Married man....please help

[female1981]

hello again everybody, just thought i would post how i am feeling....

 

i am generally feeling more positive today about things. i am still v.bothered that he must think i am pining over him, but on the other hand i am glad i sent him that last email saying i thought he acted like a jerk and about how selfish i felt he had been. ....sometimes my feelings fight with themselves though as i do still care for him and don't want him to think i am some kind of self centred vixen who refused to see things from his side,, but then that last email lets me walk away with my pride intact.. i really want time to pass now so the longer it gets, the more he realises that i am over it. and i have finally come to the realisation that the ONLY way to make him realise over it is to NOT email him! yes, finally i realise this. i am still hurting inside, still wish he had been single. but its like ive woken up and smelt the coffee. i will put this whole episode down to experience...

 

and dammit, i WILL meet somebody who will get me going and excite me just as much as he did/does. i am beautiful, attractive and desired by guys... why am i sitting here all despressed. looking forward to work next week, gonna make an effort to look gorgeous and will thereforeeee get even more attention than usual... will surely get me on a high! god i must sound so not-modest!!!! sorry... but im just a girl that feels sexy and pretty!!!!!

[annie24]

how is the project coming along?

[female1981]

annie!!!! ok ok its still not done, but im working on it, promise!

[annie24]

I'm just saying, take the energy you are expending on worrying about this man, and throw it into your work. Once the project is done, you can sit and worry about this man then.

[female1981]

you are right. thanks for the level-headed advcie. im gonna follow it!

[female1981]

hey everybody, report is nearly finished , but feeling a bit distracted....

 

why does life have to suck so much..... really gonna annoy everybody reading now.... but why couldnt he be damn single!!!!!!!! yes i know, he's NOT. deal with it...... goddammit. i never expected to like somebody again so soon..... and i didnt just like him, i had to go and fall in love, then find out he was married.... jeez.... what did i do to deserve this. fear not ladies, i am not under any illusions that i should email him. i dont think i want to email him ever again - in that sense, i have been saved....tomorrow will be day 5 of NC (yipee)..i just needed to vent out a bit. gosh..... i really really really really like him!!!! keep imagining stuff with him, how it would feel etc. i need help, professional help.

[ImThatGirl]

Female - You make me smile. I've so been through this stuff before. I know how the emotions go back and forth firsthand.

 

You are doing great! Keep it up. And stick to that plan of looking gorgeous!!!!!! You will find someone some day and look back at this thinking "What the hell was I thinking?" And laugh.....

 

Hugs to you!

[female1981]

Female - You make me smile. I've so been through this stuff before. I know how the emotions go back and forth firsthand.

 

You are doing great! Keep it up. And stick to that plan of looking gorgeous!!!!!! You will find someone some day and look back at this thinking "What the hell was I thinking?" And laugh.....

 

Hugs to you!

 

thanks! uve been great imthatgirl....

 

my biggest problem now is with thoughts of 'what could have been'. it doesn't help that i have known him for 2 years too - quite a significant amount of time. maybe i should look at the positive side though. he is respected, feared, super intelligent, has never tried it on with any female the whole time ive been there, he is looked up to, has an enormous presense etc etc... and he chose me! little ole me!!!! and he said the reasons he liked me were not only to do with having a pretty face - it was cos he thought i was so nice just by watching me interact with others! ...........so........ sure, this whole thing was an ego boost for him, but why shouldn't it be an ego boost for me. i do believe that had he have been single, he wouldn't have thought twice (he said so himself).... that is a massive ego boost as i never ever thought i would be his kind of girl!!! getting over the shock that he liked me in the first place was a massive task... and each time it hit me that HE liked ME i was shocked all over again!!!! i must be pretty damn good!

[annie24]

honey - keep working on your project. you don't want to lose your job or lose respect at your job over this man....

[female1981]

just finished the report and sent it off - i know it could have been better... i really need to start focusing on work again.... need to get back on track. this whole episode has taken away nearly 2 months away from me....

 

but i am definitely going to stick to looking at all of this from a brighter side. i am still really flattered that this guy liked me. yes, i know he is not god and doesnt 'validate' me in anyway..... but i dont think u guys would understand as u dont know him. he's not the kind of guy that is easy to 'get' if u know what i mean... but in a sense i 'got' his attention. and u know what? that's gonna have to be good for me. and we had fun, finding out that we liked each other was fun, emailing each other was fun... the weeks and months that built up to it were a lot of fun... the day dreaming about him when i didnt know and the little comments we dropped towards each other here and there were a lot of fun... i never got to enjoy him but i do have tiny little memories which still make me smile... and like i said... that will have to be good enough for me.

