THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[papalazarou]

 

Confucius say "Man who sit on toilet all day have crappy outlook"

 

He also said man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day!

 

Surfjon I admire your stamina old chap. You have alot of self control buddy. I applaud you.

[CrapAtNC]

surfjon, I got a lot out of your post. If you can be that strong when you have a 19-year relationship break up and have kids involved ... well, if you can do the NC thing as well as you are, then so can I.

 

You're doing exactly the right thing - best of luck to ya!

[JeckyllNHyde]

surfjon, I got a lot out of your post. If you can be that strong when you have a 19-year relationship break up and have kids involved ... well, if you can do the NC thing as well as you are, then so can I.

 

You're doing exactly the right thing - best of luck to ya!

 

couldnt agree more.

 

[orchidrose]

Day 25. Had a bad day - my sister was attacked a month ago and today was supposed to be the first hearing about it, but it was postponed. She was very upset; it's not been delayed to a few days before she's supposed to go back to school several hundred miles away, so she's worried about how things are going to turn out. I came close to crying on the way to work today, and thought a lot about the ex. Still upset about the birthday thing, and thinking about him way too much.

[Coyote9]

4 months tomorrow and the apathy is finally kicking in....even as my energy is low and I still think about, I finally don't care that much. She was a lousy girlfriend and I don't miss much about her at all at this point, other than my own hopes and dreams that she became attached to. Those are dead in the water now as well and I'm fine with that for the time being. Better to be numb for awhile after this constant pain for so many months.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Day 18 of NC...

 

Well, after reading Surfjons post about how he just dealt with it, it kind of woke me up a in a way.

I have been all depressed, not wanting to wake up and get out of bed, didn't go to the gym today because i didn't feel like it and made a lame excuse to myself that "its too late to go now". Even while going out the break-up was on my mind yesterday.

But later this evening I got inspired and decided to really set a goal for myself which involves REALLy getting into shape and losing the extra pounds around my midsection (FOR ONCE!! had tried it but have given up so many times).

Really got into planning my workout routine and the good thing is that it's not easy to achieve it (since i never seem to lose/gain easily), so it really is taking effort on my part and will continue to when I try and stick to my healthy eating/working out/weight training.

So I'm pretty pumped and excited about what the future has in store for me with this goal and my goals when uni starts again. And look forward to seeing if I will achieve these goals finally.

 

**new lesson learned: when trying to get over someone it does wonders to find goals you want to achieve. your in the righ state of mind, its like someone has given you a "push" to just better yourself and go for it.

it may be changes THAT person wont see, but it really doesn't matter, because YOU will see it.

[bubblyblonde11]

4 weeks today

[surfjon]

Jeckyll,

YES!!! You will do it...........you won't contact.

I feel much better even just 1 solid week back to the gym. I always felt guilty about doing these sort of "individual" activities, gym, mtn. bike, etc.

I felt like in my spare time outside work, I wanted to be with my family so I would forego these personal activities and opt for a family activity, even if t was just sitting on a blanket outside and reading with them. Since they've left, I get the kids about 3 nights a week/weekend as they moved about 20 miles away and it's hard to arrange more right now. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible, it's just too painful to be there alot. She's coming this weekend whilst I'm away on a work related trip so I emailed her to take what she wants and that while she's at work next week (my daughter is 14 and stays some days at the apartment by herself) I'd deliver the stuff there as I have a truck and a trailer I can put it on. That's it, no discussion of she and I, simply business logistics and only through polite and respectful emails.

Until she is ready (if ever...) to discuss us, I'll not be the one to do it. I asked her not to go, she wanted time away, she went, and she's gone. I can't change those facts, I simply have to work on myself for me.

 

I've dropped from 178 lbs. to 167 lbs in the 3 weeks she's been gone, was not eating and that is not good, was not sleeping but "Lunesta fixed that sh*t, but I'm turning that around by forcing myself to get enough nutrition to be on my gym program and build some new muscle, and train for the next mountain bike racing season and surf season, didn't have time before to race, now I have nothing but time.

