Getting over someone

I'll try and keep this short, but how do you get over someone that youve been trying to for about 2 or 3 years?

Someone that has never made you feel like this about someone and doesnt go away, fate always bringing you together somehow. They love you and admit they cant keep away but just scared of commitment.

Ive tried meeting other girls but its not working, I have no interest in them because of her, Its like shes the one, even though somewhere in me I know shes not right and I want to move on I cant.

are you still in contact with this person?

If you are in still in continual contact, and they have no desire to reconcile, you cut ALL contact with them and move on.

You are responsible for your well being, no one else. I dont know tour back story but at some point you just have to admit it will never work out and put them totally out of your life.

What you're doing so far hasn't worked, time for a new plan

You say that she's the one. I get the feeling that she's not saying "He's the one." meaning you for her. Don't put a time table for getting over her. If you're still in contact, cut as many ties as you can. Certainly cut all ties on social media. If friends or family still mention her, ask them to stop. These are all good starts to getting over anyone.

The 'one' is a myth, there are lots of other women out there who could be the 'one'. I was infatuated with a girl at Uni for years, only when I became indifferent to her did we become friends with benefits and I realised she was a nightmare. Check out Corey Wayne on YouTube, he's got interesting views on this subject.

Check out Corey Wayne on YouTube, he's got interesting views on this subject.

Corey Wayne is my hero.

Yes in almost daily contact with both of us instigating at times.

I know that's probably the place to start and believe me I have tried, I've gone a month or so here and there without contact but we always end up talking again somehow. Small town and impossible to avoid, plus we miss each other.

It's like a never ending merry go round and I'm worried I'm missing out on other opportunities now because I've fallen for her completely.

It's like a never ending merry go round and I'm worried I'm missing out on other opportunities now because I've fallen for her completely.

Yep, it's likely that you ARE missing new opportunities. Stop the contact, and stop pretending that the choice to do that is 'somehow' out of your own hands.

It's a decision.

You and I are alike, RKD...when you are really really ready to let her go, you will. Forcing yourself to go NC with her will not help you.

Yep, it's likely that you ARE missing new opportunities. Stop the contact, and stop pretending that the choice to do that is 'somehow' out of your own hands.

 

It's a decision.

Feeding off of catfeeder (tee hee), it's a decision and every single person who has had to make the decision feels awful about it while doing so. It's never easy, it's never fun, it always feels awful, but they do it because they know that they need to do it.

Sometimes we need to make hard choices in life, and an indication that it's time for a difficult choice is when you've realized that what you've been doing isn't working. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Things that are good for us are often the most difficult to do. Like, for example, giving birth? Excruciatingly painful but worth it, no?

Some good points been made here.

She messaged last night saying that shes not saying she doenst want me to move on but shes feeling a lot better about herself now and isnt sure what that means for me and her, basically saying she thinks theres hope. I wasnt by my phone when I received it but a couple of minutes later she said maybe she shouldnt have said that.... so messed up.

This morning I messaged back and she again said shes not sure what it means for us but it could mean nothing.

How do I cut loose? I need out and to get her out of my head for good.

How do I cut loose? I need out and to get her out of my head for good.

It's a decision. Everything stems from that. As long as you're on the fence you'll just keep chomping at her brain farts. As soon as you're tired and bored enough with that choice keeping you stagnating, you'll simply stop doing that and shut her down.

You don't really need someone here to instruct you how to block all your avenues of communication with her, do you? You don't really believe this requires some lame explanation from you after all this wasted time, do you?

Head high. You'll walk forward when you're ready.

It's a decision. Everything stems from that. As long as you're on the fence you'll just keep chomping at her brain farts. As soon as you're tired and bored enough with that choice keeping you stagnating, you'll simply stop doing that and shut her down.

 

You don't really need someone here to instruct you how to block all your avenues of communication with her, do you? You don't really believe this requires some lame explanation from you after all this wasted time, do you?

 

Head high. You'll walk forward when you're ready.

No I get you, I understand totally what I need to do, I unfollowed her off instagram, twitter weeks ago, even deleted her off facebook but because im such a weak minded fool with her I accepted her friend request again.

I guess I just need to get to that point of enough is enough, I was with someone for about 6 months and that felt good keeping her at bay but that when she was at her most wanting with me.

Some good points been made here.

 

She messaged last night saying that shes not saying she doenst want me to move on but shes feeling a lot better about herself now and isnt sure what that means for me and her, basically saying she thinks theres hope. I wasnt by my phone when I received it but a couple of minutes later she said maybe she shouldnt have said that.... so messed up.

