Should I end it? I'm UNBELIEVABLY hurt by her actions.

[WadeCure]

This is long and I'm sorry in advance but I'm really hurt.

 

The past couple of days my girlfriend has mentioned marriage incredibly to me. Every single sentence she has stated seems like had marriage in it. We've only been together 4 and a half months. I would change the subject often. I feel like getting married at 4 and a half months is ridiculously early for that type of thing. So she said this to me on a MySpace message:

 

so i dont think you realize that it really hurts my feelings when you just change the subject when i talk about getting married. you could just say no i dont want to or whatever, but what you're diong really really hurts my feelings. i love you so much and i love you enough to give you basically my life, so the least you could do is give me a straight answer

 

Last night about 8pm (before Valentine's Day, I already got her gifts for VD. Unfortunately I'm stuck in another city for business trip so I couldn't be with her for VD) I sent this back to her because she had been bugging me for a response.

 

Hey sweetie,

 

First of all, I’m really sorry for all of the hurt feelings I’ve caused you by not responding directly to what you’ve been saying. I never want to hurt you - that’s my worst nightmare - and I didn’t realize that by not responding to you that I was hurting you. I’m very sorry. Anyway, I promised you a response to what you were saying and this message is that response. I’ve been dodging the question because, simply, I had no idea how to handle it. I realized that I should have handled it with honesty and open communication regardless because I feel a good relationship is based on honesty and open communication. I want to do my part and give you my honest feelings.

 

Every one of my friends know that I’m head over heels in love with you. I’m crazy about you, there’s no denying it. About a week ago I was going to tell you something special someone said about us and our relationship, that someone being White. It really meant a lot to me to hear and I believe what he said to be true. White and I went out to dinner and a movie one night and we talked about a lot of things. I think you remembered this night. Well, White said to me something to the effect of “out of all of the relationships I have seen, I believe you and Melanie have the best relationship and the greatest chance for success.” I believe him. If we take a look at all of the relationships around us, ours is the best, without a doubt. We are two independent people who love each other despite flaws we both share. I don’t need to name names, but you know just as well as I do that there are relationships around us that are unhappy and dependent ones. We are lucky, we have one of the rare ones that aren’t that. Our relationship is wonderful and it is amazing, it is without a doubt the most important thing in my life right now.

 

You have made a lot of not so subtle mentions of marriage. You want to be my Mrs. You can’t imagine how wonderful that makes me feel. I feel very very lucky to be with you. And you know what?

 

I feel the same as you.

 

I want to be with you forever.

 

I want to marry you.

 

There is a natural progression for things. White told me that we had the best relationship he knows, and I’m working hard to maintain that and continue to have our relationship grow into something better each day. I want to go through each step together and continue to develop our relationship until inevitably I will ask you to marry me. I don’t want to leap frog past any step. I feel that other relationships around us leap frogged many important and crucial steps to a successful and happy relationship. I don’t need to name names, you know who they are. Again, our relationship has been a successful and happy one thus far. Our relationship continues to develop better each day. I’m a very guarded person, and you know it – it’s hard for me to let my guard down. If you remember how it was back in September I told you that I was very protective of myself, and it’s true. But there was something special about you. You broke my guard down and I fell very much in love with you. The fact that you were able to do it that quickly is a testament to how wonderful I think you are. Nobody ever has been able to do that. Ever since then almost everyday has been very happy with you. I am looking forward to the infinite happy days ahead of us.

 

One day, inevitably, I will ask you to marry me. It will happen.

 

I want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that when I do ask you to marry me, that it was without pressure – that I 100% come to you out of my own will and ask you to be my wife.

 

So I’m asking only for time and asking for no influence or pressure. Then I guarantee I can give you that satisfaction and ultimately a very happy, loving, and fulfilling lifelong marriage.

