Married man....please help

[female1981]

hi dilly

 

thanks.... yes i do feel that perhaps, VERY SLIGHTLY, things are getting better and perhaps its because i can see its a dead end situation and so i am trying my best to forget. its day 7 of NC today. its funny, as the more NC that takes place, the more i miss him and day dream of what we could have been like together. silly i know. maybe i am the kind of person when 'absense makes the heart grow fonder' applies. need to work on that. the less i see him the easier it should be shouldn't it? maybe somewhere deep down inside i am still hoping that he will try and email me....god thats stupid and not doing much for my mental health. i must sound like im all over the place cos i know i sounded a lot stronger yesterday.

 

oooookkk..... better start thinking of things about him i didnt fancy so much before i head into a day filled with daydreaming....

[female1981]

struggling a bit..... arrrrggghhh...need to make it through today....have to

[ImThatGirl]

Sending you lots of hugs and well wishes today! Your forecast: A little cloudy first thing this morning then lots of sunshine will be shining through in a few minutes! By noon, full sunshine that will bring a smile on your face!!!

[female1981]

thanks imthatgirl...

 

you're so sweet to me! trying my best, really i am. i cant stop thinking about him again. this is stupid.

[ImThatGirl]

Just remember that this will pass over at some time during the day. How's work going? Have you made plans for the weekend?

 

Tell me at least 2 things you have to be happy about!

[female1981]

Work is busy, I have millions of things to do.... I am trying to focus and am not completely unsuccessful.

 

This weekend I am doing family stuff which I am looking forward to. Also, it is my birthday too soon and have made plans with some close friends to spend time together so looking forward to that too....

 

 

Damn... I should be grateful. Life could be worse couldn't it?

[ImThatGirl]

You bet your bottom it could be worse! When is your birthday?

 

I know your mind tricks you and makes it seem that nothing could be worse and you can't get him out of your mind. I am so happy to hear you have plans with family and friends soon!!! When is your birthday?

 

Just remember, you are a beautiful, successful woman! You are well liked by all! You have strength! You have family and are never alone!

 

Way I see it is: He is unhappy. He see's your happiness, your normally bubbly, happy go luck way of living life. He see's your strength. He see's your success. He wanted to feel that way. He sucked that out of you. He turned you into someone you never imagined you'd be. Take your life back and you will find better days!

 

(And under my breath I'm muttering / thinking: These damn men. How could they do this to someone!)

[female1981]

My birthday is in a couple of weeks...yes I am looking quite forward to it - should be fun as I will be spending it with some of my favourite people which means it will be a giggle!

 

Yes you are right. I am quite popular amongst people and I think that's because I have always had a positive energy about me and have always put others first, treated people well, smiled when possible etc... but all those things just make me bitter actually as I wonder why this had to happen to me? Why did I get in to this trap? What did I do to deserve this? Surely he should have seen what kind of person I was and dealt with it differently?

Dont get me wrong, I am not blaming him for having feelings for me - we can't help who we fall for and what stage in our lives we fall for them, but why did he stand by and do nothing when I had made it clear how much I was suffering? I know I am not perfect and I am not saying that he OWED anything to me, but one of the reasons he said he liked me was because I was such a 'nice' person. Well if I was that nice, did he not even think to ask if I was okay? I guess he was just looking after number 1 - himself.

 

 

I have definitely changed as a result of all this. I hope it doesn't last, but for the time being I am not the same person and I can't help it. I find myself snapping at people, being short, abrupt and just not very interested in what people have to say. I am still nice to my close friends, but when it comes to people that I don't know that well, I just don't try very hard. I find myself being irritated with people a lot of the time too. I know it's bad but I just don't have the patience that I used to have so much of. Like I said, I hope it doesn't last as I know that I was a much much nicer person to be around before.

 

Anyway..... day 7 NC is nearing completion. How do I feel? Well, to be honest I am just counting each day at the moment. Trying to get through each day as best I can, patting myself on the shoulder as the days go by, but at the same time, wishing I could have met him a couple of years earlier. Sometimes I really feel stupid.... all this emotion for a man that never even touched me. I know its a waste and I would switch it all off if it was that simple. I don't enjoy feeling this way, but I do not have any control.

[ImThatGirl]

I can't wait for you to get out and enjoy yourself.

