Should I end it? I'm UNBELIEVABLY hurt by her actions.

[Parsley]

While I was reading the message you wrote to her I was wondering what you could possible be upset about.. And now I'm wondering instead how she could possible be upset.

 

I thought exactly the same thing. I had to go and reread the title of the post because I couldn't see how it could turn out badly. I read her reponse and said outloud "You WHAT?!"

 

Seriously....she's being incredibly selfish. If I had a bf say that to me I'd feel like a complete cow but so incredibly happy. Reading that even made me feel quite sad because I don't have that.

 

I agree with what somebody else said earlier, that maybe she's too into the idea of being married. I honestly don't understand people that rush into marriage, or expect a proposal after even a year. That would freak me out beyond freaked out. Maybe that's just me.

 

But still, she seriously needs a slap or something *note - I am not condoning violence*. She's acting like a spoilt brat. It's even worse because, if you think about it, she did get her own way, and it's just because it isn't quickly enough. They way she's acted would be enough to put me off marriage for a lot longer. I think you need to think hard about how this could/will carry over into married life.

[Suesser Tod]

I have decided to shut the cell phone off. I am not talking to her whatsoever tonight. If that's the wrong thing to do, someone tell me. I can't talk to her face to face because I'm on a business trip. But she's infuriated me. I'm really hurt.

 

 

The quote above is all I need to prove a point.

 

At 4 months, the relationship has turned into a burden for you, so much that you rather shut off the celphone to get away from her.

 

And that is when...

 

a) You are not even in the same city

b) You haven't seen her in a couple of days

 

Just imagine how she would behave if you were living together!!

 

No, I rather not imagine it, it is way too scary. Don't walk away from her, run!

 

As much as you love her, you are not going to change her, nor you are going to change. All that will only build anger and resentment on both of you, leading to a divorce and maybe, affecting innocent children in the process. As if the current situation wasn't bad enough, behaviors that are part of the personality, do not attenuate over the time, they accentuate, so it will only get worse. Worse as the relationship builds and she feels more secure, so she restrains herself less, and worse as she ages.

[treefrogkate]

The letter you wrote her was beautiful, it really was. I am shocked by her reaction to it, but I think you should reserve final judgement until you are face-to-face.

 

I would probably call her back and talk to her. None of this myspace messaging and texting. Why is all of this happening over the internet instead of being spoken about like adults? I understand you can't see each other face-to-face, but you can talk.

 

I don't think you're unreasonable at all to want to wait to propose. Please don't allow yourself to be forced into this. Nothing good can come of a marriage you're forced into. Even if you love her, you may start resenting her, and it can only go downhill from there.

[WadeCure]

She just sent this text message after I sent "I am too angry to talk right now. Give me time and we will talk about this."

 

She replied: "Excuse me? You're angry? How the do you think I feel?"

 

She then put on MySpace message to me:

 

"let me put this way

 

talk now or Sunday"

 

I will not be bullied by her. She will get her wish. Sunday it is.

[kellbell]

Whoa!! Wow, what IS her deal?? She sounds so mean. Okay, Sunday...that will give you time to cool off, to think and get your bearings. Yikes, she likes to throw tantrums.

 

Please keep us updated and try to hang in there. I cannot imagine what you are going through and how you feel at the moment.

[WadeCure]

She just now posted on my MySpace a public comment that says "thats fine, I guess I'll talk to you on Sunday." After I logged off MySpace.

 

Oh she's really pushing me to end the relationship. This isn't the first time that this has come up. I've been off and on unhappy for quite some time. I've been looking for a relationship that would develop like a best friendship with someone online that ended in April of last year - that was the closest connection I've ever felt with someone. So far I'm not getting that. I want a true mature emotionally close meaningful relationship.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it sounds like she is more interested in getting married than getting married to YOU. i think she had already made up her mind that she wanted you to propose on Valentine's Day, and that was that in her mind, no other alternative allowed! marriage itself should NEVER be the goal, but getting married to the right person at the right time should be. she is obviously missing the point, bigtime!

 

LOTS of problems with how she's behaving, not the least of which is that you are being perfectly reasonable to wait before getting engaged, and she had some scripted fantasy that required you proposing to her this valentine's day OR ELSE.

 

4 1/2 months is NOT a long time dating, and certainly early to expect a proposal, in fact, foolhardy to get engaged that quickly, because you don't know each other well enough (as she is proving to you today!). she really is bullying you here, and if you give in on this, then not only will that teach her that bullying works, but i also think it would mean you are marrying someone who wants to make unilateral decisions about how you should behave, and not make it a partnership, but a dictatorship.

