Any genuinely comfortable women left?

[Slacker]

I'm in the relationship of my life, but i'm fantasizing about this other woman.

 

I'm fantasizing about this woman who looks and acts exactly like my love,

but.... this woman i fantasize about is comfortable with her body!

 

I'm sick of my compliments getting disregarded, i'm sick of hearing "i'm so fat".

my last two compliments were seriously "you've lost weight" and "you meet or exceed the minimum requirements to date me" because I am so fed up with that patronizing glare when I try to tell this woman how beautiful she is. Deep down inside she says she knows she's "average", but there are still so many insecurities.... so many inhibitions....

 

Looking back, i've never dated a girl who was happy with the way she looked (ugh, maybe that says something about me....)

 

Just tell me they exist, tell me that women grow out of this? maybe i can help her? do they make an injectable self esteem?

[Lanterna Magica]

Well....

 

My ex used to do the same, I told her she was gorgeous all the time throughout our realtionship just for her to respond in a surly manner 'Yeah right, I'm repulsive!'

 

She was really good looking too, so God knows lol

 

Seems alot of women get really hung up on these things when the real answer would be for them to just accept their partner likes them and feel great about that!

 

I too got tired of the disregarded comments...but if they are not happy with themselves, it will take more than a man telling them they look gorgeous and meaning it to make them feel any better I guess!

[fnlyfrei]

Gosh...if you read MY post..you will see that the reason women are for the most part unhappy with themselves is because some other people have commented or insulted them in the past. Look at society too...plastic surgery, crash diets, pills...

Yes, being happy with the way you are, where you are at that point in time is attractive. Insecurity is never attractive. No matter how freaking gorgeous you are. My boyfriend looked at recent picture of his....he is very handsome btw...and stated that he needed the circles under his eyes airbrushed out. Sheesh. We do not stay young forever. We can only take care of what we have within reason.

Tell her she isnt allowed to speak despairgingly of herself. If you compliment her she needs to just say "thanks". Or you could mirror her behavior and maybe she might see how silly she acts....

[Day_Walker]

I am not going to tell you what you want to hear. If you continue with this relationship then you are going to have to find a way to deal with her actions. I cannot tell you how to deal with it because, insecurity bugs me enough that it is a deal breaker.

[shes2smart]

It's not you. It's us. It's this culture we live in.

 

Oddly enough, I recently (like, this morning) had another go round with this exact issue with my husband. Like I told him, it's NOT him. This is an issue I've been struggling with since before he was alive. (He's 11 years younger than I am).

 

I have gone through all sorts of therapy, guided imagery, workshops, journaling, blah, blah, blah designed to improve body image. While it has sunk in enough that I am comfortable in my own skin and I do like certain aspects of my body -- first and foremost being that in spite of the abuse I've heaped upon it over the years with diets, inactivity, screwy eating, and so forth that it functions as it should...I don't have any major health issues/pains/etc -- I still have a hard (if not impossible) time seeing myself as attractive/pretty/hot.

 

I don't have an answer. Like I said, this is something I've been struggling with for a very long time.

 

But, I can assure you that it's not you....nor is it just you.

[Slacker]

I am not going to tell you what you want to hear. If you continue with this relationship then you are going to have to find a way to deal with her actions. I cannot tell you how to deal with it because, insecurity bugs me enough that it is a deal breaker.

 

I hear you day walker, but I wouldn't call it a deal breaker, wouldn't sit right with me to dump a girl because she's been mind ###### by some other people.

 

I noticed confidence is a lot bigger of a deal for men though, we aren't as attractive when we arent confident in our appearance..... even though most of us sit in the shadows of the public image of the ideal man.

 

It's so sad that most women will never see themselves for what they really are, its downright tragic that some of you let these insecurities spill over into other areas of your life.

[shes2smart]

I've got a little something to say about this "insecurity" issue.

 

It's easy to label it as insecurity...makes it nice and neat and squarely the problem of the individual. However, it's much more complex than that.

