My girl and another guy. Possible to be very close friends?

[kadoskie]

Currently nothing bothers me more than my girlfriend having this real close bond with this other guy. Is thing something that anybody should allow? I'm always afraid that someday something might spark and before you know it she's leaving me for him. She tells me that it will never happen but I've yet to hear of it never happening to others. How would you feel if she called him instead of you because you weren't available to talk on the phone? Her excuse was that its hard to reach you and so she calls or txt him instead becuase he's always there to pick up and always ready to chat whenever she wanted to.

 

Another thing was that he's supposedly a very lonely guy and so she wants to be there to help him with his lonliness. Odd, I can't recall the last time she put this much effort in our relationship. Then one day she suddenly tells me they're going to start a photography business together. Funny, she has trouble commiting with me yet its so easy for her to commit to a business venture with a guy she just met?

 

I admit, there are times when I can't always talk to her becuase I'm busy with college assigments and projects and I guess she probably feels lonely herself so he's there to help her with that. Obviously its not hard to tell that they're having a very close connection going on and its as if she expects me to just adjust to her and him. This is where I feel as if I'm being put aside and of course I lash back at her for this.

 

Ever since he came into the picture we've been arguing a lot lately. Its as if their relationship is growing stronger while ours is suffereing, yet it seems as if shes ignores this. Doesn't she notice the constant arguing we go through now? I tell her that the more attention she gives him the more our relationship will suffer. She understands this yet I don't really think she does.

 

If I tell her to stop chatting and talking to him then she considers me selfish because I'm not letting her have any friends and that I also don't trust her at all. She knows that my last ex also had this close bond with another guy and then one day she told me "Um...it just happened. Sorry.." and that was the end of that relationship. Its because of that experience I dont want it ever go through that pain again. My girlfriend's counter argument was that I shouldn't let these past experiences interfere with our realtionship and that I'm starting to be become very controlling, but how can I when the scars are so painfully deep? I'm her first boyfriend so she's been fortunate enough to never been through any heartbreak and has never felt the pain of losing the person you gave your heart to.

 

Sigh..sometimes I wonder if our relationship is woth fighting for anymore. I'm on this thin line and I'm about to break. Am I going to far with this? Am I really controlling?

[DN]

"Controlling" is a word too often used by people who want to continue inappropriate behaviour.

 

If this friendship is too much for you too handle then tell her that it is corroding your relationship and you feel that it would be better to end it now if she won't at least talk about it reasonably and try to understand your point of view.

 

But you should certainly make more time for her - it is no use complaining about a partner spending too much time with someone else if you are not putting a fair effort into the relationship yourself.

[qtdeb01]

I was in a similar situation not too long ago. My b/f of 3yrs was not there for me as much I needed towards the end, and I met this guy through a coworker. He was there everytime my b/f was busy or wouln't answer the phone.

I also told him that we were just friends, that he was just someone I talked to, but before I knew it I started to like this guy a little more than I should of.

I started arguing with my b/f all the time and he became very jealous. The more we argued the closer I got to this guy.

I didn't realized at the time that my b/f was right, that I was the one causing the problem.

I'm not saying that your girl thinks the same way, but we women are much more emotional than you guys. We look for emotional confort and attention.

Talk to her and ask her what she needs from you. What she would like to see differently. If she's happy with you and you give her everything she needs, and you make her feel special and loved, like she's most important and most beautyful girl in the world, then she wont need to spend so much time if any with her guy friend.

[anggrace]

I think there are other issues here. If you felt secure in eachother, it probably wouldn't bother you so much. I understand that you are afraid because of your past, but its not like that with all girls. I have male friends who I would NEVER mess with. Does she invite you to hang out with them? Just curious.

[renaissancewoman101]

Your post makes you sound like you are a bit too controlling in terms of what you will allow or NOT allow her to do, hang out with, be friends with, etc. And then you are not around a lot because of your hectic schedule. Let her have some friends. If you dont act so possessive and controlling, maybe she wont feel the need to have all these guy friends.

[Jayar]

You can't allow or not allow anything. All you have control over is what you put up with. I can tell you that if I was truly into my BF, no guy would have MORE of my attention than my BF had... So if I was giving some guy more attention than I was my BF? Well, you can do the math...

 

You can't tell her she can or can't be friends with someone. You can tell her you will not be her boyfriend, though. And then find someone who's into you. Path of least resistance.

[melrich]

Is thing something that anybody should allow?

 

She's your girlfriend, not your pet. You don't have the right to allow or disallow her behaviours. You do have the right not to live with her behaviours.

[ghost69]

i would have said peace out when i found out she was hanging with another guy. gfs don't just do that. she has some other underlying reason. maybe she wants to move on and is waiting for you to say it.

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[ghost69]

something happened here. where and how did she meet this guy? none of my ex gfs have ever said, "hey i met this guy?" weird

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[thyroxine]

I agree with those who said to talk to her about it. I also agree with melrich that she is not your pet and you can't control what she does and doesn't do. As for ghost69's comment...I really disagree. I have mostly all male friends who I hang out with and have no underlying reason other than they are my friends. My boyfriend was a bit jealous and curious of the guys at first, but I explained the nature of our relationships (even the complications that exist) and he's fine with it.

