Sex with massage parlor worker

[Dako]

Chai,

That's a good observation, yet his emotions are at odds with some heavy warning signs.

She won't kiss him or reveal personal details, both pretty obvious badges of professionalism.

He even refers to himself as an idiot.

He's in for a nasty fall, don't you think?

[AwdreeHpburn]

Nah, I don't equate the two roles.

 

oh - ok.

 

well, sometimes it doesn't feel any different....but I digress....

[Beec]

Nah, I don't equate the two roles.

 

Agree with that.

[chai714]

Chai,

That's a good observation, yet his emotions are at odds with some heavy warning signs.

She won't kiss him or reveal personal details, both pretty obvious badges of professionalism.

He even refers to himself as an idiot.

He's in for a nasty fall, don't you think?

 

Yes, I agree that what he's doing will injure his self-esteem.

 

My post was about how he feels though - not about any consquences or whether or not his behavior is righteous.

[Dako]

He must feel really quite good!

[PittItaliano]

I just don't understand why you can't take this money that you are spending on your mistress and put it towards marriage counciling with your wife. I don't think it's fair to her or to your children. I personally find it disgusting that you are pay a girl to date you and have sex with you when you already have a family.

 

Have you ever even attempted to talk to your wife about your unhappiness in your marriage? She IS your WIFE, I think you owe her at least that.

 

As for people envying you because you have a hot "girlfriend" (I would call it a hot hooker) how do you think they would look at you if they knew you were married to someone else, and had kids with that other woman at home. Probably not in the same way.

 

Also, for everyone that said "we can't really judge tommyboy". I have no problem judging you. That obviously has to be what you wanted all of us to do, you posted no question, and no form of a rant. You really have no dilemma because sadly you are happy with what you are doing and don't see anything wrong with it.

 

Just know that sooner or later your wife is going to find out. Sooner or later you are going to have to face her, whether it's working on your marriage or getting a divorce. I doubt your "girlfriend" would marry you if you weren't with your wife, and your wife is still there.

You should be happy with what you have, your lucky to have a family that loves you.

[Shadows Light]

oh I don't know Dako... you get what you pay for. He really had no true intimacy with her. No trust. No strings. No complications (appart from the obvious).

 

She doesn't have to cook for him. Clean for him. Listen to him him gripe about his day. They don't share problems together. They don't share all the joys and sorrows of the "real" world together. She doesn't have to have sex on tap for him. He pays for what he gets for... that momentary .. snort... shot... drag.... addrenullun rush and he goes on his merry way. No responsibiliites. She goes off with MONEY at hand... and can pretty much do as she pleases. When she wants. How she wants. And doesn't need to ask permission to do what she wants. Even exchange????

 

Its a business deal. Pure and simple. There are no real feelings or emotions here. If he were to get run over by a train tomorrow or come down with some disasterous illness... bet she wouldn't cry over him.. care.... or sit by his side. She wouldn't willingly be there to help him up when he's down... feed him when he can't feed himself. Take care of him and get him back on is feet.

 

And his wife??? lol. I doubt she'd do the same for him either, knowing that he sold his soul for a bit of fun.

[Dako]

Also, for everyone that said "we can't really judge tommyboy". I have no problem judging you. .

 

PI, I just went back over this entire thread looking for your quote by "everyone." I can't find it.

[Beec]

oh I don't know Dako... you get what you pay for. He really had no true intimacy with her. No trust. No strings. No complications (appart from the obvious).

 

Its a business deal. Pure and simple. There are no real feelings or emotions here.

 

It need not be the case. It is possible for one or the other to become emotionally attached. If it were only a transaction, then it would be easy to stop and find another person with which to transact, or choose not to transact at all. The OP seems to be emotionally involved, which is sad for him. If she is not, then she seems to have him fooled, a real possibility.

