What is marriage for?

[anggrace]

I find this topic very interesting. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I love the romantisism of it, but its a bit discouraging these days.

 

Why do you think people are so eager to get married?

[agent1607307371]

I think because it's what you do.

 

I never held much stock in it, couldn't figure out why people would do it because I don't feel the need to do it socially or religiously. But I found a quote about marriage that read "Your life will not go unnotticed, I will notice. Your life will not go unwitnessed, I will be your witness." And I think the idea of standing up to annouce that to be quite satisfying as a reason.

 

I still don't get the wedding madness though.

[itsallgrand]

Mostly because it is what they have been taught.

 

Maybe grim and cynical? Dunno. I think that is the brunt of it.

 

Though, I do think there is a primal call in us for security and mating. No better way to find security than to have a family unit with mixed members.

Marriage is natural, in a way. A declaration of two getting together and making a statement to the community about it. That is important.

Problems is our 'community' is so mixed and in transition that the declaration doesn't really have a clear message anymore. The ease of divorce and the fact that we live so long plays a role I think too. Our partners don't die off when they used to! It's complicated.

 

I think a lot of long term relationships are basically marriages nowadays. Somehow, not getting officially married seems to work better for some - even though they put many marriages to shame.

 

Out of curiosity, have you ever been married?

[anggrace]

Nope, haven't been married. Been with my bf for two years now. People bring it up, "when are you guys getting married?" At first I thought, yeah, when are we gonna get married? Is he gonna ask? I started to get caught up in the idea, but then stepped back and wondered why it is I felt the need. I guess it was that I wanted security. But Im not so certain that marriage in itself will do that. Shouldnt I feel secure in that my partner wants to be with me and is commited w/out paperwork?

[DN]

Based only on my own experience of thirty-two years of marriage (as of tomorrow) I can say that I recommend it.

[anggrace]

Based only on my own experience of thirty-two years of marriage (as of tomorrow) I can say that I recommend it.

 

Congrats! Thats nice to hear.

[Gath]

I find this topic very interesting. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I love the romantisism of it, but its a bit discouraging these days.

 

Why do you think people are so eager to get married?

 

I don't know. I've seen some horrific divorces, and it seems to me the act of marriage, ie: letting the government stick its fat foot in your relationship, is really a bad idea.

 

Divorce is a very scary thing these days. Especially for men. The courts tend to be very unfriendy to guys, and are quite happy to both take away their children and take away their finances. You hear a lot about "dead beat dads", but how often do you see exposes about women who take their ex's children and move far far away?

 

I think it would be wonderful to have the kind of relationship my grandparents, or even my parents have. Get married at 18, and stay that way till you die. But from what I've seen of friends and relatives, thats a terribly hard thing to find now.

[cc2006]

Nope, haven't been married. Been with my bf for two years now. People bring it up, "when are you guys getting married?" At first I thought, yeah, when are we gonna get married? Is he gonna ask? I started to get caught up in the idea, but then stepped back and wondered why it is I felt the need. I guess it was that I wanted security. But Im not so certain that marriage in itself will do that. Shouldnt I feel secure in that my partner wants to be with me and is commited w/out paperwork?

 

You know, it is weird. I don't see the "point" of marriage. I understand the arguments FOR it, but I just can't see the same way. I'm not religious, so that removes that whole aspect.

 

 

 

So basically what I'm left looking at is this: I can have a totally commited relationship with someone (without marriage). Then, if I so choose, I can pay a (usually large) sum of money and throw a party ... after which we're married. At that point, to me, we're still just as commited before ... but now we've backed outselves into a corner. NOW if some time down the line one of us decides we can't do this any longer, we have to pay someone to divide up our assets, children, and odds are garnish my wages for possibly the rest of my life. Sounds like fun!

 

Now, if marriage made it so you never fell out of love, never hurt your spouse, and made relationships WORK ... then hell, I'd be all for it. As it is now it just adds an extra layer on top of a relationship and causes SO many more problems if that relationship does not work out "forever".

 

 

 

 

I asked my ex why she wanted to get married. Her answer? "Because I want to." I grilled her further ... and all she could come up with is "Because thats what people do."

 

I told her about the possible downsides ... the fact that it doesn't suddenly make a relationship work flawlessly. Her response? "Well thats why I'm going to marry someone thats perfect for me and we'll stay together forever."

