NC vs. Blase Harris "How to get your lover back"

[houdini]

Hello,

 

I've been reading the book by Blase Harris "How to get your lover back" It suggest in some instances to go against the preffered method of NC and self healing. The method Blase Harris speaks of is "loving your lover back,100%" which in some cases means contacting the ex with small well timed gestures (Cards, a flower, significant gifts that only she or he woud know the meaning)

 

This is all a bit confusing, I know NC is meant to heal ourselves,to move on and to give our ex's exactly what they asked for. The book is centered arround a dumpee that had done wrong (Neglected, fear of intimacy,rejected etc their partner) Which has been my case (Atleast this is what she told me her reasons for breaking up were). Is it possible to love your lover back? or is NC the only way to go for our own personal healing and to help our ex's see what they're missing or losing....

 

 

PS. Any comments about the book and success stories please let me know.

 

Thanks,

Houdini

[HyruleGuardian]

I think NC is the best way to go. I've been NC for about a week now and it's helped me heal and stop thinking about her. It's tough, but I'm trying my best to move on. The only thing I can hope for is she's doing the same and maybe misses me. If not, then I'm prepared to live my life without her.

[Dako]

I looked into similar books when I was hurting.

There are a number of writers who sell books to fix defunct relationsips, cure cancer and make you rich while stayng home raising kids. To desperate people, they're all worth a shot.

 

The sooner you accept it's over, the sooner you can heal.

[shes2smart]

Books like that tend to overlook the fact that your ex has a mind of his/her own and may really be done with the relationship.

 

Takes 2 to make a relationship work, and if one's decided they're done, that's pretty much the end of it.

 

If any of my exes had tried that crap on me, it'd only serve to annoy me and remind me of every single reason why I was done with the relationship. It would NOT make me miss them. If it had gotten to the point where I felt breaking up was the only option left, then I'm not going back no matter what they do. If they kept on contacting me after they'd been asked not to repeated times, I'd start thinkin' "stalker."

[in_love]

sorry to go off topic a little....

 

I think NC is used to help you gain your sense of self-respect and dignity back, to detach yourself from the situation. To help you become used to being by yourself again. The way you were before you started being in a relationship with someone.

 

But! I also think that depending on the situation and why a couple broke up can determine what may happen.

 

If its a case of one taking the other for granted and NOTHING else then of course NC will help to let the one who felt they needed out to see what they had and allow the one who was dumped to see how they became.

 

We hear all that 99.9% of the break-ups to reconcilation don't work out, I would like to rephrase that by saying most break-ups caused by infidelity, abuse, NO LOVE, disrespect etc... ya know, REAL PROBLEMS not just a case of boredom and routine DO NOT WORK OUT. However, especially in cases of "boredom" and one taking the other for granted, I have noticed a pattern. Only when the dumper (the one who took the other for granted) sees the dumpee moving on (stop trying) they suddenly start to question their decision... it's like "hey, he/she ain't hanging around for me anymore", they start thinking about the relationship... they begin to see the relationship for what it was and if the only problems you actually had were boredom and routine then it certainly starts to seem trivial and stupid, they begin to doubt and I'd say in cases like this it seems people generally work it out for the better in the long run.

 

Never black and white but I suppose the main ingredient had to have been there in the first place for it to work out in the end. That is LOVE.

 

Its daft to say people don't get back together and MOST reconciliations don't work out. It always depends on the people involved and no two situations are identical, because no two people are the same. If you go by the amount of success stories on this board, well I don't think thats a wise move. The world is populated with 6 billion people, ya know... Break-ups and reconciliations happen EVERY SINGLE DAY, some may not work some may work... who knows but it happens every day.

 

Positive change and keeping that change I say is the key to success. NC has allowed me to really see things clearly, I have been very very bad at maintaining NC but I have done it, failed tried again and still failed! But any time I do it I learn a little more about myself.

 

I have been given some fantastic advice recently. We are advised not to talk with the ex, I personally think if you love em, REALLY love em and can cope with it then by all means DO talk to them and keep in contact (let em contact you most of the time). Just love them and accept whatever they do... love is a weird thing and true love will always penetrate the hardest of shells.

