EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hi guys guess who... So... I have been dating Macca for 3 months... it got serious quickly as I moved to his city in Janurary and didnt really know anyone here. Things were great, perfect, until he started uni again. I KNOW that its hard to him to juggle everything, but I really am just starting to feel used. He compains that he works too much, but he spends 1/2 his paycheck at the bar THAT HE WORKS AT!!.. Hes often late to meet me becuase he has been drinking. He never, ever initiates contact... tis ALWAYS me. Although he is lovely when we are together, its ME that has to sacrifice things, that has to put in the effort to see HIM. I tried to talk to him on friday night, pretty much just asking if he does/will ever love me... he stormed out... tried to say I was pressuring him, changed the subject, then he was happy as Larry. Now its gotten to the point where I am holding so much back and getting so upset, that I am continually on the verge of tears and I am having nightmares... I wake up during the night, cant sleep... I get so upset even if he just doesnt reply to a text, especially if I know he is probably drinking, when he has uni work to do and I never get to actually DO anything with him becuase he is doing study. But he will go out with mates. I dont want to be the kind of person who get upset over a TEXT! I feel like Im being taken for granted... I cant talk to him becuase Im too afraid he will mess up my head like last time, and I REALLY dont want to play games. I figured that perhaps I dont contact him and if he hasnt contacted ME by thursday night (we are supposed to meet up, my friends and his) then I figure he doesnt give a damn and give him the opportunity to leave? Im so confused, Im desperatly trying to cling to my sanity... Link to comment
DN Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I think it is reasonable to say to him something like "Look, I am not trying to pressure you but I also feel pressured to keep quiet about my feelings and it is not working for me. I want to feel we are at least close to being on the same page about this relationship - or even if we are reading from the same book. So I need to know how you think what we have may develop without you getting angry." Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Do you think it would be ok to email him? when I try to talk I get all tongue tied and screw it up... Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I like what DN said! Have you made any friends in this new city? Do you think maybe you have other stuff going on (homesickness) that you are projecting on him? Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Your not going to crack sis. But you are being taken for granted. I don't know Macca's problem. I don't know if he has commitment issues, was burned once too many times...or is just shallow and selfish. But its time to start thinking of yourself. You need to pull away from him a bit, solidify your own life. Do a light NC where you don't contact him. He HAS to come to you! To me, it sounds like your sacrificing your life to be part of his. Thats not a relationship sis. A couple walks side by side through life...not one tagging along behind the other. *sigh* If you were here, I'd take you up on Lookout Bluff. We'd watch the sun set over the valley, watch tens of thousands of light twinkle like stars below as all the towns get ready for the night ahead. We'd talk and you could cry to your heart's content...nobody but us and the squirrels. But this is all I can do..tell you that, yes, you are being treated badly. That you need to reassess your life and let him get with the program. *kiss* Luv ya sis....its gonna be ok, one way or another. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 I like what DN said! Have you made any friends in this new city? Do you think maybe you have other stuff going on (homesickness) that you are projecting on him? I have a few friends... Im not home sick at all tho. I love living here... I hate being so isolated... I live in the middle of nowhere becuase Macca wanted me to live close to him... so he could come see me easily... yeah... right... Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Your not going to crack sis. But you are being taken for granted. I don't know Macca's problem. I don't know if he has commitment issues, was burned once too many times...or is just shallow and selfish. But its time to start thinking of yourself. You need to pull away from him a bit, solidify your own life. Do a light NC where you don't contact him. He HAS to come to you! To me, it sounds like your sacrificing your life to be part of his. Thats not a relationship sis. A couple walks side by side through life...not one tagging along behind the other. commitment issues because of his ex it really hurt when he brought her up when we were talking about "us" on friday... she had a breakdown and he is scared it was becuase of him... I didnt have the heart to tell him I had a break-down cos of him when I was 15. I understand learning from ex;s... I dont see why I should have to pay for their screwed up relationship tho. Link to comment
jengh Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I think, considering he won't LISTEN to you when you try and talk to him, it would be acceptable to email him. It's so much easier getting all of your thoughts down on paper (or screen). Lay it all out there for him. I'm sorry, Eva... You seem really happy with him overall, though, right? I mean, aside from the love issue and initiation, he treats you well, you have fun with him.... Don't give up on this one Link to comment
jengh Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 \. I understand learning from ex;s... I dont see why I should have to pay for their screwed up relationship tho. Ughh, and you SHOULDNT... this is the same deal with me and Mike. I feel like Im being blamed for his exwife. Definitely tell him that you are NOT his ex. You are wonderful, beautiful, funny, caring, loving Eva!! Link to comment
DN Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Do you think it would be ok to email him? when I try to talk I get all tongue tied and screw it up... What I suggested you might say should be the opening up of a dialogue and I don't think an e-mail will do that. Much better face to face because that way body-language, facial expression and tone of voice should help you understand each other better.. You could always practice what you are going to say. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 What I suggested you might say should be the opening up of a dialogue and I don't think an e-mail will do that. Much better face to face because that way body-language, facial expression and tone of voice should help you understand each other better.. You could always practice what you are going to say. I did on friday, I rehursed over and over again, but as soon as I came to say it I coudlnt talk... Link to comment