 

So .. yeah .. she is my ex. I wasn't perfect for her, partly because of my views on marriage.

[ImThatGirl]

I asked my ex why she wanted to get married. Her answer? "Because I want to." I grilled her further ... and all she could come up with is "Because thats what people do."

 

I told her about the possible downsides ... the fact that it doesn't suddenly make a relationship work flawlessly. Her response? "Well thats why I'm going to marry someone thats perfect for me and we'll stay together forever."

 

So .. yeah .. she is my ex. I wasn't perfect for her, partly because of my views on marriage.

 

cc - Are you my ex boyfriend? I'm completely kidding but that sounds like conversations I've had.

 

Majority of the people I've talked to that don't want to get married only have the reason of "divorce is expensive" or marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

Marriage - What better way to show your love and unity together in the eyes of everyone and God.

 

An ultimate step to showing your undying love to someone you want to be with forever, someone you want to grow old with, someone that you can never imagine yourself without.

[ImThatGirl]

I find this topic very interesting. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I love the romantisism of it, but its a bit discouraging these days.

 

Why do you think people are so eager to get married?

 

Marriage does offer security as well. Since divorce has become so acceptable, marriage is necessarily a safety net. But the unity of marriage should offer a life of unity.

 

That's what I want.

 

Rather than someone that see's no need for marriage and can walk out at anytime... Mind you, I realize there are people that just don't see a need for marriage and will remain committed for a lifetime. But I think there are more that see "not" being married as their chance to walk away if times get rough.

 

JMO

[anggrace]

cc - Are you my ex boyfriend? I'm completely kidding but that sounds like conversations I've had.

 

Majority of the people I've talked to that don't want to get married only have the reason of "divorce is expensive" or marriage is just a piece of paper.

 

Marriage - What better way to show your love and unity together in the eyes of everyone and God.

 

An ultimate step to showing your undying love to someone you want to be with forever, someone you want to grow old with, someone that you can never imagine yourself without.

 

I love the romantic idea commiting to one person for the rest of you life. I really do. Why cant you make that kind of commitment to someone without paperwork? Why do you need a signature? Isnt that persons word enough? I mean, you could still have a celebration or exchange a gift symbolizing your love.

[Batya33]

I find this topic very interesting. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I love the romantisism of it, but its a bit discouraging these days.

 

Why do you think people are so eager to get married?

 

I like the sense of the official, legal commitment and I would not have or adopt children outside of a (stable) marriage.

[ImThatGirl]

I love the romantic idea commiting to one person for the rest of you life. I really do. Why cant you make that kind of commitment to someone without paperwork? Why do you need a signature? Isnt that persons word enough? I mean, you could still have a celebration or exchange a gift symbolizing your love.

 

I suppose you can if you have 2 people that are completely comfortable with that.

 

That's just definitely not for me. I want a wholesome marriage and I just can't gather why anyone would consider marriage just a piece of unnecessary paper.

 

Why not take the extra step and get married?

[Baby Carrot]

I never held much stock in it, couldn't figure out why people would do it because I don't feel the need to do it socially or religiously. I still don't get the wedding madness though.

Yeah! It´s not genuine, it´s pure show. I can´t stand all that artificial hoo-ha.

 

 

I don't know. I've seen some horrific divorces, and it seems to me the act of marriage, ie: letting the government stick its fat foot in your relationship, is really a bad idea. .

Exactly. Is like... how far are you willing to go to get a wee bit of validation? How bad you need it for doing all the big circus wedding with costumes and thousands of dollars thrown on a few hours?

 

So basically what I'm left looking at is this: I can have a totally commited relationship with someone (without marriage). Then, if I so choose, I can pay a (usually large) sum of money and throw a party ... after which we're married. At that point, to me, we're still just as commited before ... but now we've backed outselves into a corner. NOW if some time down the line one of us decides we can't do this any longer, we have to pay someone to divide up our assets, children, and odds are garnish my wages for possibly the rest of my life. Sounds like fun!

Now, if marriage made it so you never fell out of love, never hurt your spouse, and made relationships WORK ... then hell, I'd be all for it. As it is now it just adds an extra layer on top of a relationship and causes SO many more problems if that relationship does not work out "forever".