 

I don't care how secure you are, when you have gone through a lifetime of being shown images of "pretty" that look nothing like you do in terms of size, shape, & race, of hearing, seeing and being ont the receiving end of the sort of (mis)treatment women out of a certain weight range receive (fat jokes, anyone?), shopping for clothing that doesn't fit right (and what does fit looks like your grandmother's cast-offs), having random people make cruel remarks because you had the audacity to eat an ice cream cone in public (yes, it's happened to me), and having people (like your doctor) make incorrect assumptions about your health and lifestyle habits based only on your body size and appearance...you're gonna doubt yourself now and again.

 

This problem is much wider in scope than just me, or just the OP's girlfriend or any one woman. The problem starts in a culture where too many people have the belief that a woman's worth is based primarily on or solely on her physical appearance. While you, as an individual, may not believe that ('cause my husband sure doesn't), we are still surrounded by people who DO believe that and we have to function in a society that treats us accordingly.

 

Insecure? It's too simple an answer. If it was just me or just your gf or just a handful of women, I might agree with "insecurity." But the fact that it IS so widespread tells me there's more to it than that.

[whenamansloveisreal]

a man should never make a woman feel bad about her insecurities instead support her in ways that are not associated with the exterior. maybe she had a bad childhood? maybe she had surgery at a young age? maybe she has been abused? maybe she worries how u see her? my advice is get to know your woman and treat her not just with words but with deeds in ways the tell her how special she is. when she gets that new job - celebrate. when she completes a goal in the gym - surprise her with rose petals. when she is down, be a clown.

 

love her man

[Day_Walker]

I hear you day walker, but I wouldn't call it a deal breaker, wouldn't sit right with me to dump a girl because she's been mind ###### by some other people.

 

It sits right in my mind because she may have been messed up in the past but it is something that she is not attempting to remedy. In my mind that is no different than an alcoholic failing to notice that they have a problem and seeking help. You have tried complements and the truth is that this is her issue and only she can help herself. She is content with her own problems and since it is a deal breaker for me, I would leave.

So basically you are saying that this is a problem but its not a deal breaker. That in my mind just means that things are less than ideal. It is alright to vent but who you should be venting to is your significant other since this issue is not a deal breaker for you.

[Slacker]

Thats true, but men are susceptible to the same treatment.

 

I didn't mean to infer that there was something wrong with women today, it just seems to me that a lot of young ladies subscribe to these destructive ideals willfully.

[Slacker]

It sits right in my mind because she may have been messed up in the past but it is something that she is not attempting to remedy. In my mind that is no different than an alcoholic failing to notice that they have a problem and seeking help. You have tried complements and the truth is that this is her issue and only she can help herself. She is content with her own problems and since it is a deal breaker for me, I would leave.

So basically you are saying that this is a problem but its not a deal breaker. That in my mind just means that things are less than ideal. It is alright to vent but who you should be venting to is your significant other since this issue is not a deal breaker for you.

 

Yeah, I guess I am venting a bit, and I have brought it up to her.

I love the alcoholism analogy and because i really hate it when people dont fix what they see as problems, sometimes she says she's "working on it" and sometimes she tells me it's not my problem- that she has no issue with feeling bad about herself so i need to leave it alone.

 

I cant ever think of anything beyond that point, how can you be content with feeling like junk?

[shes2smart]

Thats true, but men are susceptible to the same treatment.

 

I didn't mean to infer that there was something wrong with women today, it just seems to me that a lot of young ladies subscribe to these destructive ideals willfully.

 

I agree that men are being subjected to the same treatment these days. However, I'd also point out to you that's a relatively recent phenomenon...not something that has gone on for decades as it has for women. (Beauty pagents, anyone?) It's so much a part of the culture to judge women primarily on or solely on their physical appearance and meeting an ideal that most people don't even notice or question it until a female relative or friend develops an eating disorder or runs into a situation like yours.

 

My husband never noticed these sorts of things until I fell off the eating disorder recovery wagon earlier this year and I started going to therapy. As I worked my therapy by reading and talking about stuff...well...now he can't NOT see it anymore.

 

As for willingly subscribing to these destructive ideas, many younger women aren't given many truly viable options. (Little girls want Barbie...they don't want the "Happy To Be Me" doll that was out for a while that was based on more "normal woman" proportions) Even if you go as young as grade school and pre school children, they've already learned that fat=bad, unattractive, stupid and so forth and that thin=pretty, good, smart, etc. There are instances of 5 year old girls insisting they have to go on a diet because they don't want to be fat. They've already learned it by that young age.

