renaissancewoman101 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 I seem to keep posting on here. You people must be tired of my endless problems by now. I am such a head case . My date with Tom (the new guy I like a lot) didn't go well last night. He might not be into me as much as I thought he was. I dont understand. The last date we had, he kissed me on the mouth. It was so sweet. And he's been initiating all the dates, getting together, etc. We see each other at school, and he is happy to eat lunch with me. We dont hang out after class, which is ok with me. Last night we went on a date to see a movie and then out to eat. Everything seemed fine. He was happy to see me, gave me a hug and a peck. After the movie, we went out for a meal and I was really happy to be around him so I grabbed at his hand to hold it while we were walking. I always like holding a guy's hand when we walk. He FLINCHED and almost pulled his hand away from me. He DID hold my hand then, but it was a limp grip and he got quiet as we walked back to the car. He didnt speak much and dropped me back off at home. I told him I liked him a lot and had a great time and that I would see him at school tomorrow (today). He hugged me good night and said "see you tomorrow". He DIDNT kiss me . Just left it at that. I dont want to go to school at all today. I dont want to see him at clinicals. I messed up by holding his hand and being too eager. But it wasnt like I initiated a kiss with him or anything like that. I dont want to see him again. I want to run and hide under my blankies like I used to when I was a scared little kid. What did I do wrong? Why is my dating life a failure? Should I say anything to him? Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 hey ren - I think we have a lot of similar issues. we both tend to overanalyze too early on in the relationship and get too attached too quickly. in reality, we should be just "letting things go with the flow" and waiting to let their true selves shine through before attaching ourselves to them. like I pointed out before, when you meet a new female friend, you don't just start calling her and treating her like your best friend after 1 month, right? friendships take a while to form, as do romances. I would just back off, get a grip. I get the feeling that you are more looking for a boyfriend.... any boyfriend, rather than being into this guy. men can sense that and it can be a turn off. I am guilty of doing the same, and I am trying hard to change it. Afterall, I don't really want to be with a man who is just looking for any old woman. I'd rather be with someone who is with me because he thinks I am special and wonderful, not just because he wants someone to date. Link to comment
rocio Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 I seem to keep posting on here. You people must be tired of my endless problems by now. Not at all. Post away! Don't read too much into this. He is not comfortable holding hands. So don't try to hold his hand ever again. I mean ever. Wait until he initiates and if he doesn't, then just let it go. I personally don't like holding hands and my ex is the same. He says it is because his girlfriend used to always need to hold his hand and it felt like she was being clingly and controlling of him. When you are walking in public with someone and holding their hand, it's like you are announcing, "this is my man". Obviously Tom isn't ready for that yet. Respect that. Link to comment
Siriana Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 You're not a head case (whatever that means I really don't know how you could ruin a potential relationship with a guy by just holding his hand (except you were in front of Tiffany's and started showing him engagements rings lol.) So, please, don't do that to yourself, blaming yourself about it. Well, so what, he wasn't interested enough, who cares, like it never happened the opposite of that to you. You know a guy liking you but you weren't so thrilled. What would happened if all of these guys decided to run and hide under their blankies? A lot of girls would end up single. And what would be the worst reaction from a guy if you nicely showed him you're interested? avoiding you, hiding from you, right? And the best? Still saying hi to you, and beeing friendly and polite. So do exactly that - stay friendly, go to classes and everything will be all right. Maybe he has some cute friends. Alos, i think annie24 said something I agree with: maybe you are more into having a boyfriend than beeing into Tom. Link to comment
Jayar Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 It sounds like for some reason he's decided he's not into you. I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think you messed up by trying to hold his hand (but don't ever do that again to any guy... Let him initiate) because I believe it was over before you tried to hold his hand, personally. If it wasn't, then he would have held your hand back, and the end of the evening would have gone smoother. You can't worry yourself about WHY things have gone downhill. Instead, what I would advise now is just don't call him, don't initiate contact, don't do anything involving him. If he does NOT call you and set up another date, you have your answer. If he does, then perhaps you have another chance and for some reason the hand thing just freaked him out. My guess though is if you don't call, don't text, don't initiate contact of any kind, neither will he. Do not be surprised, and do not let it get you down. There are others out there. Don't fall into the trap of trying to make it work with Tom. If HE isn't trying to make it work then you're in the relationship on your own and that just ends up hurting. So sit back and see if he wants to make it work. Good luck! Link to comment