I asked my ex why she wanted to get married. Her answer? "Because I want to." I grilled her further ... and all she could come up with is "Because thats what people do."

I told her about the possible downsides ... the fact that it doesn't suddenly make a relationship work flawlessly. Her response? "Well thats why I'm going to marry someone thats perfect for me and we'll stay together forever."

So .. yeah .. she is my ex. I wasn't perfect for her, partly because of my views on marriage.

OMG! Statements like this makes me wanna get married to guys like you LOL. No, seriously, I absolutely agree. Getting married cuz that´s what people do? Like, seriously? How exasperating. If you´re gonna go thru all the freakshow at least give me ONE good reason to do it ya know... Together forever? Gimme a break, get real and be a little bit more humble. You don´t know what´s gonna happen in 30 years like for, one fine day, promising to someone that you´re gonna be together forever and ever. As amazing as it would be, life´s far from being a cheesy love song. I wouldn´t dare to make that kind of promises unless I had a crystal ball to see the future.

 

 

I love the romantic idea commiting to one person for the rest of you life. I really do. Why cant you make that kind of commitment to someone without paperwork? Why do you need a signature? Isnt that persons word enough? I mean, you could still have a celebration or exchange a gift symbolizing your love.

Yeah, but that´s all that it is, a romantic idea. Just like Cinderella and all those pretty fairy tales, they´re nothing but romantic idealizations. I also love the idea of Santa Claus and the angels and the saints, but that doesn´t make them real. Like Buda said, life flows, changes, falls apart, reborns, there´s nothing, absolutely nothing static in life or in universe to cling to. Specially all the marriage contract, that is more like a symbolic shackle that people see as something positive and happy. The wedding rings say: "You see this shackles baby, I´m your slave"

 

Phew I could go on forever.

[caro33]

I was never a particular advocate for marriage, and had the 'it's just a piece of paper' perspective until relatively recently.

 

I have a few reasons for supporting the concept of marriage:

 

1) Because the process of getting married involves some very serious reckoning about the commitment. There's nothing like the concept of 'until death do us part' to make you draw breath and think 'wow, I had better mean this'. I think that no matter what some people say about marriage beng 'just a piece of paper', this process, and the act of making vows in front of others you love and respect, puts a whole extra level of seriousness and significance over a long term live-in relationship with no marriage. Having had both I can tell you it's different. When in my long-term defacto thing I think that secretly both of us on occasion entertained the thought that we would bail if we couldn't be bothered any more (not that I ever would have). Well, he did bail, and there were no consequences for him whatsoever.

 

2) As an earlier poster put it re the "I will witness your life" thing, but they used a much better quote! The commitment here is strong, and real, and I think it's the only marriage-type quote I have seen that makes me feel warm and fuzzy, not creeped out.

 

3) For the reason (1) above, getting married was the only form of relationship I would contemplate for having children. I need to know that I have someone who is as commited as I am, and around for the long haul.

 

Now there are dodgy marriages that people enter into with no thought, and there are marvellous long term defacto relationships that are deep and abiding. As we well know, marriage does not provide immunity to cheating, and there are also high divorce rates. So the notion above of 'marriage is more serious' is in its pure, conceptual form, not necessarily the reality.

 

But if we are talking about it as a concept, and comparing it to the non-married relationship as a concept, to me it's far preferable if it's commitment you're after. The whole fairy tale BS, the awful wedding preparation horrors and the sexist 'women as property' elements bug me like nothing on earth, but these are not necessarily the defining characteristics of marriage, they are the cultural add-ons you can ignore if you want to.

[caro33]

I love the romantic idea commiting to one person for the rest of you life. I really do. Why cant you make that kind of commitment to someone without paperwork? Why do you need a signature? Isnt that persons word enough? I mean, you could still have a celebration or exchange a gift symbolizing your love.

 

The thing is, I think that many people use the 'why have paperwork' aspect as an excuse for not making the commitment at all. So they get to pretend they are probably commited, without staking anything on it. I think that at the end of the day the paperwork itself - the form of the document and who signs it - means bugger all. And in my opinion the complaints about divorce are beside the point. They show automatically a lack of will in that person to make the effort to make the relationship work, no matter what, which is really the highest level of commitment marriage aspires to.

