Seemed so good then dropped bomb.

[fox_91]

I started to talk to a girl at the beginning of the month, we were having a good time chatting, but she told me she had a BF, we talked a little more but then it kinda broke off because i didn't want to get involved with the BF and getting feelings for the girl. Yesterday she sent me a msg online to msg her, so i did. turns out she broke up with her BF and we started to talk again. She told me that she liked me before but with her BF it wasn't wise to say anything. We were having a great time talking, she liked me, and I was starting to like her, and all seemed well.

 

Then she told me that she had 2 daughters... ugh, knife in heart. she is 20 almost 21 with a 3 and 4 yr old... I know why she did it, because if she would have told me first i would have turned and ran, but she had a lot going for her, and I was beginning to like her.

 

guess I don't know what to do with her. I mean dating wouldn't be terrible, but i cant even think about a relationship and the hardships that would come, especially when my parents found out that i would be dating someone with kids.

 

im 22 myself, and i do want a family, but always figured it would be after i got married and was off the ground money wise. I don't want to just write her off, but i don't know if i can proceed either....what should I do?

[Beec]

If you really become attached to her and fall in love, you won't care that she has children already. A few dates cannot hurt, but don't make any promises about a future, not yet.

[dogheadma]

If you already know that you're too young and not yet firmly established enough in your own life to take on kids and becoming a part of a potential family unit, then you would be wise to keep your distance IMHO. Now is your time to work on your life and towards your own personal goals and aspirations. Becoming part of a family unit could hinder you reaching the personal goals you have set for yourself at this stage in your life. Something to consider.

[Jayar]

I dunno, maybe it's shallow, but at 24 years old I write off anyone with kids. I don't personally even WANT kids, though that may change when I meet the right man. But if I did end up having kids, I'd want them to be OUR kids. Kids are trouble enough... Step kids could be a whole lot harder.

 

She may be the greatest girl in the world, but if you don't think that you can work with the kid situation, in fairness to all involved (including the kids), don't get into a relationship. JMHO.

 

I believe there's a difference between blended families (where each parent coming into the relationship has at least one child) and someone coming in without kids and doing the step-parent thing one way. You have to honestly decide for yourself if this kind of thing can factor into your life.

 

Whatever you do, don't involve yourself knowing you aren't in it for the long haul... That would hurt too many people. Good luck!

[Scout]

Hi, Fox 91...interesting you have this dilemma going on, because another poster recently put up a thread about the torment he's going through because he cares about a girl who also had a boyfriend. She broke up with the BF...but then got back with him! And now the OP is going through hell.

 

So, I say...don't go there, friend. It's way too soon after her break up, she's bouncing from one guy right to another, and that's a recipe for rebound drama. Here's the thread I reference above to give you a good idea of what you might expect if you continue to see her:

[fox_91]

Yes that thought is in my mind about being a rebound. Frankly this is rather anoying, i don't consider myself shallow or anything, but it seems like any time myself and a girl start to connect there is a flaw that seems to mess stuff up. this one happened to be a rather large flaw, that came out after the fact. but others have been more like, they thought they wanted to date but all of a sudden t hey are happier single lol. Or some seem to want something but they are very good at pushing you away.

 

I'll tell ya, sometimes I think i'm running out of women in my area. Now I know thats not true, but I have a much easier time chatting to them online and such, prior to meeting, rather than trying to pick up chicks in a bar lol.

[longhaircats]

She knew from the beginning that if she told you the truth you would run, so she did't tell you the truth. She is not confident who she really is. Would you like to be with someone like that in a long run? I think you already know the answer, but since you are a nice guy you don't want to hurt her. If I were you I would not try to get involved with her. There are so many quality girls out there! Good luck!

[Scout]

Is it possible you're attracted to girls with a lot of drama going on in their lives? If so, take a look at how and where you're meeting them, or if there's a certain thing you find yourself attracted to over and over again.

 

Because the truth is, when we find something happening repeatedly to us, it's usually not the result of bad luck. We're making the wrong choices.

[fox_91]

Hmm idk about the drama thing necessarly, since i was having feelings before she told me. and other girls i talked to didn't have these problems really. I always contributed it to me being shy, and didn't have the guts to talk to women in a more public setting until i knew them a bit. because online i can talk about anything and have a good time and not feel shy about it. But its hard to just up and talk to someone when your in a loud environment and you don't know anything to start.

 

But i will think about it for a bit and see if i see any common things that might be doing this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

there was no way of knowing she had kids until she told you, so don't beat yourself up about that...

 

the caution i would have is that she is only 20 and has two kids, so getting pregnant is something she probably wants to do or it wouldn't have happened twice. some girls do this because they have psychological problems, and some do it becuase they think it will make a guy they are losing stick around, and some girls do it for financial reasons, to get child support, to to trap a man into being her meal ticket, or get a better lifestyle than supporting kids on their own etc.

 

if you were both 30 and she had a couple kids, it would be a different story, maybe a marriage that just didn't work out, and you might be ready and willing to take on stepchildren if you loved their mother and the kids enough. but since you already have doubts, you also need to be very careful you are not stuck with an unexpected pregnancy because she wants another kid or to trap you, for whatever reason, i would say probably not a good idea to date her.

 

and wearing condoms won't always protect you... sticking a pin through a condom before you use it is the oldest trick in the book for girls who really want a baby. so please be careful, this woman had two kids at a very young age, and doesn't seem too responsible or she wouldn't have them by that age to begin with.