rocio Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 I can't say I agree with the posters that state he's not that into you. If he weren't into you, then he wouldn't ask you on dates and he wouldn't hug and kiss you. He just doesn't want to hold your hand. Most people I know don't hold hands in public until they are exclusively dating. You two are clearly not at that stage yet. It doesn't mean he doesn't like you or that you can't get to that stage. Give him space and give him time. I really think he likes you! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 30, 2006 Author Share Posted October 30, 2006 I am not sure what I am going to do yet. I am going to go to class today and I am going to my clinicals, but I am not going there early and eating lunch there because that is when I will see him. If I go there right before the lunch bell rings, then I dont have to see him and I can go into class with my little kinderkiddies. I hope they can cheer me up. They usually do. They are little bundles of energy. I am going to wait to see if Tom calls me or talks to me. He knows where I am. It's just weird because he was the one who initiated most of our things. He asked me out on the dates, he put his arm around me first, kissed me first, then in an amorous moment I went to grab at his hand and hold it, and he FLINCHED. It wasnt like I kissed him. It was just a holding of the hands. I like that so much. Men are weird. I just feel kinda down on myself and unwanted by people. Dating shouldnt be that hard. Link to comment
hosswhispra Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Ren, he may have hit "uncertainty,"....have you ever read Mars and Venus on a Date, by John Gray? Uncertainty is a normal stage before one decides to become exclusive with the other. By you holding his hand out in public, that may indicate that you were an "official' couple...and he's not at that stage yet. If you see him today, be friendly, smile, pretend nothing happened and back off. Let the horse come to you, now Link to comment
Scout Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Ren, don't freak out. Seriously, people are either hand-holders or they aren't. It's rather peculiar. My boyfriend is incredibly affectionate and loving. But I've noticed he's not an enthusiastic handholder. His hand goes limp when I attempt to hold hands. On the other hand, I had a boyfriend who refused to be affectionate in public EXCEPT to hold hands. That he would do. It never made any sense to me, because handholding seemed more intimate. Whatever. You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to analyze this one. Give yourself a break for a change and don't. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Why do you conclude that "men are so weird?" because this man wasn't comfortable holding your hand? I had a second date with someone over a year ago who screamed neediness vibes on our second date. I felt so uncomfortable when he took my hand while we walked in the street because it felt too soon and combined with the loud and clear neediness/clinginess vibes it was wayyyy too much for me. I would never take a man's hand in public for the first time - I am not saying to beat yourself up over it - we all make mistakes - me too! - I just wouldn't do that again. Link to comment
chai714 Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 First of all, men don't decide one day, "I'm just not that into her." The book, "He's just not that into you" is full of manure. People's perception of you changes constantly. If you tell them something or act a certain way, those behaviors shape how they feel about you. Next time RW, don't ever tell a guy "I like you" directly. You can indicate in other ways that you like him. To some degree, all humans appreciate a challenge, a chase. That is what makes the beginning so much fun and interesting - because you're not sure, so there's some anxiety and tension. But when you declare your feelings, that tension is immediately released and all anxiety is gone and the chase is all but over. My point is that you should not ever let anyone think, "she's a sure thing" because you won't be appreciated. In an overall analysis of your situation, I don't think you need to worry about the details of one date. Although you might feel less than confident about it, it doesn't mean "he's just not into you." So he had a limp handholding session and no kiss - no biggie. You'll need to adjust. No more telling him how you feel and become at least somewhat aloof. Don't make him think you're waiting for him to eat lunch with you and decline a Saturday date if he asks but counter with a weekday or even a Sunday date. Link to comment
Honey Pumpkin Posted October 30, 2006 Share Posted October 30, 2006 Hi there, Don't worry about it - I'm a woman and I don't much like holding hands in public. I find it a bit...coupley? I've never liked it, nothing personal. Even if I was with the hottest man on earth, I probably wouldn't be able to hold hands and walk. OR if I liked him a lot, I'd probably be like Tom, and try but be a bit limp about it, lol. Don't be so self-conscious about it (easier said than done, I *know*). When I start to over-analyse how I behave, I'm always a bit like, "Ach, he's over thirty, he'll survive...", if that makes sense. For me, that's usually swearing or saying something completely inappropriate. And for you it was grabbing his hand. But to be honest, if he's that wet that he can't cope with something that throws him a bit, he's not for you. You're lovely - your new photo shows how pretty you are, and what a nice smile. Your posts here are entertaining and thought-provoking, and I really admire your sincerity and willingness to be open about yourself - not that many of us do that, you know. So what I'm trying to say - he's a LUCKY man that you are giving him a shot of your company. Just carry on exactly being yourself, and not trying to fit in with what he wants or doesn't want. Let him chase you, to get more of your fabulous self! Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 I didnt see him today. I purposely avoided him by not going to clinicals early like I usually do and eating lunch with him. Right now I am really emotional. I am going to leave it alone for a while and then see if I see him on Wed and how he reacts to me. Link to comment