 

It’s funny that a Britney Spears song can reflect how I feel right now. Normally it’s Nine Inch Nails. But hey… you know… what can I say lol ^-^. But here comes the lyrics to that:

 

 

Sometimes

----

You tell me you're in love with me

Like you can't take your pretty eyes away from me

It's not that I don't want to stay

But every time you come too close I move away

 

 

I wanna believe in everything that you say

'Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There's things about me you just have to know

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

 

I don't wanna be so shy

Every time that I'm alone I wonder why

Hope that you will wait for me

You'll see that you're the only one for me

 

 

I wanna believe in everything that you say

'Cause it sounds so good

But if you really want me, move slow

There's things about me you just have to know

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you righ

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

 

Just hang around and you'll see

There's nowhere I'd rather be

If you love me, trust in me

The way that I trust in you

 

 

Sometimes I run

Sometimes I hide

Sometimes I'm scared of you

But all I really want is to hold you tight

Treat you right

Be with you day and night

Baby all I need is time

 

----

 

 

I love you, more than you could ever imagine.

 

- Me

 

Last night she said this:

 

Part One:

 

well, right now, im not sure how i feel about your response. ill think about it and reply when i get home later.

 

Part Two (she gets home):

 

im still not 100% sure how I feel about your response. ive re read it and still im not sure how it sits with me. i think its something i need to think about. I'm not so sure thats what I wanted to hear.

 

About an hour and a half ago we talked on the phone. It's very awkward. She says "I'm trying to decide if I'm mad at you, I am not sure." I said "you can feel however you choose to, all I can do is be honest." Then seems like an eternity of awkward silence and then she says "well I have to go get ready for the doctor."

 

In her voice she sounded really upset the entire time.

 

Well I now know if she's upset. She says this just now:

 

...........

 

just because i think valentines day is a stupid holiday and think its rediculous to go all out for it

 

doesn't change the fact that i am a girl and im programmed to like these things deep down and want a little romance.

 

but what do I get?

 

an email saying you dont want to marry me right now because apparently our relationship isn't to that level.

 

happy (F-Word, I censored it)ing valentines day to you too

 

I'm UNBELIEVABLY hurt by this. I am crying right now as I type. I'm seriously considering ending it right now. You can research my past posts to see where else she's been immature, about moving in with me. I just don't know if I can continue this after that.

 

What should I do?

[EvaGina]

Shes being an immature, pathetic little moo.

 

Shes trying to PRESSURE you into marrying her!!!

 

Its completely unacceptable, your email would have made any other woman absolutely melt. It was loving, sensitive, honest and heartfelt, it was beautiful.

 

Shes being selfish, manipulative and nasty.

I would sit her down and talk to her face to face, no yelling or fighting, if she flies off the handle, ignore it, wait till she finishes and continue where you left off without even ackowledging her tantrum...

 

if she HONESTLY thinks she is being reasonable, I would break it off, yes.

 

good luck!!

 

EDIT: this makes me so MAD... just becuase she is disappointed, it doesnt mean she can get angry about it... she tried to use Valentines day as an excuse to pressure you into a lifetime commitment? gah

 

not only that but it gives us SANE women a bad name, beucase (understandably) men get scared that things like this will happen.

[never-too-late]

OH MY GOD!!!

 

your girlfriend sounds very selfish and unloving!! I wish my boyfriend wrote to me this kind of letter! It's the most beautiful letter and you made such an effort to express your feelings to her, which it's not always easy for someone to do and her response is so cold?? I cannot understand her.

 

You really love her I can see that. I am sorry to tell you but I am not quite sure if your girlfriend is in love with you or in love with an idea of getting married because it's scary to demand it from you in such way! It's really not nice at all.

 

I think what you did was the most beautiful thing and you have all the right to feel hurt! I am sure if I demanded marriage from my boyfriend in such way, he would run away away from me!

 

How old is she? You need to ask yourself why is she in such a hurry to get married! It's not normal after such a short time. A relationship needs time to grow and to develop. I think she sounds controlling and I would be very careful if I were you to think hard and deep if you really want to marry this girl.

[EvaGina]

I am not quite sure if your girlfriend is in love with you or in love with an idea of getting married .

 

-nods-

 

Agreed, this kind of pressure screams "marriage fiend" more than real love/respect

[sidehop]

Ok, she maybe in love with you but she's demanding too much not understanding your feelings. I'm not sure exactly what you told her but you'll need to make her understand that you're not ready for such commitment, at least for most people 4.5 months is a very short time to get married.

 

If she doesn't understand that & has a nerve to use the F-word, you need to step back. Even think about running. What kind of relationship could you accept with a person that's as aggressive and mean because she's not getting what she wants? It almost sounds like you're the guy that's more laid back while she is more possessive and can become very jealous.

