Finding the guts to call it quits.

[JEAB]

I have a ton of issues going on at the same time. This is one of them.

My marriage is dull; I tried to fix it; he doesn't believe in therapy.

Our interests have become further and further apart in the 12 years together.

We didn't have sex for 6 years because I talked to someone, on a whim, who I had a previous relationship with. He was suspicious or jealous, I guess.

He never expresses his feelings toward me anymore. Doesn't buy me gifts anymore. I can't even remember the last time he told me he loves me or that I'm pretty. He is a good father to our 2 boys. He is a good provider.

Hard working and even helps around the house.

I am afraid to walk away. The insecurity. The children.

Where does one find the motivation, the guts to walk away?

[GQstatus]

He sounds a lot like my father before my mother divorced him. He never expressed his feelings to her, his idea of buying her gifts was her using his credit cards to buy herself gifts, but at the same time was a good dad to me and my brother and an excellent provider.

 

He refused marriage counseling until my mother finally told him she wanted to get separated, unfortunately by that time it was too late, her mind was already made up.

 

Have you tried point blank asking him what's up? Sitting him down, and just talking with him? Ask him why he doesn't compliment you, ask him why he doesn't want to have sex. I think that is the best approach, and if he can't express himself then, I think you need to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

[Daligal83]

Just because he doesn't believe in therapy doesn't mean that you can't go ahead and get some help. Therapists can work with just one partner in a marriage to help that person figure out what to do. This might be a good idea for you.

[ghost69]

try therapy. if nothing, leave anyways. unhappiness reflects on everyone around you.

[DN]

Do you love him?

 

if you do - have you told him you love him?

[bigheart09]

No sex in 6 years!! I am unhappy that my bf wont have sex with me and it has been 3 weeks...that is making me want to break up with him.

 

Anyway, obviously your situation is a lot more dire. Have you guys tried counseling?

[caro33]

I have a ton of issues going on at the same time. This is one of them.

My marriage is dull; I tried to fix it; he doesn't believe in therapy.

Our interests have become further and further apart in the 12 years together.

We didn't have sex for 6 years because I talked to someone, on a whim, who I had a previous relationship with. He was suspicious or jealous, I guess.

He never expresses his feelings toward me anymore. Doesn't buy me gifts anymore. I can't even remember the last time he told me he loves me or that I'm pretty. He is a good father to our 2 boys. He is a good provider.

Hard working and even helps around the house.

I am afraid to walk away. The insecurity. The children.

Where does one find the motivation, the guts to walk away?

 

Hi JEAB,

 

What do you want to do? It sounds like you have essentially given up: have you?

 

If we address each issue...

- No sex for 6 years for the reason that you talked to an ex? How did you guys discuss this at the time? Did you say you wanted to and he said "no" as a punishment? Did he actually say that it was because you talked to an ex? How did this get resolved? (how did he/you decided the time for no sex was over)?

- I'm not sure gifts matter as much as expressions of love. I'm with DN: do you tell him you love him?

- Is there any chance he thinks he is expressing love for you and the family by being a good provider and by helping around the house?

 

I would think that your honest answers to these questions (if you feel like answering them) would help sort out what is worth pursuing at this stage. However, I also think that seeking counselling, even if only for you, would be a good way to start sorting through your feelings and your options.

[JEAB]

Ya- I tell him I love him. He says " thats nice."

When I made advances toward him over those 6 years he found excuses- until I finally stopped trying (it took about 2 years of trying).

I told him in January that if that part of our marriage couldn't be resolved I would have to leave- thats when I found out about the Ex thing.

We've had sex 4x since then- but with a lot less passion.

Gifts- no anniversary, no birthday, no Christmas- not even a card.

[caro33]

Wow, from what you are saying he sounds very closed off. I can't really imagine it, sounds tough.

 

Do you think that some of this is a matter of communication that you alone can fix? I know that's a hard question, but I'm wondering if you going alone to counselling might have the capacity to show you different ways to try and "break through" to him, and how you would feel about that.

 

(Ideally, you'd both go to counselling, but I'm just trying to test what is perhaps currently within your own power to resolve this. I'm not trying to blame you either by the way, would hate for my questions to come accross as judging you.)

[JEAB]

He won't go to counseling- he believes he doesn't have a problem.

He is my, in essense, room mate with perks.

I'm afraid to be alone, and what about the kids? If it weren't for the kids I would have left. They are not suffering due to our lack of relationship- in fact my husband and I NEVER fight. There is nothing to fight over. We function except for passion, love and interests.

[caro33]

Do you think this is redeemable at all? Do you think there is more you could do to break through, or have you given up on personally being happy with him?

[JEAB]

Something in my gut tells me that I would be better off alone. I feel like I'm alone most of the time anyway.

However. . . the kids.

[caro33]

That's really tricky. If you stay for the kids then, I can't help but think it's worth doing whatever is in your power to at least improve things between you and your husband, if only for your own sake to be happier, to get control.

 

Would you go see a counsellor on your own to help give you the tools to manage this situation?

