I feel like Im just his wench...

[This Little Lady]

Hey Eva

 

My girlfriend is going through the same thing. I remembered this thread from before. Her boyfriend is being the same way. She broke it off and he wants her back. I was just kind of curious what happened in your situation?

[EvaGina]

Lil Lady... I had a few more bad nights, got angry, we came to an agreement, and then one night he turned up at 6.30 am, when I expected him to be there before midnight.

 

I told him to get the hell out, prettymuch put the fear of god into him... we talked, too, and I was rational, but ABSOLUTELY sick of him being so irresponsible... He has since pretty much quit drinking on weeknights (although he IS starting to slip back into that, so I suppose Ill see what happens) and is just basically being a darling.

 

It got A LOT better once he told me he loved me, too... I had a bit of a tanty about it, and he has just become the MOST amazing boyfriend -sigh-

 

Eva, if this is only a 3 month relationship, and you ALREADY feel as you do, then its probably best to make a clean break. If you are feeling taken for granted this early on (man, at 3 months, even MY gf was still in honeymoon mode) then what is it going to be like at 6 months?

 

You seem more than capable (from what I've read in your other threads) of landing a much higher caliber of partner. It might be best to break it off from a position of strength -- tell him everything you've told us, but take an "I'm tired of feeling like" standpoint.

 

lol, that was 3 months ago

anyways, it explains earlier in the thread why I am so invested in him... first love and all

[Locke2121]

although he IS starting to slip back into that, so I suppose Ill see what happens

 

OR...take the offensive. When he grabs a beer..or whatever, instead of letting him drink, take it out of his hand, kiss him hard enough to curl his toes and tell him you want him good and sober for later.

 

Just a suggestion.

[EvaGina]

OR...take the offensive. When he grabs a beer..or whatever, instead of letting him drink, take it out of his hand, kiss him hard enough to curl his toes and tell him you want him good and sober for later.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

lol

well he asked last night if it was ok, and I said no, that was cool

but then he came up and explained he wanted to have a drink with his boss becuase he was quitting... so that was sweet.

 

hes respectfull

and he drank last week, all 3 days he worked, when I found out I told him I wouldnt stand for it again and that its a waste of money, he was cool about it, he knows I wont stand for stupidity

[SarahRose]

He's an alcoholic and needs help with it. I doubt he would though.

 

It sounds like you are giving a whole lot and getting very little.

[EvaGina]

whoa did you read the thread?

no everyone needs help with alcoholism, he fully accepts he has a problem and he is doing really well.

[Locke2121]

lol

well he asked last night if it was ok, and I said no, that was cool

but then he came up and explained he wanted to have a drink with his boss becuase he was quitting... so that was sweet.

 

hes respectfull

and he drank last week, all 3 days he worked, when I found out I told him I wouldnt stand for it again and that its a waste of money, he was cool about it, he knows I wont stand for stupidity

 

Then he isn't exactly boozing...more like light social drinking.

[EvaGina]

Then he isn't exactly boozing...more like light social drinking.

 

yep

but I just dont want it to escalate... y'know?

it was ALWAYS light social drinking... just one, then two, then three, then a dozen...

[This Little Lady]

Haha alcohol isn't too much of a problem with the couple I'm talking about.

 

I think its more of the girl doesn't know whether to believe her boyfriend now because it took a break up to get him to say he loves her and be all lovey dovey. I think part of her doesn't want to make it work though. Where as with you and Macca you want to make it work.

 

There were similarities with the whole being taken for granted stuff as well.

 

I'm soo glad things are going well!!! I know what its like dealing with someone

who does quite a bit of social drinking. Sometimes it takes a slap in the face to get them motivated to stop.

[SarahRose]

whoa did you read the thread?

no everyone needs help with alcoholism, he fully accepts he has a problem and he is doing really well.

 

 

Yes I read the entire thread. One two three then a dozen isn't light social drinking. How exactly is he doing really well? You just wrote this today, "pretty much quit drinking on weeknights (although he IS starting to slip back into that,"

 

It might not be a bad idea to read up on alcoholism.

