Finding the guts to call it quits.

[JEAB]

The worst thing in a marriage is not hate (although that's very bad too, but that would need love to begin with), but indifference. You say that he replies an "I love you" with 'that's nice'. That must kill you inside.

Arwen

 

 

You nailed it.

[keytwist]

I'd like to add (yet another) thing for you to think about. Would you want your kids to have a relationship like the one you and your husband have?

 

I'm recently married, and my husband and I find that neither of us want the relationships that our parents had. The trick is that they were our relationship role-models, and we are constantly fighting against slipping into the things that we grew up seeing.

 

I guess I'm echoing your previous post about how kids are really observant (and at 13, your son is teetering on the edge of young adult-hood). They internalize more than we realize, I think, and I also think there are a lot of different ways you can set a good example. Stability and functioning are very important, but so is following your heart and being passionate. I guess, whatever you decide, make sure you talk to your kids about your reasoning.

 

Thanks for sharing, and for listening.

[tulipan]

JEAB, I've been reading this thread. you're in a very similar situation to me. my partner and I (not married, he's divorced and was when I met him) didn't have sex for four years since our daughter was born and since then only rarely, i.e. maybe every 3 months. to be honest I wanted to leave him because of his coldness and unresponsiveness to me when I was pregnant and many times since because of how hurt and unhappy I've been at how he's treated me (cold, withdrawn). but still I'm here because like you I don't have the courage to go through with it. it's not easy when you have kids and stability for their sakes is a huge part of it. plus he's a good father to our daughter and reponsible financially, helps around the house etc.. my sister told me recently I seem like I'm sleepwalking through life. I get the feeling you might feel like that too. it's the apathy and indifference of it all. anyway, just want to let you know I understand what you're going through and to other posters who've left unhappy relationships despite comfort and security I am heartened by your stories, you took risks which sound like they paid off. I was reading a website today about the difference between victims and martyrs. Martyrs differ from victims in that they know they are being badly treated and are unhappy but continue to stay in that situation anyway even though they could leave. I suppose another definition is sacrificing self for others. Is that such a bad thing? Parenting is a lot about self sacrifice. Guess you and I are martyrs JEAB! I'm not proud of it but still am not really up for leaving either. my situation is complicated also in that my partner and I are not from the same country and I live in his so future residency for our child could be an issue and I'm not sure I could survive alone in his country. lots of weights on the scales.

[JEAB]

My parents even comment that they wonder how I get up in the morning. I always look tired and dazed. I feel like I chose a path; I know there is a better, more pleasant route; but I already started the trip. Martyr is a good word. Things are more complicated by the fact that my indifferent husband has willingly taken in my first born, who was the result of a rape. My husband IS a good man; but I feel so lonely.

[tulipan]

my heart goes out to you. it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I am truly sorry you suffered such a traumatic experience. do you feel you owe your husband now? does it affect how things are between you. I can understand your need for stability and security after so much previous upheaval. have you had counselling? you don't need to carry it all alone. you sound like a good person and your husband sounds like a good man. maybe you need to accept his distance and try approaching him more as a friend than a lover or a potential source of comfort. it's not easy I know but I have found that when I stop expecting so much from my partner I stop feeling so angry at him for not fulfilling my emotional needs (although I do know they need to be fulfilled!) and I can communicate more easily with him. more on an equal basis if you know what I mean. the loneliness is hard. I know it well. but you can reach out. find support. find new hobbies. new people to meet. don't focus on the relationship so much.

[JEAB]

Thanks. I do feel as if I OWE him. He was willing to cope with me at a time when I didn't think anyone would. But the chivalry has been over for a long time.

We don't share any interests- his and my hobbies separate us- not bring us closer. I never had the chance to live alone and really feel like I missed out on something- I've been dependent on others for my happiness and "rescuing me".

Therapy leaves me invigorated for about a day- then its back to the same. He refuses to go to therapy. Apparently "Therapy is for P*$$#s".