 

I'm completely assuming all things by what you posted, you need sit down with her & talk. It's really mean what she said to you. That's just uncalled for and even as a guy I would probably be in tears reading something like that. To a point I would consider breaking up.

 

But before you say anything, gather your thoughts and let her know why you're not ready and why she should respect your feelings but also find out why she wants to get married so soon.

 

Good luck & I'm very sorry she's acting this way

[WadeCure]

She's 22. I'm 25. Just to answer the prior posters question. I want to be fair to her in this post and present her side. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

 

But I'm heartbroken. She ripped me apart just now.

 

I wish I had more to say...

[darkpumpkin]

Yes I agree with everyone. Someone's reaction to that who loved you and not the idea of marrying you would be quite different.

[Scotcha]

While I was reading the message you wrote to her I was wondering what you could possible be upset about.. And now I'm wondering instead how she could possible be upset.

 

Everything you wrote to her, believe me, would have made almost any other woman in love very VERY happy.. Expecially after only 4 1/s months. I could understand how she felt if it was 4 1/2 years.. But months?

 

I don't know if you should end it or not. I don't know what I would do either.

 

I'm very sorry you're hurting.

[pianoguy]

The nerve! What a .

 

As I was reading your e-mail to her, I was going to point out a few little things- namely that this should've been done in person rather than via a letter, and the line, "I inevitably will marry you" or whatever may have been a bad idea.

 

But her response was completely out of line, especially in contrast to your thoughtfulness. If she isn't mature enough to handle your beautiful honesty, then she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you.

 

What I find even more infuriating is the fact that you were on the phone with her, and she didn't have the courage to tell you directly, but instead has to go and write you a letter thereafter.

 

You have every write to be hurt and offended, and I'm not even sure that you need to be civil with her when you dump her. She has serious growing up to do, she needs to learn that you can't treat people that way when they pour out their hearts to you.

[kellbell]

Hey there wadecure,

 

I remember your post from November. Your girlfriend likes to move 110 miles an hour. I have to say, the response you gave her was one of the most heartfelt, eloquent and to the point responses I have ever read. And if that is not enough for her, I am not sure what will be.

 

It is my belief, she is in love with idea of marriage than being in love with you. The fact she mentioned because she is girl and programmed to be that way is a bunch of BS. Based on what you wrote today and other posts, I advise you NOT to marry this girl...ever. Love and partnership is about respecting one another, respecting one anothers' boundries, and trying to see the other's point of view in a loving and objective manner. Heck, she cannot even do that in the four months you have dated, what makes you think she will do that if you are married?

 

It is my STRONG belief that a person can see another's true colors during times of stress, during times of adversity. Of course we are on our best behavior when things are good. But when reality hits, a person gets a true glimpse of another's coping style and reactions to real life. This is her reaction, sending you nasty emails...on mySpace no less! Sheesh. I am sorry for writing this but your girlfriend acts like a spoiled you know what when she does not get her way. Is this what you envisioned as your future wife, a woman whom throws a tantrum??

 

If I were your in your position, I would end it with her. Seriously. Since October, none of your posts about your relationship have not been good at all. And if things are like this in the very beggining of your relationship, then I do not see matters improving.

 

Hang in there and keep us posted.

[O_Draconian_Devil]

Oh man! How could she reply like that after everything you said, if every man had that way with words the world would be a happier place! And the girl who GETS that kind of guy slaps it back in his face? Whaaaat?! I agree with everyone else, sit her down and talk to her. Ask her why she can't wait, why she responded that way, and why it seemed to actually take her TIME to rile up that kind of anger. You said when you guys talked on the phone it was awkward and she sounded upset...It went from awkward to boiling rage? Huh? Doesn't make sense. Then let her have it--in a nice way, I guess--tell her you were honest and sincere and she HAD asked for a response! How can she demand a response, then get pissed at you for being honest? It's kinda like that "does this make me look fat?" question...Ya can never win...

[EvaGina]

Yes...

she said she just wanted an answer, I can understand totally how your dodging the question annoyed her

 

but then having a tantrum because you didnt give the answer she wanted?

 

Shes to immature to cope with disappointment, so she turns it into anger. she NEEDS to fix that or you will be at eachothers throats

[Wimpy]

run run run and don't look back.

