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Married man....please help


female1981
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I really need some advice. I have been working for a company for 2 years now. I broke up with an ex bf of 6 years approx 10 months ago. Since then, I discovered that somebody at work has fancied me since I started. After discovering that he had feelings for me (and vice versa) he told me he was married. He has been married for a few years but the strange thing was that hardly anybody knew he was married. His reasons for not telling anyone were personal, due to some family problems. Although nothing physical happened bewteen us, we did email each other constantly for approx a week and also met in the company canteen, spending hours talking to each other.

 

I was then due for a holiday. During my break, we continued to email but then one morning, I got an email from him saying that he felt guilty and that maybe I should stop emailing him. I did not take it well at all as by that time I had really fallen for him. I went completely mad and kept emailing him, ringing his office etc, but he just ignored me. The more he ignored me, the more I kept hassling him. I feel like an idiot, as I know I should have walked away as soon as i found out he was married. I just really really liked him.

 

This all happened just over a month ago, and I'm still obssessed with him. In fact, I just emailed him about an hour ago. I know I'm doing the worng thing, but I can't control myself. I think I like him a lot as he did not try and take advantage physically as I know i would not have been strong enough to push him away.

 

I must look like such a desparate idiot. I have lost all dignity due to my constant emailing and hassling.

 

I really really need help....

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He's pulled back... he's told you that he's married. That my dear is what is called a "DEAL BREAKER".

 

You are on vacation??? well get your head on straight and get it together. DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT.. email him anymore. Do you NOT VALUE your paycheck??? Do you not value your job??? He's put the kajbash on it... and told you to "go away"... what you are doing now is what is called..."harassMENT" at work, and it can land you in a heap of trouble and cost you your job. Is he worth losing your paycheck for???

 

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.NO.

 

Practice detachment. Find something else to focus on.

 

I know he led you on in the beginning... but now you can not unknow what you know. You have to move on.

 

There's an old saying you may want to ingrain into your head...

 

NEVER CHIT WHERE YOU EAT.

 

Your paycheck pays for your bills... keep it in perspective.

 

You arn't the first or the last.... 40% of affairs start in the office they say.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

well, I think it is good that you came here, it seems you know something is not right about this relationship.

 

I must say, I think it is odd that he hasn't told people that he is married. that is sketchy. but I definitely think you should stop e-mailing him, especially since he told you to.

 

why are you obsessed with this man? is it something about him? what if you met a new man, would you still be into this guy? have you thought about doing link removed, just to meet some new guys and take your mind off of this one? it could help....

 

good luck

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REJECTION is why you are doing this. Rejection hurts....period.

You need to put the shoe on the other foot though....if you asked HIM

to stop contacting you, and he didn't, how would you feel?

 

Pride makes us do things we aren't proud of...but it can also prevent us

from doing things we regret. Personally, I guess it depends what end

of the spectrum you are self esteem wise.

 

Either way...you need to respect his wishes...and stop contacting him.

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It's so easy to fall into this trap i.e. worrying about what you have said or done, then trying to correct it by doing it again but differently, changing your words to make it better for you, explaining this or that and the reason you have done it. It's so so easy.

 

BUT there is a way out. Admitting that you have a problem is half the battle and wanting to stop means your almost there.

 

Today is a new beginning for you. Your here for a reason. You can't change the past, what's done is done. Worrying about it, or the fact he may take this or that the wrong way won't help. Draw a line under this, see the whole picture from both sides and when the feeling comes that compels you to do this again, let it pass. Can't do it? Yes you can.

 

Everytime you FEEL that you HAVE to mail him, sign in HERE instead. Talk to us, write as many emails to him as you like on here, start a journal if you want to, we can and are willing to hear you out time and time again, for as long as it takes and he will never know.

 

What about him and what he might think? Well he can wait, when you have this under control, you can and will be able to sort this out, find peace of mind and put things straight. It doesn't matter what he thinks right now, all that matters is that you are dealing with this and soon it will be over. You got us now ok, use us.

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It's so easy to fall into this trap i.e. worrying about what you have said or done, then trying to correct it by doing it again but differently, changing your words to make it better for you, explaining this or that and the reason you have done it. It's so so easy.

 

BUT there is a way out. Admitting that you have a problem is half the battle and wanting to stop means your almost there.