 

One thing that I have determined and maybe it's not correct but my assumption. It's that these men that are unhappy and weak want so badly to grasp the energy, strength, and happiness that we have. They see it and they are inspired by it, and seem to think that by being around it often, it will rub off on them. Unfortunately, when they are in a conflicting situation, it often ends in causing us pain and increasing their ego.

 

It's understandable that you are less patient. You know, broken relationships or even broken hopes for a relationship are sure to cause grief. And you have the right and time to grieve what you hoped for!

 

Don't feel stupid. You didn't want or need him until he initiated contact. He made you feel something that you hadn't felt before. Don't beat yourself up.

 

You are doing great!

[female1981]

thanks imthatgirl

 

you sound so strong. I wish i could be like you. you know, all this stuff has really made me wonder about myself. do i just have a really weak personality? i really should have handled things differently. i mean, its not like we together for years, had an intimate relationship. all that had really happened was that we had confessed our feelings and emailed each other constantly for a couple of weeks and met a couple of times and had really long conversations. so i wonder, is my behaviour and response justified? why did i let this happen?? how could i be so vulnerable to someone that i never even kissed! how could i lower myself so much to the point that i let this other person see how weak i was? how could i leave myself open like that? am i not worth so much that i should have protected myself? im really starting to think about this on other levels now. i mean, i only know him through work, so how much did i know of the 'real' him? i mean, a lot ladies on this forum have slept with their married men or at least had some kind of physical relationship. i really need to toughen up for the real world. i fear that if i stay the way i am, with the attitude i have at the moment, i could end up getting hurt again.

[ImThatGirl]

Female - I am a tough girl around the edges. I keep guards up most of the time. Why? Because I've been in similar situation(s.) Sometimes it takes these situations to realize a missing void or almost vulnerability. You were happy before him but somehow he just nestled right into your mind, heart, and life.

 

I've used the motto that life is a lesson. When we fall, we get back up, but we're more careful and observative of the cracks in the sidewalk.

 

I'm not sure if you mentioned before. You said nobody knows he's married, right? When did he tell you? That was misleading, deceptive, and unfair.

 

URrrgh! As I type to you, I always get mad "for you!" I understand. I am more than happy to be here for you!

 

Don't allow yourself to put up guards of security so high that you are never able to trust again!

[Dilly]

I agree with I'm that Girl (as usual ). I think that it's unfortunate he keeps occupying your thoughts, but know that you will get through it and that better things are coming your way, like you birthday. What you really could stand to do is get a sensible hobby at this point because the emotional energies that surround a love or loss of love can be so amazing that they can push you beyond your wildest dreams. Honestly, you hear of all those people who conquer amazing feats with divorce or when they fall in love. Either way, it's an emotionally energetic event (falling in and out of love) that we simply derive tremendous energy from it - channel that energy now into something constructive. I want you to focus on creative writing or something like that that suits you. I want you to focus on trying to get your mind off him. You are doing well, trust me. Day 8 is on it's way!!!

[female1981]

thank you ladies

 

well, thats correct. very few know that he is married. he told me about one week after we had been emailing. during that week we had not really confessed any feelings but we had been very flirty over email (me mainly) but he was responding regularly to my emails and that was a big thing for both of us as we are both shy when it comes to stuff like this... during that whole time, i just felt so happy and full of life and energy. many people noticed the change in me too. i was just so happy. i didnt know that i could be happy like this again after my last relationship which was painful for a long time. i was just so happy and to think that it was with this particular guy... someone i had looked up to for such a long time. it was amaazing for me. for a day or so during that week, he stopped emailing me (I can see why that was now). Then the next time I saw him, he asked to speak to me. The first thing he told me was that he was married. I was so shocked!!!!!! I mean I had worked very closely with him and just had no idea!

 

But then somehow we ended up spending the next 3-4 hours talking about how we felt. He didn't try anything - we just talked for ages and it felt amazing. I can't describe it. Then we did the same the next day. Thats when I was due a holiday. But we emailed for about 5 days constantly, then one morning I got the email from him saying he felt guilty. And THAT is when I lost it. I had already fallen.

[Juliana]

I think you're doing amazingly well. Just thought I'd pop by and say that.

 

I think I'mthatgirl is right when she says that these men are trying to draw from us what is special about us. I know one guy who treated me very badly in the end, actually started imitating my mannerisms and my "style" -- after he left me!

 

I felt like telling him, it made him look girlish, but then I thought...oh, maybe I won't...