 

If you are both making a commitment, and doing this seriously and even in front of your families and friends, then perhaps you have the elements of a marriage without the whole legal aspect. Fine. The ceremony and procedural aspects are perhaps flexible. However, these do still play a role in reminding you as the years go by that you have made a real choice, one you can't back out of. They are there in your moments of doubt to say 'nuh uh, I don't get to bail because I feel lazy or uncommitted right now'.

[cc2006]

OMG! Statements like this makes me wanna get married to guys like you LOL. No, seriously, I absolutely agree. Getting married cuz that´s what people do? Like, seriously? How exasperating. If you´re gonna go thru all the freakshow at least give me ONE good reason to do it ya know... Together forever? Gimme a break, get real and be a little bit more humble. You don´t know what´s gonna happen in 30 years like for, one fine day, promising to someone that you´re gonna be together forever and ever. As amazing as it would be, life´s far from being a cheesy love song. I wouldn´t dare to make that kind of promises unless I had a crystal ball to see the future.

 

LOL ... I always enjoy finding people that look at certain things as I do, because I feel I'm awash in throngs of people that don't most the time.

 

 

All I really wanted from my ex was a reason as to why marriage, to her, was so wonderful. If it is such a huge step that she REQUIRES before she turns 30 then I'd think she'd have at least ONE good reason as to why she'd do it. Sadly the answers I got were ... well to be honest ... lame non-answers.

 

I've been to quite a few marriages in my life (family members, friends, etc) and off the top of my head I'd have to say 4/5's of them are no longer together.

 

They had the whole "in front of your family/friends" vows. They had the whole "in front of god" thing in many examples, having religion involved. They had all the bells and whistles that people who believe in the wonders of marriage say are required/good things to prove you're taking a commitment seriously to be with each other until death. They still aren't married to each other anymore, regardless of that wonderful stuff that dreams are made of.

 

Yeah, but that´s all that it is, a romantic idea. Just like Cinderella and all those pretty fairy tales, they´re nothing but romantic idealizations. I also love the idea of Santa Claus and the angels and the saints, but that doesn´t make them real. Like Buda said, life flows, changes, falls apart, reborns, there´s nothing, absolutely nothing static in life or in universe to cling to. Specially all the marriage contract, that is more like a symbolic shackle that people see as something positive and happy. The wedding rings say: "You see this shackles baby, I´m your slave"

 

Phew I could go on forever.

 

I guess in the end, for me, in comes down to this:

 

If two people come together and have a commited relationship and plan to be together forever and both believe/want marriage ... then sure, why NOT get married if they both want to. You get a neat party, some gifts, some pictures to show your friends and family, and you're treated like royalty for an evening.

 

Just know, that marriage does not cement you two together forever. It won't make you treat each other better, or love each other more, or never hurt one another or break up. YOU have to do all that stuff yourself ... Magic-Piece-O'-Marriage-Paper doesn't do it for you ... ya' gotta do the work on your own.

 

 

On the other hand, if you're in a relationship with someone and they're completely commited to you and plan to be together forever but one of you DOESN'T want to get married ... then you should enjoy what you have and not try and force that person into comforming to your ideals. Nor, really, do I believe people should make marriage such a universally required action that if you're in a great relationship with someone for a year or two you should throw it away and start over just because one person doesn't want to get married.

 

 

 

When I've said, "I love you more than I have ever loved another person ... and I can't imagine my life without you" I have meant it. Sadly, I guess because we didn't do it in front of all our friends/family/coworkers/aquaintances and a religious or legally-binding official I might as well have said "I like you and hope we stick together until we get sick of each other."

 

 

My ex broke NC the other night, it had been about a month. I answered the phone. We had a decent conversation and it seemed friendly. Funny enough, in the middle of talking about something random she asked me if I "re-thought my position on marriage." I almost hung up.

 

Maybe she just doesn't understand that my love, when I give it to someone, is fully given ... and that marriage doesn't mystically make it more concrete or 'better'.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think people have a strong desire to 'mate' and bond... marriage is really about finding a mate, someone to build your nest with, have children with, common goals, someone to help you, take care of you, stand by you, share your assets with to both have a better life, etc.

 

but the problem is, lots of people do it as a social convention, because it is expected of them, when they don't really have the fundamental underlying love/maturity/commitment to that one person. so they marry for maybe only one reason (cheaper for two to live together) or (she is pregnant, but i dont' really want to be with her) or (we've been together a long time, so i guess we should do it). that is when marriage doesn't work, when one is looking for a real mate, and the other is just solving a temporary problem, or not really into lots of reasons to stay married to the person.