[tommyboy]

yeh Im a sucker walk in my shoes and you may do the same things...just returned from dinner with a buddy of mine and he was encouraging me along the lines of "I dont steal, I work hard I am entitled to a bit of crumpet"

 

Well there is a lot of latin going around on this thread and I feel quite miserable because no one really sees my point except the guy with the waves picture.

 

Friends, comrades, posters I understand and agree with all your points of view. But I do have my needs be they good or bad. You all seem to think along christian religious lines like god will punish me and I am immoral etc. However you do not understand basic human needs. Remember I come from a broken home. We didnt all hug and kiss each other on xmas. I am me for better or for worse, dont categorise me.

 

I work hard for my family, work under adverse conditions, I am stressed to breaking point however I dont break. Surely that counts for something.

 

AUDI ALTERAM PARTEM

[Beec]

tommyboy,

 

You are now an adult, your lousy, broken family is no longer an excuse for your actions. Stop using it as one, be a Man. If you need help to get over your broken family, find it.

 

As as far as whether our thoughts come from faith or not, they also come from what we consider basic decency and, even, a concern for you. I think some of us are of the opinion that you will be among those hurt, in the end.

 

There may be other ways to get what you want and need, even from your wife.

[Shadows Light]

My hearing is very good thank-you.

It took you up till post number 25 to get to exactly WHY you are here...

 

Post 25

 

yes I understand I do feel happy by myself, but I feel perverted. i want to stop what i am doing but it is extremely hard. When I am stressed out sex is all i think about. Thats why I would like to let the girl go by just being her friend no monkey business.

 

You want to stop. You are using SEX as a soothing mechanism. Your drug of choice. And you don't feel good about it do you??? You said you are happy...and yet your feel perverted and you want to stop. If its such a great thing....why stop? Because you know its wrong. There's that little bit in you, inside... that no matter how you try to WHITE WASH this and defend... you know its wrong.

 

I know she is a borderling prof hooker I have that feeling because she seems conflicted and she doesnt act like a full time hooker. Its just a way for her to make extra moiney for her studies etc. So i dont know if I can make a moral impression on her to quit.

 

Her knight in shining armor??? You want to save her... educate her.... have her boost your ego.. just like you feel your ego is boosted by your friends when they clap you on the back.."WOW.. hot babe".... its empty isn't it???? Wouldn't you rather be your wifes HERO. Have her do this for you? Have her look at you with admiration and praise for bringing home the bacon. Have her eyes light up when you walk through the door because she's happy to see her HERO... her man. But no.. your met in bed with her back offered to you.

 

She says if i give her money then she doesnt have to work at the massage place. It makes me think about the world, what hurts me the most is I think what if she was my daughter. How can I leave someone who I could possibly help or save her life?

 

SAVE yourself first. You can not... save someone else.. or fix someone else until you save yourself first.

 

 

Post28

 

Yes this relationship has no future. She tells me she and her 2 Thai friends are going to Thailand on holiday and i think some idiot is going to foot the bill. The questions are (a) can she give me the love i really need when she looks in my eyes it is so hard not to think she cannot?

 

NO she can not. She can love the money you give her. She can love what that money brings her. But its NOT what you want really... its not really what you want out of life is it?

(b) She talks of the guys that have all turned bad with her, bad relationships etc, jealous guys, she even told me one guy kidnapped her.. Does this indicate these guys go crazy when they find out what she does? Does this indicate her manipulation is so effective guys believe they are in love with her and then cannot handle it when she calls it quits.

 

Possibly... you want what you can't have. And you can't squeeze blood out of a stone... you certainly arn't going to get real "LOVE" from this woman.

 

© If the guys were looking after her surely she wouldnt have called it quits.

 

She is what she is Tommy. Its what she's chosen to do. Don't question it. She could have called it quits for a lot of reasons. What does it matter why. Its an exchange of services rendered.

