Nothing at age 21 ! HELP

[loverallalone]

Ever since I could remember, I dreamed of that fairy tale prince.. that fairy tale romance. but now at age 21, it doesn't look like I'll ever have that fairytale. I never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever had my first kiss in my entire life.

 

It's the same old story really. 8th grade. no one (except for the 3 year crush who never liked me like that). "Well, I'll definitely find someone in highschool for sure," I thought. High school came and went with the many, many one-sided infatuations. senior year. still no one. "Well, all I need is a change of location. I'll surely find someone at college (out of state too!)" I thought. But even now, senior year of college.. still no one.

 

I've loved in college. I can definitely tell you that. It was one-sided. But it was real. And it hurt.

 

I've followed my passions. I've gone out and made a fair share of friends. I've developed my talents. I've been involved. I'm a good person. I have a lot going for myself.. and I have soooo much left to accomplish in life. I don't want to be too dependent or tied down to anything .. I want to live my life according to my terms. I can't wait for anybody to "complete me".. I complete myself !!

 

I've seen my friends in bad relationships. I've heard it all before. They tell me that its better to be alone, then to go through all the pains of neglectful/deceitful/bad boyfriends. I will be the "lucky" one who find someone. My first, according to them, will be nothing short of amazing.

 

I've heard it over and over again. But they're all excuses to ease the pain and to cover up the fact that I AM SCARED I will go through life.. alone. I'd rather trade one moment of being in a two-sided love (that may not last, "it's better to have loved and lost" as they say).. then a lifetime alone full of one-sided loves. ONE moment -- is that too much to ask?

 

Then there's the excuse I constantly tell myself.. I am too good for any of the guys I've met out there. I don't want to be easy. I don't want the one night stands. I don't just want a whatever relationship. I want something real. And if real means waiting forever.. then I'll wait.

 

Hell, might as well be a good relationship since I've waited this long without cashing in for a less meaningful relationship, right?!

 

Excuses. All excuses.

 

Those excuses don't cut it.. especially when I'm in my dorm on a Saturday night.. feeling sorry for myself. And wondering.. if I'm such a good person with so much going for me in life.. then why am I alone? Why is it that everyone out there is finding someone? Or someone is finding them? However way you look at it.. people are going places with their significant others. They are on chapter 10 or so of their love stories (multiple love stories I might add).. while I am still writing the damn epilogue in my own fairytale.

 

And I'm not saying I have high standards or something. I know love isn't perfect. I know my potential boyfriend doesn't have to be either. Give me a good mix of personality and style .. and I'll be hooked.

 

Seems like I am always the one chasing.. and never the one being chased. And we all know that it never works when the girl chases the guy.

 

I mean, fine. Maybe I could try harder to put myself out there. But c'mon I know plenty who "happened" to be at the right place or time.. and found someone.

 

All I want is one chance.. one opportunity. Why won't a guy just.. look at me and give me an opportunity? Is society so superficial?? Am I that so ugly that my drive and passions can't make up for it?

 

And no one tell me the old saying.. "how can anyone love you if you don't love yourself?" I've heard it.. and told myself that a million times. That's the one biggest load of bs I've ever heard of.. the biggest excuse you can tell yourself so that you feel better about being single. I mean.. there's a lot of people who don't love themselves out there, but grow to love themselves when someone comes along and loves them. I mean, am I not good enough to be loved just because I don't love myself?

 

Someone tell me something new out there.. cause it's getting far too lonely. And while I don't want any guy to define me.. it would be nice to have someone there for the support.. someone who puts me in the center of their universe.

 

Maybe I should just give up..

 

loverallalone* (username based on clay aiken's song "lover all alone" definitely described my current mood)

[Majin19]

Wow, sounds like something I could have written. Unfortunately, I can't tell you that it'll get better, but you're not the only one who feels that way. I completely sympathize with what you're going through.

[rocio]

you're young. you're normal. look around this website to see how many virgins and people who've never had boyfriends or girlfriends there are at your age.

 

If you don't love yourself, no guy can fix that. You are mistaken on that point.

 

I'm sorry you're scared and lonely. Hope things get better for you soon.

 

I'm sure you're not ugly. How do you present yourself? Do you carry yourself with shame - hunched over, little attention to your clothes and makeup? Because that can be a turn off. But as long as you're putting effort into the way you look, then your appearance is not a factor in your being single.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA loverallalone! Great to have you here...

 

I've been frustrated and said a lot of what you've said here before. I've heard similar rants too, many, many times before from many, many different people. It's normal, you're normal, and you are and will be just fine just like them...

 

You're going to experience a lot of "firsts" in your 20's. I think your 20's are when you really start developing into the person you will become, really start figuring things out, and really start living life. Unless you lock yourself in a room away from everyone for 10 years, it is pretty much inevitable.