 

 

What about him and what he might think? Well he can wait, when you have this under control, you can and will be able to sort this out, find peace of mind and put things straight. It doesn't matter what he thinks right now, all that matters is that you are dealing with this and soon it will be over. You got us now ok, use us.

 

Thank you so so much. I feel so pathetic. One of the things that he said he liked about me for so long was the way I carried myself as a 'lady'. But now... I've totally ruined that.

 

He said he was in love with me. I wanted it to be true. I always thought he was special. One of the reasons for this was the fact that he never showed an interest in females at work, like all the other guys. Most guys at work would talk about women all the time, depsite being married or having girlfriends, but he never did and I was so flattered to find out that he felt that way about me. I just feel so desparate now.

 

I don't get it though. Is he being really strong now or does he regret all the things he said to me. Maybe he never meant them.

 

I do not have much experience with the opposite sex. I am an old fashioned kinda girl, and yes, I fell in love with him. He is very intelligent and strong minded. And he is physically attractive also...(he has a great body!)

 

Half of the company is moving however... I will be at one end whilst he will be at another. In fact, this week will be the last that we are located at the same site. And I doubt we will see much of each other this week anyway. So... I know what I have to do. Get on with it for this week, pretend I am okay. Not contact him or try to get him to talk to me... all sounds like a good plan but I make this plan every week, but am not able to follow it. I guess what I want deep down is for him to come to me, say that he wants to talk about things and for him to confess that he has been feeling the same way as me.

 

I need to get over this so badly. I need to stop being so weak.

 

Thank you for all replies and please please continue to reply as it does actually provide some peace.

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Hello Female1981,

 

I have posted on other area in Infidelity about a man that I met in a chat room over 2 YEARS AGO...Listen to what I just said...2 YEARS of being with a man who for the first 9 months told me that he was "separated". Like you, I fell head over heels for. Last month after him telling me "Im leaving my wife, You will be part of my world soon" he started slacking off on the phone calls. But I dont feel its GUILT related. Men love the excitement of "cheating"...they look for the EGO BOOST.... Do yourself a favor and dont get more involved than you already are..Because like Bethany said.

 

 

It's so easy to fall into this trap i.e. worrying about what you have said or done, then trying to correct it by doing it again but differently, changing your words to make it better for you, explaining this or that and the reason you have done it. It's so so easy.

 

Ive been there just recently trying to get him to tell me that its OVER...For some reason this man wont give me an answer because like friends say...He wants you on the SIDE..hes never leaving his wife...He refuses to answer my calls or emails and said that I was a Jeckyl and Hyde and its to stressing to talk to me...Well when someone IGNORES you...and strings out your emotions its hard not to feel desperate.

 

I wont humilarte myself anymore with all the phone calls and emails. You have to be strong because he is going to call you again...for the "EGO BOOST"...nothing more....I know from experience...

 

Good Luck!

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hi gumdrops_and_lollipops,

 

Thanks for the reply. It's nice to hear from someone who knows how I feel. Yes, my married guy is ignoring me too and I feel that the more I pester him , the more he ignore's...but then whats wrong with me?????????? If I know that, then I should be able to stop hassling him!!!!!!!!!

 

I too asked for him to tell me to my face that it really is not going to happen. I asked him to give me closure. But he ignored those requests also. What is funny though is that for 5 days I did not email him (this was around 2 weeks ago) and he then emailed me! It was a very short email telling me something that had happened (he has major other problems in his life right now) and actually said that I did not need to reply... but what did I go and do..... I replied!!!!!!!!!! Sure enough, he then started ignoring me again.....

 

I can't stand the fact that I have lost my dignity. I so so want it back but am really struggling on how that will happen.

 

He never was in love with me... that does hurt a hell of a lot. Yes, I do think it was an ego boost for him. He told me that a lot of guys at work thought I was attractive, and so I guess it was a huge ego thing for him.

 

Why can't I get over this??????????????

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Ok i have taken insult. It is not only men that do this, women do this all the time! It isnt a male thing only, it is accross ALL genders!!!.

As someone said, REJECTION makes you do stupid things because it makes yo feel as if you are not good enough and thereforeeee you TRY to prove yourself by proving yourself of who you are, why you are worth while to him.

IMO, to stop this process, you have to step back and say to yourself, you have nothing to prove as it wasnt a rejection that you are not good enough. It was the fact that he is married and has responsibilities which he ISNT going to give up for anyone. My dear it isnt personal (though it got personal for you.)

