He Won't Go Down On Me - Need Advice

[summergirl77]

Hello! My guy and I have been dating for 6 months. He has never gone down on me. However, he is very demanding with blowjobs. He's not forceful, just demanding. When I approached him about why he wouldn't return the favor he said that I need to get tested first. I've been tested and he still won't go down on me. I've told him that I understand if he doesn't want to do it but it isn't fair for me to give it to him all the time. When I try to address the issue now he just ignores me. Last week he was upset with me because I was out with a guy friend for an hour. He asked his close girlfriend whether he should worry about me being out with a friend. I accidentally caught wind of her response which told him not to worry about it - just add it to the list of reasons why he won't go down on me. I confronted him about the comment and he tried to shrug it off. I confronted her about it and she said that he doesn't like doing it to anyone and that he wanted to come up with a reason for not doing it to me that would not offend me - i.e. trust. I have been extremely trustworthy and patient with this guy who is very demanding and seems to have double standards. I've tried to talk to him about everything today and he won't respond to my e-mails. I really care about him but I'm not sure what to do about this. Any advice?

[chai714]

First and foremost, make sure that you're appealing to his desires. If you've ever seen any of the adult material he's into, could you mimic that? I would try to get inside of his head and ask myself, "how can I make him want to do this?"

[CarnelianButterfly]

Stop giving him blow jobs. See how he likes that.

[agent1607307371]

Tell him straight up that if he won't go down on you then he cannot demand bj's. That is your perogative, and if he doesn't like it, he knows what he can do.

 

Either that or if giving without recieving is not such a huge deal to you then maybe work something else out for him to do for you in return.

 

Do you like giving oral to him?

[EvaGina]

Leave him?

 

What a stupid, immature little goober.

 

Thinking of a way that wont hurt you, then making up issues to do with your tustworthy-ness?

LEAVE!!!

[brando]

You may have bigger issues here with this guy. Id think about the relationship and what it means to you, and consider ending it or accepting thae fact he wont go south.

[Portage]

Sorry, he is selfish beyond belief. Leave him before you waste anymore of your precious time.

 

It is about give and take.

[cantexplain]

Thinking of a way that wont hurt you, then making up issues to do with your tustworthy-ness?

LEAVE!!!

 

We may never know why he won't do this. But Eva"Gina's thinking reflects mine. That is just plain mean.

[summergirl77]

I told him Sunday that if he didn't ever want to go down on me then I would never give him a blowjob again and he said that we'd be over with if I did that.

 

I do enjoy giving him oral sex, and I am very good at it, but I think it's unfair that:

 

a) he won't return the favor,

b) makes up lies as to why he won't do it, and

c) tells his friend about it.

[Scout]

Why are you with this tool? He won't give reciprocate oral sex AND he blabs to his "close girlfriends" why he won't? Who also make fun of you behind your back?

 

Girl, have some self-respect. Life's too short to be so unparticular about who you get involved with.

[EvaGina]

I told him Sunday that if he didn't ever want to go down on me then I would never give him a blowjob again and he said that we'd be over with if I did that.

 

I do enjoy giving him oral sex, and I am very good at it, but I think it's unfair that:

 

a) he won't return the favor,

b) makes up lies as to why he won't do it, and

c) tells his friend about it.

 

You are being taken advantage of!!

Just laugh in his face and walk off, I say... save the oral sex for someone who appreciates it.

How DARE he try manipulate you into sex like that!! You know thats a form of rape? scaring someone into pleasuring them?

[CarnelianButterfly]

I told him Sunday that if he didn't ever want to go down on me then I would never give him a blowjob again and he said that we'd be over with if I did that.

 

He values blow jobs more than he does you. Dump him!

[DN]

Sorry - don't agree.

 

No one should be pressured in any way to do something sexual with which they are not comfortable. You are OK with giving him oral sex and that's fine but he has a problem reciprocating.

 

Suppose he was ok giving you oral but you found you could not reciprocate without gagging or feeling ill - would you expect him to call you selfish and stop pleasing you?

 

Surely the better answer would be to find other things that you like and that he is comfortable doing.

 

If receiving oral sex is something that you find necessary for a good sex life and the lack of it would spoil the relationship then you should break-up.

 

But don't play the "If you won't do this for me, I won't do that for you." game. It won't serve either of you.

