TonyMar75 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 After a month of NC (actually, LC since we work together), I broke down and asked my ex to have lunch with me today. I told her how I felt. She told me the feelings she had that made her break up with me haven’t changed. I’m crushed, but also relieved that I know I can move on. I got the closure I needed. I told everyone here that I was going to send a card, but in the end I just asked, and I feel like the timing was right. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but now it's done and I don't have that constant, nagging wonder about whether it still could work out. Now, I’ll be stronger and better than before. I won’t make the same mistakes that I did with her in my next relationship. NC definitely helped me—it gave me time to grieve, to work on myself and remind myself that my life will go on. But I also recommend that people in my situation who have hope for a second chance not wait too long. Don’t let those hopes build too much before you ask your ex if there’s a possibility of another chance. It’s a fine line—you have to give them space and have to work on yourself, but you also have to do what you need to do to know for sure that it’s over. I left her alone for a month, and that seemed like a good amount of time. Everyone’s situation is a little different, of course, but that’s the point: You will feel in your heart AND your mind when it’s time for that conversation. My goal was to keep my dignity during this conversation, and I think that I did. I laid it out for her without any tears, begging, or pleading. I just needed her to know that I have used this time to think about us, that my feelings hadn't changed and that I could reenter a relationship with her as a better person, as the person she deserves. I’m just glad that I know now and can move on without any (false) hope. Now, I can find the woman who deseves me, and I her. Thanks to all on here who took the time to read my posts and give me strength and advice over the past month. I'm not sure I would have made it without this forum. I have to give special thanks to SuperDave. Dave, you have such a gift for helping people in this situation. Please, don't stop doing what you do. Best wishes to all… Tony Link to comment
Shaker Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Tony, Sorry it didn't go the way you had hoped, but I'm glad you're seeing the silver lining. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks, Shaker. Focussing on that silver lining is the key. Good luck to you! Tony, Sorry it didn't go the way you had hoped, but I'm glad you're seeing the silver lining. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Thank you so much Tony. I didn't do anything but tell you what you already knew. I wish you well my friend no matter what you do or wherever you go. You will find what you are looking for if it doesn't find you first. Take care and God Bless, Your Friend, SuperDave71 Link to comment
stlyooper Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Tony, The sensitive side of my that feels for and can relate to your situation wants to tell you that I am sorry that it didn't work out as you had hoped. However, I do not feel sorrow towards you and you sound like a pretty good guy... so just remember, it's her loss. What I do want to tell you though is pretty simple... CONGRATULATIONS! You have been successful in finding your way back to you, and you had the inner strength and fortitude to face your ex and rationally explain yourself and your feelings to her. That takes a man, and a fine man to pull it off. Pat yourself on your back and look forward to what life may bring you next! I wish you the best! Link to comment
spikespiegel Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 Tony, thanks for posting your experience. I'm sorry that things didn't go as you had hoped, but it sounds like you have grown immensely from your experience. At least now you KNOW, for certain, where you stand, and can move on, as you said. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Tony, The sensitive side of my that feels for and can relate to your situation wants to tell you that I am sorry that it didn't work out as you had hoped. However, I do not feel sorrow towards you and you sound like a pretty good guy... so just remember, it's her loss. What I do want to tell you though is pretty simple... CONGRATULATIONS! You have been successful in finding your way back to you, and you had the inner strength and fortitude to face your ex and rationally explain yourself and your feelings to her. That takes a man, and a fine man to pull it off. Pat yourself on your back and look forward to what life may bring you next! I wish you the best! Thanks to you all. I really needed to hear all that -- especially the above from Stylooper. I just hope others who are in the situation I was in will learn from it. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted January 29, 2007 Share Posted January 29, 2007 That sounds like a positive experience to me - you were dignified and you also found your answer. I think if I were her, I would appreciate enormously your courage and your dignity! Well done - I think this is terrific. I'm sorry it didn't work out as you wanted, but you were so brave and forthright, I do admire you. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 29, 2007 Author Share Posted January 29, 2007 Thanks, Honey! Link to comment
vesper Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hey Tony,, do you really want to find Closure?????? I mean the ultimate closure?????? Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hey Tony,, do you really want to find Closure?????? I mean the ultimate closure?????? I don't know, because I'm not sure what you mean... Link to comment
vesper Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I don't know, because I'm not sure what you mean... He's right here for ya Closure Readhis posts, have a laugh, you are cured and there ya go! Link to comment
