mariab. Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 And what I mean is, the dumpee or dumper? Or even more personal what have you learned about healing during a break up? It seems to me that people that get dumped are forced to heal, so they actually end up bettering themselves (unless you were a bad bad partner-cheating, abuse etc). The people that do the dumping don't necessarily Not heal, but move into a twilight? zone, where that person feels it is all right to have the ex as a back-up plan, never fully letting go..When you are dumped you are forced to look into your life and make it better, whereas the dumper in some cases just keeps living their life, only without their partner. (and I should clarify this is more for single people than marrieds) I guess I am trying to ask for people to give their deep personal achievement insights about how they have healed whether they have been dumped or do the dumping etc. I think that if you are in a mature relationship, alot of times someone will get try to contact the other one after a period and I feel that alot of the times the person that got dumped is the one that realizes they are over that person. Hope I make sense and this question is really about us as people dealing with our problems as opposed to (dumper vs dumpee)..Just want some input guys about what we have really really learned so far..cheers Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Hey mariab. what's up? Hope you're doing better. I've come to think of my healing process as a kind of climate change in my heart. Once my insides were all verdant and full of life, but then she left and desertification quickly followed. Over the months alone I've been forced to irrigate the silences of my heart with introspection. I'm starting to realize again that I'm not a bad guy, that I treated her kindly, and that it's her loss. I haven't seen any sprigs of hopeful green sprouting in my personal wasteland yet, but at least I'm keeping an eye out. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 What actually really heals? Taking responsibility for one's life by aknowledging one's self as who they are, as well as having a willingness to grow. When I understand my mistakes as being just that, mistakes, then I usually forgive myself, and allow myself to actually heal and then positively grow. Link to comment
mariab. Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 great great but still, mistakes and examinations are one thing: what about you??? where are you? Pain, realization, deepness...turn it over to happiness and release..For me (on a personal level -all of the above) Right now, if I as a biographer where to come up to you=-what would you say? My life right now is.... I guess that's what I am curious about, where we are standing Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 My life right now is very dynamic, I'm in a period of metamorphosis. Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 My life right now is...solitary and sometimes painful, but not a mess. I'm relearning how to be happy alone- like a person learning to talk again after a stroke. Link to comment
cchurting Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I've been the dumper and the dumpee. I healed more as the dumpee. Link to comment
Spugly Fuglet Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 My life right now is very dynamic, I'm in a period of metamorphosis. Reds becoming a butterfly :scatter: I did marred now with kid on the way, happy and over the "love of my life" thank the grate maker and would never go back as well Link to comment
GoSox07 Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Intersting thread. I would say that you can't generalize who has an easier time "healing" - every situation is different. In my case (dumped 6 weeks ago) neither one of us has healed. I was initially crushed and spent the past few weeks "plotting" how to reconcile - using LC, being friendly, etc. My ex-GF may have had it worse. She was so broken up about it her parents had to fly down to stay with her - she said at one point she almost got a cat because she was so lonely. In our situation, there was no abuse, infidelity, etc. etc. - it was simply a case of a relationship becoming stagnant. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Reds becoming a butterfly :scatter: I did marred now with kid on the way, happy and over the "love of my life" thank the grate maker and would never go back as well Cute, really. Link to comment
mariab. Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 Isn't it so funny? We seem to find real true happiness after the " I will never love like that again" feeling has been retired... Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 It takes a long time to retire though...like Larry King. Link to comment
mariab. Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 hey you better pm me about Pans Labyrinth...but seriuosly, this is not about pain, but about you - where are you??!!besides the I am in pain crap, what about you? you! lessons Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I'm at the point where I'm strong enough to not take her back if she ever knocked on my door [well, this isn't really true]. Biggest lesson learnt: Not to expect someone else to be happy just because I am. Second biggest lesson: Be a tad more choosy in my choice of partner (although that's going to be hard when they all seem so great in the beginning). Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Oh, and I've learned that although I despise cliches time really does heal. Ugh.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................[head fell on keyboard]. Link to comment
TheRedQueen Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Oh, and I've learned that although I despise cliches time really does heal. Ugh.......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................[head fell on keyboard]. Hysterical. Link to comment