 

Anyone who could be so irrational and respond in such a way to the wonderfully kind and thoughtful e-mail you wrote her needs her head examined....

 

P.S. In future, I'd always advise talking face-to-face rather than doing such important stuff over the phone or e-mail....

[EvaGina]

P.S. In future, I'd always advise talking face-to-face rather than doing such important stuff over the phone or e-mail....

 

agreed, but if he had waited she would have had an even bigger nah-nah

[lizziebee]

I don't even know what to say! I am so sorry that you were hurt by this woman who you bared your soul to AND said that marriage is in the cards! What did she read anyway? Is she ADD skipping through the text and missing that comprehension chip? (Of course to all you VERY serious people worried about throwing mental disorders around I am just being myself, so chill about the ADD ok? Thanks) Anyway, will you see her tonight? will you call her? I don't know what to tell you because waiting for her to call you is almost part of the games that no one wants to play but alas, we do sometimes without realizing it. I hope this makes sense to you or at least helps lessen the pain. You cannot give her a bigger Valentine than what you wrote to her....Maybe she has trust issues? Sorry I could not be more help but let us know what happens...

[RayKay]

Hi Wade,

 

Your email to her was fantastic, and right from the heart. Honestly, it was very well put, and while it was eloquent it was also straight from the heart. I think most people would LOVE to know their partner feels that way and is working towards the same goal.

 

She is being an immature brat. I hate to tell you this, after it is obvious you are crazy about her, but she is more into the idea of being married, or having someone to continously "prove it" to her, than building a relationship with you of equal minds, equal effort, and at a pace that makes you both comfortable. She is trying to put the cart before the horse, to secure the deal...which does not speak well.

 

Even when the feelings are crazy, these are things you need to put into context...it has been 4.5 months, or 18 weeks, together and there is absolutely NO reason for her to be rushing you into something at this point. She should not even be pressuring you if you had been together a year, or two, or more, if you of course were on different paths after that much time she would have right to leave, but it is not right to pressure you, and at 4.5 months in I don't care how much she buys into Valentine's Day - the desire for a grand gesture of love on Valentine's Day does not mean "marriage proposal" at 4.5 months in!

 

Marriage is a serious thing. To me, it does not matter if you get along great in the honeymoon stage, or other people are telling you how great you are and what they think. What matters is how you together feel, and if TOGETHER you have the strong foundation and basis for a life together. That takes a few times where things aren't so easy, and lighthearted, and it's not all fun and games all the time, to see how you really are, and how you really are together as a team....you know what I mean?

 

I have serious concerns about this girl, like kellbell mentioned I would be very very wary of where things proceed with this girl. Because if she is honestly more into the idea of marriage at this point, then realizing your feelings and needs, she is selfish and this is only going to be more apparent as time goes on.

 

Rachel

[melrich]

Your email to her was really well put but would have been better put face to face. Her email to you was immature, rude and inconsiderate.

 

But it sounds like you love her very much and that your relationship has been good to this point.

 

Maybe she had a bad day. Maybe the whole Valentines thing got on top of her.

 

I would not be making any hasty decisions. Let the heat go out of things a bit and then talk to her about this face to face. Email is not a great way of communicating, you can rarely convey the emotions you wish to in the written word.

 

Take a deep breath and find time to sit down and talk to her openly about this.

[drum4god]

Dude,

 

I know you are not going to listen to anyone here, because when you are in love, wisdom goes out the window. Believe me I know. However, what you need to do. AND PLEASE LISTEN TO ME HERE. Is do not appologize anymore. You have to stick up for yourself. I don't care how you feel, how hurt you are, you need to tell her she is out of line. She may try to spin it, and make you out as the bad guy. You need to set your boundaries, and if she crosses them now, you are going to be her whipping boy.

 

I know what you are going to say. "You are only hearing my side of the story" Or maybe if I woulda, coulda said this, that. NO, DON'T BACK DOWN. If you do, she won't give you the respect that you need, and walk over you the rest of your life.

 

You may say "no way", but the more you give in to her, your resistance will get weaker. These are little tests that women give, to see how much they can push. Don't let her push you anymore. Show some backbone, and tell her sternly, she is out of line.

 

If she dumps you because of it, it will speak volumes about her.

 

DUDE, Trush me on this. If I took my own advice I wouldn't have a broken heart right now.