 

 

Post 35

It means I understand everything now. Whether I act on it I will decide tomorrow. I will tell the girl I dont want to have sex, we can go out as friends and I will pay her. That way I can break away gently

 

 

NOPE... you can't go out with her as friends. This would be like an alcholic... giving up the bottle, going to AA.. swearing of booze and then getting a job at the local pub the next day. You need to break it off.. and make it a clean blunt cut.

 

I do understand you. Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. Mans worst fear is rejection.. and isn't that what you are feeling at home?? Rejection???

 

Have you thought about.. .Marriage counseling with your wife? do you want to make it work with your wife? Do you want to see if it could be different? If she won't go to marriage counseling... will you consider going to see a counselor yourself. What have you got to lose? One of the things he/she may help you with is your... sexual addiction. And to sort some of the things that are going on at home. Sort out your stress.... and depression. Give it a whirl.. what have you got to lose.

 

Be careful about how much stock you put in the "adda boys" from your friends. You don't really know what they really think do you?

 

I do understand and I do hear you. But you are NOT her night in shining armor.. you will NOT save her. If she needs saving... she can save herself. We're a resourceful and resilliant lot.

[Shadows Light]

Tommyboy...

 

there are many people who "LOVE" thier spouses and family's... but are unhappy. What is it that they "LOVE" then??? do they love the cloak and title of being in a family? Why are they unhappy... are they feeling unappreicated.. unloved... do they feel like they are "JUST A PAYCHECK".... but whoa nelly.. they'll stay in that marriage and keep flogging a dead horse just... "BECAUSE."

 

I wonder if they do their spouses a diservice?? A diservice because they really arn't "IN LOVE" anymore but are .. comfortable. They love the trappings and the stuff that thier present position holds... but they arn't "IN LOVE" with thier spouse.

 

Had I stayed in my marriage to my husband... I would have done him a HUGE dis-service. I no longer loved him. He felt it.. I felt it.. why stay? For the cloak it gives us??? the TAX BREAK???? I don't think "marriage" is supposed to be that way.. a shackle. something to be endured.

 

Tommy... put some energy into really working at your marriage with your wife. Look at it... really really look at it with honest and open eyes. Flip every stone over and see if you can't "FIX" the relationship you have.... if its a relationship at all at this point. And then.... take in all that data... analyze it... and make some decisions.

 

Work YOUR life... save thyself.

 

You do your spouse a diservice.. and yourself.. because EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves to be LOVED.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Its sounds like she's got a good act. I had a friend whose stripper roommate would try that whole sob story crapola to make some change.

 

Frankly you're a John, she's a pro, you're business, the fact she doesn't want you to know where she lives means she doesn't take her work home with her. And just because your wife looks the other way doesn't make your actions any less disrespectful to the basis of marriage.

 

I think you really need to think about your children and what you want them to think about their father. How much respect do you think they will have for you if they knew you were paying a woman to be your friend.

 

You're paying for entertainment and she wants you to want it, so she's made you think you were being the hero, playing a nice little game feeding you crap to keep you interested.

[AwdreeHpburn]

PI, I just went back over this entire thread looking for your quote by "everyone." I can't find it.

 

 

 

lmao - Daks - you funny....

[tommyboy]

Ok respect sincerely thanks, it hurts but you are right. It is sometimes so difficult to see the wood from the trees.

 

Let me tell you god has always guided me well, he guided me onto this website. I will try resolve some issues with my wife. I am not happy that is what has led me to this place

[Shadows Light]

Tommyboy...

 

We're alll human and as such have failings, make mistakes. Seek and you shall find, look and you will see, open your ears and you will hear. You came here looking for answers and I do hope you found them.

 

Put an effort into fixing your marriage... and if its not right for you, then you get out. You both deserve to be "loved".

[Luck of the Irish]

What I can say is wear protection (to protect your wife) and try to bring some of this exciting sex into your own bedroom at home (with your wife).

 

?!?!?

