EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 I dont want to give him an ultimatumn... I just feel like its way to one sided atm. I have been so forgiving and accepting of what he is "like"... I am getting sick of it tho. I dont see why I should have to put up with being the instigator of EVERYTHING (including sex) just becuase he doesnt seem to give a rats heiney. He doesnt reply to texts, he thinks that leaving his phone at home is a good enough excuse to not get in touch when he said he would... except when he KNOWS we are supposed to meet up, he should make an effort to grab his phone, right? its not just once or twice, its ALL THE TIME... its sucking me dry. EDIT: I think the thing I am mostly scared of is that he will say its not worth the effort... Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Eva do you think it's worth the effort. You seem to be putting a lot in/up with a lot for an unequal return. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Eva do you think it's worth the effort. You seem to be putting a lot in/up with a lot for an unequal return. thats the thing, if he SEES how much I put up with, and he gives a little back, tis totally worth it. if he doesnt, then its not... EDIT: I also dont want to stress him out too much, I know he has a lot on his plate with uni and things Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 okay, so Im going to ask him to come over after work tonight How do I ask him to come over, and stress that its important, without making him feel put on the spot? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Eva, I think if you are feeling this way you have a right to get it out and to be heard. I understand that he is stressed, but part of a relationship is talking about it and dealing with conflicts that arise productively and together. I think DN is spot on about how to open this up to him and to allow him to verbalize what he's thinking. I'm worried, too though, that by you moving 'to the middle of nowhere' just 3 short months after dating him, and not knowing if he loves you or sees this going somewhere, may have been a bit of a premature leap on your part that put alot of unnecessary pressure on him and the relationship, especially where it's still so young. What do you think? Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Eva, I think if you are feeling this way you have a right to get it out and to be heard. I understand that he is stressed, but part of a relationship is talking about it and dealing with conflicts that arise productively and together. I think DN is spot on about how to open this up to him and to allow him to verbalize what he's thinking. I'm worried, too though, that by you moving 'to the middle of nowhere' just 3 short months after dating him, and not knowing if he loves you or sees this going somewhere, may have been a bit of a premature leap on your part that put alot of unnecessary pressure on him and the relationship, especially where it's still so young. What do you think? agreed I was looking to move to this city anyway... and when I was looking for a flat he asked me to move close to him (he lives out of the city) Plus, we have known eachother for years, so it was a bit of a different situation. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 agreed I was looking to move to this city anyway... and when I was looking for a flat he asked me to move close to him (he lives out of the city) Plus, we have known eachother for years, so it was a bit of a different situation. I guess what I am getting at, is if he is really the only one around where you live, and you are getting lonely and missing friends and wanting companionship.... is he the only one you can spend time with? Are there other things that might keep you busy, and help you to back off on the "do you love me" talks after just 3 months? It might help both you and the relationship if you were to enjoy other things and have an independent life other than him.... guys like a girl who's a mystery. Give him something to wonder about. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 I always get a little bit freaked if my other half says : "We need to have a talk; about us" but it works. At least then he knows & its not accusatory at all I jsut said "hey button, are you free to come over tonight?" If he HAS got uni work to do, then he has to do it Link to comment
shellshocked Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hey Eva, Sorry to hear you're going thru this right now. I know how it can feel.... You've gotten some really good replies here.. and i have to say, that i agree with Locke. that i'd like to take you up on a mountain somewhere and... wait, no....that wasn't the part. even tho i wouldn't mind it... (j/k) i agree with the part where he said to "pull back alittle bit". i think he's spot on with that. i think i would even do that maybe instead of giving him the "we need to talk" thing right now.. you've tried that before... so i'm thinking without even saying anything...pull back...just a little... relationships can be like magnets... when one person moves forward...the other moves away.. and then when the first person moves away...the other one comes toward them... you said you've been living there for 3 months now.. do you think you could take a long weekend soon and maybe go and visit some family or friends from where you moved from? might be good to have some old friends around and give him some time to miss YOU.... Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Stay strong sis...I've gotten to know you fairly well over these past months. I know there is a little hell-cat hiding inside you. Thats the part of yourself that you have to use. You need to get your dander up and talk to him flat out. Don't allow any rebuttal, no "but, but, but" or any other type of conversation. Say what you have to say, tell him just how important you are to him, and that while he may THINK you know, your not a mind reader and need to be TOLD flat-out how he feels. Then back off and leave it up to him. Don't be scared if he leaves...I'd wanna take a walk in order to sort my feelings and what I want to say. Just be blunt, put the ball in his court and let him do the rest. Good luck sis. Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Hi EG, sorry you feel like that. I tend to agree with much of what's been said so far, and also wanted to reinforce the idea of an in-person talk, as you're doing. If the thought of reading a letter aloud puts you off (and fair enough) I still suggest noting 5 dot points or so on a piece of paper to keep yourself on track. I don't think that's dorky, this is important to you to manage it well. Just one thing I wanted to note also: you said above something along the lines of when/if he sees how much you're doing, things are ok. I'm not sure if you meant that's what's happened in the past, or if that's what you're hoping for the future. Now I don't know Macca, but I do have a theory that you might need to be cautious with talking too much about what you have done for him and what you have put up with, even if you do it nicely. This may work to help him see how you love him (but he should know already right?) but if it's some sense of guilt you're trying to elicit I would say to steer clear. Guilt is not a positive emotion. It tends to make the person feeling guilty want to get rid of the source of their guilt, not draw it closer. He may well resent you and feel your words as pressure, even if that's nothing like what you intend. I understand you have concerns about how he has behaved, but I personally think you will get a lot further in your conversation if you phrase your opening lines with your positive feelings for him and the relationship, then move to a more concessionary (is that even a word?) approach that says "I realise I may have brought some of this on myself, but I have been feeling bad for reasons (a), (b) and © (make these about your feelings and perceptions, not what he has done). It's important for me that I feel a bit better about things and I am keen for your perspective...". Try to come up with solutions of your own as well, that is, things you will also do to improve your own situation and that of the relationship. Anyway, best of luck, you'll do fine . Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Say what you have to say, tell him just how important you are to him, and that while he may THINK you know, your not a mind reader and need to be TOLD flat-out how he feels. Then back off and leave it up to him. agreed... Its scary for me... he was the first guy that I was ever sucidial over. The guy I started cutting over... He is great, but he affects me in a way that I have'nt had with anyone else... its SO GOOD when its good, and its almost good when we are together but he makes me feel expendable, whereas he is irreplaceable to me... I will never forget the moment he first broke up with me (years ago) the first thorught through my mind was "i know where the matron hides the painkillers" :sad: I hate this but as soon as we are togheter I wonder what I was upset about... Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 How are you addressing these last points you raise EG? No wonder you are stressed, it sounds like a very precarious position you are in with putting all your self-esteem etc in the control of Macca. Even the best of men/women are not always up to that sort of responsibility. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but this is obviously a concerning state of affairs and I wonder if you are doing anything in the meantime to quietly reinforce your own protections and build yourself up so that you can cope better in case something did go awry between you and him. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 the middle paragraph is exactly why I have been quiet about it recently... I DONT want to make him feel guilty or bully him into doing what I want... I really just dont think he can see how it is from my side and I have no idea how to show him without looking like a cow. I KNOW he wants to make me happy, I just dont know how to show him what I need. Its really, really not hard to get me content... I have told him before, a text takes a minute, MAX to send, and it will be enough for a day, if he cant see me. He appreciates how I iwll just sit in his bed and read while he is studying... I know he likes my company... I just dont think he realises that the 12 hours I spent just being with him this weekend, being there to hold him when he got stressed over his assignment, would all be fine if he just texted me, made an effort, even a minimal one... Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 How are you addressing these last points you raise EG? No wonder you are stressed, it sounds like a very precarious position you are in with putting all your self-esteem etc in the control of Macca. Even the best of men/women are not always up to that sort of responsibility. I don't want to sound like I'm lecturing, but this is obviously a concerning state of affairs and I wonder if you are doing anything in the meantime to quietly reinforce your own protections and build yourself up so that you can cope better in case something did go awry between you and him. I havnt said anything about it to him... and I am trying to protect myself... but I know me and if it gets any more desperate Ill pull away completely, which isnt what I want Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 True, but I wonder if you are there too much? I know it sounds trite and it's been said before, but your best chance of having him appreciate you a little more is to be less available. Even if that means you're going for a long walk, whatever you need to do. I think you can have the chat without looking like a cow by the way, but I also think the real challenge is for you to take your "solutions" to him first and show him your own efforts to be more self-sufficient. Show him your high self-esteem (even if you are faking it) and your keen sense of your own responsibility for where things seem to be right now (once again, even if you are faking it ). By this last point I am not suggesting you apologise profusely, but try your best to be matter-of-fact and say "I think there are issues in my own perspective I need to change". Link to comment
