Who actually really heals?

[kate111]

My exex whose heart I broke told me that he was glad we broke up as it forced him to become a better person. He said everyone should be miserably dumped once in their lives so they can feel proper empathy.

 

I am going to celebrate the aspects to my life that I stifled during the relationship. Read books, learn what I like doing, meet new people, take risks, and try to enjoy life.

 

For the first time in my life I am going to try to nurture myself and start growing as an individual BEFORE I jump into a new relationship to fill the void. I'm planning to have a love affair with myself.

[SadOldMan]

kate111: Nice words. Don't just say them though, 'do' them. I have changed so much in my life so far, since my break up. A lot of self analysis etc. My first holiday abroad is in 27 days. I'm so excited about my life. I miss my ex so much but there's nothing I can do about that. She dumped me. I'm taking actions to move on....become a better person (hopefully) and just try to enjoy myself and life a little better. I wish you all the happiness in the world. Good luck

[shes2smart]

Been both dumper and dumpee. Dumper more often.

 

Healed just fine, thanks.

 

Learned a lot and eventually learned enough that I was capable of creating a healthy relationship and also selecting a partner who was capable of creating a healthy relationship, too.

 

No matter which set of shoes I was wearing -- dumper or dumpee -- there followed a period of introspection, reflection, and growth...often times aided by a professional therapist.

 

It's not so much if you're the dumper or dumpee that determines whether you become a better person after a break-up, but rather it is what you choose to do with those experiences and how you choose to view them that determines how you will heal and grow.

[Beyondthesea]

I've been both and healed as both.

 

I guess though I was with someone horribly abusive and dumped him, so I was given a LOT of room to grow from that situation. I think if you were in a 'normal' situation it would be harder to grow as the dumpee...

[beebee]

this is a tough question... and intriguing...

 

ive been both dumper and dumpee and as the dumper i felt such relief... a big huge sigh of relief... with that also was the realization that i must have had my head examined for even being in the relationship... like, "what the hell was i thinking?"... lol...

as the dumpee, it was painful... really really painful... its hard to move on, etc etc... it does force you to examine yourself closely but it also leaves you with so many unanswered questions... again, maybe it is ego... i only felt betrayal, not ego... are they the same thing?...

[This is Horrible]

i broke NC on thursday night (smacks myself in back of the head) and she was very upset...crying, saying she is not over me yet and she wonders about me all the time and what i am doing and how i am doing.

 

it was a huge step back for me breaking NC because i was healing...healing slowly, but getting better day by day. the last few days have been agonozing for me because i broke NC. i dont know how she is taking this now.

 

i will not contact her now for a long time, if not again.

 

she was the dumper, but i hope that not having me around will make her realize that it is hard to find a guy like me who would do anything in the world for her.

 

she may realize that, and she may not. i cant worry about it though. i just have to work on myself and make myself the best person i can be.

[itsallgrand]

I am healing and it feels really good. A simple break-up apparently wasn't enough to spur me to action, but a proper having-the-rug-pulled-from-under-my-feet did it.

My nature is such that I can not stand by passively when another starts trying to call the shots for me....It made me move and stand up strong when he decided it was 'within his rights' to make decisions that would seriously impact me without my consent or knowledge.

I decided right then and there that he no longer had a say in what I would choose. So I was liberated!

 

Where am I? Not quite a butterfly, but more like a polar bear coming out of hibernation. Time to chow down, play, explore.

 

I've learned that healing is in my power. Next time, I don't intend on waiting for an explosion in my face before accepting things for what they are. I can control the pace to a certain degree instead of getting in my own way.

And if I get in my own way...I'll do it knowing I'm choosing it. lol.

 

Letting go consciously is a beautiful experience. It is a new one for me. I really like it.

 

Also, I am at a point where I feel very strengthened that if you follow your own self you can not go wrong. Not to take stuff personally.

 

I am proud of myself for seperating his garbage from my garbage. I was doing double duty trying to carry both of our loads.

That was not a loving thing to do. For him, nor for me.

 

What I have taken out of this whole experience is that there is no good reason not to love, to hold back. I've analyzed it to death, searched my heart and soul, and it just hurts people.

I don't want to hurt people.

 

Really, it is a blessing. I am finding what I was put on this earth to do. I was oblivious before.

[mariab.]

I think as a dumper I just "dropped" them b/c they all did enough nasty things to make me not want to be w/ them (alcoholism, inmaturity, abuse) . I think as a dumpee I have am learning so so much more really looking inside myself. It sucks b/c we broke up really over where we were in our lives, not any major conflicts or even compatability. IMO, th dumpee is the one that is handed that oppurtunity to change and move all their bad energy.

[redsuede]

Dumper feels being powerful.

Dumpee feels like you have saturated your soul in hell.

 

Dumpee IMO gets the most work done.

[mariab.]

The dumper also goes throught this I am strong period, aka the honeymoon I am free stage, but then the questions about the ex start: its only natural, especially if the dumpee has cut off all contact. The dumpee I think gets the better deal-sure you feel that you are going through a fog of pain, your heart is broken and needs to be mended but then sunshine appears and you realize that you are all right you made it through- if the dumpee allows inner peace and growth only attained through self-reflection for healing- which has to be done as they are hurting- I think the dumpee is the one that is better prepared to live their life and also to embark in a new realtionship with a new view. I have never grown as a dumper as much as I have as a dumpee.

[This is Horrible]

i have come a long way in a little less than three months.

 

i went from not being able to function the first few weeks to now, where i am 40 pounds lighter because i am running 8 miles a day. i am eating better because there are no more big dinner dates. i am working on all of the things i need to work on to make me a better person. my character defects are still there, but i work on those daily too. i am getting my confidence and self esteem back but i am also realizing that i do not need to have a girlfriend to lead a fullfilling life.

 

i am not going to sit here and say that the relationship i was in ended with me having no fault. thats not true at all....i was plenty at fault, but i can now look back with a clear mind and see what my part was in ending of the relationship and whenever the next relationship comes along i will be sure not to repeat my mistakes.

 

i think that is why the dumpee can potentially heal more, but there is a course of action that must be taken in order for the dumpee to benefit from a breakup. sitting around feeling sorry for yourself after being dumped will get you no where.

 

if the dumpee takes the right course of action and doesnt look back i think they will heal more because the fate of the relationship ended in the dumpers hands and theyll always wind up with the "what if i didnt do that" question.

[bird]

I've had two serious romantic relationships in my life.

 

My experience in the first (as dumper) was that I threw myself into another relationship, which ended up being short-lived. I didn't process the breakup or learn/grow in any way.

 

My more recent experience (as dumpee) has been, surprisingly, immensely gratifying. There have been hard times, but through these I've regained my self-confidence, self-respect, sense of humor/adventure/openness/joy, and I feel tremendously optimistic about the future. I lost 20# from being more active, and I'm making new friends and trying new activities, and am so grateful for how things are turning out for me.

 

The dumper in this case threw himself into another relationship (shortly before said dumping), and I believe it's been a struggle for him. Time will tell, but it isn't my concern anymore...