Can the person my wife cheated on me with still be in her life?

Trying to be short, but a few months ago my wife cheated on me. The guy was a very close friend of mine and a friend of my (future) wife, and actually the reason me and my wife met. We fell out of friendship a bit before me and my wife got married.

Towards the end of this last summer, she started going out every night when i got home from work, and out til 3, 4, 5 or later in the morning. Got a call from this guy one night, and he tells me that during that time they slept together. She denies it at first. Then later that night, my friend took me out side his house and said she told him that "he forced her to have sex with him."

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, the guy randomly is back in her life (long story there, cops found our car parked in a trespassing lot and threatened to tow it, she was with the guy they were driving in his car) and she said that he wanted to see her to apologize for what he did, bla bla. And she has been with him almost every single night til 12, 1, 2, 4, 7 in the morning.

Even more fast forward to a few days ago, I finally called her out and she admitted it was all a big mistake, that he didnt force her, that she slept with him.

She says absolutely nothing has happened, that he is just being a good friend and they have had a talk about boundaries etc.

I told her it has to be him or me. I can't trust them around each other again.

Am I wrong? there is no reason for the "other man" to still be in ones life if they want to fix thing, under ANY circumstances, best friends or not?

she's cheating on you again.

I would cut both these people out of your life. She is a liar, a cheater AND a double crosser.

You are right... there is no reason for this guy to be a part of her life/ your life.

She has to choose.

Sorry you have to deal with this!

I am sorry but she does not respect you or your marriage. She is most likely fooling around with this so called friend. You need to see this for what it is and start protecting yourself. You should not be a choice, you should be the most important thing in her life and she is treating you like dirt on her shoe.

I suggest you start preparing yourself for a breakup and possible divorce. I would also go to the doctor and get tested as she may have brought something home to you.

Your friend and your wife have treated you with such a lack of respect I don't see how you could ever trust either one again.

Please do what is best for you.

lost

It's so hard. She seems so sincere and genuine when I get to my breaking points. She say's that i never gave her emotionally what she needs/needed, and that I pushed her away and pushed her to do it.

What if they both are geniune in their current friendship?

she says im being selfish for asking her to give up the only friend and her best friend that she has right now. Say's i only care about whats best for me and what i want. Sometimes i think she may be right. And i try and look ahead and want to fix things and think maybe they will be okay and trustworthy. Then I cant do it...

You did the right thing. Giving her a choice. I think there could be a minute possiblity she could be telling the truth and nothing is happening, however with her past lies I would not trust her again. Get him our of your life or her.

It's so hard. She seems so sincere and genuine when I get to my breaking points. She say's that i never gave her emotionally what she needs/needed, and that I pushed her away and pushed her to do it.

 

What if they both are geniune in their current friendship?

 

she says im being selfish for asking her to give up the only friend and her best friend that she has right now. Say's i only care about whats best for me and what i want. Sometimes i think she may be right. And i try and look ahead and want to fix things and think maybe they will be okay and trustworthy. Then I cant do it...

Oh my god!!!

now she's blaming YOU for her cheating behaviour?!?!?

That is just so awful, it disgusts me! ugh... this is so typical of cheaters!

THEY do something wrong and turn it around to make YOU feel bad... for something SHE did!!!

I'm so so sorry, that is just terrible behaviour on her part!

You did nothing to push her to do this. This is classic cheater talk! She is trying to make it your fault that she is selfish and weak. So she keeps this guy around until you two have a fight and she storms out. Where do you think she is going to go and what do think she will do when she gets there? Is this what you want your marriage to be? This is not your fault at ALL! Don't let her blame you for this. Common decency would have her staying away from this loser but she doesn't have that. She is selfish and does and takes whatever she wants to make herself happy and then tells you that it is your fault. I think a separation would give you a chance to see things more clearly.

do what is best for yourself

lost

It's so hard. She seems so sincere and genuine when I get to my breaking points. She say's that i never gave her emotionally what she needs/needed, and that I pushed her away and pushed her to do it.

 

What if they both are geniune in their current friendship?

 

she says im being selfish for asking her to give up the only friend and her best friend that she has right now. Say's i only care about whats best for me and what i want. Sometimes i think she may be right. And i try and look ahead and want to fix things and think maybe they will be okay and trustworthy. Then I cant do it...

Don't fall for it, she is turning this around and blaming you so she doesnt have to face up to the horrible truth that she is a selfish lying cheat. Of course she doesnt want it to end, its wrong, she knows it and thats what makes it exciting.

Trust me on this, they arent being friends almost every single night til 12, 1, 2, 4, 7 in the morning. Even if there is no sex going on, its definitely emotionally cheating and in some ways thats even worse!

Oh my god!!!

 

now she's blaming YOU for her cheating behaviour?!?!?

 

That is just so awful, it disgusts me! ugh... this is so typical of cheaters!

 

 

THEY do something wrong and turn it around to make YOU feel bad... for something SHE did!!!

 

I'm so so sorry, that is just terrible behaviour on her part!

This pretty much sums up my outrage as well. Your wife is projecting her own selfishness on to you. I would walk away from this marriage and let the two snakes have each other.

Can the person my wife cheated on me with still be in her life?

Short answer: no.

Longer answer: Hell no.

She needs to cut him out and make you and the marriage her priority. If she won't put you ahead of her affair, you need to put yourself ahead of her manipulative head games.

No one can make anyone do anything. She's a grown up, she made her choices.