bubbles07 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Hey tony, sorry to hear man, that sucks, I hate to say to it but don't you think that a month of NC was to soon? Its good that now you got closure and now you can concentrate on you and getting on with your life but I also think that when a person makes such a big decision to break of a relationship, it would take them more than a month to figure things out. I'm not saying wait and hold on to the hope of her coming back, but just don't feel bad about her never ever being back in your life because as you may of heard, people come and go in your life and sometimes it takes months, years, for a person to maybe come back. Thats what is so great about life, its all curve balls, you don't know what lies ahead, all you can do it live in the present and not the future. For now you got the closure that you need to make strides forward and thats exactly what you needed at a time like this. So go out there and do whatever makes you happy. Goodluck Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Hey, Bubbles. Thanks so much for the wise words. I'll admit, I had planned on waiting longer. But I caved in and did it, because I thought that I had been sensing something in her eyes at work that was an invitation to talk about it and see about another chance. Wow, was I wrong! I tried to tell myself I was just misreading those looks, but that did little to ease the crushing heartbreak I felt when she said her feelings about breaking up hadn't changed. But I needed that closure, and needed it at that moment, not later. I don't think more time would have made a difference. She has made up her mind and it's not gonna change. So, while I'm a firm believer in NC, I'm glad I did it. Now I enter the second and final healing phase with the knowledge that she knows that I have reflected on the relationship, saw my faults and was willing to make changes to make it work. She just doesn't think I have it in me to do that, though, and doesn't want to be hurt again. I respect and understand that, though I still can't believe that it ended this way. But if she can walk away like she has done, then that's all I need to know that it wasn't meant be and to move on. Aminae, I checked out Closure's stuff. Hilarious! Thanks for the tip! Thanks again to all for the support and advice. It was a lifesaver! Tony Link to comment
vesper Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Glad closure helped you. If I had to simplify everything into a defining moment for me in healing in this last year, it would be finding him, no really. I've been going through crap probably for two years, it will be: finding "CLOSURE" - literally: as follows..... ME - locked myself in a hotel room at the beach, holiday inn in north padre island. I took tons of hits of e and read Closure's posts on ENA. It was a delightful surprise, I was not expecting to find Closure that weekend. Then do you know whats even stranger??????? I See his profile picture of the guy playing volleyball in the pool? I thought he was staying at my hotel and was playing a trick on me. CAN you spell PARANOIA???? Then LadyBugg put a picture of a crazy jailbird woman with a beard and 10 chins and greasyhair and I thought she was morphing into me and I almost had it. Well anyways. Thought you may like to know. Closure saved my life. YOu need a laugh, that's all. Learn how to laugh again. It may seem impossible to imagine, but its there, trust me. You will get through this. (hugs) to ya from texas! BTW - Did you know that all my ex's life in texas?! and I am not moving to Tennesee NO WAY - thats where Superdave lives. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 You are SO what I need right now. Thanks for the laughs and the hugs! Funny, but I have an ex in Austin, actually, and that was my last painful breakup -- she moved to Austin from Tampa and when I offered to go with her, she said no. Ouch. I seem to remember feeling the same way then that I do now--like I had lost the best woman I could hope for and every other woman I dated afte her would be miserably anticlimatic. In retrospect, while I still feel she's a beautiful sweatheart and an amazing woman, she ain't all that I saw that she wasn't right for me. I know in time I'll almost certainly feel the same way about my new ex, though I really do have regret about how I treated her that I know will linger for a very, very long time. Hugs to all... Tony Link to comment
vesper Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Tony! WAKE - UP you should be saying that YOU are the best man that any woman could hope for! Come-on! You are beautiful and wonderful any woman would be lucky and honored to have a chance with you. Except me because I m in love with Closure. ..................."Closure, in Bedfordshire, England with a picture in a pool with a volleyball.... Will you marry me???? ha ha " Hugs tony! Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Aww, shucks. Thanks. Well, if things don't work out with out Closure... Link to comment
vesper Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 are you asking me out on a date? Or do you just want an excuse to come to Austin to stalk your ex???? ha ha . j/k I kind of AM rebounding so ya know what to expect. lol Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 What happens when BOTH people are rebounding? Link to comment
vesper Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 What happens when BOTH people are rebounding? ha ha good question. I don't see how it could be a good thing at all. Two rebounds don't make a right. ha Link to comment
vesper Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 Im sorry Tony, I can't respond to your PM because Im really not interested in getting close to anybody new right now. I'd like to keep it public and I've enjoyed your Closure thread. No hard feelings but if you want to know about my life just read all my threads. It's all there. and BTW thanks for taking the time to listen and show interest. It really means a lot. Link to comment
TonyMar75 Posted February 2, 2007 Author Share Posted February 2, 2007 No hard feelings at all, Rae. I understand completely. Thank YOU for everything, too! Link to comment
vesper Posted February 3, 2007 Share Posted February 3, 2007 No hard feelings at all. I understand completely. Thank YOU for everything, too! you are welcome! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now