 

I long to reconcile with my wife, I'm crazy for her, she knows it too, and as we agreed not to date others, I'll remain true to her. We're married until we're divorced. I can't, however, simply wallow in my woe and despair and go downhill, I'm working on me for ME!! If she likes the "Me" she sees, she'll be back, if not then I'm ok because I've done it for myself. If she does not come back, than someday I may find someone to maybe be interested in (man, that's hard to imagine right now!!)and if I want to have something to offer, I have to have something to offer!

 

keep the faith all!!

 

"I feel my luck could change"....................Radioheads "Lucky"

[surfjon]

OMG!!!

Sh*t,

She's coming to my office to drop my son off as he's spending the nite with me and I have knots in my gut and feel like I'm gonna hurl. I haven't seen her in 10 days and last time I did, I DID throw up i was nervous and forlorn, I have to go outside and meet them and I'll have to see her although we won't speak, she's so lovely and in her cute car (VW Eos), she slays. She looks so hot but she's chiiled to me.

Hope I don't get any on my shirt................................

[CrapAtNC]

She hinted to me on MSN that she'd prefer it if I would look after her cats, so I took the bait and entered a brief conversation with her. She said she'll decide later if she wants me to take them.

 

While she was online, I asked if she was going to this salsa performance thing at a friend's bar tonight, and she replied she was busy preparing for her trip. So, I go to watch the performance, thinking my salsa instructors were in the show. But the ex walks in, all dolled up and sexy to perform. We nod at each other, but that's all. I can't understand why she would give me the impression she wasn't going to be there, then turns up to perform!

 

She looked great. Then I noticed some guys oggling her, an done of them looked like a guy who I think she likes. Probably wasn't, but I started to feel that panicky kind of jealous, so I left just as they started the show.

 

Went and hit some balls at the driving range next door and considered my feelings. I felt a little angry that she had not lied but deliberately not told the truth ... again. And I was a little hurt and annoyed that she didn't even say hello when she came in. Also frustrated that she didn't let me know about the cats.

 

Then it finally dawned on me that she was exactly the same when we were together. If we got back, this would be the relationship, and this is how I would feel.

 

I have grown a lot since the break-up. I'm still working on some aspects of myself, but overall I'm pretty happy with who I am. But I realise now that, unless she also changes, we would be doomed to break up pretty soon after getting back together.

 

Maybe she would improve because I wouldn't be making it worse this time. But maybe is maybe. It certainly isn't certainly. So, I'm now more accepting of the break-up, and resolved to moving on. I hope we can be friends, but it'll be difficult right now.

 

*sigh*

 

I'm ready to love and be loved again. Wonder who she will be ...

[surfjon]

I sometimes think that men and women both delight in looking good and being flirty when they see/know where the ex is going to be, it's like a "see what you are missing" it seems. Both sexes are capable of this tactic. My wife just dropped off my son, wouldn't look at me until she drove away, I think she avoids eye contact, we were always crazy (physically) about each other and I think still are, it's the emotional/psychological relationship that isn't working right now. I think it's her defense mechanism...................

Funny, I wasn't planning on seeing her but I had on some black jeans she always liked and a white peasant shirt she also likes, and I feel pretty good today so I just smiled and waved........................still I felt so sad seeing her pull away, Fridays are hard because we liked to have our "date night" on Fridays, I miss that. And a plethora of other wonders she graced my life with.

[orchidrose]

Day 26. I just looked at his MySpace profile for the first time since I went into NC. I feel awful.

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks to my counselor, I am learning to accept and process my feelings in a more practical way. When I left the bar last night, I felt my ex had become more distant than ever and that she really wanted little to do with me. I shouldn't be feeling this way about her, I know, but I do and I have to deal with that.

 

I had my phone on silent at the driving range, and was amazed to find when I crept into bed at 2 this morning that she had texted me just after midnight, mentioning she couldn't find me after the show, thanking me for offering to take care of her cats, letting me know that someone else was looking after them, and asking if I enjoyed her performance. I was shocked, because I felt she really wanted to stop having little communications with me.

 

I had been analyzing my feelings just before I saw the message and realised that most of what I felt was in my head. The text then confirmed that. I broke NC again. ](*,) I asked if I could call her, and she immediately replied (hasn't done that in a while) asking if I could give her half an hour first. I replied I would be sleeping, that she looked fantastic in what I did see of her salsa performance, and that she could call me if she wanted. Ten minutes later she replied asking me to call.