[chris585]

6 years without sex??? that seems a little over the top there JEAB. Sounds to me like someone here has someone else.....6 years??? theres no relationship there if its been that long, no closeness at all....no wonder you felt this way. Sounds to me like it was over a long time ago and youre going through the motions. Marriages can come back together if that line of communication is brought back in the picture. A night out, a hotel together, just the two of you will determine at least if youre both willing to start that path again.

[chris585]

Something in my gut tells me that I would be better off alone. I feel like I'm alone most of the time anyway.

However. . . the kids.

 

 

never stay in a marriage for the "kids"....in the end youll never be happy and waste all those years unhappy. youve spent this long being unhappy with the kids and him, you have to be blunt and upfront about YOU and how YOU feel in this...dont settle for that.

[ghost69]

Something in my gut tells me that I would be better off alone. I feel like I'm alone most of the time anyway.

However. . . the kids.

 

the kids will see your unhappiness eventually and it will rub off on them. it can be damaging to their future as well. also you said when you say you love him he says that's nice. not cool.

[JEAB]

So I asked my 13 y/o tonight how he perceives his dad and I-

he said "you guys are like "roommates". I never see you fight or hug, you always get stuff done. Dad does his thing and you do yours."

Its amazing how perceptive he is.

 

I think therapy will only amplify what I already know about my husband. He was never overly romantic, emotional or expressive- but it has gotten worse over the years.

I don't think he's cheated on me- I have wanted to cheat on him- only because 6 years was too long!

 

The whole leaving process is so complicated. Isn't it easier just to stay?

[caro33]

Isn't it easier just to stay?

 

Only you can make that call.

 

It depends how much this is damaging you and the knock-on effects for the kids. If you're miserable it's not a great message for them - live your life for others even if it's not right for you. You have only so many days on this earth, there's a part of me that wants to implore you to look at this really hard and ask yourself if it's worth it. People get divorced, they have blended families. It can work.

 

On the other hand, who am I to suggest you up and leave and go through the turmoil of breaking up the family. It's a huge decision and not one I've had to make. The issues of your support, finances, accommodation could be a big deal, it depends on your circumstances. If the children seem happy and you believe you need to stay for their sake it's your prerogative as their mother to make that choice. But in that case, that's where I am suggesting that you need to find a way to live with this, even improve it if you can.

 

Not an easy choice I'm sure. Do you have solid options should you decided to end the marriage? Will you and the children be take care of or will it be a massive struggle?

[ghost69]

it easy to just stay. but when will your mind be at ease?

[SummerGirl38]

Well I can't tell you what to do here, but I will share my experience with you...

 

I was married once, same as you, we grew apart, wanted different things, sex was rare at best. My Ex was verbally abusive in addition to the rest of the problems.

 

I had it all, didn't have to work, had the credit cards, nice house, nice car and I left it all, BECAUSE I WASN'T HAPPY.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I would rather be with the poor man struggling and happy than with the rich guy and absolutely miserable.

[JEAB]

I'm not really miserable, I just know I could be happier. I know I could be loved and appreciated more.

BUT what if I get out there and all my hopes and aspirations fall short of what I need? Isn't the security of finances and a roof over my head in a so-so relationship better than being alone?

[ghost69]

no way. i'd be out asap.

[SummerGirl38]

I'm not really miserable, I just know I could be happier. I know I could be loved and appreciated more.

BUT what if I get out there and all my hopes and aspirations fall short of what I need? Isn't the security of finances and a roof over my head in a so-so relationship better than being alone?

 

Not in my opinion. I went from stinkin rich to dirt poor, making $6/hr and I supported myself. MONEY ISN'T EVERYTHING

 

A lot has changed since then, I make much more $ now, but I'd do it all over again. There isn't one thing in this world more important to me than my happiness. You only go round once.

[ghost69]

this is true summer. i would sacrifice a lot for the right person.

[arwen]

He won't go to counseling- he believes he doesn't have a problem.

He is my, in essense, room mate with perks.

I'm afraid to be alone, and what about the kids? If it weren't for the kids I would have left. They are not suffering due to our lack of relationship- in fact my husband and I NEVER fight. There is nothing to fight over. We function except for passion, love and interests.

 

Girl, I get cold shiverings when I read this post. It reminds me of something someone said to me at ENA a while ago. That in fact love and hate are only separated by a very thin line. The worst thing in a marriage is not hate (although that's very bad too, but that would need love to begin with), but indifference. You say that he replies an "I love you" with 'that's nice'. That must kill you inside. I am so sorry. I think that in fact, if he's not willing to do any form of therapy, and nothing changes, it may be better to announce your plans of leaving him. Maybe that will at least open his eyes and make him realize that he can loose you. If THAT does not change his attitude towards you and the marriage, I think that leaving and creating a happier life for yourself can be a good consideration. Of course, with the children involved, this is not an easy decision to make. On the other hand, I know from friends with divorced parents that no one benefits from parents who are completely indifferent towards each other.

 

Arwen