[female1981]

thanks juliana, its nice to hear from you!

 

i know i shouldnt ask this, or care... but what do you guys think he is thinking right now? is he happy and relieved that i have stopped contacting him, or do you think he wonders why i have stopped and thereforeeee wishes i still liked him enough to contact him and so in turn is missing me as a result (if u know what i mean!)

 

ladies dont be mad, but i am going mad just trying to figure it out myself. please dont just say to not worry what he thinks as i cannot help it! please just give me an honest answer as to what you think! you guys know the entire story now so perhaps you would have some insight on this (bearing in mind he has not seen me for around 2 weeks now and i emailed him last week telling him i thought him to be selfish and a coward)

 

honest answers will be appreciated by anybody and everybody!

[Dilly]

Oh boy. I find that in my circle of guy friends, some refer to women as psycho stalker females and shake their heads while shooting pool and having eye-sex with the girl over their left shoulder. No offense to you, but he's probably moved on to his next conquest, a woman who will have a fling in private without letting her emotions get involved. I am still tied to the notion that he was looking for a cheap thrill. I don't hold onto any ideas that this guy is a good man who spent a couple of weeks walking down the path of temptation. Good men announce their marriage happily and are not prone to hide things like involvement with women that they go home to. In my experience, a man who conveniently hides behind the curtain of non-committment is a man who is asking for a side-relationship, period. You guy is blasting you in my opinion if not to his mates, to himself. He thinks lowly of you and is not harboring any warm feelings. Sure, he may want an ego trip soon and wish you would write him for the power that he had over you, but you are better moving on with your life and knowing that he is a scumbag.

[female1981]

thank you for your honest opinion dilly

 

needless to say i hope you are not right! he was no social butterfly though - kept himself to himself on most things. he said he had personal family reasons for keeping the marriage quiet - although i dont like the sound of this, i have to admit. i dont know - i just really want to believe he meant all the things he sai. maybe it would hurt less. i just dont know. anyway, yes.... day 8 NV begins tomorrow and at the end of tomorrow - i would have broken my record!!!!

[Dilly]

Hey you know what, I believe he really really liked you and that he really really saw the best you had to offer and that he really really did get scared because he saw that you were falling for him and yes, possibly he was falling for you, too. Maybe he spent many nights on the computer late with his wife asking, why? Maybe he did feel guilty. And maybe he had a good reason to keep his marriage quiet (though I can think of none). But nonetheless, he handled everything so poorly and that's why I think he merits no additional consideration. I wish I could tell you he is thinking about you, dreaming about you... but that would only egg you on to fantasize about him further.

 

I think it may be healthy to assess it fairly and assume he liked you and that you had something special, but that it could/can never be and that in trying to draw a boundary, you came to your ends as friends as you did not respect it and crossed it repeatedly. That is the most generous interpretation I can lend him, that he liked you, but will always lack trust for you and never will trust you to heed his boundaries.

[Dilly]

and without trust, there can be nothing more. But he did nothing to earn your trust either. Keep that in mind.

[female1981]

hi dilly.... wow thats a really insighful analysis. Thank you! What you wrote really made sense to me. And I think you are so right about the boundary thing. I did not respect his request for some space and I did cross the line that he was trying to establish many times. In fact after some not-very-nice emails I would see him in the corridor and he would pass me, trying to be normal and try his best to say a pleasant 'hello'... this would be after an angry email from me!!! I expected him to ignore me! He NEVER ignored me when he saw me in person. He ignored emails only and became very uncomfortable in public when there were others around - probably he didnt want anyone to pick up what was happening as he is boss to most.

 

Well, I feel that I should learn from all of this. I regret so much crossing the boundaries. I have no one to blame but myself for ruining any chance of a normal working relationship and indeed friendship. When we spoke for hours on end he said he needed friends as he was not very social, found it hard to open up to people and thereforeeee there was hardly any people that understood him and what he was like. And that time where he emailed after 5 days of NC, he had actually written a non emotional email but had revealed some anxieties to do with his personal life. But instead of being a friend I went and had to get personal and make it obvious I wanted more. I am such an idiot.