 

Disregard this advice. It's horrible. That's like saying "Go ahead and rob that bank as long as you give some to charity."

 

Let me translate for you sir. See that thing dangling between your legs? Reach down and grab it. Now, go home and tell your wife you're cheating on her and that you want to fix your marriage. Either that, or divorce her. You can't call yourself a man. Have a little integrity.

 

I hate to break the news to you.. I know it's a shocker. But this girl is not attached to you. She is a hooker. You are paying her for sex. If your wallet is empty, guess who won't be around? She is used up. If you want a girl like this, be my guest. But man up and fix the problems with your family first.

[hazlcha]

You wrote "This is like an addiction."

 

Well, I'd say it IS an addiction. It is an escape from a reality that fails to inspire you. And that reality fails to inspire you because you have been disconnected from yourself.

 

What does that mean? Basically it means trying to be someone that other people expect you to be. And that's at the price of not being who you wish to be. That probably happened when you were very little, which is when it happens to so many. We allow our caretakers to judge us and tell us what to think and feel.

 

When we grow up, we allow society, spouses, etcetera to do the same. Being a faithful husband becomes a chore, just as being an obedient son who didn't have a right to his own emotions and desires.

 

And, well, eventually the child rebels. Even after he has grown up. Your affair with this woman is a rebellion against your wife not because of anything she does or says. It's because, simply, she is your wife and you are dutybound to be faithful. It's a rebellion against society, against "institutions," not a specific person.

 

The way forward is to begin the incredibly fulfilling but challenging journey to emotional wholeness. Addictions of all sorts are an escape and a rebellion, but are a greater falsehood than living a dictated life. The positive thing to know about this behavior and any compulsive behavior is that it is a cry for help. It is an alarm that your soul is not happy, is not connected to your personality as it should be. You are not whole.

 

The way forward is to hear that cry, but choose to fulfill it in a different way. It means to accept that you have a right to feelings, and to be in touch with yours on a constant basis. It means to be more alive, more in tune. That way you won't need these "collapses" of misbehavior when the facade is too hard to maintain. Eliminate the facade and life becomes light and joyful.

 

I'm not sure if all this made sense, but here's the upshot. Don't simply fight the behavior - as important as it is to change that behavior. Rather, revive yourself as a feeling human being. Change the way you carry yourself, you walk, sit, talk, everything. Get to know yourself and grow as a human from what your own feelings and spirit tell you.

[rodeo-rider]

Tommy, Yes I have some skeletons. I am not proud of a lot of things I have done. As you see here this is a public forum made up of people who are asking questions, hoping for answers.

 

I feel sorry for ANYONE who needs to pay a hooker to get some satisfaction from his life. I was not a prostitute, but I worked in a business that catered to men's "needs" and I did it to take money from them, period. And the taking money part, I was a professional all day long.....

 

Were not a bunch of opinionated jerks here. Well, maybe I am LOL. When your not too steamed up read back over what has been typed here. My wish for you is that you can turn your life around, and develop the ability to have an actual, real, caring relationship with a woman. One that does not require cash, check or charge. Preferably with the woman you married and who bore your children.

 

Don't repeat that crappy homelife you experienced as a kid. It will hurt your children for the rest of their lives.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I'm not sure if all this made sense, but here's the upshot. Don't simply fight the behavior - as important as it is to change that behavior. Rather, revive yourself as a feeling human being. Change the way you carry yourself, you walk, sit, talk, everything. Get to know yourself and grow as a human from what your own feelings and spirit tell you.

How is sitting up straight or walking with a different stride going to make his children feel any less animosity for the fact their father is sleeping with a hooker? How is that going to make the fact that he betrayed the family and wife he promised to love and care for?

 

You want change, you've got to stop being so selfish and look at the fact that there is a family that is your responsibility. They are your children, a part of you is in them, not caring for them is not caring for yourself. Let your family fall apart for a woman who won't even kiss you, throw away the lives of every one you were supposed to care for for a hooker, sounds exciting and sexy doesn't it.