 

please reconsider the relationship in general, not just whether you should give in to her or not. this is really beastly behavior on her part, and should be a giant red flag that she is not mature enough to marry ANYBODY, and that you were perfectly right to wait til you knew her better.

[Hope75]

it sounds like she is more interested in getting married than getting married to YOU. i think she had already made up her mind that she wanted you to propose on Valentine's Day, and that was that in her mind, no other alternative allowed! marriage itself should NEVER be the goal, but getting married to the right person at the right time should be. she is obviously missing the point, bigtime!

 

 

I agree with BSBH on this one. It seems she is more bent on getting her way than she cares about your feelings. A relationship is a two- way street- and she completely dismissed your feelings and superceded with "What about MY feelings?" It's almost like a little kid.

 

I can tell you at my age I would not have the patience for this type of nonsense- and probably would not have at any age.

 

Someone else (I forgot who it was) brought up a good point that this type of behaviour is likely to be carried over into marriage- if she's already acting like a spoilt child now.... 4 months into the relationship.

 

If you have been off and on unhappy already and now this, and it's only been 18 weeks- my advice is to end it now and save yourself the misery. She's not worth it.

[DN]

If you are on and off unhappy then consider if you really want to feel the same way in the future. Because it is highly unlikely this behaviour will change. In fact, the chances are she will get a lot worse.

 

Imagine your life a few years down the road - married with three or more kids that she pressured you into having so she can stay at home and not have to get a paying job, manipulated and nagged about anything and everything, high mortgage payments for a too large house that she wanted, credit cards maxed out to pay for filling them with useless junk that she wants, your time micro-managed into doing things she wants rather than what you want and the the only avenue of escape an expensive divorce and high child support payments for children you will have to battle to see.

 

Don't do it. Not worth it.

[Hope75]

 

 

This is all too possible the road you are headed down! Run while you still can!

 

 

[pianoguy]

Dude, this girl isn't even rational.

 

Why the heck are you two having all these important conversations on MySpace and text messages??? What is this, middle school?

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. You deserve something better, someone that can be an emotional and intellectual equal.

 

Be clear in your mind what you are going to say when you go to dump her on Sunday. She will likely cry, scream, pound fists on the sofa, and blame you for everything. When that fails to get her her way she will suddenty become contrite and apologetic, and beg you for "one more chance" to set things right. She will seem sincere at this point, don't be taken in. If there's anything that is going to get her to grow up it will be the realization that people aren't going to stand for bullying and whining.

[Lady Bugg]

Awww Piano guy..you are so fluffy and cute..

Sorry off topic......

[keefy1972]

COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION COMMUNICATION!!! You need to tell her that, while you do love her and feel like you will marry her someday, you feel right now that she is pressing you for it. She needs to chill and let it happen.

[keefy1972]

I hate to seem like I'm taking sides here, but this girl is still quite young and very immature. There are obvious reasons that you told her that you're so lucky to have her in your life. Keep in mind that she is young and is probably just throwing a temper tantrum because you're not giving her what she wants right now. Be a little empathetic. Not saying she's right as much as I'm saying understand her point of view. You not proposing, to her, seems like a form of rejection. She'll get over it after you talk to her I'm sure.

[WadeCure]

Another update.

 

It seems that already she's dropped her anger. She's done this in the past before after we've been mad at each other. We just move on with it, she hardly ever apologizes... almost always its me apologizing. She removed the MySpace message from my wall saying "fine then, I guess it's Sunday" and replaced it with some Family Guy clip. She also sent me an eCard telling me she misses me and she wants me to come home.

 

She may not be mad and hurt anymore. But I am, still, and I don't expect to be able to move on from this as we were issues before, because heck -- this actually inspired feelings in me to end the relationship. I want to do the right thing, I don't want to be a jerk to her. But she said to me "lets put it this way, either talk to me now (last night) or Sunday." I'm going to give her what she wished for. No contact whatsoever until Sunday. I want to show her that I'm not one to be bullied around, and she needs to be more considerate of my feelings before she says something. I'm afraid of this being the wrong thing to do, of being a jerk. But I want her to know that I'm not going to be bullied and she needs to think about what she says before she says it.

 

If this makes me a jerk... please inform me. I want to do the right thing. I'm just still very mad and hurt.