[AwdreeHpburn]

I find this topic very interesting. I have mixed feelings about the whole idea. I love the romantisism of it, but its a bit discouraging these days.

 

Why do you think people are so eager to get married?

 

 

 

In the US....to file jointly.........

[Batya33]

There's no crsytal ball for anything - it's all a leap of faith - one my parents made 51 years ago as of next month.

[JimmerJammer]

Commitment can be made without the need for marriage so I'd rule that out for its purpose, however I do feel that marriage is a unified goal. It shows that you won't take the easy way out or that your being together is a signal and something to strive for. Bad things happen and so do good things, its less stressful and easier to handle when its just the two of you in a LTR, but throw marriage in and the anxiety level shoots up. Especially if the couple has been in failed relationships or been in close encounter with failed marriages. It adds to the worry that it won't work out and so its a major reason why people fail to go through with it and are happy wihtout it.

 

Since so many marriages fail nowadays its a pretty clear sign that people are admitting to the public and to their friends that they can't handle the waves, the bumps and turns that a marriage can take. See that's just it though, no clear definition or understanding of what is being asked of them is really known before hand. Usually its the fairytale people live by or the romanticism of it all and even the tradition of it that pulls people in.

 

Many might call the religion aspect that area that gives them energy to push forward because they're doing it for something greater than themselves and it does work for that, but I think its more for each other than it is for a higher up. I mean really, take a good look around these days. Doesn't anyone notice how much individuality seems to be shunned these days? Or how speaking up can lead to aggression or being a social outcast? How does this measure up to the topic of marriage, well think about it. How many people out there play it safe and go by being careful and when the person expresses who they are to the other person, they get rejected! Their behaviour or actions or choices are unacceptable in the other persons eyes and it makes no sense to them to understand it. They put on a dumbfounded look and go "you're an idiot!" and I feel marriage is what ties it together. Its what reminds you that you're there for each other, you're there to grow together and to recognize each other as individuals working towards the same goal; Love, happiness and the potential to raise a family through good times and bad.

[MissTee]

I wouldn't even consider having a child without being married. My parents would be devasted.

 

I guess it's just the way society is.

[Ronbo3g]

hey That Girl,

I cannot agree with your points, it does not bring happiness, security or improve love. It is a pure hallmark creation to make the families cry, the suppliers smile in there new found wealth. Avoid the pain, either you are in love and committed or you are not. Do not need a wedding for my friends to know that, they will see it in our eyes when they are around us. I have been with my partner for over 11 years, no fuss, no worries. And you know what, we still act like we did when we first dated. We both stay in shape, dress nice, go out, and enjoy each others company. We own our homes together, cars, and other stuff. So what was the reason again for the paper and the pain?

 

Ron

[Batya33]

hey That Girl,

I cannot agree with your points, it does not bring happiness, security or improve love. It is a pure hallmark creation to make the families cry, the suppliers smile in there new found wealth. Avoid the pain, either you are in love and committed or you are not. Do not need a wedding for my friends to know that, they will see it in our eyes when they are around us. I have been with my partner for over 11 years, no fuss, no worries. And you know what, we still act like we did when we first dated. We both stay in shape, dress nice, go out, and enjoy each others company. We own our homes together, cars, and other stuff. So what was the reason again for the paper and the pain?

 

Ron

 

That is your and your partner's opinion. For me, since I want to have a family, I think it is better emotionally and financially for a child to be raised in a marital home. And, marriage has nothing to do with the party when the couple gets married.

[anggrace]

Okay, well, let me ask another question. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone... why not get married?

 

Although I don't think having a ceramony or doing all the other stuff that makes your comitment legal is nesesary for a commitment, why not do it if you supposedly want to spend the rest of your life w/them?

 

For me, as Ive said before, I love the romantisism of it, but I think that its very possible for people to change as they grow, and who's to say you will still be so compadible as you evolve? Its obviously a risk you take- but Im not so sure it's worth making a commitment you might end up breaking.

 

By the way, Im not at all against marriage. Its just such a huge part of our culture and I think its worth asking these questions to better understand it.