[Day_Walker]

How is sitting up straight or walking with a different stride going to make his children feel any less animosity for the fact their father is sleeping with a hooker? How is that going to make the fact that he betrayed the family and wife he promised to love and care for?

 

You want change, you've got to stop being so selfish and look at the fact that there is a family that is your responsibility. They are your children, a part of you is in them, not caring for them is not caring for yourself. Let your family fall apart for a woman who won't even kiss you, throw away the lives of every one you were supposed to care for for a hooker, sounds exciting and sexy doesn't it.

 

I believe that when most people argue what infidelity does to a family, they have a tendency to argue the ideal instead of what actually goes on within the family. I cant say that having idealistic notions of what happens within a family unit is not going to help here. The truth is that he is married (I dont know if it was mentioned that he had kids, but maybe it was) and he is cheating on his wife. Now he has justified his cheating as his wife is not interested in sex so he seeks it else where. Now I am sure that this is going to have some effect on his relationship within the family but as he stated before his wife knows about his cheating and stated that it is actually joked about.

As long as he isnt getting the sex he wants from his wife, I am sure that he is going to continue doing what he is doing. Now this is going to effect his family but as long as no consequences are being offered then he will continue to do this because it is beneficial to him.

[rocio]

Maybe your wife would be more interested in sex if you were more sexy. Try fixing your personality instead of paying for someone who is going to be interested in you just because it's their job.

 

And even if you are having "protected sex" you can still get std's. I have a close friend whose father was cheating and has now infected his wife with hiv. It can happen, and it does.

[Siriana]

 

What do u think?

 

 

 

LOL. What do we think? Why? I don't see you have a problem. You just wrote a story to us. Where is a problem?

[Baby Carrot]

Hey, Tommy Boy...

 

At least you're honest.

 

At least you're not sugarocoating things.

 

At least you admit the awful truth.

 

At least you're not in denial.

 

At least you're aware of how judgmental we all are.

 

However I agree with Shadows Light... what's the point? Why you want our opinion/insight for? Seems like you've got everything figured out. You're aware of basically everything that someone in that situation should be aware of.

 

I also agree with Dako, all that infatuation and protectiveness is a product of her, messing with your head... Like in Moulin Rouge... the only way of loving her baby, is to pay a lovely fee. The rest is an act. Is her job, you're paying for a service. Period. I don't think anything else can grow there.

 

Anyhoo, I'm much more amazed on how people in this thread keep throwing stones at you, judging, calling things by mean names and expressing their disgust, like automatically. Because we're all told since we are little to react like that to this kind of situation.

 

But we all have a dark side too. We are told to appear as goodie goodies 100% of time, supress all the "bad" and have a smile in our faces and good intentions 24/7. And if you lack any of that, fake it.

 

People may keep throwing stones at you, bashing and almost spitting thru their posts. But you know better than anyone your own situation. You're not gonna repress your feelings at this point. You made your mess and now you gotta weasel out of it, for sure. Luckily you will learn your lesson.

 

But is not gonna be a 'happily ever after' fairy tail, as it is supposed to (again with the common suppositions and expectations). This may lead to a divorce, and worst. Whatever. I think u took a lot of bashing and slapping already.

 

At this point you should already be thinking a little bit outside the box and see what's next. Yeah what you did is wrong, disgusting, unacceptable, terrible, awful, scary, shocking, nauseating, unspeakable, horrid... that's settled already.

 

What are you gonna do next? What did you learn from all this? Do you wanna try and fix your marriage or walk away and start something new? What are your options now? What was the lesson? How did all this made you stronger and wiser?

 

Im pretty sure most people would be more than happy to crucify you for this. Some of them already did it with their words. But theare are laws that prevent that. It doesn't matter how much you are criticized for this, guess what? Is not illegal. Now, get yourself together and move forward.