 

I've followed my passions. I've gone out and made a fair share of friends. I've developed my talents. I've been involved. I'm a good person. I have a lot going for myself.. and I have soooo much left to accomplish in life. I don't want to be too dependent or tied down to anything .. I want to live my life according to my terms. I can't wait for anybody to "complete me".. I complete myself !!

 

And from what you wrote here, I'd say you are setting yourself up for these experiences quite nicely.

[Lily04]

hey sweetie,

 

i've felt the same for sure...I just turned 22 and never really had a bf....well I did have one, but it was more like I dated him because I just wanetd to say i had a bf. i'm sure u could do the same if you wanted, but want something more meaningful.

 

You sound like a great girl though. I'd say don't settle unless you really want to... just keep dating, looking after yourself, your health & interests, and you will find mr. right...it's inevitable. good luck.

[Altruist]

Its only a matter of time. You'll find someone. I admire you for taking your time and not settling for second best. I'm sure you look great.

[musicguy]

you aren't the only one in this position, there is a guy on here who's a year older than me and he hasn't had a girlfriend and the advice I gave to him is the advice I'll give to you, it's not your time yet. One day you're special man will come along and it's going to be great. I've had girlfriends and bad relationships, but I'm still waiting for my princess. So get out there and meet some guys

[Beyondthesea]

I was 26 before I met my fiance, it's not uncommon.

 

And I dated plenty in the meantime and you know what? I wish I hadn't! I wish I had spent more time being single, enjoying my own company and having a good time.

 

Get out there and enjoy life. Do activities you like to do, spend time doing things you want to do...you'll meet someone, wait and see.

[Alabama]

It is a good idea to enjoy yourself while your young. It isn't a good idea to keep dreaming,as that just wastes time. Enjoy yourself and be happy with what you have. Don't worry about finding Mr. Right now...have fun in life! You only get one, after all.

[Leonhart]

It may be common, as many of these folk say, but it sure does suck... wasting your Saturday night, sitting home alone, cursing your life. Been there, done that.

 

And I've heard of success stories of girls who chased the guy (the guys were always shy, in my examples.) One of which, was a (former) good friend of mine, who was asked out by the woman who is now his wife. They've been together for over 6 years now, or maybe longer even. The other, belongs to one of my mentors, a very intelligent guy, but shy with women. His wife (now) ended up taking an interest in him, asking him out and the rest is history. They've been married for 21 or 22 years now. So don't think it never works, because I've seen it and it does.

 

I wouldn't give up chasing (bad term, probably) men, just because it hasn't worked out before. Be different. So what if you are swimming against the stream? Everyone loves and underdog... and we both know, the underdog ALWAYS wins in the end. Always.

[Grosse vache]

I wouldn't give up chasing (bad term, probably) men, just because it hasn't worked out before.

 

Maybe you need to take your own advice? (replace "men" with "women" obviously)

[Leonhart]

I'm shy and emotional. Not all women mind doing the chasing. Some men do. thereforeeee, I think they would be further off going against the traditional gender roles nonsense.

[astromantic]

loverallalone - your rant pretty much exemplifies my own frustrations with the world. The difference would be I'm a year older than you and that I've grown a bit numb over the last year about relationships but it hasn't completely bothered me. I've never found anyone, the few men that I had feelings for could never return them to me but I'm less than two months from finishing my undergrad and my convocation is in the horizon and all I can think about now is how I will live out the rest of my 20s. Right now my concern is to find who I am in society, where will my role, as a responsible and intelligent adult be? My efforts to change and develop myself in University is much like yours - I went out of town for a change of setting, got involved in University, from student councils to resurrecting my school's student business publication; met tons of people, some of them have become my closest friends. I had my eyes opened and learned to be open-minded, accepting. There's so much more to look forward to. I'm in the midst of job hunting and again my eyes are open to how tough it can be, how much competition there is, how others are deciding to continue with school, some to travel the world, others to find a job and complete the rat race. I do not think I have nothing but I don't have it "all". I don't know if I ever will, maybe just not all at the same time? DO NOT say you have nothing at 21.

[Leon]

Wow... this is the first time I've met a girl with this problem..welll...yeah... That's about all I can say I geuss... It sucks doesn't it?

[loverallalone]

Thanks for that Wilhelm.. it was really helpful to hear that.

 

I definitely won't give up telling a guy how I feel.

[loverallalone]

You are completely right astromantic -- I have no right to say I have nothing. I just don't have it all. I am very blessed on so many levels and I recognize that fact... which is one of the reasons why I hate hitting this low. But this fear creeps in from time to time.. I can't help it.

