’ve committed myself to my partner and to trying and make it work despite all the problems that we were having and that lead me somehow to cheating. Some of the people have mentioned that you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. I think they are right, and I’m talking from experience. He’s saying that he hates her, but he’s still with her. Well, he might well want to be with you, but there might be reasons why he cannot do so, financially etc. But this is what I think, he is probably just as confused as I was. He most probably doesn’t really know what he wants. He wants you both, but he can’t have you both. His gf is giving him something that you can’t and vice versa, that’s partly why he’s still with her. My advice to you is to break it off. Don’t even try to be friends. Just move on. This is not an easy thing to do ‘cause like you said you like his company etc. He’ll probably beg you to stay and argue his case long and hard. It’s gonna be EXTREMELY hard, but that’s what you’ve gotta do. MOVE ON. Give yourself a chance to be truly happy with someone who is FREE and who will be yours 100%. Good luck.

It is so much easier to judge and criticise when we are a complete outsider, isn't it?! Ailec, you say you've never been into a relationship, then how would you know what goes on in a relationship that can sometimes leads to cheating. According to you, NOTHING justifies cheating. Well, I agree with you, cheating can't be justified, but it happens for many different reasons and due to diverse personal circumstances. Of course, there are people who would always jump on the occasion to have a bit of fun on the side, but that's not everybody's case. Relationships are more complex than what it seems. It takes more than talk shows and forums to understand what it entails. It's more about living it, than analysing it!The fact that some people have been weak enough to cheat and that others have been cheated on, doesn't justify your disillusion about relationships.

Ailec1987 People don't get into relationships with the apprehension that it will or might all go wrong. They do it with the anticipation of good things to come. Maybe you should stop reading posts about cheaters, from what you're saying it doesn't seem to be doing you any good. Take care

coollady1957 Yeah I did cheat, but trust me, while this whole thing was going on, I was miles away from reality, miles away from ever realising what effect this would have on the other people involved and on myself. I was too full of lust. It's tough to rebuild a relationship, even though my partner forgave me. It's hard to live with what I inflicted on both women. The hurt etc, it's a nightmare. It's a painful process to get over the whole thing, to try and forget, because I cannot forget. Now I wished I'd been strong enough, wise enough not to put the people involved, including myself, through this whole mess. But there's nothing I can do to erase the past. I can only move forward and try to deal with the consequences of my past actions. What a mess! But hey, on the positive side, my relationship with my partner is getting better, but there's still a long way to go till we get back what we lost. I am putting much effort into it and time will tell whether we are really made for each other.

Thanks Spader You are right, relationship is an ongoing effort and I'll remember that and work on it. What I also realise now is that I was also to blame for driving my partner away. There were things going on in my life which resulted in me being quite selfish at times and taking my partner for granted. Guess we all learn from experience.

Whether it's a kiss or sex, well guess cheating is cheating. Like many others said, I believe that telling the truth when the other person is totally in the dark is a form of selfishness too. I know that trust is very important in a relationship. But if you are happy in the relationship now, so why tell hime NOW, why not before. My only concern is that you posted this thread. Which tells me, you have an issue about it, so are you really happy in the relationship??? Why are you feeling so guilty then? As you already know, I cheated a few months ago. And yes she knows about it. But, will I go on telling her about the details? Hell no! Do you think that will do her any good for me to tell her: "you know when you thought I was away working, well I was actually f***ing so and so"? I cheated, but I do not have to hurt her anymore with the details of when and how and where. The guilt is yours to deal with. If you can't deal with it, then break up and move on. Don't go hurting your boyfriend.

You are right, this other woman was more than just sex. We connected on different levels. It's not that things weren't so good on other areas with my partner. It's just that I've never known it to be any different. This whole affair/cheating has been over for two months now. I'm not here on this forum to cry over spilt milk. What happened happened, full stop. All I can do is talk about the aftermaths and deal with it. Vanilla and Imsobusted_Introuble, do you really think that "I'm lucky that my partner stuck around". I don't feel lucky. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel unlucky either. What I mean is that in this context, no one is really lucky, especially if one's messed up. For all the others who think that "cheaters always come back with those same lines",well too bad. Lets say that cheaters aren't very original. They mustn't be, to have been doing the same old thing for generations and generations. Guess being faithful isn't more original either, it's just more respectful.

What are you sorry about? Everything you said in your first post was true. My partner and I had a chat. I asked her how she felt and basically she feels that what happened is partly her fault; that she's responsible for me looking elsewhere. That used to be my excuse too. However, I explained to her that the only one responsible is ME, MYSELF & I!!! I'm the one who messed up, I'm the one who cheated, I'm the one who was disrespectful to her and to our relationship. It feels awful to have acted so badly, to have hurt her so much and yet for her to feel guilty. The crazy thing is that all the time I was messing about, I didn't have any guilt. I felt like I deserved all that she couldn't give me. I was a fool. She gave me so much. She gave me love and support. I was blinded by lust and my own selfishness. I guess life is a learning curve, quite steep too at times.

GettingOverIt Man I can definitely relate to what you said. Like you, I thought that I would NEVER cheat. That was out of the question. I used to look in disgust at people who cheated on their partner/spouse. I'd seen with my own eyes the hurt and pain that it caused - somone close to me had been cheated on several times and I considered cheating as absolutely appalling. But hey, I learned my lesson; never say NEVER and never judge. I cheated and I learned my lesson. I agree with you, if people can't work things out, then they should have the decency to leave.