[Dilly]

I have only read as far as this post and agree completely! I would be UTTERLY DELIGHTED IF YOU SAID THE THINGS YOU SAID IN YOUR MESSAGE - SO LOVELY!!! And at only 4.5 months. Your girlfriend sounds very controlling and manipulative. I worry about you in this relationship based on her response to a most loving and completely unobjectionable letter.

 

But.... why does she have to go to the doctor? Is she dying of cancer, pregnant, under the influence of the clock in any way - is that why she is pushing???? Or is there a possibility that there's another opportunity (romantic) in the wings that she's feeling frustrated about turning down?

[sidehop]

On another thought I think it's a good idea to make it clear to her what she said really hurt you. And if it's the way she's going to treat you then she needs to think about keep dating you.

 

It almost sounds like she knows how you would response. You do sound like a real nice guy but she may be taking that as an advantage!

[Dilly]

On another thought I think it's a good idea to make it clear to her what she said really hurt you. And if it's the way she's going to treat you then she needs to think about keep dating you.

 

It almost sounds like she knows how you would response. You do sound like a real nice guy but she may be taking that as an advantage!

 

 

Yup, not a good thing! You will get run over by any woman who can behaves this way unless you are emotionally able to withstand the pain and pressure. THe fact that you are crying and upset speaks volumes, that she is a bully and you a confused victim. Happy Valentine's Day. Please be firm with her. Your life is too important to be run by someone you've only known for 4.5 months.

[WadeCure]

Small update.

 

Someone asked why she's going to the doctor: because she's having TMJ pain. (ie jaw joint pain)

 

She's been coaxing me for a response for the past two hours. I forgot to mention that right after she sent the hateful MySpace message she said on a cell phone text message "I just posted a message to your MySpace."

 

At 4:45 she sent another text message "have nothing to say?"

 

I have decided to shut the cell phone off. I am not talking to her whatsoever tonight. If that's the wrong thing to do, someone tell me. I can't talk to her face to face because I'm on a business trip. But she's infuriated me. I'm really hurt.

[Hope75]

I think your email was very heartfelt and honest and I would have been thrilled to receive such a thing from my boyfriend. I do agree with Melrich that this is more of a face to face discussion to have when you get back.

 

But I do agree with everyone else that there is no way that after 18 weeks of dating she should be pressuring you into marriage and I think you have been more than patient with her- and her response to your email disgusts me- and makes me wonder if she is more fond of the idea of getting married than of you and your feelings about the situation.

 

I think everyone has some excellent points. If you need tonight to cool off take it- as you can't see her face to face anyway, but when you get back I'd have a serious talk with her and tell her how much what she said hurt you- and how ridiculous pressuring for marriage after 4 months is- and how this relationship is about the both of you- not just her desire to get prematurely married.

 

I'm not sure that after this I would be so quick to forgive her-- she seems very immature and selfish.

[pinballwizard]

Your letter was great. Most letters like that come off as corny or forced. Yours . . . That was from the heart. And the fact that a guy can see that speaks volumes. Her response, on the other hand . . . I think a cat with it's paws cut off could have written a better one. She doesn't like you nearly as much as you like her. If I were you, I'd end it.

 

Seriously, you've been dating for four-and-a-half months and she's already asking you about marriage? She's either overly clingy or a manipulative . Neither are qualities I'd want in a wife.

[EvaGina]

Small update.

 

Someone asked why she's going to the doctor: because she's having TMJ pain. (ie jaw joint pain)

 

She's been coaxing me for a response for the past two hours. I forgot to mention that right after she sent the hateful MySpace message she said on a cell phone text message "I just posted a message to your MySpace."

 

At 4:45 she sent another text message "have nothing to say?"

 

I have decided to shut the cell phone off. I am not talking to her whatsoever tonight. If that's the wrong thing to do, someone tell me. I can't talk to her face to face because I'm on a business trip. But she's infuriated me. I'm really hurt.

 

I think thats fine.

you arent obliged to talk to her

if I were you I would send her a message saying "I am to angry to talk right now. Give me time and we will talk about this later"

 

otherwise she will scream at you for "ignoring her in her time of need" and you will be the bad guy.

 

Shes TRYING to fight with you "nothing to say" is pathetic, if she was mature she would say "I really need to talk to you right now".

 

god... shes acting like the rest of us did in high school