 

now i will focus on getting back to myself, getting back into work. but i will still think of him, ofcourse i will, but i will try to think of the good, fun stuff. and u know what? i never lost anything through all of this. i never gave him 'me'. the physical never happened so i do not have to hang my head in shame either.... it could have been worse. no...... i had fun

[Me_alone]

Hi Female - glad you're feeling better today. I like reading your posts because you reflect exactly how I feel. Sometimes ashamed, sometimes angry, sometimes wistful sometimes positive...and most important, missing deadlines and projects just to think about the man who caused so much grief!! It helps to know I'm not alone!

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you're definitely making progress. Just don't be hard on yourself.

 

Some quotes that have helped me keep focus and are good to read when I feel low:

 

1 - Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.

2 - Be a master of change, not a victim of change

3- There is only one path to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will

4- Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders, some absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

5- Tell whoever has sorrow, Grief shall not last; Just as joy has no tomorrow, Woe is bound not to last...

 

All the best! Hang in there...

[female1981]

hi me_alone

 

thanks for your post. yeah i do feel a bit better today but it really is like a rollercoaster because it varies soooo much everyday. infact it varies every hour, every minute even. i am on day 5 of NC though so im feeling pretty good...

 

i loved the quotes - no.4 especially!

[herewegoagain]

female - you will be ok. I promise. I'm sure you will find a man that loves you like you love him. you will be so happy someday - guaranteed. I'm sure you are very attractive and beautiful, and a guy would love the opportunity to date someone like you. You seem very passuonate and caring, and guys would love to get to know you. Take it from a guy like me - you will be fine. Please believe that!!!

[female1981]

thanks herewegoagain

 

i hope you are right. its such a shame i had to get stuck on a guy thats unavailable... give me time though - i'll be over it!

[female1981]

hi everyone... really need to post how i am feeling. its funny, i was really looking forward to today, i felt that i would deal with it well. but i didnt at all. instead i spent the enitre day feeling miserable. i never planned on feeling like this. no..... i had planned to look gorgeous and flirt loads! i think i got the first bit right but the second... i wasnt in the mood when it came down to it. my mind just isnt right.

 

i just can't stop thinking about him. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? I am so so so so disappointed in myself. I was never meant to be like this, get this caught up, behave this desparate. In the past I have NEVER made myself so available to anyone. At school I was the girl that was not achievable. Guys would be AFRAID to ask me out, afraid to deal with the rejection. I just wasn't available even if I was single. I had a lot of pride! Then, at university, same story.... I would give advice to girlfriends on 'how not to act cheap or easy' and guys would admire me from afar but were too scared to ask me out. I had a really good reputation as I managed to still be very very friednly with absolutely everyone, was very popular etc.

 

And then THIS happens. What am I doing. I'm better than this. I should be able to get my head off this guy. I mean, I HAVE to get my head off this guy as it can never happen. I am fully aware of that and yet - I still can't stop thinking about him. I just cant stop. It's like even if I am chatting to someone or keeping myself busy... he is still there. When is this going to stop?? Right now, it is not in my control and I hate that.

 

Well, it is nearly the end of day 5 NC. Tomorrow will be day 6 and that's good.... I know its good. I need to stop feeling so miserable about the whole situation. Yesterday I was positive, I know. But today, I am finding it hard. I just can't stop thinking about him!!!!!!

[Dilly]

I'm going to give you a task. I want you to start focussing on one new concept a day and to write about it in a new and fresh light. I want you, since you are literarily inclined, to write about a particular subject, the night, and let your imagination lead you down the creative path and follow it no matter where it takes you, but do not let him enter the fore. He is not what this is about - but sure, if it's about the way he made you feel, those emotions are allowed. But create in your mind a world around one subject, the night and ponder it and make the subject your very own.

 

If I were to give myself this task, I might start out with (thinking totally extemporaneously here): Two lovers kissed under the starlight in front of a large brownstone building in New York, where she had lived and for two years now, as an architect trained in .....

 

Now, who the hell cares if you continue to focus on the night, but just let your mind tell you a story and free your heart from its trap. Let your mind walk your heart around for a while.

[Mike_Wazowski]

People hate to be ignored.....But you are starting to sound like you're obsessed with this guy....There are Millions of Singles guys out there...I suggest you turn your efforts to one of them. I suggest you quit your job and never contact the Brother again. Many people believe, "Absense makes the heart grow fonder" But I personally like the one that says, 'Out of sight, out of mind'

 

Good Luck

[female1981]

hi guys,

 

ive had the worst night ever. dreamt about him and now am strggling even more to get him off my mind. yes i am starting to feel obssessed and its beginning to feel very unhealthy. my work is really suffering. i am falling behind on deadlines and anything im turning in is a load of rubbish which is starting to get me in to trouble.