 

This morning I messaged back and she again said shes not sure what it means for us but it could mean nothing.

 

How do I cut loose? I need out and to get her out of my head for good.

You just do it.

Listen, the fact that she's giving you (false) hope but is in no way committal is an indication that you are being viewed as a tool to her. You supply her attention, emotional support, and a fallback option, and she likes having those things. You are giving and giving and she is taking and taking. Common sense dictates when the giver starts doubting the arrangement and starts talking about no longer supplying those things, you give just enough to keep the person hanging on. That's what she's done with you and you jumped all over it. (But you also appear to be frustrated and have doubts, so good for you on recognizing, even subconsciously, that something isn't right here.)

Your ex already knows what it is like to be with you. You don't need to remind her, and frankly - as I've recently experienced myself - there is nothing like significant time and space for someone to stop resisting their feelings for you and to remember all of the good things about you. There is absolutely NO reason that she needs you there talking to her to be able to make a decision someday that she wants to try again. She can, entirely on her own after not speaking to you for months or years, decide she wants to try again with you. She's not going to forget you; it doesn't work that way.

The thing is, by letting go, she risks that YOU will move on. She knows that and she doesn't want that. Do you get how selfish that is? She doesn't want you but she doesn't want anyone else to have you. That's not a very nice way to treat someone. Someone with maturity who ends a relationship will notice if their ex is using a friendship or frequent contact as a way to hang on and try to win back the relationship, and they will know that they need to sever that connection to give their ex the shove they need to move on. Yours only thinks about what is good for her, though. I feel like that should help you see her in a less angelic and perfect light, which will help with healing.

You break free from something like this by accepting that it is wholly codependent and dysfunctional, that you are getting nothing from this except a false sense of security, that she is the only one benefiting from the arrangement of keeping close contact, that it is keeping you tied to her and unable to move on and become interested in other women, and that you don't need to be in her life for her to decide she wants to try again.

You issue a short explanation, that staying in touch is no longer healthy for you and you'd like to move on with your life and wish her well. You keep it friendly, detached and short. And then you do it, and you don't fall for any guilt trips or breadcrumbs she throws out with the clear goal of getting her safety net back so life isn't so scary for her. If she tells you you're being selfish and immature, you understand the psychological concept of projection. Finally, you begin to see her as she is - a somewhat selfish person who is feeding off of your kindness - and you do not accept her little signs of hope as being anything that you should trust.

I think I might have to print out your post and read it when im feeling like contacting her or replying to the messages because that really made me feel strong so thank you for that.

Im such a push over when it comes to her though and I think she knows it.

Im such a push over when it comes to her though and I think she knows it.

That is not helping your cause, dude. It is so important for men to be strong and have integrity for their wants and needs in order to retain the respect of their woman of interest. I mean, those are universal actions that translate as "I value myself", but they're extra important for men to be definitive and resolute to communicate strength.

Right now you're constantly bowing to her will, and accepting less than what you want, and all it's doing is boosting her ego, lowering your perceived value, and sucking the lifeforce out of you. You're better than this! She's just a silly woman and once you have done the work to let go of your emotional attachment, you'll be able to see that too!

Thanks.

I've gone over 12 hours of no contact now, its horrible. Im just going to slowly fade away, Ive told her its time I moved on but I dont think she quite understood what I was saying.

Thanks.

 

I've gone over 12 hours of no contact now, its horrible. Im just going to slowly fade away, Ive told her its time I moved on but I dont think she quite understood what I was saying.

It's not up to her to understand, it's up to you.

The only way to TRULY get over a bad break-up is to fall madly in love with someone new and have this someone new reciprocate your feelings, get together with them, become a couple, a r-ship, a shared life.. IMHO and experience, until you do..you're stuck in the past, no matter how many self-help books will tell you otherwise.

The only way to TRULY get over a bad break-up is to fall madly in love with someone new and have this someone new reciprocate your feelings, get together with them, become a couple, a r-ship, a shared life.. IMHO and experience, until you do..you're stuck in the past, no matter how many self-help books will tell you otherwise.

I believe this also, but it's now hard to meet new people, I've been on dates since that I know I'd have been happy being with the people but it's her in my head.

She's the one I can't forget

I disagree, I am "over" my ex (over whom I was devastated) and I'm not with anyone. I recently had the opportunity to reconnect with him. I walked away because I don't even feel remotely attracted to him anymore. And I used to claim I'd love him forever!!

Not true at all.