It is time to realise that you are good enough for anyone, but he is taken and that you have to do the right thing and leave the MARRIED man alone to his family which you should have from the start! TAKE a look and do the right thing. He is married so why are you fiighting over him. Leave him alone

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So... I know what I have to do. Get on with it for this week, pretend I am okay. Not contact him or try to get him to talk to me... all sounds like a good plan but I make this plan every week, but am not able to follow it. I guess what I want deep down is for him to come to me, say that he wants to talk about things and for him to confess that he has been feeling the same way as me.

 

What you have to think about now is that even if he DOES feel the same as you, and he probably does, but he has thought this over and his conscience has gotten the better of him. When he goes home to his wife, he probably feels incredibly guilty and cannot look her in the eye. It's extremely difficult to live with such lies and deceit, especially when you love someone else and live with them.

 

You fell for a good honest man who made a mistake by getting too close to you and he is now trying to stop things going further because he IS a good man. Don't add to his problems.

He KNOWS that people can and do get hurt and he doesn't want that for you or his wife, which is why he has ended it. It's not a reflection on you. It's a good man doing the right thing. Accept that.

 

Sometimes you have to follow your heart and I think the love he feels for his wife has overridden any thoughts or feeling he may have had for you. The way you feel is hard to bear, but it can be done and you CAN do it.

 

In time all this will be a distant memory and you will look back and see he WAS a good man but he couldn't take things further because he was someone else's man, and that certainly is NOT your fault. It's just the way it is.

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What you have to think about now is that even if he DOES feel the same as you, and he probably does, but he has thought this over and his conscience has gotten the better of him.

You fell for a good honest man who made a mistake by getting too close to you and he is now trying to stop things going further because he IS a good man. Don't add to his problems.

He KNOWS that people can and do get hurt and he doesn't want that for you or his wife, which is why he has ended it. It's not a reflection on you. It's a good man doing the right thing. Accept that.

 

 

 

Thanks again Bethany. I really appreciate the replies.

 

But I just can't deal with certain things. I do agree with you, he is an honest man and he obviously couldn't deal with the guilt. This only makes me want him more unfortunately! It's stupid I know. But if he was really really good, surely he would have had one last conversation with me and said that i should leave him alone. In fact, when I asked him to tell me to stop if thats what he wanted, why did he not do so? Why did he and does he keep ignoring me? That's what I hate. That's what hurts more than anything... to be ignored.

 

And that one week where I stopped emailing him... he ended up emailing me... he even apologised for not replying to my mails. That just makes me think that if I keep mailing him then maybe in some strange kind of way, he feels okay and secure that I still want him, but if I stop, then he needs to assure himself that I haven't lost interest. thats not so good and honest on his part is it?

 

But what you said about him going home to his wife and looking her in the eye really hit me. I have been quite selfish, thinking only about my own feelings. I never once let myself think of how what happens when he went home... how he must have interacted with her when they saw each other every evening. He used to email me until the early hours. And for a couple of days we were emailing each other replies every half hour! Where was his wife? How must he have treated her? I think thats when the guilt must have really set in.

 

I want to really be strong. Get back that reputation that I had at work. He never ever thought I would be interested in him. He sadi that he had a really good high opinion of me. I know it is too late to get that back as he will be moving at the end of this week and unfortunately, when he leaves he will think very differently of me. I have been so bad. At one point, I was ringing his office and trying to force him to talk to me... but he wouldn't come to the phone, asking colleagues to tell me that he would ring me back in my office, ofcourse he never did call back, god what an idiot i have made of myself.

 

I think what hurts the most is that I have behaved so foolishly. What must he think of me now.... he probably has no respect for me whatsoever.... that kills me.... and it's all my own fault

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me again

 

I just wrote a short poem, inspired by another user. It is directed to my married man... have to admit i am so so tempted to email it to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

arrrrggggh..... this is really eating me up inside........ badly want to send it to him..............

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I got an email from him saying that he felt guilty and that maybe I should stop emailing him..

 

You already HAD that talk. He has already told you that it has to stop. By going back to him, you have been drawing him back into something he doesn't want, he is feeling guilty to both of you, not knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best. he must be in a right state.

 

You have to accept that nothing is going to happen, he has told you this.. He mails you back because his emotions are swinging back and fore, not because he wants to be with you, he is feeling a massive ammount of guilt. Thats hard to live with, he must be feeling like his whole world is under threat,feeling horror at your mails and wondering what you will say or do next. Just leave him be.