mcnani Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 i think it's hard to generalize who heals.. and in general i used to think that my ex (dumper) had just moved on, hadn't really hurt over it. however, since i started healing, i realized that i just really don't know-- and since i don't know it really doesn't matter. i suppose both heal in their own way, and look at it differently...for a dumpee healing may be self realization and working on themself (though I doubt that most dumpees do that) and getting over the person...and for a dumper healing probably just means getting over that person and getting on with their life the way they'd rather see it, and they are probably happy with just that (to them, no need for all the soul searching). i'm just making this up, i've never been a dumper... my statements are based on the behavior i observed of my ex and others ...and yeah... i agree. time does work.... but it doesn't do all the work. Link to comment
mariab. Posted March 4, 2007 Author Share Posted March 4, 2007 yes, what I was trying to get at is I guess- where are you and where have you been? Break ups they are hard.. we search for personal answers, anything really to rationalize the pain. And then comes the moment, when we get that flash of independence again .We go on then, we start to march to our own drummer..but who is left behind? hope its not too deep. Link to comment
devast Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 Reading through this thread made me think... I can't just go NC totally... I have to guide her thoughts to her realization... I really want her back but I am not getting any closure whether she is coming back or not... The way I see it... She's the kind who have moved on with her life by going each night late.. staying up late so she wouldn't think about me or us....So she's not getting her own point of breaking-up with me..."needs time"..."needs a rest"..."maybe someday we will still be what we hoped for before, married"... I Have learned a lot of realization and I sure want to do the right things and what it takes to make our relationship...perfect... But if I am not going to guide her with a little contact... I really am not going to get her back... Chances are she has to get dumped first before she realizes what we have or will have if she was just ready to work-out herself... Link to comment
isidore Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 "Guiding" her might blow up in your face, badly. Link to comment
mcnani Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 i think neither has to be "left behind", if both people are resolute about going on with their lives... whoever decides to get stuck in it is left behind, whoever has their ego hurt most, probably. i mean BEFORE, 4 months ago...yes, i was definitely left behind... just messed up. i think i'm still at the point where i'm starting to march to my own drummer (well i think right now i just started hearing the drummer).. so i'm trying to figure out where to go to get out of the rut that i had been in for the past 4 months. for me, where i am now: my ex is just a stain on my heart that's not that big a deal, but its there, and i know it. however i'm trying to just live my life and make it happy... where i WAS thinking about why he did this to me, wondering why he was already over me... now i've accepted it a lot more, and though i can't honestly say yet that i wish him happiness with a new partner (i'm working on not even thinking about that because when i do i still get a little agitated), i can say that i do wish him happiness, and i'm thankful for the things i learned from him because as much as they hurt before, they're not hurting me like that anymore, i'm ok now. how is it going for you? Link to comment
mcnani Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 p.s. devast, i agree with isidore, this could blow up in your face...make her angry and resentful... i think forcing contact on an ex who is trying to keep you out of their life wouldn't make them happy to talk to you... take your time, keep your distance and if she is ready to talk to you, wants to reconcile, it will actually mean something... if you're the one starting it, you won't know if she wants it or was coerced... and if she was just coerced, when she realizes she wasn't sure what she wanted, she'll leave... take time for yourself, just let yourself heal and know it won't happen right away, but u CAN move on from this girl. let her work this out on her own, a relationship can't work if one person is puttign all the effort into it (which would be you at this stage) Link to comment
devast Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 They say "its good to die fighting"...AAAAHHHHH.... Coz I have been a dumper before... I truly believed I didn't think back about the ex i dumped... I moved-on with my happiness found a new woman who made me realize my life and whether I did good in my past realizations only because I have been dumped and I am hurting with a lot of Qs which needs closure...Just like now... Link to comment
mcnani Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 yup, so devast is confirming what i thought...dumpers don't have to think about it (most of the time)...perhaps except the dumpers who were pretty emotionally invested (which is probably rarer) Link to comment
devast Posted March 4, 2007 Share Posted March 4, 2007 I agree thanks... I am sorry guys I was kinda "off topic"... Its just hard for me to think that she might come back only because she had been hurt or heartbroken by another to realize ours was worth-it... ok... What am I now? Wanting to make things right... to live with a happy marriage... but hopefully to my ex... I am just kinda tired of trial and error... Our issues are just workable... She just chose to back-out than working things out... Link to comment
.jpg.1626fbc48c04fd9021fd315819807524.thumb.jpg.882936eb5901fa05cf31c75617acde2e.jpg)
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now