 

Now, I realise this isn't the place to be talking about how I broke NC, but it helps me deal with it, so you'll just have to put up with my ramblings - sorry. We talked until after 3 am. It was nice. She was friendly and fun and laughed with me. She mentioned something that I had done wrong recently, and I just accepted my mistake without making an apology. Then we went back to joking around and having a nice chat. I never thought we'd be able to do this again. I miss her. I miss our late night chats. I miss making her laugh.

 

What was even more remarkable was that she had to get up at 7 this morning to go on her work trip, and our chat was seriously encroaching her sleep time. But it was me who ended the conversation, not her. She would have talked forever. She always used to. I appreciated her sacrifice.

 

Apologies to all for living up to my username and breaking NC again. Clearly, though, that I did last for 11 days seems to have reawakened some friendly feelings in her, and I think maybe she was even missing me. She unblocked me from Facebook after 7 days of NC.

 

NC really does work. Sometimes I wish I had the strength to go the distance to get all this uncertainty out of my life and be able to move on properly; other times I just want to maintain a friendship with her. I love this girl. It's not all codependency. I've examined that. The codependency made the break-up more difficult but it isn't what made me fall in love with this unique lady ... and still have feelings for her.

 

I've decided to go LC in order to maintain our friendship. A while ago, she wanted us to be friends first and grow our relationship from there, but I refused, suspecting (correctly) that there was a rebound guy in the wings. i'll keep doing my thing, working on myself, enjoying my freedom, and being open to other relationships, but I'll still maintain a modicum of contact with the ex, as I like it, it makes me feel better, and she obviously feels the same way.

 

I realise I'm probably accepting defeat here, but I do so happily. I loved talking with her last night. I'm also aware that one day soon you'll be reading a broken-hearted post from me about how she had found a new boyfriend and how I wished I had maintained NC, but I accept that. I accept everything. This is my way of moving on. I was going NC to win her back - foolish, I know - but now I don't need her back. I want to be able to enjoy our funny, friendly, flirty little chats in the future. Maintaining contact will make that happen; NC won't. I think.

 

Anyway, sorry to waste bandwidth or whatever you call it. I'm just getting my feelings out. Just when I thought I had lost her as a friend, as someone special in my life (I have several special female friends, buut she means the most to me), it seems she is once again interested in sharing little moments with me, and I like that. It was a nice surprise.

 

Good luck all. Use stronger duct tape on me next time.

[Optigan]

Jesus Christ, dude, that cats business is so pathetic.

 

No hard feelings.

 

However, myself. Broken up for a few months, and pretty much broken. Been going No Contact (altough I became aware of the whole NC concept just a few days ago), but I don't really feel up to this challenge.

 

For example, today I'm dangerously close to actually making contact, but not to ask her back, but because I have questions. And yeah, I'm so frustrated I can't communicate my anger, sense of injustice... That's mainly what it's all about, this need to contact. That and getting answers.

 

Cause you know, don't you agree that the person that walked away can tell us very much about ourselves - whether they be right or not, we can at least learn what impression we've been making?

 

So getting some answers might be helpful...

 

But I'm ranting now. Keep up the good work! If you feel NC is a good idea for you, it most probably is.

[CrapAtNC]

Jesus Christ, dude, that cats business is so pathetic.

 

No hard feelings.

 

No hard feelings at all. It's all pathetic, I know. I'm crap at this stuff. ](*,)

[reiny]

I've given up. This hasn't worked for me. I've been in no contact ever since she left me 12 weeks ago. Today I got to know that she's seeing someone else. NC hasn't made me find myself and hasn't brought her back. Basically, all it has done is given me anguish. I was mega angry today and sent her a message telling her thanks for forgetting me so soon. You're having the time of my life while I'm here totally destroyed. Life is so unfair.

 

Needless to say, she didn't reply and if possible I don't want her to reply. I think this bit of news has given me the closure I needed. However I'd still like to speak to her to get some things off my chest which have been lurking there for the past 4 years. Smashing her face in may do me some good too.

[siennalou]

I would like to take the SuperDave NC challenge.

 

I divorced my evil ex husband 8 months ago and I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of his moving out.

 

I'm glad he's gone, he was a jerk, a liar and a cheater. I don't talk to him or email him.