Locke2121 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I will never forget the moment he first broke up with me (years ago) the first thorught through my mind was "i know where the matron hides the painkillers" Don't scare me like that ok sis? The world needs more Evas, not one less. No matter how good he makes you feel, no man, or woman for that matter, is worth killing yourself for! Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 ^^ Locke, I wouldnt... Im desperatly tyring to NOT be that person is asking him what he feels I need to change a good idea? I am TOTALLy willing to comprimise with this kind of thing Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 is asking him what he feels I need to change a good idea? Yes I think so. I don't mean this in terms of just doing what he wants or being a pushover, but you might get some useful insight into where his head is at by asking, and yet it does not put him on the defensive by confronting him with his own failings. However do not walk away with the only changes to be made on your side! This is your chance to negotiate what you would like to see differently too. By the way, one more thing. I see you said above that you have told him you would like him to be more verbose about his feelings for you. But some people just aren't like that, and they don't know how. This may be like asking Macca to sprout wings and fly. Have a think about the ways you think he shows love and appreciation. Now maybe it is verbal and he's fallen down on the job, fair enough. But he might also be one of those "show love through action" types. Have a think about the ways you can express your needs here and give him something to work with, and perhaps also ask him how he feels most comfortable expressing his feelings. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 Agreed for the most part, and I DO try to take that into account, a lot... but then I know he tells OTHER people things, which is very sweet, but I need to hear them!! and then I have told him I would like him to get in touch... and he doesnt... he only shows his feelings through actions when I have made the effort to be there... I dont want to get bitter, I ENJOY putting the effort in, I LIKE being a doting gf... but I would appreciate the same in return. Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 but then I know he tells OTHER people things, which is very sweet, but I need to hear them!! Things about them or you? As in, is he sharing his feelings about you with them, or his feelings about them? and then I have told him I would like him to get in touch... and he doesnt... he only shows his feelings through actions when I have made the effort to be there... It's awful to feel that it's about convenience for the other person. But you may well have also enabled this to date by trying so hard to be the great girlfriend type and by being too accommodating. Do you think this might be true? If it is, how can you change things? Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 Things about them or you? As in, is he sharing his feelings about you with them, or his feelings about them? about me to them... I really like it and all, I DO see how sweet it is, but I only hear about it if I walk in on the conversation... It's awful to feel that it's about convenience for the other person. But you may well have also enabled this to date by trying so hard to be the great girlfriend type and by being too accommodating. Do you think this might be true? If it is, how can you change things? I was thinking that, but the whole LC thing seems like game playing to me... I wish I could just tell him what I need and him to understand... I dont mind putting effort in, but I need it back, y'know? Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 Completely agree. Re the game playing, I also agree it's a slippery slope, but note that I am not really advocating game playing or LC in any true sense. What I mean is that your posts on this thread seem to show someone who has subjugated her life to her boyfriend (sorry if that is untrue or sounds harsh). Now that's not healthy for you and it's not healthy for your relationship. I personally think you need to do whatever you can to be sure you are building and developing your own life, just like Macca is. If you can do this you will be less bored and less lonely, and hopefully more fulfilled. This, combined with the fact that you are not always there at his beck and call, could well have a very positive effect on Macca's outlook on you and the relationship. I'm not saying to be rude or unavailable all the time, but just like he prioritises drinking with his buds over you sometimes (I've been there, and *ouch*), he needs to see you also occasionally prioritise your own pursuits. Link to comment
EvaGina Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 -hangs head- you are completely right... Its hard becuase I would PREFER to spend time with him over others... he is so much fun... but I know if I revolve around him Ill just drive myself insane... I do need to meet new people. Link to comment
caro33 Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I've had the same problems in the past, I can do some head hanging there too...Too bad when all you want to do is be with them, regardless of what they are doing! But it just isn't good for anyone. How do you think you might meet new people? Are there interests you could take up? Link to comment
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