Healthy Relationships: Debunking the Myth

[2tragic]

So the other night I was sitting up with some friends and everyone was congratulating me for finally ending my unhealthy, co-dependent relationship and then this one fella dropped the bomb on me:

 

"There is no such thing as a healthy relationship anymore!" "They are all co-dependent, or one-sided.....I can't name one that isn't, not even my parents".

 

I started feeling like an idiot for ending mine. And then I thought I would come to enotalone for answers and support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

.............I would like to see this thread go a long, long way.

 

Please take a minute to introduce an example of one healthy couple you have known. I mean really spent some time with and witnessed. Please describe a short example about what you think makes them a healthy couple. Only real, unique examples. NO CLICHES!!!

 

This would give me and hopefully everyone who participates, a glimmer of hope, even if it only lasts for one minute.

[rocio]

My grandparents had a relationship that seemed healthy to me.

 

But then, I may have been a dillusional child.

[EddieRentz]

I have a few I can think of. Not sure though - no one knows unless you live with them.

 

My best friend was jealous of my relationship for a long time. 2 months after he tells me, he is engaged and I am thrown out on my ear... tough to gauge.

 

I will say that one particularly strong couple (married 35 years) who happen to be the future in-laws of that friend put it this way:

 

When asked "How do you keep the spark, the affection, the caring for this long?" the mother responded "we both know how to choose our battles. you have to let a lot of things go and simply fight for those things that are crucial."

 

Not easy for a lot of people...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I don't think any relationship is totally healthy. Everyone has issues that they take into a relationship which makes the relationship unhealthy or unbalanced in some respect. The key is finding out what works for you and what behaviours you can or can't live with. Obviously some behaviours are worse than others and shouldn't be tolerated (physical abuse). I have seen couples in a marriage of convenience (they like each other, don't love each other, but are together because it suited their needs such as not wanting to be alone, having the "image" to suit career aspirations etc). I have seen couples very much in love but one is more domineering than the other. Relationships are all about taking the good with the bad. Sure independence is good but there is a certain amount of co-dependency in relationships...it is a matter of the degree of co-dependency. If people in a marriage are too independent, that is not healthy either.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that there are healthy relationships out there, but that doesnt mean that their relationship is perfect. I believe that a healthy relationship is mature, understanding and comitted. I have seen relationships like this, but they are not the norm.

[arwen]

I think it's easy to confuse 'HEALTHY' with 'PERFECT'. I am convinced my relationship is very healthy but I'd never say it's perfect. The same holds for the relationship of my parents, who have been happily married for over 30 years now.

 

For me, healthy means balanced, with mutual respect, 100% loyalty, and complete honesty.

 

That means that whenever something occurs that may disturb the balance, we should talk about it and respect each other's feelings. A small example, I was at my bf's place for a week (we live in different cities since I moved), and I visited a friend (all my friends are in his town). I got home late and didn't call. In my previous relationship, my ex wouldn't have been bothered by that at all, but my bf was a bit grumpy. I asked and he didn't tell me what was his problem. So I gave him a bit of 'air' and just made him a cup of tea, and he opened up and said he had had such a bad day and just needed me around and that he felt stupid for admitting that he was jealous I was with a friend. He wants me to see my friends, and would never tell me not to, that is why he didn't want to tell and felt so stupid over feeling this way.

 

I still visit friends, but if it's late I call in and ask about his day a bit. It's give and take. I know this is just a small issue, but things like these, on the long term can really make a relationship unbalanced and hence unhealthy if not expressed and communicated.

 

Ilse

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

I think mine is healthy.

 

Because:

 

1) We both make each other happy MUCH more often than we cause each other problems

2) There are few problems, anyway

3) Any issues that DO arise can be talked about/discussed in a rational way

4) We have certain unspoken boundaries that are based on trust/love/respect

5) We are both willing to compromise sometimes, and if not, we explain why in a clear/mature way etc

6) We have yet to have any arguments at all in 14 months

7) We share the same longterm plans regarding our lives with each other, e.g we both want to share our lives with each other/get married within 3 years

 

There's more but its a little nauseating.

Blah, Blah. Blah....its not "perfect", but its certainly healthy.

[BellaDonna]

Please take a minute to introduce an example of one healthy couple you have known. I mean really spent some time with and witnessed. Please describe a short example about what you think makes them a healthy couple. Only real, unique examples. NO CLICHES!!!

 

I believe that I am in a healthy relationship. We have been together for 11 years and things have only gotten stronger with time. (If it was anything less than healthy I would not be in it)

 

What I think makes my relationship healthy:

 

*True commitment.

 

*Not taking one another for granted, no matter how long you've been together. This is especially important in the sexual aspects/romantic aspects of relationships.