 

I will really need to keep these things in mind for my future. Right now, I still want him and it doesn't interest me at all when I think about other guys....but I know that realistically I will at some point be in a position where I will really like somebody else in this way... I cannot make these mistakes again. I am so upset with myself. It has really hit me though that I can't go back to the past. What's done can never be undone and that's killing me. I have behaved so childlishly. The fact that the company was splitting in half also made me desparate... But like another poster said a while ago, they weren't emitgrating to Mars!!! But I sure acted like they were. God!!!!! I am 24 not 4!!!!How could I be such a baby!!!!

 

But I have no options anymore.... I have to get on with this situation and deal with whats been left for me - nothing. I have no idea when I will speak to him again, see him again - so there is no chance of even trying to undo my selfish actions and show him - over time - I am normal and that he need not think of me to be some selfish teenager. The impression he will have of me is the one I left him with. Life is so cruel.

[female1981]

I have really messed up. I sent through a doc last nite for my boss – it was late and to top it off it was rubbish. He had a massive go at me…. Really really bad. I felt so awful – I came really close to telling him what has happened with the married guy. But I didn’t. instead I said that for the last 2 months I have not focused on work due to personal issues. I am still considering telling him whats going on but I needed to think. But the worst thing is that I ended up emailing the married guy – I said I desperately needed to speak to him and that if he did not get back to me, I may end up doing something that would be v.bad for us both. He got back to me and asked what I wanted to talk about and that he did not appreciate being threatened. Oh my God….. what have I done??? My boss said he wants the work redone by the end of the day and a second boss has said he wants an other doc also completed by the end of the day. I emailed the married guy and said that I was in no way threatening him, and that we should leave it if that’s what he thinks I am trying to do. . I am seriously messed up right now.

[starlight]

Yes Female, you did stuff up. You really need to go and see a counsellor. They will be able to help you get it "right in your head." Seriously. You should have access to a free service in your area. Go and see someone before you do something you'll regret.

[Hope75]

Hi Female,

 

Uh oh. So now your feelings are jeapordizing your performance at work, your boss has noticed, and yes (unfortunately) you did in fact, threaten the married man. And he has it on email documemtation in case he wants to bring it to the boss and file a harassment suit- as well as the 24 other emails you sent him with no response.

 

Honey- this has got to stop. It's an obsession for you and it's very unhealthy. You don't seem to be able to see clearly what this is doing to you.

 

Now you want to tell your boss what happened? Don't do that! Your boss does not want to hear about your personal life, particularly that you are obsessed with a married co- worker. Trust me- he is NOT going to see your side of things- but that will almost certainly write you your ticket out of his company- he will view you as unstable and a little scary. And should the husband be approached about this all he has to do is show the boss all those emails... and there you go to court and there goes any reference from this company for a new position elsewhere. Is that what you want?

 

For yourself, for your sanity- and for your safety- you need to let this married guy go. In all honesty you are blowing it up way more than it is. He said some inappropriate things to you, he drew a line and he is staying with his wife. There was no affair, in a physical sense. I don't mean to be harsh, female, but get ahold of yourself! Look at what this is doing to you! As a grown woman, as someone who is intelligent and professional- you know better, and this has got to stop.

 

I also suggest you seek counseling- I honestly think this problem lies more in you than in what happened with the married guy- because you are taking it way too far and it is affecting your life far too much- and you are risking losing your job, and you now have resorting to threatening the married guy.

 

Please don't think I am trying to be mean. I believe you are a very intelligent person- and that you have let this get way out of control. I just think that someone needs to tell you what they are seeing objectively about this situation. It is totally out of control and it is because you are taking it there. You need to get yourself back in control.

 

Please at least consider what I've said, even it is seems hurtful and angry- because it is not my intent.

[Bethany]

Female, I know you did not appreicate my stern advice before which is why I have not posted since. I tried to warn you where you could end up if this continued, to show you where you were heading. I did it with your best interests atheart, I can assure you.

 

I also disagree with other posters that say this guy is a scumbag of sorts for leading you on. This man made a mistake, one he was very much aware of and is why he walked away. He did the right thing.

 

Your problem as I have stated all along is one of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder not one of love, or a broken heart.

 

I was hoping that the other posters could talk you through it,But now,after reading what you did...

 

You DID threaten him. You threatned to do something really bad to both of you. This is emotional blackmail.

 

I can only reiterate my advice.. If you cannot stop, you need to seek help.

[starlight]

Female,

Go and see a counsellor. Bethany and Hope are right. A counsellor will be able to help you with put some strategies in place so that you can get yourself together and excel at your job.