 

A 5 year old cannot choose what to think. And once those ideas are planted there, they are ridiculously tough to eradicate. I've been fighting against them within myself since my teens...that's 30 YEARS. And while I have had a remarkable amount of progress (if I do say so m'self...and my dietician agrees with me), it is still a struggle because I'm surrounded by so many people/companies/organizations that would love for me to believe that there's something wrong with me.

 

If it's tough for someone like me who's been actively fighting against it for YEARS, I cannot even begin to imagine how much more difficult it is for someone who hasn't had the therapy, the workshops, read the books and so forth that I have.

[shes2smart]

One example from my childhood:

 

Fat boys shopped for their clothes in the "husky" section.

Fat girls found clothes in "chubby" sizes.

 

Somehow, being considered a "husky" boy brings up images of a big, tough, rough and tumble little boy. While being considered "chubby"....well...I think you get the idea.

 

Although, never having been a little boy myself, perhaps that's just a bias on my part. Maybe little boys found "husky" as offensive and hurtful as I found "chubby."

[fnlyfrei]

Shes2smart, you're the bomb ! I only wonder how many women are out there for a guy who wants a perfectly secure woman who would walk around the house naked under fluorescent lights with no make up? I would like to meet one, perhaps she could teach us how to feel that way about ourselves as well. : )

[Clementine orange]

The problem starts in a culture where too many people have the belief that a woman's worth is based primarily on or solely on her physical appearance.

 

Ha!!!! trying being a guy - society believes our worth is based on how big our bank accounts are and how much power we have. Also how good you are at sports and if you can beat the daylights out of someone else at the bar

oh yes and the car we drive.

Being a guy is no picnic either.

 

ps: Hardly any women is ever as fat as she thinks she is!!!!

[RayKay]

I think it is possible to "grow out of it" or rather to accept yourself flaws and all.

 

When I was younger, I had terrible insecurities, and including a long bout with anorexia nervosa. Which really was more about my mental state than my body image....but regardless. I used to be EXTREMELY worried about how others saw me and always thought that if I just fixed this and this...I would be perfect and thereforeeee happy.

 

Of course, that is all false and we know it!

 

In the later parts of my early 20's, certain things in my life changed my entire perspective on life & what is beautiful. I learned to accept whom I was. I began to revel in the STRENGTH of my body, rather than be critical of it's "flaws". I began to recognise everyone has parts of themselves they do not like, but that they can still be beautiful, amazing. I learned to take pride in my health and fitness, and instead of worrying about losing another 1lb, I worked towards being able to run that half marathon, or to bench press 100lbs, and so on!

 

I can honestly say that I never say disparaging remarks about myself. I can still have "fat days" which really are bloated days..lol...but I know that I am not fat!

 

I am not sure everyone gets there, to that stage that is. Maybe it depends on your own experiences and perspectives on life. All I know is I began to take joy in the way my body moved, the ways even my "flaws" were my own, and beautiful in their own right.

 

Maybe it is because I stopped caring about how others saw me, knowing that those whom loved me accepted and loved me for whom I was. Maybe thinking that it was so petty to be critical of our bodies, and the bodies of others.

 

Maybe it is because I realized I am more than the vessel that contains me....I have a full life, am blessed in so many ways, and I am I must say a reasonably interesting person

 

My mum's cancer this year just reinforced every bit of those beliefs and feelings too. She lost her breasts in the spring after a double mastectomy, and has scars accross her chest and her stomach, she was bald....but damn she still smiled through it and was radiantly beautiful. I never heard her complain..sure she said she looked like a ragdoll sometimes, but she fought for her life, regardless of how her body looked. Now THAT is beautiful!

[Day_Walker]

Popeye was a great man because he said "I am what I am and thats all that I am".