Scout Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 Ren, can you name five things specifically about him that you like to the point you are already agonizing over whether or not you too will be a couple? Five things. Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 Scout, I am not sure if I could name five things. I'll try. 1) he is kind and helps me with ideas on how to work with the kids. 2) he seemed into me and liked me. 3) he and I like some of the same things (history, reading, roller coasters, scary movies). 4) he's caring. 5) makes me feel good about myself. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 hon... 3 of those things are about how he makes you feel about yourself... not really about HIM. I remember a long time ago, I dated this real jerk. he was always putting me down and critisizing me. I finally asked him why he was dating me. he said, "because you make me feel handsome and good about myself." I was pretty disgusted. He never told me anything about ME that he liked, like my smile or my sense of humor, etc.... it was all about him. ok, sorry, bad flashback. anyways, I dumped him. what I'm saying is, besides the fact that he seems into you, what else do you like that's SPECIFICALLY about him? Link to comment
renaissancewoman101 Posted October 31, 2006 Author Share Posted October 31, 2006 I like his personality. He can be funny at times. I also like him because he is strong-willed at times and also caring. Maybe I am trying to project stuff on him. I dont know. Everything seemed to be going so well. I let him initiate most of the dates. He hugged me, put his arm around me, and even kissed me on the mouth. I never intiated those things. Then when I went to hold his hand, he freaked. That I dont understand. I may talk to him on Wed to see how things are. I want to see if we can salvage something. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 ok, seriously. stop freaking out. I don't think saying, "I like you" will drive him away, but you will drive men away if you have the "freaking out!!!" vibe going on just because he didn't hold your hand. I don't think you know him well enough at this point to be so stressed over him. (And I'm giving myself this advice also!!!!) take a step back.... do you know this man well enough to be all over him? to open a joint checking account and for him to father your children? no. you really don't know diddly about this guy, other than he likes scary movies, rollercoasters, and like to help you out with your schoolwork. it's a good foundation, but not the whole house..... sit back, relax, get to know him. don't decide so early on that he gets to win your heart. in a sense, it seems that he has already "won you over" before he has even had a real shot to make you like him. give it a while. get to know him and let him get to know you. let him worry about winning you over, don't sit here and strategize how to keep him. remember, you are the prize! Link to comment
blondebombshelter Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I may talk to him on Wed to see how things are. I want to see if we can salvage something. NO NO NO NO!!! Don't do that! I don't think you've made any 'mistakes' so far, but that will be a big, glaring one that will send him screaming for the hills. That's tantamount to having * T H E T A L K * and it's faaaar too early. It's insecure, intense, clingy... And the other thing is, you said you avoided him, but I think there's a danger of unwittingly giving off bad vibes and sabotaging the whole thing. He'll think you don't like HIM. I would just be warm, friendly, but a bit detached from the outcome - certainly don't initiate anything, but don't actively prevent it from happening, either! Have the approach that if he likes you, great. If he doesn't, oh, well, get over it. Anyway, I'm not sure what you're worrying about, anyway. You look and sound cute and adorable. Someone will see that, even if it's not Tom! Link to comment
ultraviolet Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I agree with the advice you've been given. Let him make the next move. If you try to talk to him about 'salvaging something' (clinginess can be suffocating), you risk creating an even more awkward situation between you and that's the last thing you want. Give Tom his space, but if you see him smile and act as if nothing's happened. You didn't do anything wrong. He was just caught off guard or doesn't like holding hands in general. No need to beat yourself up over a moment of spontaneous affection. You have a loving heart. If he can't handle that, well he probably isn't the right guy for you anyway. * Hugs * Link to comment
caro33 Posted October 31, 2006 Share Posted October 31, 2006 I agree with the advice you've been given. Let him make the next move. If you try to talk to him about 'salvaging something' (clinginess can be suffocating), you risk creating an even more awkward situation between you and that's the last thing you want. Give Tom his space, but if you see him smile and act as if nothing's happened. You didn't do anything wrong. He was just caught off guard or doesn't like holding hands in general. No need to beat yourself up over a moment of spontaneous affection. You have a loving heart. If he can't handle that, well he probably isn't the right guy for you anyway. * Hugs * Agree. Pretend I said all this as well. Link to comment
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