 

Strangely though, I google him all the time (!!!). We were married for 20 years so I do still have feelings for him underneath all the hurt and grief and anger. Today I also considered calling him to talk to him about our teenage son.

 

That would be a BAD idea. My ex is abusive and our last communication was an evil email from him in June.

 

Thanks SuperDave!

 

This is day 1 for me.

[bubblyblonde11]

Day 30 Day 30 Day 30 No Contact For 30days.....i Made It And For Me That Part Was Easy....but Going For A New Record Of At Least 30years......even The Sad Feelings Are Beggining To Go And The Thoughts Well Are Very Minimal Now.

 

Ooooh Happy Days

[trying hard to understand]

well, i failed with no contact on day 23. sent a text when i knew he was leaving to go on a trip that we had planned to take together. I was desperate and felt horrible being left behind and unwanted. I will tell you this...his reply text did not make me feel any better. polite but cold.

 

Now it is day 29. I still want him back. I still hold hope that he will simply pick up the phone and start talking to me again. I KNOW that won't happen. But, I still can't shake the grain of hope or want.

[orchidrose]

Today was day 30. I unblocked him from AIM last night for the first time in that month. When I got home from the bar, I had a message from him, and we've been talking politely this afternoon. It's funny -- this is actually making me feel better. He's a total sad sack. Not that he's missing me, but that he's still in the same rut that he was in the whole time we were together of a crappy job and working himself ragged. I don't need or want that. He's being very polite, asking lots of questions, but part of me just wants to say "Listen, it's very nice that you're prying into my life but.. I don't think I want you to."

 

I'm debating starting NC again tomorrow. We will see.

[thouse]

I want to take the challenge even though I already messed up today. I'm not sure who broke up with who in my relationship because the reason why we are not together is because after 3 years of dating he was still not ready to be in a committed relationship so I said it's best if I move on. Anyhow he called me twice today, the first time I didn't answer and then the second time that he called he left a message saying that the kids wanted to come over and swim. So I called him back because I wanted the kids, they aren't my kids with him but after so much time together we have grown really close. Anyhow he never showed up with them, and when I called him to see why he did not atleast call to say he changed his mind and was not bringing the kids he did not answer. I think he just used the kids to get to me cause he knew I would answer the phone if those kids are involved.

 

I am not severely upset or depressed about us not being together, because I know I am worth a lot more than what he could give me, so I am thinking No Contact will let him know he should move on too since he didn't think me worry enough to committ too.

[siennalou]

Day 2 - NC

 

I deleted all the bookmarks on the ex. That was good.

 

I wanted to call my ex's fiance's ex (who is a friend) but I didn't. (That was good) I know he & his new love are on a 2 week vacation. Good for them!

 

Of course I really don't believe that. I hope it rains every day, I hope he's abusive of her and I hope they have a really really bad time. Sorry can't help it, she WAS a friend. Some day I'll reach the point where I just don't care. That is what I'm looking forward to. Indifference to the creeps.

[koalabear]

DAY 1

 

 

i know i sort of missed the boat on this one but maybe some of us newbies can support each other through this. i messed up big time last evening. i called him, said some really sad, pathetic stuff then emailed him THEN texted him. he was very nice, but totally unfeeling. i had been doing so well this week! getting out with friends and keeping myself busy, but when i threw a little (well, okay, a lot of) sangria into the mix i totally lost it. so NC starts now. maybe posting about it will keep me accountable. it is 6 a.m. on august 13. i need to reread the rules of this challenge but i think i am supposed to post how i feel right now too. right now i feel completely embarrassed, disappointed by his response, but resolved to get myself back of the next 30 days.

[jimbobdaley]

Not sure how many days....

 

But I know she will contact me soon cos i have some of her things

 

This is a such a LOOOOOONG process. I want to let go....... It's going to take years..

 

I can't I love her & miss her like all of us poor & lost souls.

[Benjyh]

day something i like 18 not sure

 

had a rough couple of days really felt like texting her to APLOGISE!! dont ask me why, she made me feel guilty the last time we talked, and blocked me! even though she broke up with me, i would like to talk to her, but im staying strong im better than her, i will survive without her, i just miss the company, its a lonely life without her, it feels so empty nothing to look forward to anymore bah i feel like crying