[n83]

I'm really surprised and outraged by some of your responses. I have to say that some you are pretty hard on this girl. This is coming from a single mom so of course I'm biased, but ... calling her kids "flaws"??? Accusing her of wanting to get pregnant possibly to have a "meal ticket" or a "better lifestyle"?? (which in most cases is ridiculous, you spend WAYYYYY more than you get in child support).. or, gee, maybe the manipulative little creature will poke a hole in your condom, assuming what you're saying is true and she WANTS another baby. What a monster!!

 

 

I have to say, I'm really surprised by some of you. No, two kids at her age isn't a great track record, but I'll be damned if I ever let some punkass boy, or anyone for that matter, call my son my "flaw".

 

If that's how you see her, you need to leave her alone.

[Scout]

n83, my concerns were strictly about the recent break up she's had. Didn't want to see the poster end up in a painful rebound situation. Just an FYI.

[n83]

I saw your post Scout. You did good, as usual

[Scout]

I saw your post Scout. You did good, as usual

 

Whew! Didn't want to incur your irateness there.

 

In the OP's defense, I don't think he meant to say kids are flaws. I think he probably meant it was a big responsibility to seriously get involved with someone who has children, which it can be. Especially if you want to be a good influence on them, and help your partner with them, and as a very young guy himself, this might be a bit of a daunting prospect.

[n83]

I think he probably meant it was a big responsibility to seriously get involved with someone who has children, which it can be. Especially if you want to be a good influence on them, and help your partner with them, and as a very young guy himself, this might be a bit of a daunting prospect.

 

Oh yes absolutely.. I understand that. Even now, it's difficult for me to picture dating someone that has kids... but if he sees her children as a character flaw in her, that tells me that he's not remotely ready for this relationship. I guess the choice of words just threw me off.......

That, and the presuppositions that she may be trying to get pregnant again, might poke a hole in the condom, might be trying to get child support, etc.. It just gets annoying when people assume things like this because I can tell you, most of these are ridiculous stereotypes and very degrading to women. Not all (repeat) single mothers are golddigging condom pokers.

[Daligal83]

I agree with n83. I think people are being way too hard on this woman. We don't know anything about her or her situation. I think instead we should focus on whether the OP is ready to be in a relationship that involves children, NOT on the character of the mother. Lets keep in mind here that she has taken responsibility for both of her children, and that is extremely commendable.

[Scout]

And I think we should focus on the fact she's going from one relationship right to another. Not a good idea, usually, and almost always ends up with people getting hurt.

[Daligal83]

You're right, that should be focused on too. I still stand by my comment that we should not focus on judging her character for having two children

[RayKay]

I would be cautious as she is JUST out of a relationship. Bouncing from one to another generally has dire repercussions. Can I ask how you met intially?

 

As for children, I honestly think it is acceptable to not want to get involved with someone at this point whom has children. You are still very young, and you are right, if things progress it is a big responsibility you may not want. Yes, that means you may miss out on someone great, but that does not mean you won't ever meet someone great again. When I was your age I turned down men at the time with kids because I honestly was NOT prepared for that massive responsibility when I was still trying to figure myself out. Some of them were great people and I guarantee made some woman very lucky, but I could not go against what felt right for me at the time.

 

Now, if I was not involved with someone and so on and I was on dating scene again, I would be more open to dating men with kids as I am at an age it is more common, I am a lot more mature at this point and "stable", and as long as we were a good match, it would be something I was not entirely opposed too. Sure I want some of my own one day, but I am okay with them NOT being from my own loins too if I dated someone whom had kids and we decided to not have any more.

 

But if you really do not want to get involved, don't mislead her otherwise, or let the kids get attached because they will rapidly. A few dates maybe to see if you ARE willing to accept ALL of her (including children) but after that make a decision one way or the other.

[fox_91]

Wow, man this is turning into quite a topic haha. Let me try to clear some stuff up. First offi didn't mean the "flaw" term literaly, but other posters seem to have understood, that at my age, dating someone with kids is a daunting prospect indeed, not just for me, but for my family and friends and such. Personally I do like the girl; she is attractive, intelligent (claims 4.0 average and is going to Law school) That kind of stuff I do tend to believe.

 

She says her BF back when she was in HS basically forced her to have the kids, she doesn't talk like she was happy with what happened.

 

As for meeting her, it was a link removed thing. I can't remember if i contacted first or her, but i think i did. She didn't have her pic up at the time, but we were talking a little when she had a BF, so we didn't talk much. But her profile didn't list that she had kids, which i can understand why you wouldnt, because i honestly don't have my match to return results with kids.

 

I was rather blunt with her saying that we cna meet a couple times and hang out, but i honestly don't know if i can handle a relationship like this. I don't want to write someone off without a chance, but at the same time i didn't want her to expect something. She keeps saying to give her a chance.

[n83]

Fox -

In a way I feel very bad for her.. She must be really insecure about revealing that she has kids b/c I'm sure she knows that a lot of guys out there feel the same way that you do. I can't honestly say I would have done the same (not reveal I have a child I mean...) or that I personally agree with her hiding the fact that she has kids.. makes it seem like she's ashamed or something.. but it's understandable if you're not ready. Kids are a huge responsibility. Either way though, keep this in mind: she's probably not looking for a lifelong commitment at this point, esp since you said she's about to go to law school and whatnot... so if you enjoy her company, why not hang out with her and just let it be whatever it is? Tell her you're not ready to label it ANYTHING just yet, and just see where it goes. It's gonna be hard to make a decision at this point. Give it more time, then you can decide.

 

In the meantime, don't hesistate to date other people and live your own life (letting her know that you're doing that of course!)

[dopexile]

don't be a meal ticket for some other guys kids... diffuse the situation and inform her you don't want to be a step father... then turn around and run away and laugh knowing you dodged a bullet