 

If you send that poem, you are messing with HIS mind. Stop doing that. When a man is messed up, he is NOT going to make any decision but instead he will reach boiling point. He might even blow a fuse and become angry with you, start hating you and wish he never met you. That is not what you want surely?

 

Remember this is a FEELING inside you, nobody is making you do this but YOU. Own this feeling.

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He did you an enormous favor by telling you he cant have this relationship. If you think your in pain now, just imagine if you were to have carried this thing farther and then he told you he cant have a relationship with you.

 

Save yourself future heartache and forget him! He is married!

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By going back to him, you have been drawing him back into something he doesn't want, he is feeling guilty to both of you, not knowing which way to turn and what to do for the best. he must be in a right state.

 

You have to accept that nothing is going to happen, he has told you this.. Just leave him be.

 

If you send that poem, you are messing with HIS mind. Stop doing that. When a man is messed up, he is NOT going to make any decision but instead he will reach boiling point. He might even blow a fuse and become angry with you, start hating you and wish he never met you. That is not what you want surely?

 

Remember this is a FEELING inside you, nobody is making you do this but YOU. Own this feeling.

 

You are so right. I know it. I have to be strong now. For myself. I have to put myself first now. I can't allow myself to look so weak, pathetic and desparate any longer. Like you said, I need to own this feeling... and by owning it, I will control it.

 

The last email I sent him was around 5 hrs ago. This forum has really helped as I have wanted to email him many times since. The support (special thanks to Bethany) has helped. I am in love with him... it is the first experience in my grown up life of unrequited love... I guess it hurts so much because I keep torturing myself with thoughts of what could have been.

 

Bethany you are right with your advice on how to deal with this. I think men are quite different to us women. they need space a lot of the time, and lots of it. I know that men do not like to be hassled about anything and the more you hassle, the more you push them away. and you are right, that is not what i want. it is (if i am completely honest with myself), the opposite - although i know that that is wrong in itself.

 

I just wish he hadn't have said certain things to me. He told me that he wished he had met me earlier. I have to admit I was blown away. he said that looking in to my eyes killed him as it was so intense... i was overwhelmed...

 

I respected him from the day I started working there...he is in charge of major projects and respected and feared.... i didn't think for one second he could feel this way about me and so when i heard all these things it was the most amazing high ever... I just cannot describe it... amazing, amazing, amazing... but it was snatched away from me so ruthlessly, so quickly, abruptly and without warning.... and so everyday since he asked me to back off i have felt more and more towards him. I am in love, and i think i liked him way before we even admitted to each other how we felt.

 

but now, you are right. not only do i have to 'own' this feeling, i have to learn acceptance. acceptance that we had some special moments... i just hope that everything he said to me, he meant. because what would make this pain even worse than it already is, is finding out that he just got carried away and that he didn't mean all that he told me.

 

I need to just go out there, make myself look beautiful, feel confident and flirt! I need to forget him - hard as that will be, as all I am doing every awful second of every hour is thinking about him...

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Female1981,

Everything that you are feeling and telling us is mirrored of what I have been dealing with. Thanks to Bethany and doyathink I am feeling better about letting go. When you said...." I guess what I want deep down is for him to come to me, say that he wants to talk about things and for him to confess that he has been feeling the same way as me." and "In fact, when I asked him to tell me to stop if thats what he wanted, why did he not do so? Why did he and does he keep ignoring me? That's what I hate. That's what hurts more than anything... to be ignored". I have asked myself that a MILLION times...for me the difference is that this man pretended that he wanted something much more with me. I wanted to walk away a few times and he said NO NO NO..."Wait for me"..Honey...you have to just accept that you arent going to get any answers. When my affair thinks that I am going to move on and find someone else ...he contacts me...Its a control issue...I hate the cliche ..Have your cake and eat it too..Is a BS...LAME...COWARD excuse for these men...Think how you are feeling now...I have NC after 2 years of everyday routine...I know Exactly what you are feeling and honestly until I realized it myself no one could tell me.. I made excuses..And as for the email with all his "problems" When I told mine that he had 5 days to contact me or it was over...I got an email the following day telling me that He was working 2 jobs...Financially broke...his wife had breast cancer...father had lung tumor...How his life SUCKED...Shall I go on...Was he trying to make me feel guilty and not leave him so that he wouldnt loose the Fantasyland? I wish that you find Peace..Just know that its not going to come right away..Dont let him control your life.