[grendel]

You might want to look into Borderline Personality Disorder and see if that might fit her at all. Some of her actions hint at it somewhat I guess. Regardless though, from all you say here it seems evident that you are not being a jerk. I hope you won't let her destroy your self-esteem by telling you that you are.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Now I am really worried. You are neck deep in this more than I thought. You are worried about coming accross as a jerk for standing up to your feelings when she was clearly out of line, bullying you, and throwing a tantrum. That screams volumes to me. Your relationship is no where near being true, compassionate, and genuine. And you have been going out for 18 weeks.

 

NO WAY are you a jerk for standing up for how you feel. If she cannot handle it, then that is her problem. You have a right to state your case and feel good about it. I would really reconsider this relationship and send her packing. This is ridiculous.

[Dilly]

You're BOTH really not ready for marriage. But I think compassion towards each other's feelings is a good start. I don't think you should rush in to marry this GIRL, but I also don't know that I'd wait until Sunday (sounds a bit gamey - like you're sinking to her level and resorting to power plays). I would tell her ON THE PHONE (no more texting or e-communication) that you are very, very disappointed that the first Valentine's Day you could have ever really enjoyed with someone was ruined/tainted/spoiled. You should refrain from any additional written communication on the matter, offer long pauses where they are due (if she gets huffy). Don't let her play power moves with you either. Give yourself the time you need to recover from this, but don't make that Sunday just because you think it might teach her a lesson. When YOU feel up to it, call her and explain how sad and disappointed you are with the relationship. Judge her by her ability to deal with the reality that you are not ready and that her behavior is entirely disappointing.

[Siriana]

Oh my....

I would end it.

Let me use my favourite:

 

 

She is immature.

That's not something you can change.

There is a very long journey infront of her for becoming a better person (if that ever happens).

And there is no use in you walking by her side.

 

About the marriagge - she is far away from that too, it takes a lot better communication skills and a lot of maturing for her to be capable for that.

She was just dreaming about the white dress, big reception and her gf being jelouse at her.

 

You wrote a nice email (even too loving and romantic for 4.5 moths of dating, when it comes to my taste) and she took no time to accept your point.

You gave your best to understand her, to say you're sorry and to make her feeling of being hurt recognized.

She didn't do the same.

To me this screams: she's a person who you can't compromize with and any other conflict you'll be having in the future with her is not going to be resolved if it's not her way.

 

So I would just quit. She showed you enough.

Thats what dating is for - to get to know the person you're dating.

Such horrible conflict so soon is a sign for me to end it.

[Suesser Tod]

Is she unhappy with her current situation? Is she unhappy where she lives, where she works, etc?

 

I don't mean that she is a gold digger, but maybe she is thinking of marriage as a way out of what she currently dislikes. I've seen that, way too many times.

 

Also, the scenario that DN talked about, looks terrible, nightmareish, but I've seen it happen. Of course, I didn't knew what was going on with that couple, but it looked like that.

[WadeCure]

She just called and left a voicemail crying big time. She said: "Me, will you please talk to me this is all so stupid call me back or something or answer the phone when I call."

 

It is breaking my heart to hear her cry. It's really getting to me. I love her. I don't want to see the ones I love hurt. But I want to stand up for myself.

 

Continue with this?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I know is this is so hard for you. But she did state yesterday over the phone either "talk now (which was yesterday) or Sunday". Last I checked my calander, it is Thursday. You told her you both will talk on Sunday.

 

She NEEDS to be held accountable for her actions. Given into today which just give her the green light to pull another stunt like this in the future. She NEEDS to know you are not playing around and you are serious.

 

She CANNOT have her way ALL THE TIME!! People cry as a manipulative gesture at times and I truly feel she is doing this now. Man, this woman cannot handle ANYTHING that is NOT going her way. GEEZ!

 

Stay stong!

[Echo]

Wade.....I agree with Kellbell. She's manipulating you with her tears and you're falling for it hook line and sinker. Don;t be surprised if in the next few hours she turns psycho again like yesterday. She sounds Bi polar to me.

[melrich]

I think you are mad. You are making a mountain out of what could have been a mole hill. If you meant what you wrote in your first post TALK TO HER.

 

Cut the ego/macho/respect crap.

[Echo]

I see Melrich's point....but at the same time.. it was HER who told him if they didn;t talk yesterday then he would have to wait till Sunday. So why is he wrong for doing as she said? All that will be doing is making him her puppet in essense. She says jump..he says how high.....NO.....him doing this is simply setting a a precedence. IF..and that's a BIG IF..he contacts her..I would suggest it ONLY be to say he will call her on Sunday.

If he calls her because she is crying or shedding a few tears....over HER behavior...(this guy wrote her an incredible letter) then she knows she has him by the balls, and whenever it suits her, she's throw a fit...and he'll give in.

 

My vote is still not to contact her.