 

*Respectful communication. We very rarely argue. Voices are never raised. Even if you disagree on a point, it can be done respectfully. You'll never hear one of us saying something hurtful to the other. You'll never hear us say "shut up" or any of the other rude things I've heard some couples say to one another. We have never gone to bed mad.

 

*He and I never let others interfere in our relationship. That means friends, family, and whoever else know better to stay out of our business.

 

* We both like our space too, and spend time alone, or with friends and family.

 

*We do know that we can depend on one another. That's a good feeling. Dependency does not have to be negative. But we also both know that if we were apart we could survive. We have self-esteem. So no one is trapped emotionally or financially. We are together because we want to be, not because we have to be.

 

Of course, no relationship out there is perfect. We had some transitions and small bumps in the road at times. Everyone does. It's how you handle them which makes all the difference.

 

BellaDonna

[shes2smart]

My marriage.

 

Basic background: Met my husband fall 2001, got married summer 2002. Chatted online a few weeks, met for a date, he bought an engagement ring 3 days later and proposed a week after our first date.

 

There is mutual respect, trust and love for each other and has been from the beginning. While we don't always agree, when we do disagree we do not get into screaming, knock-down, drag out fights. We have had some very intense discussions...but it never degenerates into a name calling, yelling affair.

 

We both understand that "compromise" means each of us gives a little bit in order to get a little bit. In previous relationships, there'd be a lot of talk about "compromise" but precious little follow-through...one party would assume the role of "giver" most of the time and the other would assume the role of "taker" most of the time. But that's not the case here at all. Both of do about an equal amount of "giving" and "taking," no matter what area of our lives we're talking about.

 

We both understand that while we are still individuals, we are also a part of the larger entity of "us." The majority of the time, both of us choose to put "us" before "me."

 

IMO, that's only possible if you have learned how to meet your own needs alone most of the time...you depend/expect your partner to meet your needs less, which means that they don't have that burden of obligation for YOUR happiness and well-being. And when it's not an expectation, oddly enough, people are more likely to voluntarily come through.

 

Both I and my husband had multiple go-rounds with bad relationships and f'd up situations prior to meeting each other. However, neither of us allowed those bad experiences to define or limit who we are. I myself went to literally years of therapy working to get my @$&* together, so I could put myself into a place where my life was happy and healthy and a good place to be reguardless of whether I had a partner or not. In his own way, my husband did the same thing in his own life.

 

In order to have a healthy relationship, you have to start with two relatively whole and healthy individuals who have helathy relationships WITH THEMSELVES first. If the relationship you have with yourself is not so great, that needs to be your primary focus before you go getting involved with other people, IMO.

 

That can be a difficult and time consuming process that may require you to look at portions of yourself that you may not want to look at...and it's so much easier to distract yourself by falling into some cute pair of eyes (or thighs) if personal growth gives you the willies.

 

However, I know of no other sure-fire way to create a healthy relationship with another person without first creating a healthy relationship with yourself.

[Boughs]

I don't know one relationship that is healthy.

 

I think everyone has many flaws, and we always try to make the best of things.

 

Remember people change every day. You don't know if someones switch gets flipped one day.

[shes2smart]

I think it's easy to confuse 'HEALTHY' with 'PERFECT'. I am convinced my relationship is very healthy but I'd never say it's perfect.

 

I absolutely agree with this, and I think this is where some of you may be having difficulty accepting the concept that there is such a thing as a healthy relationship.

 

In the 4.5 years I've been married, I'd hazard a guess we may have gone through a few more stressful situations than the average couple. We have faced: financial issues, a work-related nervous break-down and subesquent new employment 200 miles away, unemployment, ex-spouse issues (including a car loan, credit cards & mortgage the ex-spouse skipped out on), family issues that resulted in both of us cutting off all contact from his family as well as mine...and I could go on, cause that's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

It's the kind of stuff I've seen other couples go after each other over and eventually end up breaking up over. However, all these things ultimately served to bring us closer because we choose to stick together and face a common enemy than to turn on each other and self-destruct. That goes back to realizing you are part of the larger entity of "us" and choosing to put "us" before "me" or any other outside parties.

 

The common (and unhealthy) definition of a relationship might look something like this:

 

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

 

If your thought is finding "your other half" that means that you're only giving yourself enough space and credit to be a half person...and only giving your partner enough space and credit to be a half person, too.

 

A platonic friendship (same sex or opposite sex) might look something like this:

 

1 + 1 = 1 + 1

 

There's you and there's me...and when we're together, there's still you and there's still me.

 

A healthy romantic relationship, however, might look something like this:

 

1 + 1 = 1 + 1 + 1

 

There's you and me...and when we're together we are still two, whole complete individuals...but there's also this 3rd whole, complete entity...that being "us."

[arwen]

EXACTLY. A healthy relationship is you, your partner and that special thing that is between you, like a private and intimate 3rd dimension that is shared by the two of you.