"We love him, because he first loved us"

 

I ain't an expert like the boys MajorD or SuperDave, but I can tell ya one thing, if the love was there to begin with and you truly love your ex and your ex at one time TRULY loved you then don't give up but do give up trying!

 

I have made a conscious decision to NOT move on in a new relationship until my ex is firmly in a new one. I am at a stage now (4mths since break-up) where I feel ready to accept whatever happens. The madness of the emotions has died down, I feel ok being on my own, I feel used to it now. One thing remains though, and yes I have tried to date, I still love her to death and wont give up without giving my best effort to get her back. I wont try to get her back but I will continue to show her my love in the hope (not false hope cause it may never happen) that one day she realizes and makes the decision in her own time to try again.

 

It can happen, it happens every day but I expect nothing and personally think it is not gonna happen. But currently she is single and not dating so thats good enough for me.

[Dako]

If you really love your ex, you may reach a point where you accept the effort it took to end the relationship. You realize you had your chance to be your best, not under the duress after a breakup, but in the natural setting of a relationship.

In my case, I accpted the wishes of a woman I loved, because she was worth it. To torture her with calls, cards and flowers would be cruel.

I healed.

 

I realize some couples separate repeatedly. To me, these aren't breakups.

A breakup is when someone calmly says it's over forever, and has given it serious thought.

 

IMO, in those cases, relying on a paperback makes no sense.

[agent1607307371]

I think that if you were in a relationship where you rejected and neglected your partner, and she breaks up with you, keeping in contact and trying to make her see what she's missing (being neglected and rejected) is just more of the same disrespectful behaviour.

 

The only way your ex is going to look at you and want you back is if they're given time to heal, and they look at you and see you have really made changes to yourself (for yourself). Of course, they may never want you back, but the change will help in future relationships.

[Steve316]

Interesting stuff mate, you seem to be in a similar place to me (although 3 months ahead in terms of when the break up was). i.e. I do truly love her, she did / does truly love me but I am not going to 'try' to get her back and just going to try and get on with things. If she misses me and wants to try again - great, if not, then it's what I expected anyway.

[devast]

I do truly love her, she did / does truly love me but I am not going to 'try' to get her back and just going to try and get on with things. If she misses me and wants to try again - great, if not, then it's what I expected anyway.

 

Yeah so am I... "saving my best for last"...

 

Earlier, I just thought of sending her an email where I am trying to guide her thoughts to our situation right now...

 

Saying how sad it is to think other people work-out so hard to stay together coping with alcoholism, drug addiction..etc (worse issues than our issue which was just about attitude conflict).. But we are working-out so hard to move on and maybe forget about the love that we used/still have...

 

But...I didn't send it... Coz I thought... When I was the one who broke-up with my other exes long ago... They just can't do anything about me to realize and change my mind...

 

So I thought... I'll just wait and see if she realizes it by herself... If she does...I'll give my best for the last shot... If she don't...then its not worth it.. "just as I expected"..

[blink_guy]

i dont know the way it worked for me i broke up with my gf then went nc for amonth she got over me and i didnt and i feel like im slipping in to depression

[celene]

Hey guys, I have come to realize that each relationship is different and we cannot follow one general rule.

1) Why did you break up? If its because one party was not sure whether they wanted to be in a relationship at that point in their life then its important to make sure you stay in touch with them because they might truly be confused as to what they want in their life. On the other hand if the guy is mean, cheats on you or verbally abuses you then I think you should start NC to regain your self confidence, your self worth and to give yourself a chance of finding someone new and wonderful.

2) You need to ask yourslef, is this worth pursuing? As I said if the relationship was wonderful and if the person was wonderful and if they are confused then I dont think you should give up.

3) I find a lot of people who give up on love very easily. If you truly truly believe that this is the one then fight for them. You might win/ lose but twenty years from now you will not look back and say " I wish I had fought for what I wanted."

4) We are told not to give up, everyday, that we can change people's mind on how they percieve us, we can change people's perception on the environment, politics, business us and yet when it comes to relationship why are we told to give up and move on?