[This Little Lady]

I think its totally possible for someone to be doing alot better. I think my brother is living proof of that. I mean he was full fledged alcoholic. I mean more than 4 or 5 a night. It took a big slap in the face to get him to cut down. Let me tell you when he cut down he cut down a lot. For someone to take the steps to change is an accomplishment.

[EvaGina]

^^ agreed!!! I mean, I was NEVER sober... I couldnt handle leaving the house if I was... drinking daily for a few years...

I dont need to drink at all now, I still feel the tug, but I dont NEED it...

he doesnt take me for granted anymore... I just dont think he has ever had anyone really care for him or be hurt by his actions, outside of manipulation and a bruised ego.

 

Yes I read the entire thread. One two three then a dozen isn't light social drinking. How exactly is he doing really well? You just wrote this today, "pretty much quit drinking on weeknights (although he IS starting to slip back into that,"

 

It might not be a bad idea to read up on alcoholism.

 

I am an alcoholic... I know about it first hand.

Mat and I have a great relationship, he is respectfull, hes amazing... it was months ago that I posted this, and although the relationship was good then, its fantastic now.

 

Yes, he is slipping back into it, it happens when breaking most addictions. But I dont expect you to believe me, becuase you dont know us, you dont know what is happening in our lives now and what has happened since this thread died.

 

But thanks for the concern

[This Little Lady]

I think its really amazing that you two pulled through that situation. So many people just give up and assume a person will never change their addicted ways.

[Locke2121]

Then you need to be his safety valve Sis. I know you don't want to babysit a grown man, nobody does. But if he is having problems stopping after one or two, then help him, gentle reminders, setting a limit and helping him stick to it..thats the key!

[EvaGina]

Then you need to be his safety valve Sis. I know you don't want to babysit a grown man, nobody does. But if he is having problems stopping after one or two, then help him, gentle reminders, setting a limit and helping him stick to it..thats the key!

 

yep

I didnt see him in the beginning of last week, he came over after work on wednesday and when I went to kiss him I could smell it. He straight away said he had had drinks the other nights too, all I did was ask him not to and he was absolutely complient, he apologised and said that he needs bringing into line sometimes.

 

I dont mother him, I know that hes an adult, and he knows what will happen if he screws me over.

 

I think hes finally understanding that getting trashed on the weekends isnt ideal either.

I will have to talk to him tonight tho, we had a plan and we arent sticking to it (I have been bad too, went for some drinks after my terrible doc appt the other night n stuff.)

 

and thanks Lil Lady, I dont feel its fair to not give ppl chances, but I dont want to be walked over, so its hard trying to figure out who is worth the effort sometimes...

[Locke2121]

Why not just ask for NA drinks? You can still take part in all the fun and party-life, but stay sober.

[This Little Lady]

I think though there is some power in having the ability to know when to say no. It shows you have control over your addiction and you know when to stop. True sometimes it gets out of hand. I don't think there is anything wrong with enjoying an occasional drink.

 

Yeah I totally know what you mean Eva When someone has kind of screwed you over the same way before its hard to learn how to give another that same chance when you kind of know the outcome.

[EvaGina]

If he thought he could never have another drink, he would freak, imo...

but Ill re-establish our "rules" tonight...

 

Ill also have to talk to him about weed, I told him I hated it becuase he would act really horrible while stoned... now he's stopped acting stupid, so hes started smoking aorund me again.

 

Its so frustrating, because he is SO smart, and he often says that he wonders what he would be like if he has never been stoned... but he keeps smoking!!!

 

anyways, itll be fine hes not angry or defensive or anything, and he really wants to be with me, so he tries when he knows something is important to me.

 

yer, LilLady... I have been with alchoholic guys before, but their whole additude was different.

[This Little Lady]

Yeah I hate it when pot smoking gets in the way of brilliant people. My best girlfriend had so much potential to become an amazing writer and artist. I suppose people assume it goes along with the whole artist thing.

 

A friend of mine told me to try it when ever I get overly stressed but it seems like more of an escape rather than dealing with it.

 

Thats really cool thats he's willing to change. Like you said alot of people have different attitudes about it.