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hi gumdrops_and_lollipops

 

thanks for the reply. i know you will think i am stupid with what i am about to say next... but i believe that my married man was different. he never let this carry on for very long... he felt guilty... even though we never even touched!!!! this only makes me love him more unfortunately.

 

i think i am slowly coming to the realisation that the more i force myself on him with all these emails, the more damage i am doing to my name and the more i have to feel embarrassed about.

 

i want him so so much. i cant even begin to tell you. but he has backed off. i absolutely have to leave it in his hands if i want to maintain any sort of self worth or respect. with each email (and lack of a reply) i feel more useless and worthless and its a nasty cycle, cos then i just want to email him again....

 

guys thanks for your understanding and patience.

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hello everybody

 

feeling like absolute crap this morning. really regretting the last few emails i sent him (do not worry... i have not sent anything since joining this forum - i mean the ones i sent before that).

 

i feel so so depressed. after this week we will no longer be working in the same place. i feel sick inside. i feel like im going to throw up the breakfast ive just eaten. im in a very very bad state... i wish he cared.

 

okay, gotta get ready now.

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hey female1981 - don't be so hard on yourself. yeah, sending the e-mails wasn't the best idea, but that is in the past now, and today is a new day. you said you will be working in a different place next week, so I think that would be a good opportunity for you to start the slate clean.

 

anyways, live and learn. you'll be ok, just don't focus on what he is up to, just focus on your own life now.

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Hello again everyone.

 

Well I am writing this from work. Seen him once today... no eye contact made. Decided I am going to stay out of his way as much as poss. I am an idiot because if I am honest with myself, I have to admit that I am still hoping that before he leaves, he will have something to say to me... anything!

 

It really hurts to think that he may just walk out and not say a thing. not even goodbye. i will be really broken if he does that..

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Female1981,

 

It so hard to read what you are telling us because I have been there and in some sense I still am. If I was 100% over him I wouldnt be here this morning. But we just need to face the fact that ...they deceived us about being married to benefit themselves. Not taking into consideration who they would be hurting in the process. You have to stop making excuses for him..telling us that he is different...If he was a good person he wouldnt have gotten involved with you on any level outside of the office. You need to STOP thinking that this guy is something so special. If he was a good person he would take you aside and tell you that he has made bad choices and that he is SORRY...and let walk away. Also you arent an idiot for calling him and emailing him. You cared about him and you want answers. All part of being human.

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hi gumdrops_and_lollipops

 

i am so sorry if i am in any way making things harder for you. I really dont want to do that as I know how bad the pain can be.

 

 

Well... I just saw my married man again, very very briefly. As soon as I realised he was in the same place, I shifted as soon as I could! Later, a friend that knows what's going on said that she saw him 'looking' for me after I had left. Oh man, how this hurts.

 

But I feel somewhat positive as another male colleague that is going to be leaving too came to see me to say a special goodbye. Gave me a big, warm good bye hug and just made me remember that I am worth something to somebody! (I think he had a crush on me a while ago, but that now he sees me as a good friend!)

 

Right, so I'm taking one thing a step at a time. Just getting through each day... I do still have hope in my heart that my married guy will talk to me before he leaves but I have promised myself that I will not try and speak to him if he does not initiate anything... trying to keep the little self respect and worth that I have left...

 

thanks everybody for all your messages and please keep on posting...

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well it has been quite schizo actually. one minute im telling him my true feelings... the other i'll be begging him to talk to me...then i start acting like i don't care, trying to tell him not to worry and say that i am not interested anymore and that i was not thinking straight and it just keeps going round and round. initially he didnt reply at all. but then when i stopped for a few days, and we kept bumping in to each other in the corridor etc, he emailed me. nothing major, it was really short and he even told me i didnt need to mail back but i stupidly did. i should have really learnt my lesson but i ended up emailing him too much again and well... again he started ignoring me. and so the last few emails have me been asking to talk again (esp on bad days at work) and then telling him not to worry about me liking him anymore....

 

basically ive made a fool of myself as i have been so inconsistent. in my last email i actually said that i have been introduced to another guy (semi lie) just to get a response from him.... but nothing .... feel like such a fool

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