5) Ultimately you have got to decide whether its worth fighting for what you truly truly believe in!! So good luck either ways!!

[Daddy Bear]

I'm with shes2smart on this. There's an interesting paradox behind pursuing someone who has already declined our advances: to use any means whatsoever to bring them back to us, ignoring their wishes to remain separated, is not love; it's disrespect.

 

I'm all for communicating with exes as long as its true purpose is to support them and what they want from life, and not to try to recapture lost glory whose time is past. If we truly care about our lovers, we gracefully let them go when they request it and we move on with our own lives without disrupting theirs.

[LostLoveinLosAngeles]

Excellent post in here by onelove and celene. Its so easy to give up and not endure the pain. I was apart from my ex for 8months but I always believed in the bottom of my heart we would reunite and guess what we did. I cannot lie and say everything is a smooth road to victory because it isn't. Some people would easily just give up but I believe if you truly love a person and you didnt beat the crap out them than you can work it out if they love you. I was always able to accept the fact we may not get back together, but I kept the light on so the speak.

[Lovingly18]

Hi houdini im not sure if this if the correct way to reply, but is this a paperback or ebook version of the book. because if it is the ebook version I would like to know where you got it from.

[askdan]

I also have this book at home and I've read it and studied it very carefully, highlighted a few parts and took notes. It is an excellent book...for the time it was written, over 20 years ago.

 

If you look the first few pages, you will see that the book has been published in the early or mid-80's. It was good advice back then, and may very well be in some cases, but society has changed SO much 20 years later that I would be careful about the advice in it. A lot of advice may be damaging and counter-productive now in the year 2007.

 

In my case, the advice in the book was not very helpful because my ex-GF was a total psycho (read the chapter on 'Winning Back an Impaired Lover' and you will have a good idea).

[kate111]

I need the part about the impaired lover!

How do I get a copy?

[askdan]

Hi Kate!

 

How's it going ? I haven't read from you in years! Still on this web site after 3 years ?

 

Anyways, the only way that you can get a copy if from Amazon web site. There is no ebook or PDF document about this one, the Internet wasen't even around at that time (I just checked and it was published in 1989).

 

However, be careful because the advice is over 15 years old.

 

Good to hear from you (my partner in pain - lol)

[kate111]

I got dumped by the nice guy. Yes the one that I got together with and everything was perfect and the exex became a distant horrible dream.

 

Now this one is turned out to be horrible.

 

Ahhh my partner in pain.

 

I shall order that book.

[askdan]

Hey Kate666,

 

We would actually be a great match, since we've been through similar experiences with horrible exes - lol

 

 

[kate111]

Maybe it is just us that is horrible.

 

Haha.

 

*cries*

[JimmerJammer]

You know what I realize? Hardly anyone looks within to ask if maybe they pushed their ex away through insecurity, manipulation, detachment, conditional love, obscurity, obsession, emotional dependability, negativity, aggression, abuse, etc. Its all about "omg this person left me! I feel so horrible!" and hey what shocks me is that when I say this I'm accused of NEVER being in that situation. I can't help but shake my head and roll my eyes when I hear this because I almost off'd myself when mine left me. Then again I always felt something was "missing" from myself and that I wasn't happy with who I was either so I took it out on her a lot.

 

I never meant to and it took some time, but I feel that even to this day that despite how far I feel I've come. My ex doesn't need me in her life. I've always been tempted to call her and ask her how she's doing, but to do so I would feel would be to go against her want for me to just leave her alone and stop causing the emotional turmoil I put her through. She simply had enough and after it all I really don't know how she stayed with me for as long as she did. It took a lot of time and a lot of work, but I've worked out a lot of emotional issues that I have had and I feel I no longer go through bouts of depression like I used to.

 

I'd still like to contact my ex again so we could hang out and have a healthy friendship as I honestly really truly believe that letting me go was very hard for her, just her mental health was more important and I totally don't blame her. I probably would have driven her mad. I think the difference here is between admittance and those that are so negative and think of themselves like victims or will say "omg its all my fault! I'm SUCH A LOSER!!" like that line of thinking isn't a red flag that indicates what the problem REALLY is.