 

Having said that; he has not handled this well and he should not confide intimate details of your sex life to his friend. I imagine you would not similarly confide in your friends?

[Parsley]

I agree with DN about the not playing "If you won't, I won't" card, but then I also find that this man is an absolute fool, and you should not be with him. Threatening you like that is appalling, and as for 'finding a reason that won't hurt your feelings', how on earth could he think that him not trusting you wouldn't hurt your feelings?! I'd be devastated if the person I cared about told me they don't trust me, far more so than if they just said "I just don't like doing it".

 

He doesn't deserve you. Plain and simple.

 

But I know that reading this and going "Oh, ok then" and just getting up and breaking it off with him isn't plain and simple. In the end the decision is going to be yours. I just hope you realise that you can do so much better than someone who emotionally blackmails you like this guy does.

 

x

[EvaGina]

Agreed.

 

What I find unacceptable is how sneaky and underhanded he is with the situation.

[summergirl77]

Issues stem beyond oral sex for us. We broke up once and he's made improvements but I really don't feel valued by him. I don't tell my friends such details. I do feel like he and his close girl friends are using that to make fun of me behind my back and it really hurts. In fact, most times when I try to communicate to him how something hurts my feelings he either dismisses it or gets mad. Believe me, I have bent over backwards for him and have tried to be understanding. I guess the writing is on the wall.

[DN]

I agree that he did not handle it well. But not handling it well is not necessarily a deal-breaker if you understand he may have felt awkward in outright refusing at first and is now trying to cover it up with bravado.

 

As in all things - communication is key. And that can be the most difficult thing of all.

[EvaGina]

Issues stem beyond oral sex for us. We broke up once and he's made improvements but I really don't feel valued by him. I don't tell my friends such details. I do feel like he and his close girl friends are using that to make fun of me behind my back and it really hurts. In fact, most times when I try to communicate to him how something hurts my feelings he either dismisses it or gets mad. Believe me, I have bent over backwards for him and have tried to be understanding. I guess the writing is on the wall.

 

If he has issues that he is not willing to deal with, then it is NOT your obigation to hang around and wait for him.

Why put yourself through that kind of thing?

 

He doesnt want to listen to you, and although DN brought up a good point with communication, it doesnt seem that this guy wants to communicate, he jsut wants to take.

[DN]

Before everyone manages to persuade you to dump this guy I think you should think past the hurt and anger that you are understandably feeling right now and decide if you love him enough to try and salvage the relationship. It is often easier to repair a relationship before a break-up than after.

 

If you do decide you love him enough to try then there are communication techniques that may help you put the relationship into a better and more healthy place. It has been done before.

[EvaGina]

Before everyone manages to persuade you to dump this guy I think you should think past the hurt and anger that you are understandably feeling right now and decide if you love him enough to try and salvage the relationship. It is often easier to repair a relationship before a break-up than after.

 

If you do decide you love him enough to try then there are communication techniques that may help you put the relationship into a better and more healthy place. It has been done before.

 

presuming he is willing to try.

 

Obviously, we only have one side of the story, and only she will know whether it is worth it or not to try If she genuinly thinks he will, then I think its a great idea. But they have only been together a short while and already there are huge warning signs.

[heartlessromantic]

I think there are warning signs and the guy seems like he is unwilling to deal with problems directly, such as trying to question your trust in order to avoid having to go down on you. These sort of things speak to his character. The fact that he doesn't seem to care about your enough to deal with this issue properly is a bad sign for the future.

[summergirl77]

Actually I have tried over and over to communicate with him. We had broken up for three weeks and when we got back together we both decided that we had both been at fault for different things. I told him I wanted to talk through the problems. When I try to talk to him about things he usually minimizes my concerns.

[DN]

Actually I have tried over and over to communicate with him. We had broken up for three weeks and when we got back together we both decided that we had both been at fault for different things. I told him I wanted to talk through the problems. When I try to talk to him about things he usually minimizes my concerns.

Perhaps you are not using the right communication techniques - there are different ways to express what you want and need without making it seem like you are attacking or pressuring someone.

[summergirl77]

Yeah...I agree, but I feel like I have given him the benefit of the doubt already. I think his way of handling situations isn't going to get better no matter what I do or say....

[DN]

Perhaps he could use advice on those techniques as well. But he is not posting on here.