jengh Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 What I suggested you might say should be the opening up of a dialogue and I don't think an e-mail will do that. Much better face to face because that way body-language, facial expression and tone of voice should help you understand each other better.. You could always practice what you are going to say. But from everything she's told me and said on here, it doesn't seem like he's going to listen if she tries to tell him in person... Unless you sit him down and say, "I have something to say. Idon't want to be interrupted until I'm finished. It's important so shut up!" and even then, he'll still probably interrupt... At least, that's how it's been in my experience. Maybe Macca's different Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 But from everything she's told me and said on here, it doesn't seem like he's going to listen if she tries to tell him in person... Unless you sit him down and say, "I have something to say. Idon't want to be interrupted until I'm finished. It's important so shut up!" and even then, he'll still probably interrupt... At least, that's how it's been in my experience. Maybe Macca's different He probably would listen, hes not mean... but I wouldnt remember everything I needed to say Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hey Eva I am wondering ... what would be your ideal result from the conversation? And apart from on Friday, have you had conversations like these before? Link to comment
jengh Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 He probably would listen, hes not mean... but I wouldnt remember everything I needed to say write it down? sounds lame but it would work.... Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I agree, write it all down in a letter, but then instead of sending it to him read it to him. That will help a lot I think. Also, maybe you should start developing your own life and getting involved in your own activities. Then it wouldn't all just be around HIS schedule. If he wants to see you, he has to take yours into consideration too. I think part of the problem is that he knows that if he wants to see you, you're there. So he can go do what he wants and see you when he wants. But if he didn't have that option anymore, his behavior might change. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hey Eva I am wondering ... what would be your ideal result from the conversation? And apart from on Friday, have you had conversations like these before? we have talked before... when he has done something horrible I can tell him why it hurts and stuff and he listens and takes it on board... but he seemed to think that I was trying to tell him he was doing something terrible on friday, when I was just trying to show him how I feel. It started off with "Macca, I need to to be a bit more vebose in how you feel about me, ok?" "ok... but dont I already tell you?" it went on from there... as soon as I get into conflict my brain freezes, I have no idea what to say. ideal result? He would start getting in touch first, not just (occasionally) replying to me. He would realise how much it sucks that I feel second best... like Im only around becuase there is no one else better to hang out with. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Yeah, I might write a letter, I would feel like such a dork reading it tho. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 A letter is a good idea. Especially since everything is written down, not only will you be able to hit all your points, if he interrupts, you can refer back and you have a written copy of what you said in case he twists it. Also, if you are reading it, you are less likely to ramble and digress. Put it in sections. a) How I feel in this relationship. b) What I need from this relationship c) Where I would like this relationship to go. ect... Link to comment
jengh Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Yeah, I might write a letter, I would feel like such a dork reading it tho. lol, yeah I know what you mean... the idea DOES sound dorky but put that aside and just go for it--at least, like someone else said, you won't start rambling and babbling. Link to comment
sophie274 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 we have talked before... when he has done something horrible I can tell him why it hurts and stuff and he listens and takes it on board... but he seemed to think that I was trying to tell him he was doing something terrible on friday, when I was just trying to show him how I feel. It started off with "Macca, I need to to be a bit more vebose in how you feel about me, ok?" "ok... but dont I already tell you?" it went on from there... as soon as I get into conflict my brain freezes, I have no idea what to say. ideal result? He would start getting in touch first, not just (occasionally) replying to me. He would realise how much it sucks that I feel second best... like Im only around becuase there is no one else better to hang out with. So I know this is going to sound really trite, but I have to admit the taking a bit of space has worked for me. You sort of have to do it on a leap of faith, that the other person does like you... but yes, I would try seeing what happens if you don't text him, if you wait for him to get in touch with you. I do think you two should discuss it, ideally in person. If you freeze when you're in conflict, maybe try to view it really as a conversation, not as an argument. I heard the word "love" mixed in there earlier - perhaps he got defensive because he thought you were expecting a love declaration. I would say what DN said, and then also try to contact him a bit less, wait for him a bit less, so that he might be able to notice the difference when you're not organizing everything. I'm not talking about punishing him, just doing what you need to do to not feel like he is taking advantage of you. I don't feel like this is very helpful, but it's my best shot! Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Im scared that would make him feel entirely defensive tho. I dont want to make him feel bad... I just dont want to feel so horrible in myself Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Yea it may feel dorky, but if it gets your point accross and gets him to really hear you, then it's worth a try, right? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Just take care not to word it in a way that comes accross as accusatory. Don't say "You make me crazy..." say "Sometimes I don't feel very happy" You can work on it and shift stuff around a lot before he needs to hear it. Link to comment
DN Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I do understand why you are reluctant to talk to him in person. But an e-mail or letter won't start a dialogue. Think it through as if you were him - - how would you respond to a letter like that? Reading it is some sort of compromise but I get a picture of a stilted and awkward reading and a somewhat bemused expression on his face. In this situation you are not the one who needs to do most of the talking anyway. Your job is to get him to talk. That is why I suggested that you say the words I gave you - you should say them and then be quiet and let him respond. You already know what you want from him and, unless he is stupid, he knows that as well. You need him to tell you what he wants - and perhaps he needs to know that. I strongly suggest that you do not give him any sort of ultimatum at this stage. Way too early for that. Link to comment
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