 

What happens if we continue on this path of self-discovery (which is very commendable) and accomplish so much in the next decade, but find ourselves, alone, with no one by our side in the end. Here we are "with it all" in everyone else's eyes.. might even be on top of the world.. but with no one. And maybe it may be too early to judge that since we do not know who we'll meet in our respective fields in the future, but still.. I can't help but think I'll just be waiting forever.. hoping something crosses my path as I go conquer the world.

 

What sucks is that people are like.. go out there and look for him! You gotta be pro-active about it! But you know what? For people like us, there isn't any time to be active, I can't wait around and dedicate my time trying to pursue some guy. I have so much to do all the time .. it just needs to happen on its own, in its own time and place.

 

I know life isn't easy and that we can't have it our way all the time. But I just wish something would come along..

[EvaGina]

Those excuses don't cut it.. especially when I'm in my dorm on a Saturday night.. feeling sorry for myself.

 

You want to date hte pizza delivery guy?

You wont find anyone if you're not out in the action!!!

 

EDIT:

I just read your last post... and your first one sums it up... "excuses"... you either choose to do your study a bit hung over (or tired, if you dont drink) on the sunday, or you live with not having a bf...

 

Its not just that, you can meet people anywhere... ANYWHERE!!

Fer chissakes the guy who clicks my ticket on the train is eligable!!

Men are everywhjere!!!

[musicguy]

women are everywhere too, but they seem to pass me by, like I'm invisible

[Leonhart]

Try wearing hot pink. No one will fail to see you now. lol

[musicguy]

Try wearing hot pink. No one will fail to see you now. lol

 

hmmm... I might try that

[Invective]

I've seen my friends in bad relationships. I've heard it all before. They tell me that its better to be alone, then to go through all the pains of neglectful/deceitful/bad boyfriends. I will be the "lucky" one who find someone. My first, according to them, will be nothing short of amazing.

This sounds familiar. I was constantly single up until very recently (I'm 22), and I was so tired of hearing from all my coupled-up friends about being able to be happy within yourself. And when they'd break out of their 2-year relationships, they tell me how awesome being single is for a whole two weeks before they couple up with someone else ](*,) .

 

Seems like I am always the one chasing.. and never the one being chased. And we all know that it never works when the girl chases the guy.

*ahem* I have to be straight up mean here. Don't tell yourself this. It's foolish and untrue.

 

 

I think the only thing people on this board can type that'll possibly make you feel better is that, well... You're not the only one. Don't think that you are. 21 is still young to be finding actual romance, believe us.

[Lily04]

i'm in the same situation........22 and single. don't know if i should really wait for the 'right' guy or just date any guy even if i'm not totally 'satisfied' anymore.......so frustrating!!! There is one guy who i've been attracted to for a while, but I think he's sorta looking for the 'perfect' type as well, and I know we don't have "perfect" chemistry.......we have enough, in that I think he's cute, he's smart, we have similar personalities, etc... but I don't know, it's not like amazing chemistry?? maybe? so he hasn't really asked me out....well, he did about 2 months ago, but I didn't realize he was asking me out and sorta said I was busy and turned him down. Since then I've started to like him more but now he seems not interested....he wasn't that aggressive to begin with though, in terms of asking me out, and as i'm somewhat clueless with this i suppose i need that. If you don't ask me out in clear terms "do you want to go for a coffee afterwards' or something, i'm sorry, but i won't catch on.

 

secondly.....there are a few, maybe 3-5 guys right now, i could date but aren't 100% into either. i.e. they're cute, but not that smart, or confident, or just plain weird but really attractive and zany enough that we click somewhat.....you know what I mean? Partial chemistry, but not on all levels... not enough that I know it would last as a relationship. Not enough that i'm not sure i'd call him back.

But enough that i'd consider having sex with them if I weren't a virgin, as I am.

 

So i'm in a more difficult situation than most girls as well because of that.

 

Any advice for moi?

[dreamz]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thats just my story,the difference being I am 22 and i am a guy

I never had a gf ever in my life.

Yes i have tried going out to places,even tried my luck at online dating

And Yes i am sick of the fact that my friends keep telling me being single is soo good and ur free,u can have more time to urself,etc,etc

 

But sometimes u need someone,to hold ur hand,to play with ur hair.

Someone u can be crazy about,someone who is crazy about u.

I think its hard to understand for ppl who havnt been single for so long.

 

Anyways,coming back to the point

Miss loverallalone, as far as my opinion goes,i think there are some guys out there who wouldnt mind being chased. I would personally feel great if some girl was crazy about men asked me out

Maybe i am not the best guy to give u advice,but its just what i think

 

PS-Dont lose hope,its what keeps me alive

[musicguy]

I wanna be chased. I've always been the chaser

[Leonhart]

I wanna be chased. I've always been the chaser

 

Here, here!

 

*raises glass*