 

i cannot quit my job as i am on a contract and still have a year until completion. anyway, he is on another site and contact of any form will be minimal.

 

i need to adopt another attitude - and fast. this is destroying who i am. people at work noticed i was not myself yesterday which was not good as i felt very awkward trying to lie and tell everyone i was fine - just said i'm a little tired, thats all. i'm just not in the mood for anything and i'm not listening to anything people are telling me.

 

i can't figure it out. either i am in love with this guy or i have a serious obssessive problem. but i have never been this way over anyone before. thereforeeee i come to the sad conclusion that i am in love which just makes me a lost cause really.

 

thanks for your advice dilly. yes i do like to write, use my imagination etc so i think i will use your advice about the writing thing. i'd love it if it occupies my mind and stops me thinking about him.

 

day 6 NC has begun. the weird thing is, although i do miss him like mad more and more with each day of NC, thankfully i do not feel like emailing him again because I do realise how stupid and desparate that would make me look... sure stupid and desparate are what i am - but he doesn't need to know it!

 

right... gonna try and get through another day

[Me_alone]

Good luck for today. I know what you mean. I have barely made critical deadlines and am sitting on the computer, thinking of YOU KNOW WHO, when he is probably just relieved I am out of his life.

 

I do feel really ridiculous. I miss him and his presense in my life even though it was pure torment. I was doing well a few days ago - and thought I was over him and the pain, but today, it's back to square one. All I can hope is that this despondency will soon pass. I know there will be highs and lows - when I'm in a low I tell myself the high is coming next...

 

just something to look forward to...!! Hang in there - Ive been told it gets easier....let's keep our fingers crossed!

[Me_alone]

And you're not obsessive - just normal.

You'd be a robot if you didnt think this way...

[female1981]

I really do hope it gets easier. I feel such a fool though. Why I am so in to this guy that I didn't even have a relationship with. For God's sake, we never even touched. And yet I am still like this. I mean I haven't seen him since they moved off site which is nearly 2 weeks now. There is something seriously wrong with me.

 

I do feel obssessive - and pathetic with it.

[Dilly]

I've been exactly where you are (well almost - not with a married man) and this is why it's absolutely imperative that you refrain. The obsessive thinking about him will only keep you focussed on the rejection, the ignorance, and over time, this is hell on one's self-confidence. The more you focus on him, the more impact he will have on your ego. Honestly, I had a dream that the guy I was obsessing about saw me in the mall and we had a nice meaningful conversation that offered all the closure I could ever desire, but ... that only fed more coal into the fire of my heart and even though the dream offered closure, it made me more inclined to call. You've had your closing remarks. Move on and know that the more you focus on other things, the quicker you're on the mend. I'm serious when I tell you I suffered tremendous damage emotionally from my continued obsession and you will as well if you continue. Healing is a process but you really must recognize the power you have over your own thoughts. You must begin to distract yourself and focus that energy constructively. I say this to you in the same vein that I would caution myself if I could rewind the clock six years. You will heal.

[Dilly]

And you're not pathetic, but allowing yourself the luxury of obsession will only offer short-term relief while eroding away at you from the core. Do not continue with this addictive thought process.

[female1981]

hi dilly. thanks again for ur words of support. well luckily i am on a high point on this rollercoaster that is my emotions. i started the day feeling like ultimate crap and somehow ended up in a slightly better place by surrounding myself with people that i like and keeping my mind occupied... so i do feel a bit better now but i am not going to hold out for it staying this way as then i will probably come crashing down and that hurts like hell. i realise that i may feel like rubbish again anytime soon so i want to be mentally prepared for that

 

you are right that i need to stop allowing myself to keep obssessing over him though, as it just prolonging the pain. i do promise you that i am really really trying. i am also trying to remind myself about his bad points each time i feel sad or long for him as that makes me remember that i deserve better and so that generally picks up my mood.

 

well day 6 NC is nearing completion! hey i am so close to my record of completing 7 whole days! it was on the 8th day last time that i broke NC and ended up emailing. i feel confident that i will break my record... and not just break it, but that this time i will stick to NC for as long as it takes until my mind is free of this burden. i do hope that in the meanwhile he is rotting ever so slightly inside thinking that i do think he is a selfish jerk and thats why i have stopped emailing him. on some levels i hate him so much.

 

okay, got some work i want to do now.... and yes i am gonna focus on work - take advantage of my slightly better mood.

 

a big thanks to everybody that has and continues to support me throughout this...

[Dilly]

Oh girl, it's good to hear from you on this high note. I understand, trust me. I think you're going to overcome this soon though, much sooner than I. I am only speaking to you in the vain that I would speak to myself if I could years ago. I want to give you a gigantic hug for being so receptive to the feedback. That really shows your interest in moving on.