She cheated on you with this guy, lied about it, and is now spending late nights with him on a regular basis. I bet you wouldn't really have an issue if they met for lunch now and then, but spending these nights with him means that they are cheating, even if it's emotional. The idea that she is blaming you for cheating, and now implies that you are intent on keeping her from her best friend is pretty appalling. She sounds really selfish. If she really feels that you are not meeting her emotional needs, you two should be working on your marriage, not developing best friends outside of your relationship. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I feel you should listen to your gut on this one. Your intuition is correct.

You shouldn't be with her and by staying friends with him she is clearly showing you she still wants him. So ya you know your caught up in this whole "love" thing, but guess what? You can find someone better. This isn't it.

This sounds like my last relationship, other than the marriage part. Long story short, tell her to pack her bags now and you'll end up saving yourself a lot of heartache.

No matter how much you love her a tug o' war between you and him isn't worth it.

Would you bring kids into this?

Leave now and find a woman who is honest.

dump the tart, she's a cheater.

While your ultimatum is long overdue, it's not worth a thing if you're not willing to give her the boot.

I'd change the locks and pack her stuff to the porch. Then I'd lawyer up.

In your corner.

My friend, she should be kissing your feet for not dumping her for such infedelity and lies not trying to convince you that being friends with the guy she cheated on you with is acceptable. That's outrageous!!!!! Tell her that you don't want to ever see her around him again and that she owes you to earn your trust back. Had this happened to me I would be long gone out of the relationship. You know that she has the capability to cheat on you and lie to you so you do really want someone like that in your life????

 

Short answer: no.

 

Longer answer: Hell no.

I like that.

It is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE for your partner to have anything at all to do with the person they cheated with. That is the FIRST step towards trying to fix your relationship and regain your trust. For her to call that guy, or email him (with you present) and tell him in very obvious terms never call me again. It should go like this: 'john doe', from this moment forward I never want to hear from you ever again, do not call me, do not text me, do not check my myspace page, do not show up at my work. Pretend that we never met, pretend Im dead, whatever you need to do... but stay away. Period, end of story.

Anything less than that from your wife, and she truly is not worth even considering a second chance. As your wife is now a cheat, a liar, and still hanging out with this guy... you can bet your last dollar shes stuff wrestling between the sheets with him. Divorce/break up with her NOW.

It's so hard. She seems so sincere and genuine when I get to my breaking points. She say's that i never gave her emotionally what she needs/needed, and that I pushed her away and pushed her to do it.

 

What if they both are geniune in their current friendship?

 

she says im being selfish for asking her to give up the only friend and her best friend that she has right now. Say's i only care about whats best for me and what i want. Sometimes i think she may be right. And i try and look ahead and want to fix things and think maybe they will be okay and trustworthy. Then I cant do it...

Bro, she cheated on you. You got that? Has that registered in your head yet? She CHEATED ON YOU!!!! she is being INSANE to think that you could, should, or would ever accept their friendship ever again. She threw that option away when they had sex. It is your duty as a man to not put up with this kind of crap and walk away. And another thing, you know why she sounds all genuine when you are about to snap? Because shes a lying, manipulator and shes good at it... and you are so whipped that you put up with it and accept the most blatant obvious lies as the truth because thats what you want to see.

Lemme break it to you like this:

My fiance wants me to come home after work, I say sure honey Ill come straight home. 6 hours later I show up stinking like fish and the beach, with my car all full of fishing gear. I say no honey, I didnt go fishing I swear I was at work. She says... well that looks odd... but ok I believe you. Tomorrow the same thing happens, only this time she shows up as Im loading my kayak and all of my fishing gear into the car. Again I tell her, no honey Im not going fishing, this is all work related. You see how crazy you would have to be to believe that? Thats exactly where you are in regards to your wife. Its stone cold obvious shes cheating and you want to grasp onto the thinnest hope that its anything but what it is.

I concur with everyones opinion. Dump her. She is definitely cheating. I LOVE HOW SHE SAID "THEY TALKED ABOUT BOUNDARIES". She is a skank!

To answer your question: No.

It's so hard. She seems so sincere and genuine when I get to my breaking points. She say's that i never gave her emotionally what she needs/needed, and that I pushed her away and pushed her to do it.

 

What if they both are geniune in their current friendship?

 

she says im being selfish for asking her to give up the only friend and her best friend that she has right now. Say's i only care about whats best for me and what i want. Sometimes i think she may be right. And i try and look ahead and want to fix things and think maybe they will be okay and trustworthy. Then I cant do it...

Hate to say it man, but I've been there before. If she's blaming you as the reason she's cheating, she's not taking responsibility for the terrible wrong she's done. Relationships can often be hurtful, but nothing justifies cheating...NOTHING. If she truly means what she says...if she TRULY loves you, she should volunteer to cut off all contact with this other person without you saying anything and MEAN IT. Believe me, I understand, and my heart truly goes out to you - you're deeply in love with this woman, and I get it... you want to believe what she says more than anything...but ultimately, it's her actions that count. A relationship will only work if BOTH people are working at it. Sounds like she's focusing all the blame on you and is unwilling to do anything from her side to make it right, and again, you did not do anything to MAKE her cheat - she did it of her own free will, and sadly, will more than likely do it again, she'll just get better at hiding it. If she's out til all hours of the morning with this guy, it's NOT just a friendship. I know it's not what you want to hear, and it's certainly not what I would have wanted to hear, but you're in for a very long and very rough road if you give it another try. Should you decide to though (and I think most of us would recommend that you not stay with her), counselling would be mandatory IMO...

Good luck to you