[Locke2121]

so hes started smoking around me again

 

Agreed! Zero tolerance there! I realize that people drink every now and again...but drugs! Toss 'em!

[EvaGina]

Agreed! Zero tolerance there! I realize that people drink every now and again...but drugs! Toss 'em!

 

I dont mind the occasional weekend smoke, or even going out and having a few pills... imo, booze is worse than most illigal drugs.

but he smokes as a bonding thing with his dad and stuff... and during the week. It calms him down, he is REALLY insane and off the wall without it, which is what I like!! I came down here for the guy who could keep me in fits for HOURS on end... I told him that... I dno, there was a tinny in his room this morning... Ill talk to him...

[Locke2121]

tinny?? Whats that?

[sandyv]

If he thought he could never have another drink, he would freak, imo...

but Ill re-establish our "rules" tonight...

 

Ill also have to talk to him about weed, I told him I hated it becuase he would act really horrible while stoned... now he's stopped acting stupid, so hes started smoking aorund me again.

 

Its so frustrating, because he is SO smart, and he often says that he wonders what he would be like if he has never been stoned... but he keeps smoking!!!

 

anyways, itll be fine hes not angry or defensive or anything, and he really wants to be with me, so he tries when he knows something is important to me.

 

yer, LilLady... I have been with alchoholic guys before, but their whole additude was different.

 

Wow Eva-G, sounds kinda like Jack, he is an Artist/Actor..... and he also has ADD unfortunately, he smokes dope so he can concentrate on things, but I think also it makes him kinda nutz too..... I don't know what to think. The doctor says he can take something called Ritalin, (some kinda sedative) but smoke, is what he does...... makes him a little kooky though? Thats why I think we have a big communication problem as well.

[EvaGina]

a tinny is a foil... about $20 or $25 of weed

Wow Eva-G, sounds kinda like Jack, he is an Artist/Actor..... and he also has ADD unfortunately, he smokes dope so he can concentrate on things, but I think also it makes him kinda nutz too..... I don't know what to think. The doctor says he can take something called Ritalin, (some kinda sedative) but smoke, is what he does...... makes him a little kooky though? Thats why I think we have a big communication problem as well.

 

actually, ritalin is 50 to 70% speed.... weird huh? it does calm them down tho

the real, not stoned Mat is an AMAZING person, so much better than anyone I could ever hope to be... the stoned Mat is still great, but not the fireball he should be

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Eva eva eva eva!!!

 

you are such a SMART smart girl...what are you doing???? You are giving so much of yourself for a 3 month relationship?? Are you happy with this? does this make you feel good??

 

3 months in you two should be swooning over eachother..he should be knocking on your door wanting to spend TIME with you. You picked up your life to be with him and he chooses to drink and smoke pot??

 

You are going to get no where with him.. you can set all the rules you want, have all the conversations you want... you can tell him how you feel until you are blue in the face. Its not going to matter...he has an addiction..several it seems. Can you spend the rest of your life policing this man to behave as a normal adult who doesn't need drugs and alcohol to get by?

 

Let me tell you something...i was engaged to a man exactly like your BF- EXACTLY.

 

Do you know how much heartache i have endured because of the "potential" i saw in him?

 

Do not judge a man for his potential... judge him for who he is right now.

 

Are you happy? are you happy being with a man who "forgets" about you to go have a few beers with boys? are you happy being with a man that you have to police and set up "rules" for? Come on ..life is way too short.

 

Do you know you are in for a world of trouble with this guy?

 

I thought i could change my ex and "help" him...but all he did was hurt me over and over again and my self esteem crashed and burned..and i spent a year in therapy....and i still don't understand why i put so much effort into him.

 

Your post portray a woman who is strong minded, sure of herself, independent, confident....what are you doing? wake up ..seriously ..its not going to change and he's just going to drag you down ..way down.

 

and you cut on top of all of this... this is just another form of cutting ..staying in this relationship ..is causing you the pain you seek.

 

get out..take it from someone who has been there.

 

I dont mean to sound so harsh but i wish someone would have said .."hey wake up ..he is who is he is and you aren't going to change him"