 

Do you believe your gf would be bothered if you had a female friend you hung out with? Maybe step back and see yourself in her situation...and most importantly, talk to her about it!

[Masu16]

Ugh this is like what happened to me...my ex had lots of guy friends. I couldnt trust her even tho i knew she loved me. I thought shed be cheating on me when thats crazy to think about. And i took it too far sometimes. And well, its over now.

 

Point being, try not to get too jealous or worry about the guy. Its hard, as it was for me, and i kept asking her about it. Knowing she had guy friends made me 'clingy' towards her and she didnt like that. So i guess just play it normal if you can. But guys get jealous and sometimes its too hard to control.

[Rabican]

The other guy is making himself very available to her when she needs to talk, hes the nice guy, hes the guy she can talk to about YOU when you are mad at her about him. Guess where all this leads... ya you guessed it, leads to him getting in her pants. He knows it, you know it, and she knows it. So you have some options.

 

Be Mr controlling, and have lots of fights and just put up with it. Which will lead to your relationship falling apart, and her between the sheets with him.

 

End things now, and save the heartache, focus on school and find a girl whos ready to settle down. (note, shes probably not ready to settle down, if this is her first relationship).

 

Or, sit her down and have a very serious conversation about this. Dont yell, dont fight. Lay out all of your points in a very serious, matter of fact, caring way. Tell her you care about her, that you will focus on spending more time with her etc. However, explain to her how it makes you feel that she is going to another MAN to replace you. Ask her how she would feel if the situation were reversed. Also, make it a point to get to know this guy. If she doesnt want you to meet him then you know thats a problem right there. In the end you have to compromise. Either she scales back her 'guy friend' time, or you spend more time with her or something. But you cant go on as you are now.

 

One last final note, If im ever in the position of being with a girl and theres 'the guy friend' if Im not entirely comfortable with their friendship, Im breaking up the relationship and then going out for a beer like nothing ever happened. Ive been down a similar road before, and I drove myself INSANE wondering what was going on with her and her friends. I wont do that again. Id rather be single.

[renaissancewoman101]

I feel bad for the girl. You guys are all jumping on her because she has some guy friends. If you dont want her to have guy friends, then treat her better, make time for her, and be there for her, like a good bf should.

 

Good luck!

[thyroxine]

I'm with RW on this one!

[ghost69]

i understand thyro, it is okay for females to have guy friends and vice versa. but in this situation, she just met this guy while she was with him and is now spending time with the other guy. didn't you read the details? this is different than just having friends already. if i told my gf "hey i met this girl" and started hanging with her a lot, she would flip.

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[Rabican]

i understand thyro, it is okay for females to have guy friends and vice versa. but in this situation, she just met this guy while she was with him and is now spending time with the other guy. didn't you read the details? this is different than just having friends already. if i told my gf "hey i met this girl" and started hanging with her a lot, she would flip.

 

you know it bro, and all the females saying "oh hes just a friend" know it too. The girlfriend should be focusing on the relationship not this other guy. Thats the problem. The boyfriend maybe isnt treating her well enough, so what happens she runs to another man while hes off studying.... oh ya thats GREAT! what a way to ensure a solid bond with your man. PFffft

 

Try harder... thats too hard. Ill just befriend some guy who wants in my pants instead.

[ghost69]

not to duplicate the above; but all i'm saying is if my gf all of the sudden tells me she met some guy and is going to be hanging out with him, i'd be furious. that is EXACTLY the same as "i've met someone, we are through, i'm moving on." no chick or guy meets a chick at school, work, etc. and has not sexual thoughts about them and just 'hangs out' because they are cool. NEVER. if my gf said "hey i met this guy at work, he is really cool, i'm going to hang out with him this weekend." i'd say "good, hang out with him all you want. we are over." obviously this guy has some personality trait or physical trait that i don't that she wants to hang with him over her bf. wake up!

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[fnlyfrei]

Your post said that he was some lonely guy and she was "helping" him deal with his lonliness....is that her job? Even if she completely just likes him as a friend....HE will form the attachment to HER....and there you have rivalry...trouble....she should have just introduced him to someone ELSE, a single girfriend or some guy friends he could have started a business with...it seems they are leaning on each other which could naturally start things. Everyone can whine and scream that this might not be the case...but look at human nature and common sense. She says your past relationship is shadowing how you feel about her friendship now....well...don't we learn from history and past mistakes? There should be some kind of compromise both ways...to help YOU feel better and to consider HER feelings. If you want to stay together.

[ghost69]

yeah, for her to take it upon herself to hang out with this guy, help him through whatever, is bull. you need a serious talk with this chick or dump her before you get seriously hurt. she will more than likely crawl back after this guy makes a move on her, they hook up, maybe date a while, and break up. she's an idiot for doing this. ur an idiot for ever thinking this is cool at all.

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