 

I think most unhealthy situation arise from either a lack if 'investment' in that third dimension, i.e. taking each other for granted. Or, establishing that dimension with a third person, i.e. cheating. It is that dimension that requires MOST input and work from both sides. Sex can take place on each side of the person while this dimension lacks between them, but we wouldn't call that intimacy.

 

ilse

[2tragic]

Thanks to evveryone for their "healthy" postings.

 

We all have so much to learn from hearing these positive examples.

 

I have thought of one realtionship that I have witnessed that I think is pretty healthy.

 

My friend Natalie's Mom and Stepdad, Bob and Betty.

 

They both work in Hospital administration and have been very successful, so they have had to devote a lot of energy to their careers....but I guess since they work for the same hospital, this hasn't caused them to feel separated by their workload.

 

They are also serious entertainers....whenever it's a holiday, graduation, or Anniversary, they always hold a huge celebration. They drink, smoke and kuss, but they are also are very sociable and politically correct.

 

Whenever I see them at parties, they always spend equal time by each other's side, and equal time mingling. They are getting a little older....so he is shrinking and she is ahem....getting bigger. But when they embrace, it is as passionate as two 20-somethings in love for the first time.

 

The other night they threw a party for Natalie's fiance's 30th birthday and there were some 22-ish age girls there entertaining everyone, dancing with hoola-hoops!!!! He was staring at them googly-eyed with his mouth open, and she had his arm around him chatting incessantly with her friends about something completely unrelated. I saw her grab his face and say to him, "I'll have to break out my hoola hoop later" and give him a big kiss and got a great big smile on his face.

 

I know their relationship is not perfect. This is her third marriage and his second. There has to have been plenty of strain. But to me, they seem to function so well as a team. Only bring out eachother's bright side, and be free from jealousy. TO top it all off, they have sexual chemistry and passion after like 20 years of marriage!

[shes2smart]

The common (and unhealthy) definition of a relationship might look something like this:

 

1/2 + 1/2 = 1

 

If your thought is finding "your other half" that means that you're only giving yourself enough space and credit to be a half person...and only giving your partner enough space and credit to be a half person, too.

 

Another problem with this definition of a relationship is that as a "1/2 person," on some level there's a belief/assumption that you are not whole on your own and not capable of getting your needs met on your own, and some how some other "1/2 person" (who also has the belief/assumption that they are not whole and cannot meet their own needs) can.

[sddeaston]

If my fiancee had been able to compromise a little, such as you did, I would still be getting married next summer. Its those "little" things that make the bigger picture either more or less comforting.

[RayKay]

Shes2Smart already wrote down my formula that I always pull out so I won't repeat it!

 

I know a few healthy relationships. By all means not perfect and I think expecting perfection is unhealthy - but healthy as they have a lot of mutual respect, love, friendship, commitment, honesty and support.

 

The first one that springs to my mind is the one between my mother & stepfather, they have been together 21 years now and are still best friends, and still greatly in love. This last year has been tough as she is going through breast cancer treatments, but he has been so wonderful and supportive and they really do love and respect one another.

 

 

The second is the one I have with my partner. I have had unhealthy relationships, and I can certainly say that what we have is something wonderful.

 

We don't always agree with everything, but we always talk it out, and respect one anothers feelings about things. When we unintentionally have hurt the other, we always apologize, we always listen to one another. He is such a huge supporter of me - in my dreams and goals, as I am of him. He & I share a deep commitment to our relationship and to one another. We laugh together and are really true friends.

 

We are different people, we both have our own individual lives, and independent interests, but at the end of the day we are there for each other, and choose to be there with, and for one another.

 

Two healthy, complete individuals choosing to be together is a pretty amazing thing really, and quite different from the codependent, unhealthy relationships I have personally experienced.

[caro33]

Two healthy, complete individuals choosing to be together is a pretty amazing thing really, and quite different from the codependent, unhealthy relationships I have personally experienced.

 

I agree, my healthy relationship now is so many light years away from my relationships of old. Same with my husband. I think one of the reasons things work for us so well (despite the inevitable communication issues that come up from time to time) is that we've both been around the block, knew what was wrong, and when we saw what we had, we are just so grateful!

 

That sounds geeky but it's true. I had given up prior to meeting my husband, and I also took a while to believe that he was for real. I'm still only accepting that now!

 

Good relationships, healthy relationships are not "perfect". But I don't think I could even define "perfect". What I want one day isn't the same as what I want another day. Maybe then I want a mind-reader, but then I'd hate that because I want privacy. There's no such thing as perfect in any absolute sense. But healthy, great, productive, supportive, fun, loving, challenging, awesome, etc - that's certainly doable.

 

The "third dimension" stuff mentioned by others - completely agree on this.