A man could make the same arguments about images, I dont believe that most men are fit, have rock hard abs or are whatever else the media portrays men as being. It just so happens that the media places an emphasis on a healthy physique, now if that is actually healthy or not that remains to be seen. You can look at those images as we all have. But you have to realize that those images are not real and it has no basis in reality. I mean you can let those things effect you and blame the media but images of both men and women are distorted. When it rises to the level that a person no longer feels good about themselves then self esteem is an issue and because it is self esteem the media cannot be blamed. What is the blame is the internal mechanism of not being happy with yourself. I cannot tell you to the happy with yourself but I know that I do not represent what is presented in the media and I had to learn a lesson a long time ago that I would never be perfect in a physical sense. Yes of course that was disheartening but I moved on and learned to be happy with what I have. Others may not like it and/or make fun of it but that is just who I am.

[scarew]

RayKay is right about the "growing out of it".

 

Highschool was the worst for me. But the more I matured the more comfortable I became. Deep down I still have my fat days, but all in all I am a pretty confident person. I had a hard time adjusting to the big city however. When I moved I was suddenly in "competition" with all these other women who had plastic surgery coming out their ears. I thought, How am I supposed to look or feel good when everyone else is just cutting out or implanting their flaws? I came to terms with it. I realize that alot of these women feel worse about the surgery they got because they aren't "naturally" beautiful anymore. I began to understand that my husband loves me and the way I look. Just like someone prefers blue to pink, he prefers the way I look to the way someone else may look.

 

It was another fake it til you make it thing for me. I realized that the MOST unattractive thing of all is insecurity. So I pretended to be confident. Eventually, I just became confident.

 

So to answer the OP, yes, there are still comfortable women out there. I am very comfortable with my body. Proud of my flaws because they are mine, and proud of my good features becaus they are mine also

[dogheadma]

Yeah, I guess I am venting a bit, and I have brought it up to her.

I love the alcoholism analogy and because i really hate it when people dont fix what they see as problems, sometimes she says she's "working on it" and sometimes she tells me it's not my problem- that she has no issue with feeling bad about herself so i need to leave it alone.

 

I cant ever think of anything beyond that point, how can you be content with feeling like junk?

 

She must have positive qualities that outweigh the negative ones or you wouldn't be with her, right?

 

We all have our personal hang-ups and flaws and if we're in a relationship, part of the reason is because our SO can accept those flaws. If you love someone, then you're able to see past it.

 

If you can't, then you don't.

[snowgirl]

We get told all our lives that if we don't look like a supermodel in a bikini, we're not good enough. It's just the way it is in our world. I would venture to guess there are very few women out there who are 100% happy with their bodies, and they are probably supermodels.

We can't be fat or nobody will love us. There is no worse crime than being a fat chick. We hear this EVERY DAY. No wonder we're all insecure.

[kittysaysmeow]

RayKay: what you wrote was awesome! Hey...can you really bench press 100lbs?!?

 

I personally think that you shouldn't say anything when she makes comments about herself. I admit that I also make comments and I'm soooo not comfortable with my body but I told my bf to stop paying attention to it. It's been working so far. You could tell her every second that she's hot or whatever but she'll never believe you. You're just making it worst.

 

Do this instead: compliment her when she's not saying anything or thinking about it. When she's sitting on the couch watching a movie or doing the dishes. Say something like "I love the way this shirt looks on you" or "I love your smile". Stuff like that. The unexpected compliments mean more than when she's fishing for one.

[Slacker]

She must have positive qualities that outweigh the negative ones or you wouldn't be with her, right?

The negatives are far outweighed, but I know she wants to feel comfortable with herself, moreso than she does now. Basically I just want ideas to help her, i mean maybe its not my place, and odds are theres nothing really effective that can be done externally. I think it's worth a brainstorm though.

[rocio]

I'm a show-off. I walk around in a thong and love filming myself having sex with my man. I know my own flaws and I can laugh at myself. It takes a sense of humor and a bit of humility.

[TiredMan]

Unless you really love this girl, it's not worth dealing with her insecurities because no matter how much you compliment her, it will never change anyway unless she does something on her own about it.

[rocio]

Unless you really love this girl, it's not worth dealing with her insecurities because no matter how much you compliment her, it will never change anyway unless she does something on her own about it.

 

I agree. And even if he does love her, I don't think he can fix this. If it's going to change, it's going to come from within her.